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RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!)

 
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11/10/2008 21:21:17   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

*raises white flag*

Looks like I'll have to change it after all.

On the other hand, another counter argument may be the extensive airing of animes all over the world, many of which untranslated. :P

(OMG! We must defend the world against Jap cultural expansion!) [/joke]

EDIT: This page flagged for unusual regression observations. [/Dr. Bronwen Whiting inspired thread]

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 11/10/2008 21:32:35 >
DF  Post #: 26
11/10/2008 21:25:16   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Animes? Lol, I doubt that'll teach very well. And lack of subs is really annoying. I once had to watch in French subs. <_< However, even after that experience, I wholly admit that my Japanese vocabulary stays as low as 10 words or something.

Though, it'll be interesting if someone learned Japanese just for the sake of anime. Is Zaelro that type of guy?

_____________________________

AQ  Post #: 27
11/10/2008 21:31:51   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Can't tell you without spoiling chapter 6. XP

spoiler:

But if you want to know THAT badly that you read this, remember that Zaelro Fastoff is:
- A geography/history/culture/language/folklore fanatic. This is where I say, 50% of him is me. Or that is before Falerin comes in and make his claim. And his interest in language and folklore (Language, not manga/anime) makes learning a language much easier for him. However, I WILL have to edit it more or less to make it more realistic.
- A born leader and strategist who just knows how to win people. (note, people =/= girls)
- Somewhat of a Russianophile. In that he knows more about Russia than even the standard Russian
.
DF  Post #: 28
11/10/2008 23:30:01   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Oh well, should I say that chapter 6 is already out?

What you will find in this chapter:

- My take on the culture of the Don Cossack, as well as a little rambling about Russian History.
- My reproduction of how Shiki Tohno killed Arcueid Brunestud in the original Tsukihime. Which means, male protagonist kills female protagonist out of an unknown, unfathomable and uncontrollable rage, female protagonist then wakes up and recruits male protagonist as her sidekick. The main differences are:

+ In the original, Shiki cut Arc into 18 pieces with his Eye of Death Perception. [/gruesomeness]. Here, Takashi dealt with Florine in ONE stroke.
+ In the original, Shiki was taken aback by the gruesomeness and fled home as soon as he completed the deed. Here, Takashi's rage resulted in yet another death.

What you will probably NOT like in this chapter:

- Zaelro shows himself to be more of a politician and general than an innocent Harry-Potter-ish schoolboy.
- Maybe I'll have to rework on the slaying a bit. As of now it still lacks detail.
DF  Post #: 29
11/12/2008 0:01:53   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 7 done! I am seriously believing in the completion of this novelty now!

What you will find in this chapter:

- More of Zaelro's Tactician prowess.
- A little fan service in the middle of the chapter. *is killed by Yerameyahu and fan-service-haters*
- Oredin Kaledon's ranting on war and war casualties. How coincidental: Today si Armistice/Veteran/Remembrance Day.

What you will probably not like in this chapter:

- Now Zaelro has strayed a LOT from the Reluctant hero norm.
- There will be a lot of polishing to do in the last conversation. I mean, a LOT.
DF  Post #: 30
11/13/2008 21:58:01   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

I have to admit that my plan for chapter 8's release has fallen through. Now that I have three free days and three subjects which I have vowed to get at least a D (which means Distinction which means 70+), I have to find better ways of balancing my time. Thusly, I am holding this story for at least five days. As soon as I have slain Busniess Reporting and Analysis, I shall return.



< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 11/13/2008 22:04:36 >
DF  Post #: 31
11/21/2008 1:55:13   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Today I announce the end of my exam in the Australian national University. I have taken heavy damage through this occasion- a big miss in terms of Economics followed by a balance sheet that didn't balance [/irony]. But the good news is I have finished chapter 8 of the story.

What you will find in this chapter:

- Steady Steedy the Asgardian Sunlight Steed. Because there is a change in element, some of its powers will differ from Steady Steedy the Asgardian Steed a la my Tsukihime/Adventure Quest fanfiction.

spoiler:

The Asgardian Steed could do the following:
- Innate Chronosphere i.e. freeze time.
- Summons a Thunder Sword into Temporary Slot whose power fluctuates with the user's intellect (As in, 100% Base/100% Random/200% Stat)
- Launches lightning bolts that does heavy damage.
- And a static field that paralyzes.

(Shouldn't this go to AQ Suggestion?)

For the Sunlight Steed, there are some ups and downs:
- Equipped Chronosphere, but not innate.
- Summons Light Brand whose power fluctuates with the user's intellect.
- Lay on Hands.
- Supports the Hadrian Sword of the Five Armies as discussed in later chapters.


What you may not like in this chapter:

- If any of you see that Tsubame is acting OOC, please tell me at once.
- The last conversation didn't have too much of description.
DF  Post #: 32
11/22/2008 17:59:45   
Firefly
Lore-ian


I've just read chapters 2, 3, and 4 over mint and chocolate chip ice cream. Aren't I awesome? =P

It's been a while, sorry for being behind. You know the usual. Busy, really busy. Lemme see if I can say something that'll be helpful.

I like your use of humour during these chapters. There's a lot at stake, but you manage to add light as opposed to how dark and dreary the prologue and first chapter were. The balancing is a good act.

I think you accidentally threw in a Lore reference somewhere. Lemme find it...

quote:

You are the only person, save the gods that can save Lore from the clutch of a power-hungry vampire."

You might wanna change that, lol. And I suggest you rename Mjollnir to something else. Just the name or just the appearance is fine, but when both correspond, considering your wish to publish this...

Chapter 2 was slightly info-dumpish. I dunno if there's a way to fix this. Just make sure you're giving all the necessary info (Prime Treasures, Godslaying ect.) only. The other stuff that can come later should come later so we aren't bombarded with info.

The only typo I'm gonna bother to find is this one:

quote:

"Very well. You can go now" Zaelro said tiredly.

Comma after "now"?

Anyhow, I still recommend you watch out for the dialogue punctuation thing. I covered that a few posts back, so I repeat myself, 'kay?

I like how you use many earth references to video games and stuff at times (referencing things like product names don't violate copyright, I believe. Quotes are a bit more sensitive). It fits and makes the reader relate to the character more. Gives a sense of realism, y'know? However, that means you have to try to keep many things realistic. For example, the history. Was there really a King of Greece? I dunno about later Greece when it fell to Rome, but Greece was the inventor of democracy. Their system was a series of city-states and the leaders of the city states were elected, ect. Bottom line: I don't know enough, so I'm just noting this bit about research.

Chapter three was very interesting. I like how you brought back Argeus and made him more entertaining. I personally found Zaelro more fun, but once you got past the slow prologue, Argeus became just as entertaining. Regarding the letter:

quote:

- First, enforce means of blockade between Earth and Terra to avoid the rest of the Six Prime Treasures to follow suit.
- Second, embark the Gatekeepers to Earth to search for the lost set, and intercept it from falling into the wrong hands.
- Third, the ambassador needs to further maintain an effort to keep in close contact with the local officials to track down the threat, and coordinate action with the rest of the Gatekeepers to recover Gespenst and all of its parts in the shortest time available.

I'm not sure if official letters would use lists like this. I mean, I don't think it works on a business letter, though they're your Gods, so I dunno. Maybe just regular paragraph formation will work?

