Maegwyn
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Excerpt from a Not-Particularly-Legendary Tome
By Rimblade
The most successful book of all time cannot be found in any stores. Rather, this tome is passed down from father to son, from mother to daughter.* Empires have risen and fallen because of what is written in this ledger, though few monarchs have ever been aware that it existed. It is one of the most fundimentally immoral and subversive
writings ever produced, and would absolutely have been burned if anyone in athority had ever heard about it. The following passages are short excerpts from this tome, obtained only with great difficulty and in absolute secrecy by The Zardian's security ninjas (Many of our authors are not aware that we have any. Man, these ninjas are GOOD).
I give you...
THE BYSTANDER'S GUIDE TO STANDING BY
Prologue: Brothers and sisters (and others), if you are reading this, you have realized your true calling- nothing. Ages come and ages pass, but NPCs who stand by with shocked expressions on their faces and sometimes offer commentary are eternal. Indeed, within this book, you shall learn the secret to immortality; the art of becoming completely
useless. If you have any qualms about this (for it is a harsh calling), it is not too late. Close this book now, and go forth and do things. In a thousand years, you'll be dead...
And we shall be standing by.
Chapter 1: The Art of Standing By
Standing by or 'bystanding', as the initiate may say, is a noble and ancient art, first devised by Mr. Durrwut, notable at the time only in that he lacked any sort of survival instinct. When problems arose, he would utilize the now-classic strategy of standing about scratching his head until a more proactive person showed up and did
all his work for him. This proved to be a great success, and he became an extremely idle millionare by age twenty. Sadly, he perished at the age of twenty-one when he proved unable to decide wether to fight or flee from an oncoming herd of cattle.
From his example, we learn the Three Rules of Durrwut, those codes which must govern our daily lives.
The Codes of Durrwut
1. Whenever a problem you do not immediately know how to handle comes up, do not attempt to solve it yourself. An adventurer will be by shortly to do it for you in exchange for nothing but the promise of 'XP'. If more than one adventurer arrives, see if you can get some to do your everyday chores for you too.
2. If a dangerous situation arises, please be aware that running will only make things worse. Fighting will also only make things worse. It is best to stand in a large crowd in stunned silence, or perhaps hysterical screaming. If movement is required, this author suggests a slow and confused milling. Remember that if someone
shows up to deal with the problem, they like it when you shout one-line bits of cryptic advice or scream 'Save us!'
3. If any sort of weapon comes into your hands, it is vital that you NOT USE IT. This same principle should be applied to any ancient artifacts of which you are the guardian- it is almost certainly better to keep them in a large and empty hall with massive windows than in some sort of secure location. On the other hand, if you can be sure that no evil menace would be interested in said artifact, you should seal it in a complex maze filled with traps. This will improve the feng-shui.
Chapter 5: Plot exposition
As an NPC, you are entitled to know more about the plot than any Player Character knows. If you happen to discover something important regarding the storyline, it is best to reveal it to a player in one of two ways.
One- Cryptically. Say it in a poem, or a metaphor, or in Latin. If the player questions you further, you have the option to either repeat what you just said, over and over, or to fall back on the old 'If I tell you, you will not understand' line. That one always gets 'em.
Two- Recap! Instead of simply saying 'The Dark Lord is sequestered in the castle north of us', give a long and exhaustive explaination of the entire storyline. Show the player pictures of your cats. Talk about the weather a bit, then throw that in suddenly. If the player asks you to repeat yourself... START FROM THE BEGINNING.
Chapter 11: Social Environments
When you are at a dance or party, or in a mall, it is important not to be dynamic. Walk in set patterns, and shop at the same stores, over and over. If you are with someone, do not at any point attempt to dance with anybody else. It is important to appear part of the background, so as not to arouse suspicion in the player
characters.
Chapter 14: For the scientifically inclined
When you are at a computer, it is imperative that you press the same keys over and over. The import of repitition cannot be stressed enough. It is impossible to overstate how important repetition is. At any case, also take care to insure that your screen is displaying something colorful but unimportant. Keep graphs of meaningless
data about for this purpose, and also write up a report or two on just how much you hate writing reports.
Chapter 17: It is important to repeat what you are doing.
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
Chapter 19: Always Repeat
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
Chapter 43: Keep a portfolio of boring personal stories
These should invariably involve something completely and totally irrelevant to the main plot, yet should sound vaguely as though they might be related. If successful, it is best to advise other NPCs to refer back to your story, thereby making player characters think that they're onto something.
Chapter 532: Have we mentioned...
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
It is important to repeat what you are doing. It is important to repeat what you are doing.
In conclusion-
Remember, it is important to always repeat what you are doing.
(Paid for by the coalition to pay for things. Because more stuff needs funding.)
*So, technically, it's NOT the 'most successful' book of all time, just the best-read.
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