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Vaka and his comments on his poems

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11/13/2008 17:03:15   
Vaka
Member

Hi everyone!
Well, I guess this is to comment on my poetry.
Here is the link: Vaka and his poems

Enjoy, everyone :)
AQ  Post #: 1
11/16/2008 22:56:03   
Vaka
Member

New poem up: "Perception"

It's meant to express that the subject feels targeted, and attacked. He goes on to discuss why he must endure so much, and comes to the conclusion that it's his perception of his circumstances that affects the life he leads.

Or, at least, that was the message I was trying to get across XD

It's a pretty rough poem, so comments on it would be greatly appreciated :)


< Message edited by Vakametru -- 11/16/2008 23:10:58 >
AQ  Post #: 2
11/17/2008 19:09:14   
SL
Member
 

 Hello Vaka! (: I felt the need to address my compliments, first off, for getting approval. I'm quite proud of you; I'll take you and the boys out bowling to celebrate. xD

Anyways, this was a pretty good poem; it has become clear that you use repitition to drive your points and messages home, which is good, but it is something that can get tiring, when opposed to, say, rhyming. ;P

I reccomend being subtle when trying to make something clear. It is fun for readers to figure out the message themself without hints, and, have possibly multiple meanings to a poem, which happens more often than it sounds.

All in all, I think it is a terrific poem. The themes you've demonstrated on this, and in previous poems in Eng: 101, are good themes that you can base a story or poem off of nicely.

Keep up the good work. (:
AQ DF  Post #: 3
11/20/2008 21:55:54   
Vaka
Member

Thanks for the advice, and compliments SL!
I'm sorry I haven't been updating this as frequently as I should do; my duties in the OOC come first, and I find sparse time between that and school work to write poetry. However, for Christmas, I am writing a very dear friend a poem, and having it framed alongside a collage. So expect that up soon.

Oh, and I plan to make this poem more rhyme based, then repetitive ;)
AQ  Post #: 4
11/26/2008 14:11:01   
Vaka
Member

New poem up!
Sorry this has taken awhile; contradictory to what I said last time, this isn't the poem for my friend ;P

It's called ' If Only I Could Sing'.
AQ  Post #: 5
12/21/2008 13:02:46   
Vaka
Member

Yes! I FINALLY managed to finish the poem for my friend :) This is my first poem where I've tried to implement rhyme - hope you like it!

Think of me.
AQ  Post #: 6
12/21/2008 15:27:49   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 Think of Me was very powerful and interesting. You captured great emotions with it and your metaphors and similies were beautiful. The main problem I see is repetition of certain words/phrases. As well, I'm not the biggest fan of your punctuation scheme, but I'll leave those specifics alone as most people wouldn't even notice and it's fairly subjective in poetry anyways. ;)

quote:

When I said that I was blind
You gave me eyes to see.
When I said that I was mute
You gave your voice to me.

Imo, "that" is a word that is often overused and thus better taken out if it could be. I think the verse here flows better without it.

quote:

You filled it full of care.

I think "with" makes more sense here.

quote:

You made me smile with warmest joy,

I think that part sounds a bit awkward. I'd say "with warmth and joy"

quote:

And despaired every passing day.

"each" seems to flow better.

quote:

Tears of despair as I mourned.

I'd use sorrow or pain or something because you already used "despaired" and repeating seems to not do justice to your vocabulary. ;)

quote:

My world turned a darkest grey.

Hmm, using the word "grey" /again/ to rhyme seems a bit forced/redundant. Perhaps something else, like "I started to lose my way" that still rhymes but doesn't repeat.

quote:

Whether it be on walls, or in Think of me.

In what? I might be reading this wrongly, or perhaps you forgot a word?

quote:

When your sky’s are bleak, are grey,

"skies" is the correct form here, I believe, since it's a plural as opposed to a contraction.

I hope this helped. Keep writing!

_____________________________
AQ  Post #: 7
12/26/2008 16:36:41   
Vaka
Member

Edited! Thanks for the grammatical tips, Firefly! I've made changes based on all of your points; your suggestions were very good. And yes, I forgot to put the word 'drawers' in there! >_>

It's a shame I didn't put that poem up earlier, as I've framed it and given it to the friend I've written about already - the one I've given to her doesn't even make sense!

*Kicks self*

Aah well, at least I've changed it now! :P

Thanks again!

< Message edited by Vakametru -- 12/26/2008 16:37:15 >
AQ  Post #: 8
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