Firefly
Lore-ian
|
Due to the time issues you mentioned, I'm going to be pretty blunt and brutal here. Remember, I love the story no matter what I say below. It's simply my opinion and you can disagree, though I suggest you analyze the comments carefully before discarding them. I hope I say something helpful. ;) Also, I might've typoed parts of the critique so anything you don't understand, please ask me either on the thread or in PM.
Prologue, Scene 1
quote:
For as far as mankind was concerned, for as long as the flow of history ran undisturbed, few man had died with more mourners than those nearest and dearest to him.
The stuff before the first comma, imo, is pretty redundant. And it's repeating the later "man" I really find it unnecessary to state this because it's obvious we're not talking about animals... right? So yeah, I suggest you delete that.
The thing betweeen the next two commas feels a bit wordy. Er... "Since the dawn of history..." a bit cliche... "For all the time history flowed undisturbed..." "For as long as history flowed undisturbed..." Anyhow, I suggest you get rid of either flow or ran 'cause they kinda make each other redundant.
"men" not man. Few is still more than one.
I'd change "had died" to "died" because this circumstance is still happening. And "had" is so often overused that killing when possible is my best advice.
"and dearest" can go since it's not really necessary and kinda breaks the flow of the sentence, imo.
quote:
Fewer still enjoyed the last rejoice of being followed to their graves by a substantial crowd who admired his deeds as a living, and those whose deaths would turn an entire nation to tears numbered less than the fingers on one's hands, for every nation yet to exist and have a name and civilization of its own.
This sentence is... too long. The beginning should be there to add impact, not to drag the audience through extremely long sentences. I suggest killing the "and" and breaking it at the bold. Adds more impact if you separate these types of people.
"still" might be unnecessary and can be confusing due to its multiple meanings.
"enjoyed" paired with "rejoice" seems like you're pressed for vocab. I'd change rejoice to honour or something.
"who admired his deeds as a living" can go since it's obvious why they followed him to his grave. Even if you keep it, I suggest "admired his deeds during his lifetime" since forcing living to be a noun is pretty awkward.
"would turn" is wordier and doesn't add as much impact as a simple "turned" Actually, I think turned isn't strong enough anyways. Maybe plunged. I dunno. Your call.
"for every nation..." can really die, imo. It adds extra impact, but it really breaks the flow. Or... how about trimming it to something more direct? "for every nation present or yet to exist"?
quote:
Prince Argeus Elmarian Sunrise of the Kingdom of Hadrius was one of those vast minorities.
"the Kingdom of" might be a little redundant since you just talked about nations and called him a prince.
"vast" might be better deleted because a minority is /small/ not vast.
General note: you can cut out entire sentences from the next paragraph where possible, but I'll leave where you make those cuts up to you. So ignore my edits for sentences you plan on cutting out.
quote:
It was a Sunday like any other.
Like and was are both a bit weak. I'd say "Sunday dawned with the usual activities" or something. Currently, it sounds a bit contradictory since it /wasn't/ like any other except on the surface.
quote:
When the church bells rang in unison and the nation's activities were brought to a standstill altogether for the sake of the Sunday Service of the Holy Church of the Light all over the entire kingdom.
Too many words, especially since the church bells isn't the point of the prologue. I'd say "When the church bells rang and the nation halted for the Sunday Service of the Holy Church of the Light." This gets the point across fine. Also, any way you can trim that name of the church? It sounds really unwieldy. The Sunday Service of the Church of Light?
quote:
When the pious chanting and the silent prayers all over the lands replaced what normally were the relentless bargaining and arguing of a busy life, cities and countryside alike.
Again, too many words. "When pious chanting and silent prayers replaced relentless bargaining and the arguments of a busy life" All the stuff about the land and country and whatever isn't relevant, imo.
quote:
And when one could find nobody without a proper outfit for the service, or with their hands and feet soiled with a day's workload.
