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[Poetry] Comments on everything before my writing break.

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9/17/2008 23:33:09   
SL
Member
 

 The links to my old poetry are found below; anything you have on your mind refering to any poem, post it. Critiquing, compliments, anything. n___n Thanks.

My goals:

Improve my writing.
Fill up an entire thread of poetry.
Getting nominated for PotM.
Win PotM.
Become more active in L&L.
Get an AK to post here.
Get Falerin to post here.


< Message edited by SL -- 11/26/2009 15:33:36 >
AQ DF  Post #: 1
9/17/2008 23:48:24   
  Master Samak
Productive!
Steward Leprechaun
L&L


 I've scanned over it. I think it's good.

I have to disappear, but I did notice one thing that I'd like to suggest beforehand:

quote:

and yet, I'm the one losing all my might.
I really didn't get the feel for this part. It didn't seem to have anything to do with the previous lines. This makes you lose your strength, which doesn't really tie in with love. Perhaps something like, "...the one losing this fight."? I don't know....

You did a nice job. :)

_____________________________
AQ DF  Post #: 2
9/17/2008 23:55:14   
SL
Member
 

 Ah, I thank ye. I used 'might' because it's in the sense that he's crumbling due to the spouse's poor decision making. I mean, broken and contrite was supposed to be 'feeling sorry' because she cheated on him. But as I read that, 'fight' sounds good, if not better. Thanks for taking the time to post. ^^
AQ DF  Post #: 3
9/20/2008 1:01:23   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 Heya!

Well, I'm no poet by anyone's standards, but I'll do my best. ;]
I emphasize- all 'corrections' here are just suggestions and opinions.

Away
quote:

we're eons apart.

Sounds a little short to me, compared with everything else.

Well Lived
quote:

Emplanted in no one's mind,

Should "emplanted" be "implanted"?

Post #: 4
9/20/2008 14:33:05   
SL
Member
 

 Thanks for the reply, DD. ^^ I see what you mean. Would '...we're light years apart.' work better? And I wasn't sure on the spelling for implanted. Will change that. :) And I should have a new poem up today or tomorrow, for anyone that cares. :P
AQ DF  Post #: 5
9/21/2008 22:41:24   
SL
Member
 

 Hey all.

'Where?' was just put up a day or two. Check it out. =o
AQ DF  Post #: 6
9/21/2008 23:26:36   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 Yeah, I think that would work better. =]

Where
quote:

would you tell the world aloud?

Methinks "aloud" works better.
quote:

When I made a mistake every day,

To be grammatically correct, two words.
quote:

slowly and willingly dying,


*whispers* If you include links to each poem in your first post, it'll make them easier to find later when there's 20+ of them. ;]
Post #: 7
9/21/2008 23:49:12   
SL
Member
 

 I'll do that. And thanks for the corrections. Wanna be as good as possible. :)
AQ DF  Post #: 8
9/22/2008 21:40:29   
SL
Member
 

 Hey all. Got a new poem up. Check it out. :P

Also, I'll be taking a little break from rhyming poetry, per se, and doing a bit of haikus. Hope you enjoy them. :)
AQ DF  Post #: 9
9/24/2008 21:32:33   
SL
Member
 

 I lied. <____<

This is my first attempt at something humourous, so have pity. :D

Yuck
AQ DF  Post #: 10
9/25/2008 7:12:07   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 . . .
*patpat*

Yuck
quote:

of this hand sanitizer.


Trying new things is a good thing, imo, but being a new thing, you can't expect it to be as good as stuff you already have experience with. Encouragement for today. ^_^
Post #: 11
9/26/2008 22:49:00   
SL
Member
 

 Hey all. This is my first try at some lyric stuff, or rather, something catchy. It accurately desribes many of my past relationships, and the hard times I went through. I've yet to find a soulmate, but I know someone will be lead to me soon. But enough of my rambling. Hope you enjoy it. :)
AQ DF  Post #: 12
9/27/2008 5:22:22   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 *applauds* That's a good one.

(Didn't spot anything needing correction, either. ;] )
Post #: 13
9/28/2008 11:01:08   
SL
Member
 

 Hey guys. Got a new song up. Hope you enjoy it. :)

Before I Go
AQ DF  Post #: 14
9/28/2008 16:54:32   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 Before I Go
quote:

will there be someone to miss me so?

A bit long, imo.

Apart from that, somewhat touching.
Post #: 15
9/28/2008 18:33:36   
SL
Member
 

 Hmm...

'...will someone miss me so?'

Better?