Also, the dark angel's appearance and tone was interesting. I like how you make the God of Light more forgiving and then contrasting that with the dark angel's bitterness towards how the Gatekeeper failed. You could've described the dark angel more. I know he as a character might not be important, but he's the first of his kind to appear, so it might help to plant a metal image of your dark angel portrayal.

I rather like how you delivered what you foreshadowed in Chapter 4. I knew there was something fishy about Takashi, lol. Regarding Zaelro going out... I think it's more likely he'd be brave not because of the late hour (after just hearing about vampires and almost getting mugged...) but because he's got a bunch of warriors on call all the time. Otherwise, I'm slightly worried about the power he wields. I mean, these knights can appear /anywhere/ They can teleport. You won't even be able to capture them at all since they can just teleport away. This does step into the realms of godmodding, imo... Just be careful you limit them a bit.

Final, random, comment, but I think you might be overusing ellipses. I've been through that stage. It's very tempting. But once you use them too much, they lose their specialty. Most times, a comma or nothing would suffice.

Otherwise, I enjoyed reading that and I think the plot is very intriguing. Slayers, angels, demigod kids... Interesting. Be careful about using too many words at times and making the good side seem too invincible. I'll read more soon. Good luck on trying to publish! If there's anything I can do to help you, please tell me.
AQ  Post #: 33
11/23/2008 22:41:29   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Oh yeah! I've really thought something has gone amiss.

1) If chapter 2 is infodump-ish, then the entire story is so. There are a lot of things hidden beneath the surface, and the revelation in C2 is just the icing of the cake.

2) OOPS! I thought I've killed them all. Because the 2nd chapter was recycled DIRECTLY from my Tsukihime fanfiction, that is what happens.

spoiler:

In the Tsukihime fanfic I was planning, many of the twists and flicks could drive Falerin mad. Remember I killed The'Galin and Artix at the end of Book One of The Ascension? So basically you replace all instances of Argeus by Artix, and implying that Zaelro Fastoff is the next incarnation of The'Galin as opposed to SHIKI as the incarnation of Michael Roa Valdamjong, and you've got it.


3) Well, the polis of Sparta did have a king, among which there was a famous one indeed, by the name of Leonidas. I accidentally learnt about him when some Western scholars compared his last stand and death at Thermopylae and Xiang Yu's last stand at Gai He (SPELLING PLEASE?)

4) Godmodding. Yes, this I have covered since the beginning. This story was built around godliness. The good side is, yes, almost invincible if in decent hand. But the downsides is:

- The demon that Takashi is (ORIGINAL: Eye of Death Perception of Shiki Tohno) could be extremely powerful, but he cannot effectively control it until pretty much the end. Not to mention physical exertion + asthma = 99% chance of an early grave.

- As of present (i.e. chapter 8) Zaelro is an average boy, with a little muscle and no extraordinary prowess. Enough to hold a sword and swing, but that's about it. And you wouldn't know how hard it is to control an army until you have done it...

- The good side have yet to understand its allies. For instance,

spoiler:

- Mina is convinced that Zaelro is a vampire and that misunderstanding wouldn't end for another 4 chapters.
- At least a fourth of Zaelro's 2000-man-strong army hates Takashi for obvious reason, and even when the misunderstanding has been revealed, at least 10% of them would persist.
- One of the generals of Zaelro's would not trust Mina (the German aristocrat) for reasons to be revealed.
- And there is always a fall guy to complicate things up even more.


- And the evil side isn't that weak.

spoiler:

A vampire lord with four almost godlike lieutenants, three full Uber sets and part of another, as well as an alliance with the most militarist and technologically advanced nation of Terra is not a weak foe, by any means. Now, compare him to Michael Roa Valdamjong in Tsukihime who only had infinite reincarnation i.e. infinite Horcruxes and EoDP... No, he'd be much cooler than even Dracula as in Castlevania.


I'll try to hit the 75K milestone before the test results come out. In the worst case, I may get too depressed to write for at least a month...
DF  Post #: 34
11/23/2008 22:58:12   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

(Start a new post to make sure that everything goes nice and clear)

List of stuffs in the cancelled Tsukihime/AQ crossover and their Seisen Engi equivalent in order of appearance:

1) Characters
- Argeus Elmarian Sunrise ~ Artix von Krieger.
- God of Light Aurorus ~ Light Lord.
- Zaelro Samuel Fastoff, demigod-kid on a mission ~ Zaelro Winston Fastoff, The'Galin incarnated.
- Regaly von Gendamme ~ Michael Roa Valdamjong
- Takashi Minamoto ~ Shiki Tohno.
- Nataka ~ Arihiko.
- Florine Silverlance ~ Arcueid Brunestud.
- Mina Hearthglen ~ Ciel.
- The Faceless ~ Nero Chaos
- <Takashi's sister, unnamed> ~ Akiha Tohno.
- Ghoulein Solarcrown, Foremost Paladin and Arch-Necromancer of the Elven Council of Westeria ~ Safiria.

2) Equipment
- Steady Steedy the Sunlight Steed ~ Steady Steedy the Asgardian Steed.
- Aurora Set ~ Golden Set.
- Gespenst Set ~ Shadow/Nemesis Set.
- Paladinian Lightblade ~ Blade of Awe.
- Paladin Plate ~ Golden Holy Armor.
- Deified Paladin Plate ~ Burial Paladin Armor (Hint to all Tsukihime fans out there)

3) Moves
- The Light Spirit of Destruction ~ Spirit of Blade of Awe i.e. Death.
- Sword of the Five Armies ~ an extremely buffed up Holy Might.
- Curse of the Demon of Air ~ Eye of Death Perception.
- <An unnamed, but supposed to be extremely cool move> ~ Seventh Holy Scripture.

More shall be added soon.

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 11/23/2008 22:59:09 >
DF  Post #: 35
11/24/2008 2:53:27   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

(Three posts in a day. The mods/AKs' gonna kill me)

Chapter 9 out today. Although it took much longer than I have planned...

What you will find in this chapter:

- Further introduction of Steedy.
- Japanese winter in a Vampire setting.
- Vive la France! The French general is in! But he appears to be a...

spoiler:

warhorse fanboy


What you will probably not like in this chapter:

- Steedy's personality hasn't yet been revealed.
- An incoherant paragraph in the last section.
DF  Post #: 36
11/25/2008 2:56:09   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 10 out. After a slow start, this chapter came to a whooping close with 4400 words!

What you will find in this chapter:

- Mina is in. But after all considerations has been made, I decided to make her around 100 times cooler than the original Ciel. She is more beautiful and captivating, more decisive, has more personality, and does not have an addiction to curry.
- Steedy is in battle. A little bit of lecturing on military strategy, but all else is fine.

What you may not like in this chapter:

- Steedy is more calculating than he should be, perhaps?
- Zaelro displays some inconsistencies as it seems. I may have to review this a little.
DF  Post #: 37
11/25/2008 16:26:38   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Oh, I've fallen badly behind...

Anyways, I just read chapter 6 and continue to love and adore this story. (I plan to engulf the rest you've posted in one sitting this weekend...)

Your extraordinary writing-speed might have warranted some extra typos to it though; here's some of them in chapter 6 plus other things that stung my eye.

