Maegwyn
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...falalala, lala la laaaa!
It's that time of year again, folks! Time to put up the tree, put away your weapons, and put the moglins on the tree (and if I find one more of the little beasts trying to sneak away afterwards, I'll do worse than duct-tape). It's the time for giving, and, more importantly, the time to receive powerful gifts with which to wreak havok upon this unsuspecting world.
Does it get any better than this?*
But wait! Zorbak and his minions have come to steal the holiday of Frostval, by kidnapping all of the moglins and... no, not this year. Um...
Sandy Claws has come, with his army of elves**, and you must- No, that's not this year either.
In any case, you know that, at Frostval this year, something evil will occur. You know this because you have some sense of history, and realize that patterns do, indeed, exist. Every year since the beginning of time, something evil has occurred on Frostval, and that is simply how the cookie crumbles. No one ever wonders why.
Putting that obvious lead-in aside for a moment, Frostval is not unique. Mogloween, Hero's Heart Day, whatever holiday it might be, there will be something for the keen and canny adventurer to buy/steal/do battle with. Year after year, this same phenomenon occurs, and year after year it is accepted. Why?
Because that is how it has always been done.
The real question in this strange, annual madness, is precisely what the villains get out of this. Now, to be a villain, one must naturally be a touch short sighted. They have to have complete confidence that their dark plan is entirely unlike the dark plan that other guy had last week, and will succeed beyond all expectation. I imagine that they have encouraging tapes, with which they convince themselves that they are not antisocial and destructive people with a variety of psychological problems, but rather geniuses before which the combined might of the world cannot stand.
Here's an example: -=You are evil. Your schemes are so dastardly that assassins flinch from your sight. Men in dark capes with handlebar mustaches pause as they tie maidens to train tracks to gape in awe of your dark plans. Your army is vast, like a great tide of foul miasma, washing away the piteous defenders of the world. Your great tower is unassailable, filled with traps and guards, and impossible to sneak through. Your secret doomsday spell/weapon/other is of such tragic force that heroes so unfortunate as to behold it are choked with tears at the thought of their swift failure. You are so evil...=-
This would explain quite a lot about the typically boastful and confident demeanor which all of the bad guys possess, regardless of the failures of predecessors. Still, one has to wonder, 'Why attack then?' Perhaps the tape has several more lines: -=...and that is why you should attack them on this holiday, while they're on guard. Since no one would be foolish enough to attack when they are prepared, they will be taken completely by surprise.=-
But as amusing as it might seem to imagine the foibles of evil being the fault of mere tapes, it is quite unlikely, and I strive to my utmost to keep this document in a scholarly state for the use of scientists to come.*** No, we must abandon mere fancy and look for the cause in more mundane situations, such as the natural effects of LORE's rotation on native flora and fauna, adverse chemicals of drakel origin wreaking havoc on the biospheres, and aliens.
Now, aliens are an extremely recent development on LORE.**** In my day, one had to walk uphill both ways (which explains my dislike of bored Archmagi) to get to Granemor from Battleon, but at least we didn't have to worry about extralorestrial creatures descending from the skies, stealing our cattle, and making rather tasteless modern art in our wheat fields. This was due only in part to the fact that we possessed neither bovines nor grain.
Regardless, these days, aliens have a profound effect on LORE, at least we think so. I mean, we know that the beings the Devourer brought with him were aliens, but what about the things which, while they did not come with The'Galin, are also extremely odd and speak using a combination of 'Beeps' and strange noises apt to sear the mind to ash? It is extremely hard to tell, which can be rough on a hero. No one wants to get caught in a situation like this:
Sir Groovums: "Hark! What strange and frenzied thing is this, wreathed in tentacular decay, eyes alit by fantastic red malevolence? Back, creature! Return to the cyclopian pit from which ye ascended, and nevermore trouble our fair world, until the stars burn to embers and the oceans drain away!"
Thing: "Oh, actually, I'm not an alien. Sorry, um, I actually came from the marsh behind your house."
Sir Groovums: "...oh."
It's really embarrassing, and then, when you do meet a real alien, you're reduced to battle cries such as 'Please go away, whatever you are!'. Given, it's more polite, but I think we can all agree that it lacks a certain crucial element of drama.
War-cries aside, the point of the matter is that aliens do matter. It is well within the power of competent extralorestrials to bend a dark mastermind to their strange will. It is not difficult to believe that Shadowscythe waits in orbit, using strange and advanced processes to prod an evil overlord into action, mobilizing his forces so that they'll arrive in time to assault Battleon (Helpful hint for aspiring overlords: attack something else first, this never works). Every single year, every few months, these collectives of aliens juggle a thousand subtle manipulations, allowing history to repeat itself, and minutely shaping history
on a grand scale. And they do this for one reason:
They are all complete jerks
So, enjoy your Frostval, and remember: if you see a UFO hovering above on some snowy morn, feel free to pelt it with snowballs. It's what they'd do to you.
- This study sponsored by the Institute for the Propagation of yet more Institutes, celebrating thirty-five years of making life more complicated
*The answer you're looking for is 'No'
**EVIL elves, you'll note. A telling plot.
***This is a very special kind of academic paper, wherein I am allowed to use the first person. Also, my citations and bibliography are located in the 100-room dungeon. If you can't find them there, you haven't spent enough time wandering aimlessly about.
****Technically, they're also an extremely old development, but the point is that they're a VERY new old development, and should therefore be treated however I please.
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