"one could find" can still be taken out. "And" is probably unneeded. I suggest, "When everyone dressed in a proper outfit for the surface, hands and feet unsoiled by the usual workload" or something. Feel free to use your own versions; I'm trying to give you a general feel.
quote:
However, that Sunday was far from normal in its own way.
Sounds a little weird. Its own way? Imo, could be much stronger. "However, subtle hints marked this Sunday as different from its predecessors" or something. Was isn't a strong verb.
quote:
Amidst the bell tolling, the chanting and the silent prayers, there were the strange, strangled sobs and sniffs, neither known to congregations nor to services.
"tolling" can go. We know what the bells are doing and tolling isn't nice for the flow, imo. And wasn't there more than one bell?
"sobs" is a.. what do you call 'em? Unaccountable nouns? Anyhow, no "the" before sobs please.
"strange" doesn't fit imo. Kinda diverts the attention. What makes them different from regular sobs? And "sniffs" isn't necessary, imo. "there were strangled sobs..." is my suggestion.
The last part is a bit strange. I think you're trying to say they weren't native to congregations/services. It can simply be deleted since it's obvious, but if you want to keep it, I suggest changing "known" to something more clear, like "part of" or something.
quote:
The shade of white seen not just in the outfits of monks and nuns, but also the common person, and the omnipresence of bouquets of white lily wherever a church stood was far from normality.
Er... the first part sounds a bit awkward. I don't think "seen" is the correct form there. Anyhow, I suggest "White adorned/covered/whateververbyoulike not just the..." because that uses a stronger verb.
the part after the last comma can be a bit leaner, imo. "and bouquets of white lily (plural? I dunno if it's a technical requirement here) lay before every church" or something to that extent. Try to avoid passiveness.
quote:
Together with the similarly, deathly white flags flown at half-mast in the courtyard of Hadrius Castle, the seat of the royal family of the kingdom, the atmosphere around the kingdom could suggest only one thing.
A lotta not-needed things here, imo. "similarly" sounds weird. Are you trying to use it to imply they all looked the same? If so, unnecessary since the audience will assume that.
"the seat of the..." to the comma is pretty unneeded, imo. What else does a castle do but house a royal family? Well, lots, but that's the one thing the audience is going to assume. =P
"around the kingdom" /might/ be unneeded, but if you take out the above point I pointed out, it stops the repetition of kingdom so I guess you can keep it if you like.
"could suggest" can be "suggested" Lots of these double verbs are unneeded.
quote:
Prince Argeus Elmarian Sunrise, the only son and heir-apparent of King Ryuan III of Hadrius, had passed away a few days prior, at the age of twenty-nine, leaving behind the kingdom promised to be his to rule in due time, and the people to whom he had promised a benevolent king and a wise ruler.
Imo, this sentence is getting too long to be impacting. If you can, break it up, but if you can't, just trim to the best of your ability as suggested below.
"heir-apparent"? Wouldn't a regular "heir" do just fine?
The comma before "at" can possibly be removed, especially with how many commas are in this sentence already.
"to rule" is probably unneeded. "in due time" can be "someday" to be simpler.
"and the people..." is probably unnecessary since you outline his wisdom in the next part and we already know the nation has people in it...
quote:
A young Prince whose intelligence and wisdom far overshadowed even his own father, Argeus' affiliation with the Paladins of the Holy Church of the Light not just as a royal prince, but as a pious and benevolent knight, as well as his unprecedented bravery and his decisiveness in military-related conflicts with the various neighboring kingdoms and the numerous war achievement the Prince had had over the years had only strengthened his popularity with the people and their trust in his leadership in a foreseeable future.
Sorry... Just... too... long...
We already know he's a young prince. I'd say "With intelligence and wisdom overshadowing even his father, Argeus'..."