1)
quote:

Lieutenant General Nicolai Maximovich Peshkov’s appearance on that occasion was drastically different to his previous presence in Zaelro’s room, now that the nobleman had adorned a light breastplate engraved with a familial coat of arms, feathered cap and had a brown, healthy steed to accompany him.

Just an article missing there.
A slightly more interesting part having to do with different translitterations would be the name 'Nicolai' which I would translitterate to 'Nikolai' Although, as with the Jefim vs Yefime or Vassiliyevich vs Vasilievich etc issue, this might be because of different conventions when translitterating Russian names into English or into my language... =P Sorry, I just have a thing for languages...

2)
quote:

“Sire, my sword, my skills and my life is yours to command!”

This is one grammatical point I'm very interested in. There's a whole list of things, so should the verb be in plural or does the number of the last thing on the list dictate form of the verb?

3)
quote:

“This is just trickery of the mind, sire,” notified Oredin, “which would be removed as soon as you use your original eyesight of a deity.”

'would' makes this sound as if there was something conditional about his demigod abilities returning. So I'd use 'will' here.

4)
quote:

Gregory Vassiliyevich would turn into a Japanese playboy whenever the glass was on, and back into a Cossack as soon as it was off.

You are referring to goggles, right? So I suspect this should be 'glasses were on'

5)
quote:

”Who say that learning Russian history, language and culture is useless?”

Indeed. =P

6)
quote:

Gregory Korsakov Vassiliyevich sat comfortably on horseback in a dark corner of the park, silently humming a Cossack folk song.

[goes into a nitpicky mode] I thought that Cossacks were a profession and the background of Cossacks comprised of many different ethnicities. Therefore, 'a Cossack song' or 'a folk song' would sound better, imho.[goes out of the nitpicky mode ----maybe =P]

7)
quote:

The Cossack patted on his horse’s mane, lighting a cigarette, apparently enjoying whatever he was doing.

Since you said in the previous sentence that he looked like a teen smoking a cigarette, I'd add here 'lightning another cigarette' or leave the smoking part out of the previous sentence.

8)
quote:

The only thing he needed to was that this boy was his mission, and with all the honor of a Cossack he would point a pistol at himself before he would see the figure slip away.

Something missing here? 'he needed to know was'?

9) Note: Imo, you repeat the name 'Gregory' quite often in the second scene. You might want to consider replacing some of them with 'he' or 'the Cossack' because, for example in this paragraph, it starts to feel a tad repetitive:
quote:

However, completing a mission is normally a completely different matter than just getting to the mission, because in due time, Gregory realized that it was being more of a test of patience that he was taking than a genuine, standard, traditional tracking operation that he was used to. Takashi had sat there for so long, as motionless as a clay statue that Gregory was almost convinced that if he abandoned his post for a couple of minute for a traditional round of vodka, nothing would have happened. However, the call of duty was excessively strong in Gregory, even compared to his peers, and he shrugged off that impression with ease. As a result, by then, Gregory had been sitting there observing for quite a long time, and the lack of activity on behalf of the observed was starting to become boring.

Note also that you are missing 's' from the 'couple of minutes'

10)
quote:

A shimmering, yet faint and weak beam of light shone upon the boredom-ravaged Gregory reminded him of the time.

It seems as if there was something funny in the verbs here.
'shone .... reminding'
or
'shone ... and reminded'
Btw, I love that 'boredom-ravaged' adjective there. The humorous touches you're adding here and there via this kind of word-play make me smile =)

11)
quote:

Her wondrous, slender form was further stressed by her gracious long, winter dress and a light overcoat, that which fluttered in the wind in pretty much the same way her hair did.

I'd suggest you'd remove 'that' or rephrase the ending to 'and a light overcoat fluttering in the wind the way her hair did.'

12)
spoiler:

To Gregory’s surprise, the seemingly petrified Takashi Minamoto, for some reasons, suddenly opened his eyes wide, such that from a distance the Cossack almost got the feeling that his eyeballs were popping out of their sockets, as blood vessels beneath his pupils started to take shape, visible from a mile away.

You've got both 'from a distance' and 'from a mile away' here. Imo, one of them is unneeded.

13)
spoiler:

With a swift movement of his arms and lower body, the schoolboy pushed himself out of the bench as soon as the girl was a stride’s length from him, and the next thing that Gregory realized was Takashi, seemingly possessed, lunged at the beauty without saying a word, diving past her figure like the wind, gliding across the path for a couple of yards, before landing on his feet as skillfully as a professional acrobat having just completed an easy trick. Rolling his eyes at the radical development, Gregory was no doubt astonished, but the feeling of surprise quickly turned into horror when he realized the terrified look on the woman’s face as she looked down at her lower abdomen, where blood was trickling down slowly, droplet by droplet.

Time froze as Gregory realized what was happening: the trickling droplets of blood turned into a stream as the woman collapsed on the ground- in halves. As the dead young lady lay still in the pool of blood, Gregory managed to make out that whatever Takashi had done, it had apparently cleaved his victim cleanly into two in a split second, in the way his parents used to tell him how a mysterious Japanese samurai figure by the name Musashi Miyamoto would carry out his katana attacks for one-hit-kills.

Yours truly's biased opinion tells her that the concentration of the word 'as' has increased out of control here. =P
Suggestions of replacement:
spoiler:

'Time froze as...' -> 'Time froze when Gregory...'
'As the dead young lady...' -> 'After the young lady had stopped twitching in the pool of blood...'

Or something better you'll certainly come up with if you choose to change those.

14)
quote:

His sword draw and in hand,

A typo? 'drawn'

15)
quote:

In any case, his arrival at home was marked by overhearing the grandmother of the host family rambling about a missing chicken and a plethora of other food from the refrigerator, to which Zaelro snickered and silently tiptoed up his room.

'up to his room'?

16)
quote:

He had quite a lot of things at hand to do behind the closed doors of his chamber, homework being just one of which. Another thing he needed to do, according to what the “global nurse” reminded him of,

Hmm, I don't think you really need that 'to do' after 'at hand'. Especially, removing it would cut down the repetition since you have 'to do' also in the next sentence. That 'which' sounds a bit odd to me... not 100% sure, but wouldn't 'homework being just one of them' come across more natural?

17)
quote:

Zaelro was on the verge of throwing his pen and ignore the chore when a whizzing, distorted sound of materials in the background being forcefully displaced sounded right behind him.

The ending of this sentence proved out to be too hard/cumbersome for me to follow through with just one read. Maybe it is the 'sound' and 'sounded' that confuse me or the twice made positioning of the sound with 'in the background' and 'behind him'. How about simplifying with:
'..when a whizzing noise of materials being forcefully displaced sounded right behind him'?

18)
spoiler:

Today, at 9.16 pm, the police patrols of the Central Park district had discovered an abnormal sight in the park. Along the benches in the southern walk, the patrols had found two pools of blood with various blood trails that lead to nowhere. The blood suggests that some extremely violent crime has taken place, but no dead body or body parts have been found.

The tenses of the bolded verbs are not in line with the other verbs. So 'have discovered' for the first one and 'the patrols found' for the second, I believe.
Same here:
spoiler:

According to our newest report, the blood in the park is confirmed to be human blood, thusly the police has concluded that a violent, likely spree-killing homicide had taken place.

'has'?