AQ DF  Post #: 16
9/28/2008 23:31:11   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 I'm not sure. I can't think of anything it could be replaced with... sorry. =[
Post #: 17
10/1/2008 21:30:01   
SL
Member
 

 Me

Finally something new. Literally and figuratively? :3
AQ DF  Post #: 18
10/2/2008 1:19:23   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 Me
quote:

I is for igloos. Always wanted to sleep in one of those.

XD
quote:

Z is for zucchini bread. 'Cause. It's delicious with margarine. <3


Interesting idea.
Post #: 19
10/3/2008 20:58:52   
SL
Member
 

 Time

Hope you enjoy it.
AQ DF  Post #: 20
10/4/2008 0:04:03   
SL
Member
 

 Rain

Two posts in one day? Jinkies! :o

Notice the imagery. Hope you enjoy it. :)
AQ DF  Post #: 21
10/4/2008 1:22:53   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Time: This poem evokes some deeper thought. Makes you question what is going on and when everything will be right; when everyone will finally get it right, or if we ever will.

Rain: I really liked this one. Made me feel something which is what I look for in a poem. If you make me think or feel you got it made in my book. The imagery is very good and I like how you utilized more than two senses in the poem to express what you were saying.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 22
10/4/2008 20:43:56   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 Time:

quote:

there's no guarantees.

Guarantees is plural. I think "there's" should be "there are" in that case.

I like the flow of this one as well as the concept. Only general comment is that a few of the commas at the end of lines might've been unnecessary.

Rain:

quote:

Often times, expressing the gloomy days.

I'm quite sure it's a single word.

quote:

Icy. Needles.

I don't think your choice of punctuation there really coordinates with the word choice very well. I say either "Ice. Needles." or "Icy needles." See my point? Probably just my personal preference of not using adjectives as standalone sentences.

quote:

The rain, piercing like arrows,

Unnecessary word that upset the balance of this poem, imo. Btw, I'd take out the comma at the end of this time so that it flows into the next to add more impact.

quote:

through my heart. The rain,

Again, unnecessary especially in poetry.

quote:

I lean my shoulder on you.
And feel worse.

These lines bother me... Maybe because I think "and" is a weak conjunction, but... how about:

I lean my shoulder on you,
feeling worse.

quote:

Why? Why must I cry in the rain?

You're repeating "rain" from the previous line. Perhaps "Why must I cry here?" to avoid repetition and redundancy?

quote:

but love's instincts,
you cannot hide.

If you're still refering to the condition of the narrator (I'm not sure here anymore; it got a bit confusing), I suggest using "I" to lessen the confusion and sudden shift of POV. There's a rule in prose about "one scene, one POV" Its equivalent in poetry would probably be "on poem (or "one part" depending on how you look at it) one POV." The rule has been broken, but it's a bit confusing here...

I enjoyed this one a lot. You created powerful feeling and imagery, as well as giving quite a punch in the last lines. I got a bit confused as to the shift in direction in the middle of the poem. Might wanna try making things more focused next time. Or maybe that's just my own poetic philosophy, lol. =P Anyways, I enjoyed reading them. Keep up the good work! ^_^

_____________________________
AQ  Post #: 23
10/5/2008 19:50:32   
.::oDrew
Member

After reading over most of your poems, I would encourage you to continue exploring the awesome concepts and ideas you present in your poetry; however, I would encourage you to be a little more careful in the area of rhythm.

Let's take a look at a passage from "Before I Go."

quote:

When I leave,
will it be hard to believe?
I want to know,
will there be someone to miss me so?


Let's ignore the actual words being used for a second, and just focus on "beat." I'll re-post this stanza; any syllables that are bolded are "stressed" syllables.

When I leave,
will it be hard to believe?
I want to know,
will there be someone to miss me so?

When we count 'em all up, the amount of stressed and unstressed syllables in each line is as follows:

2 - 1
3 - 4
2 - 2
4 - 5

So, as you can see, there's a bit of imbalance between stressed and unstressed syllables. If you read this stanza out loud, you can hear how this effects the poem's overall "flow." In addition, if you decide to compose your poem in a certain form, it's typically best to ensure that the entire poem follows this form, otherwise certain lines or stanzas will seem out of place.

But like I said, awesome themes; your experimentation with free verse seems to be going pretty well so far, too. :D



_____________________________

we look at the world once, in childhood.
the rest is memory.
Post #: 24
10/7/2008 21:29:08   
SL
Member
 

 Finally got something new up; took me a little while to finish. I didn't want the words to be cliche. So, without furher ado, enjoy: Fight For You
AQ DF  Post #: 25
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