Alright, you can either heavy-trim this or split it up. I suggest the latter because it's really too long... "...father, Argeus fought alongside the Paladins of the Church not just as a royal prince, but as a pious and benevolent knight. His bravery and decisiveness on the battlefield resulted in the resolutions of numerous conflicts with neighbouring kingdoms, honing an immense war achievement that strengthened his popularity with the people." Sorry, do I sound like I'm just arbituarily rewriting this? Feel feel to come up with something else, but currently, imo, it's too long.
quote:
Needless to say, the people of Hadrius had great hopes in the prince. They dreamt of magnificent economic growth as well as glorious military triumphs in the prince's reign to come, a beautiful dreamt abruptly brought to an end by the prince's death. And now, the entire country was mourning for their lost prince and a promised dream now untimely destroyed as well. As a result, though the prince's funeral officially took place at the Holy Cathedral in the capital city, the mourning certainly spread far beyond the scope of the cathedral, or even the city.
Y'know, the problem with this paragraph has already been recognized by you, no? It's needless to say all this. His popularity would naturally give them hope and we already know he died. I suggest you delete this whole thing, to be honest. If you want to retain some qualities, just add a few key points to the paragraphs before and after.
quote:
Another bell toll echoed over the capital city, signaling the recital of the prince's funeral eulogy to the thousands of mourners in front of the cathedral.
"toll echoed" can simply be "tolled"
"capital" might not be needed since we already know that.
"in front of" can be "before" to be simpler but your call.
quote:
Amidst the air thick with incense, the deep and emotional chanting of the congregation and the ubiquitous sobs and sniffs all around the cathedral, a white-robed figure, bent with the weight of the crown on his head and the unbound sorrow in his heart, none other than the unfortunate father, King Ryuan III, stepped forward on the main pulpit to deliver the speech.
The whole "Amidst..." clause is actually pretty unneeded description, imo. It's making this sentence dangerously long. Sure, it's nice description, but imo, it's still unneeded fluff. If you decide to keep it, I suggest you trim it down to the best of your ability. Take out words like "emotional" and stuff that aren't needed.
"bent with" might be better as "bent from" but your call.
"unbound" is pretty unneeded, imo. I think it's taking away from the important word here: sorrow.
Er... "none other..." ect. I'm not quite sure is grammatically correct and even if it is, it's kinda detracting from the sentence. I'd say "...heart, stepped forward on the main pulpit to deliver the speech." And then add a sentence saying "King Ryuan III, the unfortunate father, gazed around at his nation." or something.
quote:
The sudden silence that eloped the place as the king ascended upon the steps, when the congregation and the choir promptly stopped their chanting and singing, was sorrowful, solemn and haunting all at the same time.
This is coming a bit close to infodump, imo. You're tellling the audience not just what happened (silence) but how to feel about it (haunting, ect.), something that should be kept to a minimum. If the words aren't enough to evoke the feeling, fix that. Don't tell us. Therefore, I suggest a simple, "A sudden silence enveloped the city" or something. Replace city with any word of your choice, though place sounds a little generic/unfocused. (Btw, I assume you meant to type enveloped since eloped means to marry secretly) If you want to keep the part about the choir, you can, I suggest, though take out all the stuff about solemn and sorrow because that's rather unneeded.
quote:
Even though the king has spent days to write the eulogy, trying his very best to put his feelings to words, it was understandable that no amount of words could sum up his feelings, his sadness and emptiness at the moment.
To be fairly honest, even this sentence isn't altogether necessary, but if you want to keep it...
"had" right? "has" is the wrong tense.
"spent" can be "laboured for" or something to add more impact.
"very" might be unneeded.
"put" is a bit weak/informal. "transribe... into words" might work better. Or better yet, that whole clause can just be deleted and thing will still work.
Repetition of words that I dunno how to fix... Taking the delete route seems more attractive now... =P
"his sadness..." can be deleted since it's obvious that's the kind of feeling he's going through atm.
quote:
"Today we are here," the king began the speech, and even though he tried not to cry before the public, his blackened eyes due to loss of sleep and anguish were still wet with those tears he could not hold back, "to see my dearest only child, our people's beloved prince, our nation's pride, as well our kingdom's promised future to the eternal happiness he deserves in the afterlife.