Back to the prologue... As I kinda hinted in the nomination, I still feel that you could reason Argeus' valours and his ascend to his new status without the slow pacing due to repeating the facts in the prologue. You could, for example, leave the details of the prince's good qualities to the father's speech and concentrate on the affection the people felt for him without the details before the description of the actual ceremony or vice versa, concentrating on his good qualities before the sermon and focusing on the father's grief during it. Just a suggestion, but it might work towards bringing the pacing of the prologue in level with the rest of the story.

OK, I hope you got something useful out of these nittypicky comments of mine and I'll find myself enjoying chapters 7->? next weekend!
DF  Post #: 38
11/26/2008 3:27:57   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

@ fabula:

Well, I'll be getting my test result back in about 4 days, and then I'd expect to be so depressed that I wouldn't be able to write anything for quite some time. So I'll write one chapter a day until the time comes. If nothing too bad happens, yay! If something bad happens, at least this would make up for that.

Among your criticism, the only thing that I don't agree is the "cossack culture". Actually, Cossacks is an amalgram of different indigenous groups rather than a military organization The Sich Cossacks and the Don Cossacks are the most significant, if I am not mistaken. And they have their culture and folklore, albeit not too independent of that of Mother Russia. Yay for And Quiet Flows the Don and Mikhail Sholokhov!

Now, as for today, I proudly bring you chapter 11.

What you may find in this chapter:

- Mina is behaving more humanly than Ciel. Ciel never gets hurt even if she has a leg slashed off.
- Putting Zaelro back to his place. In short, "humiliate thy character" is what I did.

What you may NOT like in this chapter:

- No sub-parts. All chapter in opne straight flow. This may be good or bad.
DF  Post #: 39
11/27/2008 2:52:25   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 12 up! Yes, yes, I'm still on it. Test results in 3 days, and that means bad.

What you will find in this chapter:

- I am making every attempt to cull any instance of Mary Su-ism. The protagonist is far from perfect; he got owned by a lousy vampire, saved by the very woman he was supposed to save, and as of this episode,

spoiler:

failed to dissuade his subordinate in spite of his boasted intellect


- The English commander's first lines and backstory.

What you will not like in this chapter:

- If I cull Mary Su-ism from Zaelro, Oredin becomes Mary Su-ish. Too bad...
DF  Post #: 40
11/28/2008 3:10:01   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 13, and probably the last that I write before the test results come out. Therefore, there is a high chance that this work will:

a) Have its quality dramatically dropping after this release due to moderate shock @ test results.
b) Come to a complete halt because of a major shock @ test results.

I would hope that neither would happen, but in the meantime, I hope you could enjoy what is already out. This chapter is the second longest with 6300 words and three scenes.

What you will find in this chapter:

- Zaelro trying to play Jimmy Kudo.

spoiler:

and successes


- The German general's debut. As of now, this would give you a good bit of hint of the five generals' personalities:

spoiler:

- Oredin Kaledon: Experienced and wise, but often over-cautious, over-zaelous, over-loyal and takes too much responsibility for his own good.
- Sieur de l'Aquitaine: Think of Wallace in Fire Emblem VII: a late-middle aged hulking cavalier with a lot of brawl, some brain, a lot of knowledge on horses and a tendency to speak without thinking.
- Lord Jonathan of Norfolk: A young, energetic and resourceful knight who would have been no worse a womanizer as Sain in FE VII had he been alive.
- Count Schwagger of Hamburg: A noble nobleman whose loyalty is without question. However, detests the weak-minded and cowards to the point of a phobia.
- Lieutenant General Nicolai Maximovich Peshkov: A benevolent commander and a reliable man, but the most quick-tempered and rash of them all.


There goes Zaelro's cadre.

- Cinema galore! Watch... if you dare. WARNING: High blood, gore and dismembered limbs content. Do not take this medication if you are allergic to either of the ingredients. Keep away from children or they may choke on the severed body parts.

(If inappropriate, please tell me and I'll try to censor as much as I an)

- Finally, a bit of fan service to brighten your days (*runs from anti-fanservice activists*)

What you may not like in this chapter:

- Zaelro's godmodding returns...
DF  Post #: 41
11/29/2008 18:04:38   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Well, apparently, I need to acquaint myself more in detail with Michail Aleksandrovich Sholokhov and the Cossacks...
I honestly was under the impression that Cossacks were more like an institution (like Roman legions) than a culture in respect of nationality etc.
*adds a line to her more research-to-be-done-list*

I read chapters 7 to 13 today. Not in one sitting though, but in one day, anyway. Yay for you and for your story!

From these chapters, I enjoyed 9-11 the most, although I have absolutely no general complaints about chapter 12 or 13, either. And chapter 11 worked fine as one flow without separate 'scenes', imo.

There was one thing burdening chapters 7 and 8, imho. You might've overdescribed the method of transport a bit too much. Now, this might very well work differently for those readers who read one chapter one day, the next chapter a couple of days later. But as I read it all in course of a single day, I felt like I don't really need that many reminders of the hitech - transport. So, my thoughts went a little like: "You told me about that already in a few paragraphs ago. My memory isn't that bad." Hence, I would recommend that you would check that out for possible trimming.

I'm happy that you had Zaelro eat up some humble-pie. =P Overtly lucky protagonists can get annoying, even if they are sympathetic otherwise.


Now, I have made a list from a bunch of details that caught my eye while reading:
Chapter 7

Scene 1

1)
quote:

Whatever happened, when there was no news, there is hope for the best.

This is from the opening paragraph. I understand the idea behind this sentence, but it kinda felt odd written like this -- 'no news' --, since the previous chapter just ended in him listening to the news.
So, my suggestion would be to reword that to something like:
'Whatever happened, without confirmation for the worst, there is hope for the best.'

2)
quote:

We hope that by next morning, we would have enough evidence to bring this terrible murderer to light and deal the required punishment.”

This might be just me, lol, but I read this like the murderer was awfully inept, doing 'his job' terribly. =P A suggestion: 'terrifying murderer' or 'monster'

3)
quote:

In the normal case, yearning for vengeance for the death of a comrade is thoroughly within the norm of a normal human being. However, in this case, neither was the mission at hand an average, earthly one, nor was Zaelro a normal man.

Too many 'normals' here, imo. You could, for example, change the first one to 'As a rule' and the last one to 'regular' or ', nor was Zaelro within the standards'

Scene 2

4)
quote:

“Hi,” Zaelro tossed his backpack on the table, calling out to the girl in the table above,

There's some repetition here, but I'm even more confused by the 'table above' as it sounds like her table is somewhere near the ceiling. Eventhough it were a sort of auditorium, a more of a lecture room with rising floor than a flat-floored regular school-class, I'd still use something like the 'to the girl seated behind him'.
Maybe this is again my lack of knowledge about some English ways of expression...

5)
quote:

He should be absent from school for, like, half a week or so. But he is /definitely/ alive and kicking.”

A coding error? Should those slashes be Italics tags?

6)
quote:

, “She is both our school’s pride and the wink of every one in school who is not female.

This is speech, a guy talking to a guy. So, I feel like this is underlining too much. Yes, it's just my opinion, but I'd leave that bolded part out of it.

7)
quote:

Zaelro was thoroughly startled by this movement.

Imo, that word gives the impression of movements of a far greater amplitude than those of a vibrating cellphone. HEnce, it would really draw the attention of Zaelro's classmates. More than you've described, actually.

8)
quote:

”So much for school today…” Zaelro thought helplessly.

This is pure nitpicking, I admit =P, but that word doesn't sit too well, imho, shortly after reminding the readers of his commander status and after he has given orders, etc. How about: '”So much for school today…” Zaelro thought, resigning.'

Scene 3

9)
quote:

As he went on chanting the password, the vanishing accelerated, and in due time, Zaelro could no longer feel a thing in hiss body.

Just a typo.

10)
quote:

Zaelro Fastoff’s first impression was a magnificent one. Before Zaelro now stood a majestic, stone-built castle, no less than a hundred feet in height.

Imo, there's no need to repeat his name this soon, How about replacing the second with 'him'?

11)
quote:

It was quite some time before Zaelro could straighten himself up from the profound awe, draw his sword and advanced straight towards the interior of the Headquarters of the 25th Valhallan regiment.

The tense of the last verb doesn't seem to add up... 'advance'?

12)
quote:

She cannot bring herself to the fact that in everyday’s battle, people falls down like sheaves of wheat during harvest time, and so whenever her relative dies, it would strike her as a complete tragedy.

Just a typo: 'fall'

13)
quote:

“What kind of justice is that when you would seek to squander the lives of your soldiers on a personal vendetta when we have the fate of not one nation, not one continent, not one world, but TWO world at stake?”

You seem to miss the plural 's' from that one.

14)
quote:

“Is it fair for your soldier whose life may be loss in this meaningless run of vengeance?

Another typo: 'lost'?

15)
quote:

“I have no reason to lie, General Peshkov. Even if that weren’t the truth, I believe Oredin Kaledon has already presented you will all the reasoning why this is not the time for you to carry out such radical actions,”

I suspect that should either be 'with' or completely removed.

16)
spoiler:

“As of now, I haven’t fully believed that Takashi Minamoto has truly killed Sergeant Vassiliyevich.

This feel a bit cumbersome way to say it, imho. I'd go with a simpler version, especially because it's speech:
'I am not convinced'
Your call, of course!



Chapter 8

Scene 1

1)
quote:

and within minutes, the army readying to depart into bloodshed just a while ago had been dismissed, and once again the courtyard was relieved of the commotion that wasn’t.

From the opening paragraph.
Was relieved that wasn't? Either there something missing here, I'm missing something, or those last two words need to be removed.

2)
quote:

“Sire, please forgive me, but it seems that you still haven’t believed in the fact that

Imo, one does not believe in a fact. So, I suspect this should be 'believe the fact' without the preposition. However, as with the previous chapter, point 16), I would actually also rephrase this part of the sentence to a simple form: 'but it seem that you still don't believe the fact that..' because it's speech.

Scene 2

3)
quote:

“Did I tell you that Mr. Hitoshi was, is, and shall be head-over-heel with Mina in the foreseeable future?”

I suspect this is a sorta rigid expression that's always in plural (since most humans have two legs =P): 'head-over-heels'
Just a typo?

4)
quote:

“And for today, it seems that Mina-senpai got a free period, so she came down for a walk in the schoolyard,

While this might be technically correct, I'd write that 'sempai' because it's kinda commonly written with an 'm' and gives a better idea of the pronunciation as well.

Scene 3

5)
quote:

As far as the unlikely commander was concerned, the condition of the neighborhood was working against his cause very much.

To me, this comes off too informal when set against the tone of the rest of the sentence with words like 'commander' and 'working against his cause'. Might I suggest some rephrasing? Eg:
'As far as the unlikely commander was concerned, the condition of the neighborhood worked for his disadvantage.'

6)
quote:

The second speaker was quick to show herself, and before long, before Zaelro hovered a female being in silver armor, with one pair of fluffy, feather wing fully stretched behind her shoulder.

An s missing there: 'one pair of wings'

7)
quote:

“It’s valkyrie, Mr. Fastoff,” the winged being’s voice made it extremely had to say whether she was serious or joking. However, the latter is heavily implied, as the being slightly smiled as she finished her last word.

Two typos? 'hard' and 'was'?

8)
quote:

And here it is, in the middle of the room for your convenience.

This sentence was fun! A horse in the middle of a room --- for convenience! Seriously! A good one! *loves it*



Chapter 9

Scene 1

1)
quote:

As Zaelro promptly, and with a clearly obvious degree of feverish haste, changed into his smart, outdoor-appropriate outfit of belted and buckled brown khakis trousers and striped shirt whose long sleeve was smartly rolled up to elbow length,

Just some typos. I think the first one should be either 'khaki-trousers' or 'khakis' and the second one 'long sleeves' in plural.

2)
quote:

“The pure golden mane it has dictates that the power of light within its even is even more powerful than its brothers and sisters.

Some leftovers from editing?

3)
quote:

“Firstly, it could channel its own magic in unison with that of whosoever rides it, resulting in the manifestation of a golden blade of pure elemental light, which could be used as a devastating weapon for the magically adept.

Might be a mere matter of opinion, but I feel like 'can' would be a better form in here if the horse really can do this as a rule.

Scene 2

4)
quote:

Yet, it wasn’t exactly due to his being a coward being frightened just by the average winter sky.

Another matter of opinion, but this is a tad hard to read, ie. a cumbersome structure with that repeating 'being'.
My suggestion would be: 'Yet, it wasn't exactly as if he were frightened by a mere winter sky,'
although you'll probably rephrase it better yourself, if you choose to change that, as my suggestion is still somewhat cumbersome =P

5)
quote:

Yet, to the proud Britons, to admit fear wasn’t quite an option to his ego.

First, there's a typo: the 'Briton' should be in singular. Secondly, imo, since you have 'to the proud Briton' in the beginning of the sentence, that 'to his ego' had a tad repetitie sound to it. I suggest you'd cut those last three words out. Your call, though.

6)
quote:

“Sire, there is little evidence that vampires would appear right out of the blues

I suspect that should be in singular. In plural it has the ring of soulful music to it...



Chapter 10

Scene 1

1)
quote:

The cold, dreary streets of Sankaku was deathly haunting and depressing,

You are referring to streets in plural, so I think that should be 'were'

2)
quote:

In one of the wide and spacious pavements devoid of any normal pedestrian,

In my opinion, that would sound better in plural, I dunno if it's necessary though...

3)
quote:

With nothing else known, it could only be said that she was either an angel or a beautiful demoness, but slightly slanting towards the latter.

Hmm. Imo, this choice of words, although inventive, gives a slight comical ring to the whole description. So, I like it but at the same time, I'm not sure if that fits seamlessly into the overall mood of the description.

4)
quote:

The whizzing sound of the sharp blades was distinctive and deadly- normally, a human with no special talent would be impaled the moment he noticed the projectile cutting into the air. But she was different than what she looked like…

After the previous sentence, the latter implies that she looked normal but wasn't. But, actually your whole description of her before the action starts tells me that she does not look normal, that already her mere appearance makes it loud and clear that she is something very special! Therefore, this bolded sentence seems to be in blatant contradiction with everything else. So, I'd suggest that you either delete that one or rephrase it to something that is in line with her unique superficial attributes.

(A tongue-in-the-cheek-suggestion: =P
'But she was far from the standard, hapless human.' )

5)
quote:

There, on the top of a steel column of a building under construction on the sideway stood a black-cloaked figure, eying interestingly at the attacked.

