Maegwyn
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A Letter to the Editors
By Cow Face
Or, Conspiracy Corner: Cow Face
By Nuclear Dragon
Dear Editors,
Hello. I am a long-time reader and first-time writer. Ordinarily, I would not be moved to write, except perhaps to compliment you on the fine quality of most of the articles in the Zardian, as it is quite a bother for me to do so. Talons do not work a keyboard particularly well, I am afraid. However, I have been growing considerably more exasperated with one section of your otherwise excellent e-Zine: the so-called Conspiracy Corner articles.
The reason for my complaint is that I feel they are doing considerable harm to the reputation of many of the fine species and substances of Lore. While most sane adventurers would completely disregard Mr. Face's wild claims, I fear that some of the more ... zealous might take him seriously, and wreak immense havoc against these creatures. Examples of this are in some of his more recent works, namely those railing against Werewolves and Magic. While I can see that he might possibly hold a grudge against the Werewolves of Lore for some obscure reason, he has no right to abuse that staple of existence, which could even be construed by some as the lifeblood of my species - Magic.
Now, I can see that he most likely has good intent, and is merely led astray by phantoms of his mind. However, I do not feel that he should be allowed to simply spout them whenever and wherever he sees fit. Indeed, it clashes with the quality of the other articles in the Zardian, which - generally - have a very good amount of sanity. It would appear that he at least attempted to show a certain affection for my species with his article on anatomy, but there were many, many logical fallacies, as have been pointed out by others. I feel no need to reassert these, but let it suffice to say that many are of a rather critical nature. In addition, he has attacked hot dogs. This, I must admit, is inexcusable. No one may insult that greatest of foods, that King of Meat, and escape unscathed by my censure, and I assume the censure of my colleagues.
Do not let it be said, though, that I am against everyone being able to speak their minds. I myself have fought for Dragon rights in my essay Let Us Say What We Want, Because You Are Small, Crunchy, and Tasty. Nonetheless, I feel that there is a proper time and place for everything, and such a venerable, vafrous, and au fait magazine is not the place for Mr. Face's - or perhaps Professor, as he seems to style himself - mad rants.
Let us look deeper into the subject though, than simply arguing with him on points of logic. Perhaps he cannot help himself. What I am driving at is that I must profess to the apprehension that Cow Face may, in fact, be quite mad. His condition seems to have become apparent in only his second article, The Hot Dog Conspiracy. As mentioned above, only a true psychotic would insult that most prestigious of snacks, that Chateaubriand of consumables. What seems to have ensued from this dreadful beginning is a downward spiral of poor Mr. Face's sanity. It seems to have dropped farther and farther, until he is now sitting in his own deep pit of depravity. I suggest that a complete psychological analysis of Cow Face be undertaken. Unfortunately, this could lead to the downfall of many great minds, who could possibly be driven to distraction by the dark pit that is Face's mind.
Further than his ridiculous theories runs his folly. For example, who in their right mind(s) would choose "Cow Face" for a name? Obviously, this choice was nothing more than a desperate plea for attention, resorting to self-deprecation to draw notice to himself. Is this merely the folly of a silly man? No, it is an insane move, tried in desperation, to give himself an identity. Also, I have heard from reliable sources that he has multiple personalities.
In conclusion, I would like to thank Ms. Alac and Ms. Maegwyn for taking the time to read this letter. I hope that they may at least consider my words, and perhaps contemplate taking a course of action to help this poor man, Mr. Cow Face.
Regards,
Nuclear Dragon,
Author of Om Nom Nom Nom: An Anthology
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