There might need to be a comma after "Today" for both grammar and pausing effect.
"the speech" is probably unnecessary.
"his blackened..." can be trimmed maybe to "his blackened, sleep-deprived eyes shone with tears he cold not hold back" Gets rid of the "were" too. =P
quote:
In this sorrowful hour, we are all here to mourn for the demise of the greatest hope of our country, the future of our kingdom and the lost promise that our people have always been hoping to.
Technically, this sentence is pretty unneeded since it's barely doing more than repeating the stuff said in the previous one. However, I know speeches like these often repeat things so this might be okay to keep if you're attached to it. Though, I think it should be "hoping for" not "hoping to"
quote:
Even though everybody among us wants to believe this is just a terrible nightmare, that the God of Mischief is just playing a prank on our mortal mind, that none of this has ever happened, we still have to brace ourselves for the truth.
"everybody among us wants" can simply be "we want" I don't think using the long stressed version here is a good idea since there are more important things the sentence covers.
"just" is repeated. I suggest you take it out at least one of those times. I suggest the second.
"our mortal mind" can simply be "our minds" I don't think overall mortality is the issue here; more like the mortality of one man, if I'm making sense. Also, mind should be plural, right? 'cause they don't share one mind...
"ever" doesn't fit, imo. I mean, death comes some time; they just don't want to believe it's now.
quote:
Yes, the Crown Prince of out Kingdom of Hadrius, the Paladin Order's foremost champion, as well as my dear son, Prince Argeus Elmarian Sunrise, has passed away."
Only one objection here: I think "of out" should be "of the"
quote:
The pain-laden voice of the sorrowful king devastated by the loss of his only son reciting the speech was moving enough to bring even the most steel-hearted man to tears, and the king's innate rhetoric talents, ironically, just added to the weight of the speech. After a short pause, the king continued.
Imo, too many adjectives here. Feels a bit clunky. I think you can integrate the voice with the pause and then plunge back to the speech. "The king paused, letting his pain-laden voice carry through the silent crowd, before continuing." If you want to keep the steel-hearted thing, you can, but it's a bit clunky and might take away from the actual pause of the speech.
General note: since you outline his valour in the next parts of the speech, you can take out some stuff from the beginning that's repetitive. Just give enough in the beginning to make it clear he was a good prince and leave all the specifics like the paladinship and loyalty for the speech to say.
quote:
As you have known, for his whole life, Prince Argeus has been a courageous knight, an honorable soldier and a respectable general who thought of his homeland first and foremost.
"As you have known" is a bit awkward but "As you know" sounds rather informal. I suggest you take this part out since you already made it clear the crowd already knows.
quote:
We all know that during his short time as a Paladin, he has led various campaigns to defeat our nation's enemies and restore peace to his motherland.
All this we all know thing is kinda detracting from the actual deeds he did. I suggest just saying "During his short..."
"has" might not fit since he's dead.
quote:
Five campaigns against the barbarians of the North, six decisive battles against the various maleficent denizens of darkness, as well as the final blow against the rebellion of the demon-worshipping cultists, all of which has demonstrated his great bravery and military talent.
"various" might be unneeded. How many types are present is not too relevant to the plot.
Again, "has" might need to be taken out since he's dead now.
"great" is probably unneeded and isn't such a strong word anyways.
quote:
No enemy could turn him away, and his appearance would make even the most voracious of foes cower in fear of the strength and justice of his sword.
"even" is kinda unnecessary, imo. I dunno, I just feel it doesn't fit here.
"of the strength..." to the end of the sentence can go, imo. It sounds like it's tacked on just to communicate the fact that he uses a sword (which can be conveyed later)
quote:
However, the deed that put him amidst our greatest heroes was the destruction of the vile invading hordes of the Altaren Empire just last year, effectively halting their advance on our kingdom, ensuring peace and prosperity for our people in many years to come.
"put" sounds a bit weak. I suggest "placed"
"amidst" might fit better as "among" but your call.
