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Grelendor Chronicles Book the First - The Perfect Race ~ Comments thread

 
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8/25/2008 19:59:24   
Resolute
Member
 

Grelendor Chronicles
Book the First

The Perfect Race





By GhostBear5

Here it is! Book the First






Summary
It is the perfect world. The good and merciful god Toral created the Elves in the Elvin paradise of Arlellyn to be innocent. Not all is good. In heaven, a spiritual war is going on between Toral and the fallen godling, Jard'uk. Jard'uk will strike at Toral, but only Jard'uk knows what he will do,
In the paradise, a young Elf Jorm goes about his life, sculpting, writing and dancing. He becomes ill and sickened. Rejected, framed and alone. Will he embrace the darkness thrice offered to him and become the avatar of all that is evil and unholy, or remain loyal?




Table of Contents
Part I: The Descent
Chapter 1




Other Writings
The SSS ~ Stupid Short Stories: Where GhostBear5 keeps his short stories. Not many, currently.

< Message edited by GhostBear5 -- 8/25/2008 21:46:10 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 1
8/25/2008 20:14:55   
Firefly
Lore-ian


I'll read this soon. Poke me if I forget. For now, I notice that you have a typo in the intro:

quote:

Jard'uk will strike at Toral, but not many no how.

"know"
AQ  Post #: 2
8/25/2008 21:25:48   
  Master Samak

Productive!
Fallen Leprechaun of L&L


quote:

It the paradise, a young Elf Jorm goes about his life, sculpting, writing and dancing.
This may need to be "In".

This looks interesting.
AQ DF  Post #: 3
8/26/2008 4:17:16   
Crimzon5
Member

quote:

A jug, a small bowl, an tall empty wooden cup and a long soft-crusted baguette sat on the table.


Discard the n

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 4
9/21/2008 18:49:26   
Firefly
Lore-ian


*finishes reading*

That was very nice, GB5. I especially liked the sculpting scene; as someone who has sculpted human heads before, I found it very interesting to read. The way you described it was also realistic and comprehensible.

I also liked how you described through actions. The use of the verb "to be" (was, were, ect.) was toned down. Very nice.

Of course, it's not perfect. The biggest error I found was some unnecessary repetition. For example:

quote:

His eyes snapped shut against the blowing wind. His left hand clenched as he brought it up to his eye so he could rub the foreign objects out of his eye. His fist went down, and Jorm blinked rapidly to clear his eye.

In these cases, best to use pronouns, use synonyms, or just not use the words at all. "His eyes snapped shut against the blowing wind. His left hand clenched as he brought it up to his eye so he could rub out the foreign objects. His fist went down, and Jorm blinked rapidly to clear his vision." Something to that extent might be better.

There are quite a lot more of these. I'll just mention a few; I believe you'll be able to pick out the rest yourself.

quote:

Jorm squinted against a large gust of wind that blew leaves and other articles of nature against Jormís face.

Perhaps change the second one to "his"?

quote:

Before drinking, Jorm made a quick morning snack out of the soft-crusted bread, breaking off small pinches of the soft fresh bread and brining them too his mouth

Another repetition. Btw, I'd take out the "the" It's rather unnecessary. Also, two typos: "bringing" and "to"

Another problem I noticed was that you used a lot of -ly adverbs (slightly, softly, quickly, ect.) Here's a good link Rational gave me. It might help you understand why adverbs, especially -ly ones, aren't the best idea.

http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm

You've got quite a few unnecessary ones, like:

quote:

His eyes opened wide as the water slightly nipped his face.

Nipped already gives a connotation of small and gentle movement. Slightly is very unneeded.

Also, be careful about using certain words. "wind" "face" and quite a few others have been used quite a bit.

Finally:

quote:

The water slowly trickled from the spout into the basic, which was only three or four inches high, but nearly half a foot wide.

You say basic quite a few times in this story. Excuse my ignorance, but how is that applicable here? Could you have wanted to say "basin" every time you used basic?

Just a few of these smaller problems. Overall, I liked your story and I thought it was quite interesting. ;)
AQ  Post #: 5
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