This form suggest that the way the figure eyed her was interesting, imo. If you meant that the figure looked at the girl with interest, then I think this might be clearer with 'eying keenly at the attacked.'

6)
quote:


The young woman eyed the attacker with a certain degree of contempt, like how a human would look at a worthless insect pestering hiss pantry that needed eradication.

A typo: 'his'
In addition, maybe this is just me, but the word order now suggest that the pantry needed eradication, not the insect.

7)
quote:


With the three last words, with lightning fast the princess produced from her trench coat another bundle of throwing dagger, and spread them in the space in front of her,

It seems there might be some editing mishap here. 'With the three last words, the princess produced...'?
Anyways, the 'daggers' should be in plural.

8)
quote:

There was a loud scream as the unlucky fall guy of the attacking army was turned into a hedgehog within seconds,

You've lost me here or I lost myself... Either way, please help me out! =P

Scene 2

9)
quote:

As the Britons glanced at the victim, his eyes rolled,

A typo: 'Briton' should be in singular?



Chapter 11

1)
quote:

The young maiden’s voice rang beside Zaelro’s ears like a nightingale’s tone, soft, yet still sharp, passionate and feeling-conveying, leaving the hypnotized teen dazzled even more.

A mere matter of opinion, but to me, a sharp voice makes very unpleasant impression that is in too big of a contradiction with soft voice. I'd go with less adjectives here: 'soft, passionate and...'

2)
quote:

The haste in which the young lady had been in when he stuck hiss arm out to take her on Steedy had resulted in her failing to take off her steel,

Another typo of this type.

3)
quote:

Normally, with that much blood loss, a normal human could expect a coma and either an emergency blood transfusion or imminent death, whichever comes first.

The 'normal' gets repeated too much again, imo. I feel like you're putting too much effort in telling us that these events or these people aren't normal by constantly comparing them to the standard, when in fact, you don't have to do that since the events you describe speak for themselves. This goes as well with this quote as in general in the story. So, in this case, I'm sorta suspecting that you could kill the whole sentence...

4)
quote:

“Wow, your horse could speak?”

I suspect the right form her is the present tense: 'can'

5)
quote:


“You could hear him as well?”

Similarly to previous point: 'can'

6)
quote:

Startled, the knight-to-be Britons could only turn his blade to tackle the dagger.

A typo causes this to be in plural when it should be in singular.

7)
quote:

Zaelro was far from that status, and as a result, it was no surprise that he was totally fallen by the quick move, being thrown off the horse and landing on the ground flatly on his back.

'flat on his back' would flow better, imho.

8)
quote:

Still recovering from the impact and scrawling to get back to upright position, Zaelro’s standing up was market by a dagger right next to his neck.

A typo? 'marked'

9)
quote:

As he shut his eyes and mentally braced for impact, however, an unexpected event suddenly happened.

I think that the words 'unexpected happened' already implicitly tell us that the even was sudden. Therefore, I'd edit that 'suddenly' out here.

10)
quote:

Rather, the hostage took all his might into his right elbow and delivered an extremely powerful, in ordinary human standard, blow at the creature behind him.

Imo, that's a bit obscure/cumbersome way to describe what happened. 'Rather, the hostage concentrated all his power to deliver an inhumanly powerful blow at the creature with his right elbow.'?
I think you could leave the location info 'behind him' out because that's described just previously.

11)
quote:

As she slowly turned back to see what could have probably happened, Zaelro could already guess what had happened.

I'm suggesting yet again some rephrasing to cut down the repetition:
'As she slowly turned to see what could have happened, Zaelro already guessed the answer.'



Chapter 12

Scene 1

1)
quote:

Apparently, the escape and the battle that followed had strained his not-yet-battle-hardened more than his limits.

Is there a word missing somewhere in there?

Scene 2

2)
quote:


The generals stood up, but their necks still bent, totally convincing Zaelro that his trusted knights have been too harsh on themselves.

Not sure about the tense... 'were too harsh'?

3)
quote:

It was high time he find a way to deal with this being treated by a royalty while he had done barely anything noticeable.

Hmm. I think you're meaning to say: 'treated as a royalty', right?

4)
quote:

“Well, now that you are seated,” Zaelro began, not after all of them had been fully down, “allow me to ask, who had told you that I was attacked?”

Imo, this is way too cumbersome and unclear. It sounds like Zaelro began after all of his lieutenants had suffered some serious depression, as if this were no longer a simple process of sitting down...
My suggestion for this: 'Zaelro began, but not until all of them had secured a comfortable seat, '
Although that might not have quite the effect you're going after, either.

5)
quote:

It was too early and unreliable to jump to the L-word, but Zaelro’s intention, putting it frankly, was far from pure.

So, I'm suspecting that you are referring to 'love' here and not to the other four-letter-L-word =P Since that common idealistic notion of love associates love with pure, there is a certain danger that this sentence is a bit confusing, imo. So, he has romantic ideas? His intentions are 'far from platonic'? 'far from sheer chivalry'? What I'm saying is that 'far from pure' may have a sound to it that says Zaelro's intentions had some selfish, dirty back-agenda rather than he had some 'romantic wishful thoughts'

If I have completely misread what you meant with this, I apologise about this rant.

6)
quote:

“Sire,” bowed Oredin, “if you would persist with that option of yours, I would like to inform you that your work in the foreseeable future would be double.

'workload'?




Chapter 13

Scene 1

1)
quote:

Even the age-old wisdom that Oredin had won through the ages proved rather useless in that one instance, its owner sitting there, hand propping his chin, thinking rigorously.

Imo, the repetition of 'age' could be easily taken care of with changing the latter to 'centuries'. Your call, really.

2)
quote:

“You know, when you see a suffering right before your eyes and could do next to nothing to help ease that agony.”

I suspect 'suffering' is treated as an uncountable noun here and hence I'd remove that article.

3)
quote:

A slight chill ran down Zaelro’s spines.

A typo.

Scene 2

4)
quote:

Zaelro said as he produced the offending music player, clicked a series of button to mute the sound,

Another typo, this time missing the 's'

Scene 3

5)
quote:

The last thing she did for him, as he could remember, was to deliver the steed to the one who needed it the most, which she carried out with perfect discreet.

A typo: 'discretion'

6)
quote:


“Well, certainly I didn’t expect you to know about that,” Argeus said, shrugging both his shoulder and his wings.

Since 'his wings' is in plural it would feel natural that 'his shoulders' would be too.


OK, I think those were the typos, suggestions on details etc.

Now that 13 chapters have been laid out, I noticed that I'm hoping to see a bit more about the family Zaelro lives with. Just a couple of more short encounters, etc. It would anchor the story also to the home Zaelro is living in, imo.

I hope you have recovered from receiving the test results!
DF  Post #: 42
12/2/2008 3:23:58   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Argeus here reporting from Copland GO32, Australian National University. The tests have been a general success:

- STAT 1008: 73/100. I must have screwed the final, but in general, acceptable.
- BUSN 1001: 73/100. Looks like the impact of the balance sheet that didn't abalance wasn't that great.
- ECON 1001: 78/100. I. Don't. Believe. It. I thought I almost failed! In any case, no one told me they were giving Cournot Equilibrium and Oligopolistic Competition for the test in the first place while I was nailed down with Market Failure and Policies. In any case, I was like, 2 points from High Distinction. Acceptable.
- MKTG 1004: 70/100. Another such call. I wouldn't have made it had it not been for the work of a benevolent soul named Dominic Lea, who complained on our being faultily marked. The result was another free 2 marks on us, and, thusly, I still got a distinction. Booya!

Now, as for today, chapter 14 is up. Thanks to Fabula for the amazingly detailed feedback! I'd come back to those typos and suggestions, definitely, definitely.

As for today, what you will find in this chapter includes:

- Back on Terra for a case of Arthas-esque confrontation.
- We now have a, putting it in Aegina's words,

spoiler:

Aurora Set on a pole


What you may NOT like in this chapter.

- Fight scene.

spoiler:

The old Gatekeeper got owned too quickly!


- Aegina. Yes, yes, I am trying to craft her in such a way that she moves

spoiler:

from a big flirt who woos any male angel having a chance to work with her into a loving, loovable and devoted woman for the character bearing my forum name


from one end of the story to another. Just tell me how.
DF  Post #: 43
12/5/2008 0:25:57   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Big failures for this week include losing three days and a huge portion of interest due to a part time job. This qualifies as my first true and devastating writer's block ever since I begin writing this work.

Anyway, I now have to declare a couple of stuffs, mostly procedural:

- Name change: As suggested by Firefly, the name of the entire story is going to be changed to reflect its nature more.

- Book volume cap: The portion I am writing shall be officially capped at the point when

spoiler:

Argeus Elmarian Sunrise approaches Florine and asks her to join him on the hunt for the uncollected Ubers (I am using an AQ term for easier understanding).


at which point I shall call it the end of the first part and probably ship it in to an agent or a publisher, depending on how the situation would turn out to be on that day. At that point I would expect a 150K novel, enough to entertain a person with a average reading speed for almost a day. A name for this portion as a standalone shall come into the first post in the foreseeable future.

Some structural alterations would have to be carried out because of this development, and some (not all) spoilers may turn out to be meaningless, so stay vigilant.

- Removal from AE Forums: If, or when, I take this story to an agent/publisher, I'll have this story and all material related to it taken off the forums for purely commercial reasons.

If (not when. I am not sure if the first step would even succeed) the story comes out and starts going down into a particular publisher's financial report as an asset (i.e. bringing in cash) then it is guaranteed that the second part would not make its way up here in any case, for obvious reasons of the "down and dirty world of marketing" - Andrew Gary Hughes.

I'll see you when Chapter 15 is done, which would be anywhere from Saturday to Monday.
DF  Post #: 44
12/7/2008 23:44:37   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 15 is done! Although this is likely to be a "chasm" chapter without too much points of interest.

What you will find in this chapter:

- A little more detail on the family with whom Zaelro is starying.

What you may not like in this chapter:

- Deus Ex Machina in the end.
- Suuichi may be somewhat unrealistic.
DF  Post #: 45
12/9/2008 3:07:45   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 16 done today! (Note to self: I have 68K left before this story is deemed unpublishable, and there is going to be a LOT left.)

What you will find in this chapter:

- The Minamoto secret is OUT! For Lordaeron Azeroth Lore Hadrius! (Yeah, THAT's more like it.)
- So we have a teenager with a humongous fortune involved...
- Zaelro's two cent on morality of a murder tool.

spoiler:

A person is killed. Do you blame the murderer or the murder weapon?


What you may NOT like in this chapter:

- The part having to do with Zaelro's trip to Takashi's place. I didn't really liek that part myself. Any suggestions welcome.
DF  Post #: 46
12/10/2008 3:31:53   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 17 out. Finally, I have reached one of the core points of the OLD story's plot device:

spoiler:

In the original plan, the Golden Plate found its way to Zaelro, because the Prime Miser of Leprechaunia, Uncle Sham, (Yes, you read me right, the boss of the Golden Set Quest) stumbled upon Misaki by means of a portal failure, and "confiscated" Ciel's golden locket. Zaelro got mad, and summoned Oredin (Equipped with Shadow Spear) and beat the crap out of him.

In this new version, the situation is quite different and much more complicated though


What you will find in this chapter:

- How French cavaliers were trained. (I am not sure this is historically correct, though)
- Argeus Sunrise's first appearance to the protagonist

What you may not like in this chapter:

- Final scene. It may need more polishing.

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 12/10/2008 3:32:11 >
DF  Post #: 47
12/13/2008 18:54:09   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

The good, the bad, and the ugly events of RL have made me fall behind my schedule. All the reposts and comments I had planned to do on Wednesday got pushed over to Friday/today, thus also hindering me from reading your story as planned.

Luckily, I did find at least time to read chapter 14. Here are my comments on that.

General: Ah, a twist to more serious business. I have nuthin' against that. I like the setting, although you might be overdescribing it in the beginning of the chapter with too many mentions of 'frozen'. Hmmm, I might agree with the fight scene spoiler.

The list of suggestions, details, etc:

1)
quote:

no one could recognize the lush, green and healthy glades that was itself in summer, just a couple of months ago

? I'm sorry, I'm not sure if I get this... Did you mean: 'healthy glade it was in the summer'?
Should the 'glades' be in singular as the opening paragraph ends with 'the glade'?

2)
quote:

The only evidence of a lively season passed in the frozen and desolate grove were clear steadfastness of the grandmother oak trees, still defiantly standing regardless of the frost and aridity, with its undaunted survival bearing its distinctive mark on their firm and far-from-lifeless trunks and barks.

I'm bit confused by the 'its' and 'their' in the last part of the sentence; I'm in the dark about which refers to which here. Furthermore, should the 'were clear' be 'was the clear'? And since you tell us about the 'undaunted survival' and the frost has been described previously, I'm suggesting that you'd leave the 'regardless'-part out. Your call, though. But, please consider making it the references at the end of the sentence a bit clearer.

3)
quote:

But at present, the slashing wind through the frosty air was all what a traveler could see within the glade.

Imo, you don't need that 'what' in there nor that location mentioned at the end, since the readers should know that by what has been described.

4)
quote:

The emptiness of the place, devoid of any human life was primarily because of its seclusion from mortal life.

Hmm. I was wondering if that sentence could do without one of these 'lives'... I mean, explaining that the place was devoid of humans because it was secluded from mortal life doesn't really provided any explanation.

5)
quote:

not only did a majestic mountain range separate it from the southern Wheat County of Hadrius almost completely,

Imo, those two last word quoted here diminish the effect the word separation brings here, quite unneeded. So, you could consider removing those last two words, imho.

6)
quote:

as well as aid the destined heroes on their ascension to godliness when such dictated by divine wish.

I suspect there's either 'was' missing between those two words or the 'such' should be 'so'?

7)
quote:

Never before had a fighter single-handedly defeated, and killed, an entire gatekeeper’s family, and got away with the ill-gotten gains.

OK, this is purely a matter of preference, but I'd go with just one verb instead of two. Why? Beacause just stating that they were killed after telling they were defeated doesn't really add that much to it. It would be a different thing if you wanted to elaborate the way of the killing or the state they had been driven in just before killing, but now, as you only tell us they ended up dead, you could do the job with just one word. Eg. 'slaughtered', 'wiped out' or 'smote down'

8)
quote:

In just a couple of days, their pride was crushed like an insect as one after another of the treasures they were supposed to guard fell into unworthy hands, and worse of all, even their order itself was on the verge of annihilation.

Just a typo? I think the 'of' should be in fact, a comma.
Also, I think the second bolded part would work better as a superlative: 'and worst of all' because there's that 'all'. If you want to keep the comparative form, the I'd suggest removing that word: 'and worse still, their order itself...'

9)
quote:

a lone, traveling figure trod hastily across the frozen path, leaving especially deep footprint wherever he stepped into the snow

Any particular reason why you need that 'figure' in there instead of a simple 'traveler'? Also, the word 'footprint' would sound more natural in plural in this context. Just my opinion, though.

10)
quote:

In stark contrast with the snow-laden breeze, the tail of the black cloak hung behind the traveler, leaving a trail of flowing black, almost turning its wearer into a walking shadow to the unaware beholders.

I was very impressed by this sentence! However, I think the second instance of black would be the perfect place to use a synonym like 'obsidian' or substance like 'ink' or 'liquid coal'. You'll probably come up with an even better solution if you choose to change it.

11)
quote:

In great harmony with the surrounding the structure stood,

Another matter of opinion. I dunno if I have told you this yet, but I usually dislike the word great, since it feels too weak, imho, too ordinary to be describing anything but maybe a physical size. In fact, I'd probably leave that for geography only (as in Great Britain or the Great Barrier reef). My suggestion for a replacing word would be 'perfect', but it's your call!

12)
quote:

Nothing happened in around five seconds as the duo fixed gaze;

Sorry for being such a nitpicker, but 'five' in fictional literature is way too exact a number to be having 'around' in front of it, in my opinion. It starts to sound like 'approximately 4.856 kilograms' in my ears. However, I'm well aware that this is my view only. I dare to make some suggestions:
'For a few seconds, nothing happened as the duo fixed gaze;'
A very strange suggestion =P:
'Nothing except the passing of exactly five seconds happened as the duo fixed gaze;' =P

13)
quote:

while the visitor’s eyes were completely hollow of all feeling except for a rage that has consumed everything human in him.

I suspect this is just a typo: 'had'?

14)
quote:

throwing his hood off the top of his head, revealing beneath it the face of a young man in his early 20s,

A matter of stylistic preferences, but imo, that's enough of an easy number to be written as 'twenties'.

15)
quote:

“Are you god-fearing any more, son? Or has the trauma blinded you into this kind of heretic?”

Not 100% sure, but shouldn't this be 'heresy'?
or:
'has the trauma turned you into a this kind of heretic?'

16)
quote:

It is a big disgrace in Harlen Graminor’s life to have raised a student who proceeds to forget all the moral lessons he has learnt and thrown away all his beliefs just at a moment’s crisis!”

Not 100% sure of this either, but shouldn't this be 'to throw away' as in 'who proceeds to forget and to throw away'?

17)
quote:

“I have taught you everything you know, son,” the old gatekeeper said fiercely as he unleashed his own weapon- the standard steel longsword of the gatekeepers engraved with the crest of their respective Divine God; in this case, that of the God of Light – and pointed at the offending student. “Your last mistake is to believe that you can defeat me.”

The next thing the old gatekeeper realized was his student returning him such a gaze as if he had officially been named Frasden’s worst enemies. Sighing, the gold-cloaked gatekeeper saw that there was just no hope for the junior Gatekeeper by now. Shaking his head for one last time, as if struggling to free himself from the last bound of relationship, Harlen Graminor charged forward at his former student, and the youth in question followed suit quickly after that.

This is the point where you might be repeating the 'gatekeeper' the most. I suggest you could change one or two of those to 'man' as in 'the old man' or 'figure' as in 'the gold-cloaked figure'.
Also, I think that you don't need 'after that' after the word 'followed' since that already implicitly included in the expression 'followed suit'. Suggestion: 'and the youth quickly followed suit.'

18)
quote:

and there, from his chest emerged a bloody blade- soaked in his own blood.

Just to cut down the repetition (and avoiding it to end up sounding like the British curse), I'm suggesting a little rephrasing:
'from his chest emerged a blade, soaked in his own blood.'
Your call, as always!

19)
quote:

The news of the traitor Gatekeeper’s heist spread like wildfire along all levels along the chains of command of any organization reporting to the six gods of Higher Heaven.

Is one of those 'along's too much of should the other be 'among'?

20)
quote:

as if there was an unknown devotion unbeknownst to her before she met him.

?? Duplication-remnants from edits?
'as if there was a devotion, unknown to her before she met him'??


I'm sorry that these comments focused merely on the details. I try to give more general comments again after I've read chapters 15-17. Till then!
DF  Post #: 48
12/15/2008 3:26:28   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 18 is up! This chapter features the most epic fight scene until now (that is, before a whole lot more is coming. I hope I can end this before the 160000 milestone, though)

What you will find in this chapter:

- We find out who Mina is. Or who is Mina.
- Here goes Frasden Laslow - although he won't make it through the chapter.
- An EPIC fight scene, culminating with...

spoiler:

Zaelro going into a godlike trance and smash Frasden into nothingness.


What you may not like in this chapter.

- I have said that I am going to Ship Zaelro and Mina. so maybe the scene at the beginning of the chapter was not satisfactory.
- How did the main character go Godmodding is not yet explained.

Sorry Fabula, the pace of the work means that my editing in your comment would take EXTREMELY LONG. As I've gotten a parental decree to have this done by the beginning of January, I have no other choice. Sorry for that.

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 12/15/2008 3:27:55 >
DF  Post #: 49
12/16/2008 1:26:01   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Chapter 19 up! And much earlier than normal due to an early coming to school today. However, due to quota constraint I will not be able to add another chapter for today.

What you will find in this chapter:

- When you read this chapter, you would not dare to spend 1M to buy Mjollnir any more.

spoiler:

for fear that the mace would take over your character and make him/her a god


- The Zaelro-Mina shipping is becoming more obvious.

What you may NOT like in this chapter:

- Perhaps the length. It is only half the size of C. 18, and nowhere as flashy.

At this moment I announce that the transition between the Tsukihime/Adventure Quest fanfic The Ascension of Kuriaaga no Ajisu Book Two and the original story Seisen Engi is complete at last. No longer will the two become exchangeable, because:

1) Point of view conversion beyond return: Many of the key events that happens to Shiki Tohno in Tsukihime will NOT happen to Takashi Minamoto, because of POV, and thusly RETCONNED.

2) Character Deconstruction and Reconstruction: By now I am pretty sure that Reglay =/= Roa (Evident since chapter 10), Argeus =/= Artix (This is true even since chapter 7/8-ish) and Mina =/= Ciel (Made true after this episode. Ciel never spent too much time worrying about what happens at school). Florine is going to be a far cry from Arcueid, but that would not be evident until chapter 25/26, so the character that would be the closest to the original Tsukihime would be Takashi. Yet, he, too shall be converted not later than chapter 30 (which is the end of the first book).

Oh, and the infamous Nero Chaos would be converted the moment he appears.

spoiler:

In the original, Eye of Death Perception + Nanaya Shiki = Uncreated Nero. In this, Demon Form + Takashi Minamoto + Sword of the Five Armies + <insert random number from 1 to 2500 here> soldiers of the 25th Valhallan Regiment + Zaelro with the Paladin Blade = Nero Chaos Equivalent death for the FIRST TIME. Note the block letter.
DF  Post #: 50
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