"invading hordes" can simply be "invaders"
"effectively..." right up to the end of the sentence can be deleted since the fact he destroyed them already implies it all. I guess you can keep it if you want (as always) but I honestly think it doesn't flow and seems to make this sentence drag on longer than it needs to be.
quote:
That deed, anyone who calls himself a Hadrian, would know, would remember and would appreciate, and so would his children and grandchildren to come.
The way you're structuring this sentence doesn't sound... natural. "Anyone who calls himself a Hadrian would remember and appreciate that deed, and so would his children and grandchildren to come"
quote:
Prince Argeus' talents lay not just in conquering the enemies and crushing anything that would threaten the peace of our motherland.
A lotta the stuff here is unnecessary, imo. "Prince Argeus knew about more than just crushing enemies" is simpler and gets the point across.
quote:
His various deeds in administering the Southern Counties, as well as his diplomatic mission to the Westerian Union, and a multitude of innovations and ideas in ruling our homeland, for the sake of our people would no doubt bring about many benefits to our country in many years to come.
I think there are quite a few unneeded words here... "His skillful administration of the Southern Counties, his diplomatic mission to the Westerian Union, and his multiple innovations and ideas in ruling our homeland, would not doubt bring benefits to our country for years to come." Btw, you seem to always need to state both country and people, though often, audience can assume benefit to one means benefit to the other.
quote:
After all, who could forget about the irrigation of the Bronze Fields when tens of thousands of tons in surplus grain is harvested every year in a place where only weed and wild grass grew? Who could forget about the construction plans for the Eastern Sea Harbor, when millions worth of goods is now being transported every day, even to the furthest of countries away?"
Not sure if pulling out these specific examples are entirely necessary. If you must keep them, I suggest changing "forget about" to just "forget" and to basically trim other parts to the best of your ability. I'm sure you've learned how to do it by now due to all my above ranting.
quote:
Another short pause passed, and the king continued, his voice trembling in what could be readily translated into a fine mix of both rage and pain.
Imo, this could be more impacting if it were choppier. "Another pause. When the king continued, his voice trembled in rage and pain" All the translated and mix stuff are pretty much scaffolding, imo.
quote:
As the scroll shook in his grasp, King Ryuan's voice thundered with conviction amidst the silent air solemnized even further by the complete silence of the surrounding.
Imo, this whole sentence might be better gone since you just said he continued and you don't deliver the dialogue on time, so to speak. We already know the crowd was silent as already stated and the repetition of silent/silence kinda makes it seem like air naturally makes noise or something. If you /want/ to keep this, "surrounding" here should be the plural "surroundings" If you want to keep just the shaking scroll, move it somewhere into the previous sentence or as a sentence by itself.
quote:
Our cowardly enemies are afraid of our glorious Argeus.
I think "were" fits better since, again, Argeus is dead.
quote:
They feared that his ascension to the throne of our godly Kingdom of Hadrius would bring about the end of their treacherous ambitions.
"that" is probably unnecessary and doesn't bode well for the flow.
"godly" seems a bit tacked on uneededly, if I'm making sense.
"bring about" can be replaced by the single word of "mark"
quote:
Their armies, frightened of stepping up to our prince, our champion face to face, resorted to ambushing his hunting convoy!
Stepping up/face to face and prince/champion make each other redundant. I'd say "Their armies, lacking the courage to fight our champion face to face, resorted..."
quote:
O Argeus, woe be with your unyielding bravery, that you single-handedly defeated all but one of your enemy, only to be shot from behind by the coward trembling in fear of the Prince Paladin's judgement!
Purely my observation, but the rest of the speech was delivered in a different tone than this one. I'm not sure if you're overdoing the literary devices here with the second person. Anyhow...
"enemies" not enemy, right? since there was more than one in total.
Since the rest of the sentence was in second person, I think the end should reflect that. So Prince Paladin might need to be a simple "you"
quote:
The lesson of your courage and valor shall never be forgotten, and let the tale of your last stand be engraved in the heart of every Hadrian soldier, whose blades of steel shall bring doom to those responsible for your death!
