Maegwyn
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Phoenix, Sentharn
Report on NPCs.
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Why NPCs Never Masticate in Public
While traveling abroad studying the Mysterious Spawning Items that seem to plague many a countryside, I have come across a rather interesting phenomenon.
Perhaps a little introduction is in order. I am Sentharn Phoenix, renowned scientist, twenty-seven time winner of the Annual Award for The Most Obscure and Ridiculous Studies of All Time, receiver of many (misdemeanor) citations, and one of The Top Ten Most Rich Non-Money-Making Scientists In The Land. As you may be able to tell, I am very influential, to the point where my theories make others sufficiently angry as to drive me out of their towns! It must be jealousy, I'm certain...
Returning to my story. In my travels, I have noticed a very fascinating trend involving NPCs. More specifically, I have yet to see an NPC masticate in public! That's right! With very few exceptions, NPCs rarely, if ever, chew in public!*
I have put a great deal of effort into ascertaining the validity of this claim, to the point where I have been sneaking around in a most undignified manner, disguised as a walking trash-can in order to observe other NPCs in privacy**. Indeed, some might say I went above and beyond the call of duty in my studies, for I attempted to peer into several households around dinnertime to observe the NPCs as they ate (of course, all of the windows were either closed, curtained, pitch black, or bright yellow***, making it impossible for me to see inside). After countless hours of careful observation, and countless more hours of scraping dried food and such out of my hair, I have my own theory as to why NPCs are unwilling or unable to masticate in public.
I put forth my main theory as such: NPCs must be incredibly shy! They are simply too afraid that people will see that little thing in the back of their throats that twitches when they shout****, and so hardly open their mouth long enough to speak, let alone eat! The shame of others seeing their hirglobalgoganord**** is so great that NPCs avoid opening their mouths for long periods of time.
This also supports some other interesting behaviors I have noticed, including "Why NPCs Never Eat Popsicles".
Of course, it is also possible that the Architects of the Land simply never thought to include chewing animations in their NPCs; understandably, since such an undertaking would be quite difficult!
Don't believe me? Here's a test you can use. Go to your mirror with, say, a sandwich or other food item in your hand. Tear off a chunk of the sandwich and stick it in your mouth. Now watch yourself chew. That's it, go ahead! See yourself chewing? Open your mouth as wide as possible. No, that's not wide enough; surely you can open it a little further! Now chew as fast as possible, only slowly, with wide open lips but a closed mouth. