Circe
Stand Back
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The Fantastically Boring Story No Elf Would Want to Read
By Rimblade
(The following article contains an extremely small amount of factual information! The rest of it is appalling falsehood. See if YOU can tell which is which!)
~~~
Before you proceed any further with this document, I ask that you stand up and check all the closets in your room. Please look under your bed, and be sure to open any drawers or other cavities in the wall. If you detect even the slightest hint of movement, quickly shut down your internet browser, delete your cache files, and flee, preferably to your secret underground laboratory. If you lack a secret underground laboratory, convince your friends to take up Riverdance and practice in a circle around you, that no observer within your room could read the following messages. There are some things which they don't want you to know.
Now then, let's begin. I know that my usual style of writing is loquacious and extravagant, but I fear my time is limited. They've got an excellent PR campaign going to convince us all that they're not tech-savvy, but I wouldn't blink twice at the news that I'm being monitored, even after inciting mass chaos to serve as a distraction. I likely have mere minutes before they realize that the portals to the eternal Abyss spewing pillars of fire a hundred feet into the air outside are but a diversion.
I'm writing this here from one of the heavily-guarded terminals within the GEARS facillity, having disabled several of the staff members. I've sealed off the system to prevent any of their malicious programs from detecting this, but I know that they'll realize what's going on quickly enough. With any luck, the program I've uploaded will send the critical hardware from this computer forward (or backward) across timelines, so that I can retreive it from a K'eld. Lorithia send, that is enough. I fear it might not be.
Wait. Have I told you who I'm attempting to hide from? No, I suppose I haven't. This document doesn't do you any good at all without that information, so I had best disclose it post-haste. Elves.
Perhaps I should back up for a moment, and explain how this current situation came about. Consider the Elven race for just a moment. When was the last time we saw them? Yes, that's right, fighting the noble and terribly misunderstood Drakel, as they searched for some device with which to combat Carnax, or perhaps The'Galin. Frankly, it doesn't matter. Either way, the first encounter any of us have ever had with them was when some crazed elfen warrior-woman leaped out of the trees and assaulted us, just because we were trepassing.
There's another excellent point - TREES. Why do you think there are so many trees? Well, stop thinking right now, because I'm going to tell you - dark elven magic. You see, I have it on the firm basis of my crazed imaginings that when the race of Elves first set foot upon LORE, there weren't very many trees at all, which made the Earth Lord very happy, because trees suck up all the delicious nutrients and hoard them. Anyway, the Elves at once formed a dark pact with the leader of these trees, and allowed them to multiply, creating great 'forests' which shrouded the earth in darkness. Darkness the like of which even the Lord of Darkness fears.
What was that? Did you hear that? Of course you didn't - this is a text-file only. I'm sure that I heard a noise, though. A muffled explosion. Is that them? It could be them. If so, the fact that I've trapped that hallway with mines should deter them for a few more minutes, while I relay the critical data. It might also be a student, I guess, but it's their own fault for being in the dorms this late at night.
In any case, as the elven civilization matured, safe within their corrupt forests, they realized that there were other races on the plane too. Being elves, they decided to ignore them contemptuously. So they were very surprised when, a mere several thousand years later, the other races had their own cities and monuments. Now, these other races, being generally all-around cool and alright guys, asked the elves if they could have some wood, which has many benefits:
1. It can heat your home!
2. You can make a home out of it, which can then be heated!
3. It may be easily fashioned into sticks with which to hit things, thereby allowing you to take and heat the wooden homes of other people!
4. It diminishes the number of trees, who become sentient in great numbers and manifest nightmares beyond the ken of mere mortals, with which they plague the world!
The elves, being elitist and snobby, told them that if they wanted to come in, they had to leave the torches, war-catapaults and battle axes behind. This might seem like a small concession to such worldly and modern folks as inhabit LORE today, but back then, those items were of great cultural significance. It was as if the elves had declared their forests a 'no-pants' zone. The justifably outraged humans and dwarves decided to show the elves the error of their ways by razing the forests to the ground, destroying their cities and taking their treasures.
Regrettably, the unpenitent elves used their own enchanted weapons* and powerful magic** to ward off the deliverers of cultural justice. All in a tizzy over how rude these elven folks were, the other races went home.
One exception to this is the Drakel. Now, the Drakel also didn't like the elves, mainly because they were never invited to any of the elvish parties, but they were much cooler than the other races (it is said that they had motorcycles by the time the Dwarves first learned how to hammer bronze), and so decided to retaliate by holding much cooler parties***. Now it was the elves who wanted in, but the Drakel refused to invite them. Indeed, even as the elves tried desperately to find ways to crash the Drakel parties, the awesome lizard-men created huge force-shields around their cities, coincidentially protecting them from the first coming of The'Galin the Devourer.
No one knows how the elves survived him, but I personally suspect it involves offshore bank accounts and a good deal of fraud.
WHOA, listen to that! They didn't expect me to trap that door with sonic detonation grenades, did they? I'll bet they'll be needing the services of the Soluna city hospital when they wake up, ha-ha! Of course, it's going to be even more hilarious when they discover that I've trapped every single door on this floor in the same way, and that includes the bathrooms.
Anyway, it only escalated from there. The elves, who were by now quite put out with the Drakel (who were only trying to teach them a lesson), started up a propaganda campaign against them, which is precisely why, when the Drakel first appeared in human settlements, they were set upon by angry adventurers. Some right-wing extremists argue that this was more due to the way the Drakel were attacking people first, but anyone with half a brain can see that these were simple acts of pre-emptive self-defense, which is a very well-established reason for attacking someone without actually being the attacker.
In any case, as time wore on, the Elves did more horrible and absolutely unprovable things, just to be annoying. For instance, they were responsible for the rise of the pyromancer Drakkonan, somehow, and also for the Nightmare Queen, and probably Zorbak. Unless you like Zorbak, in which case he's actually a freedom fighter who is fighting against elven tyranny. Trust me on this one.
As the most terrifying threat of all approached - The'Galin (redux) - the Elves decided to take the opportunity to mess everyone up, big time. With this goal of total chaos in mind, top elven agents, disguised by means of trilby hats and false mustaches, infiltrated a Drakel K'eld and stole something very valuable. We have read that the Drakel have spent the majority of their time working on ways to develop new and better ways to be super-cool, and now they had perfected ... sunglasses. Totally hip, stylin' retro shades, man.
In the darkness of their primeval forests, the Elves slowly twisted the most evil human they could find in the entire omniverse with elvish magic, infusing him with their own arrogance. Finally, in a crowning act of vile evil vileness (which is itself most evil), they placed the sunglasses upon his face.
And so Agent Smith was born.****
So it was that Agent Smith, the unbeatable, egotistical MONSTER of all MONSTERS, was loosed on an unsuspecting LORE, free to kick helpless and noble adventurers (who also happen to be devilishly handsome and fantastically intellectual), until they wept with pain and frustration. Yes, the elvish race must have rejoiced long and hard in what seemed to be a devastating victory over all which is good and right with the world. At least until Maxwell, in what might have been the greatest moment of the war (The'Galin sparing us all is a distant second), sealed him forever in the void, from which he will never return. Not in a million years, so the voices in my head can just STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM.
Heh. Hear that? That 'bzzzrt' sound means that they're mere seconds away, it is true, but I cannot help smiling at my own genius in replacing the walls with giant laser-cannon devices. After that, they've still got to navigate the marbles I scattered on the floor, and I can't imagine how they're going to open the door (I've propped a chair up against it) but they'll manage. They may be arrogant, but they're resourceful. I give them that.
Anyway, that's why elves, despite the fact that they SEEM to show up only once or twice throughout the games, are evil. Now of course there are exceptions, such as Falerin and Eldron. They're great guys, and I'm not just saying that because they could slowly cause my entire body to tear itself apart, then trap me in a time loop so that I would experiance such agony forever. No, they also make good cookies. Oh, and Zhoom, because he's totally got this WICKED sweet sword.
ARGH, they got through the door! Energy weapons are cheating! CHEATING! But I should have expected no less. As I frantically set the transfer timer on this console and make my escape, I warn you: the elves are EVERYWHERE. BE EVER-VIGILANT!
(Please note that this article does not reflect the views of the Zardian, or AE staff. We think that elves are great, and we're not just saying that because we fear them. Furthermore, if you have any information on the whereabouts of Rimblade, please contact the Soluna City Police Dept. Thank you!)
~~~
Brought to you by FLIBBLE : If you don't know what this acronym stands for, you should probably be frightened now.
*Cheating
**Akin to playing the Red Nuke card in a game of Uno.
***Did you know that the Drakel invented the disco ball? That's precisely as true as everything else in this article.
****Yeah, baby.
< Message edited by Circe -- 10/22/2008 22:28:57 >
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