Lesson, for me, implies that Argeus made a mistake to bring out his death, which isn't the case. I'd just say "Your courage and..." That makes more sense.
"of steel" is rather unnecessary. I think any blade that does its work will be nice atm, right? =P
quote:
Rest in peace, my child, that you have my word that our sworn enemy, Altaren, shall pay for their crime!
The way you joined the ideas is slightly forced, imo. Why not two sentences? "...my child. You have my word..."
quote:
However, one thing was certain, that while the King was pausing his speech, the ceremony's silent background until now was filled with the notable sound of teeth grinding in anger, and the flare of vengeance was clearly visible in the eyes of every mourner, regardless of gender, age or social background as tears quietly rolled down their cheeks.
Getting wordy again... Your dialogues are much more streamlined than your narration, from what I see. Anyhow...
The comma after "certain" probably can't hold things together well enough. Also, kinda long and overly detailed... Lemme try, "However, one thing was certain--while the King (I don't think you should use the capital here...) paused (were pausing was unnecessary passive voice) in his speech, the ceremony's silence filled with the telltale sound of grinding teeth. Vengeance flared in the eyes of every mourner, regardless of gender, age or social status." (You can keep the tears part but that didn't feel right for the flow and focus)
quote:
Finally, the mourners looked up again, wiping their tears, as the king's voice raised again, bringing his speech to a final conclusion.
The mourners were looking down? I don't remember you saying that. Perhaps "Finally, (you sure you wanna keep this -ly adverb?) the mourners wiped their tears and looked up at their king, as his speech culminated in a final conclusion"
quote:
Argeus, no matter how much this father's heart bleed, no matter how much tears we shed for you, no matter how much we regret a future that could have been ours, it is the gods who have made their judgement on your demise.
Since he's speaking /to/ Argeus, I think "your" works better than "this" here.
"bleeds" right? That's the grammatically correct form.
"many tears," I believe. Tears is a countable nouns so it's many not much.
"a future" doesn't sound powerful enough. I think "the future" adds the right touch.
Shouldn't "Gods" be capitalized if the speaker believes? Anyhow, there are so many formats for this that I can only suggest you be consistent in your capitalization.
quote:
Even though I know that we all resent the gods' decision for you to die such an untimely death by such cowardly hands, there is nothing we can do about this except to mourn for you, and pass judgement on those who has caused us this irreplaceable loss.
"Even though" here sounds a bit awkward. I'd make this a "but" sentence. Also, "I know" is a bit weird since he's speaking "we's" so of course he knows.
Some unnecessary words. I suggest, "We resent the gods' decision (you can add the part of untimely death and stuff though that's pretty redundant, imo. Also, "by" can be in"), there is nothing we can do except mourn you and pass judgement on those who caused this loss"
quote:
The gods' verdict has been made, and we must abide by it and live on.
Made sounds weak but I can't think of a suitable replacement outside of pass which repeats from the previous sentence. Hmm. Oh well, I'm just noting it in case you think of something I can't think of.
quote:
However, Argeus,if you could hear me from beneath the cold earth, I would like to say that your father, your mother, your friends and comrades, your brothers-in-arms and your people would never forget about you, your glorious deeds and what you have done for us.
Random comment: this is why I prefer to use the Oxford comma. Less confusing to read. But that's entirely your choice and you've consistently not used it so I can't complain. =P
Space after "Argeus"?
"can" better than "could" imo since he's still in the cold earth.
"beneath" is slightly unnecessary and breaks the flow.
"I would like to say that" can be replaced by a simple "remember that"
"would" should probably be "will" since dialogue = present tense since this is what the character is going through /right now/ even if the readers are viewing in past tense.
quote:
You have fallen, but your spirit will live on for as long as Honor, Courage and Justice still have their say in our nation's way.
"shall" is better than will here for impact, imo. Especially if you take my above suggestion so you don't repeating "will" here.
"for" can be taken out.
