Firefly
Lore-ian
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Rawr. You purposefully want me behind all the time, eh? =P
Finished reading Chapter One. I liked this a lot more than the prologue. I agree with Fabula that the pacing of the prologue is too slow compared to the much better pacing in Ch. 1. While it might be intentional, the prologue is the first thing the reader reads, so imo, it's best if you hook them right there.
This chapter is extremely interesting. I'm dying to read more once I have the time. The first scene showed a nice twist and a good mystery surrounding the family without overdoing it and losing the realistic atmosphere. The second scene felt dark and chilly, just like you probably intended.
Of course, I do have a few objections. Firstly, I don't like the opening line of the plane thing. It didn't seem realistic. It might be too wordy/descriptive. From my plane ride experiences, I don't /think/ (I can't remember) they state the plane number and all that. They usually just say "We are landing shortly. Please fasten your seatbelts" ect. because the seatbelt part is rather important; they wouldn't want it lost among a bunch of numbers, right? I could be completely wrong, but something about the opener didn't sound right. I suggest you move the info of the plane and where it's from ect. elsewhere to Zaelro's thoughts, ect.
Continuing on the realism thing, about this:
quote:
The following evening was much like a festivity to Zaelro, as he was greeted by his host family like the most distinguished of all guests, with a hundred and fifty percent ceremony even for a standard Anglo-Saxon aristocrat.
Rereading it, it didn't seem like it anymore, but are you calling Zaelro an aristocrat? You didn't mention that in the beginning, and my impression of his parents wasn't aristocratic status. Maybe it's just the phrasing.
quote:
“Fastoff-san? I have been assigned to take you back to your host, sir,”
I think it's unlikely he'd use Japanese suffixes mixed in with English, especially if he was trying to play good chauffeur.
A few formatting comments:
quote:
”What on Earth? Is this the suburban experience that they were preaching to me just now? Or is this New York and I have taken the wrong plane?”
In the published books I've read, emphasis within thoughts/already italicized things are usually then unitalicized. Imo, bold just sticks out way too much.
Because i'm lazy, I'll use the later part of the above quote to show my next comment:
quote:
the chauffeur called out, with a standard Tokyo Japanese accent, “I hope you enjoyed the flight, and welcome to Sankaku, sir.”
When there is something before dialogue, it does not use a comma unless it is a speech tag for the dialogue after it. In this case, it's a tag for the stuff before it. So the comma here should be a period. There are many instances in this chapter; I won't point out all of them. But because I can't explain very well, here are some examples to illustrate my point:
When the tag is for a single sentence: "Bob," she said, "it's time." (the talk, without the tag, is "Bob, it's time." not "Bob. It's time." Note the lack of capital in "it's". The sentences you used the commas in were all complete sentences on their own, while "it's time" here is part of "Bob...")
When the tag refers to the dialogue after it (NOT before it): She said, "I have to go." (Please note that the following is incorrect: "I have to go," she said, "There's a meeting coming up." Correct: "I have to go," she said. "There's a meeting coming up." [in other words, it's "I have to go. There's a meeting coming up." and /not/ "I have to go, There's a meeting coming up." See my point?)
Make sense? Moving on...
The largest objective I have is still your abundant use of adjectives and adverbs instead of choosing stronger nouns and verbs. I've commented about the adverbs before and how to get rid of them (ran quickly --> raced ect.) so I won't repeat myself. Now, for the adjectives. Lemme find an example...
quote:
For a moment, it looked as if the entire forest was covered in a type of flash beam like the radiating, guiding light of a lighthouse.
I do have numerous objections to the overall wordiness here, but I'll be working with the adjectives. Imo, "lighthouse" already tells the audience it's a radiating, guiding light. Those words only seem to drag it down. Instead, you can try writing it like: "...in a flashing beam that guided with the glow of a lighthouse" (I did several other trims and took out the repetition of "light.")
There's a slight POV change problem here:
quote:
In just a couple of seconds, the tower had completed its mission, and as far as the Russian vampire lord was concerned, it would be a long time before Reglay van Gendamme and his vile mavericks could discover the precious Prime Maiden, and until then, she should have woken up her powers and be powerful enough to end their threat once and for all. Yefime Alexeyevich sighed of relief at such a thought. As of now, what he should do was to return home to his estate and prepare its defense. As much as he knew there was no stopping his defeat, as a familial saying goes, “a proud Russian white bear never goes down without a dozen of its foes”. Thinking so, Lord Alexeyevich returned home as fast as he could, to prepare for his lost cause…
The rest of the scene was from Zaelro's perspective, him being able to only observe the actions and dialogue. Now, you suddenly delve into the vampire lord's head. I'm not the strictist on POVs, but for this particular scene, to not ruin the feeling of mystery, I highly suggest you do not suddenly throw the POV off. In fact, many people would suggest one POV per a scene point. I think that is probably the way to go for this scene at least. Since there's no plausible fix, I suggest you delete this paragraph altogether. Unnecessary info. We can probably deduce as much.
Finally, two things. One, I think a few of your prepositions are a bit misused. I can't think of any examples atm, but maybe watch out for not using the wrong prepositions at times. Lastly, I found this:
quote:
For some reasons, that might be an alarming sign.
And this:
quote:
For some strange reasons, Zaelro was able to observe everything and anything they do.
You use the "For some reason" phrase with the plural reasons. Maybe it's the way I talk, and I don't claim to be an expert on culture, but I think the correct phrase is "reason" singular.
Alright. That's what my reading found, basically. I like your foreshadowing and your pacing here. Once you trim it up a bit, you'll be able to add "beautiful descriptions" onto your achievement folder. ;) I'll return again once I have time. Hopefully soon.
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