The part after "Justice" is rather clunky, imo. I'd say "...and Justice remain in our nation" Simple, powerful. But as always, your call.
quote:
It appeared that for the bleeding heart of the king, handling the speech as the Head of State was too much.
Er... sounds a bit weird. I think you're overdoing the metaphors slightly. "For the heart-broken king, handling..."
"as the Head of State" can be taken out since it detracts from the more important things.
quote:
The aging monarch difficultly stepped down the pulpit, and just as he was about to take his last step, the father lost hold of himself finally, and broke down into tears, almost slumping on the ground had it not been for his close aides, who propped him up fairly well.
Imo, could be phrased better without all the -lys. "The aging monarch had difficulty stepping down the pulpit, and as he descended from the last step, he finally lost control. He broke down in tears and would have slumped to the ground had it not been for his close aides" (what the aides did is obvious, so no need to mention)
General note: You seem to love using various titles for people. Aging monarch, father, king, ect. Continues all throughout the story. I love it too, but too much can get distracting for readers. Clear is always better than vague. "The feathered member of the bird family made its characteristic noise" just doesn't communicate as well as "The chicken clucked."
quote:
The crowd of mourners, both inside and outside the cathedral, upon seeing the state of the distraught father, similarly reacted, with no exception.
The way this sentence is structured makes it have many unneeded pauses. "Seeing the state of the distraught father, the mourners..." Also, I don't like similarly reacted. What did they do, exactly? Break down in tears? Fall to their knees? I think specifics paints a better picture.
quote:
The triple white flags flown at half-mast at either side of the cathedral, the white outfit of the mourners and the congregation, as well as the late winter's snowflakes showering upon the roads, painting the whole surrounding in an overwhelming color of sorrowful and deathly white, summed up the mourning of Prince Argeus, as the Prince was escorted to his final destination- the Asgardian Mausoleum, where all the great heroes and heroines of Hadrius were buried.
The imagery is beautiful... if only it were a bit leaner so it's more enjoyable as opposed to overly sophisticated. Also, I think you can split this sentence because it's very very long right now. One of the white imagery, the other of the prince, 'kay?
"The triple white flags flown at half-mast, the white attire of the mourners, as well as the late winter snowflakes showering on the roads, painted the scene in an overwhelming colour of sorrowful white. The conclusion of the ceremony dawned as Prince Argeus was escorted to his final destination: the Asguardian Mausoleum, where heroes and heroines of Hadrius were buried." Some of the stuff you can keep like "all the" The main point here is to break up the sentence. It's slightly too long for my tastes.
quote:
For three days and three nights after the prince's burial, the heavy snow went on, bringing a grim shade of frozen tears to the streets and fields alike, as if even the gods were weeping for the death of a great hero.
This sentence is omgbeautiful, but... I actually do suggest you delete it since ending it in the last sentence of the burial is more focused and powerful, imo. Slay your darlings! Okay, I have a feeling you aren't going to agree with me on this one so I'll suggest a fix to this sentence to trim it to better shape in case you keep it.
"For three days and three nights (after the burial is unneeded, the audience can deduce that), the snow blew on, veiling the streets and fields with frozen tears as if the gods were weeping at the death of a legend" I basically used a few verbs that I thought were stronger and I replaced hero with legend since you used hero in the last sentence.
quote:
However, the events that followed showed that the intentions of the gods were often beyond the comprehension of mortal humans.
Repetition of "that" I'd take out the second one.
"mortal humans"? I'd say "mortals" Rather repetitive atm, imo.
quote:
And that the passing away of a hero may be the harbinger for even more achievements of that very hero...
"of that very hero" is repetitive, imo. Honestly, I think it's better without it.
Stopping here for now. I'm not sure if you like the way I edit so I'll just give you this for now in case you don't like my, er, excessive butchering. If you'd like, I'll keep editing, though I think you can spy a lotta the objections I have using this edit as a guide to your future edits so you can take care of the problems with your own editing. Good luck!
|
Printable Version
Icon Legend
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread
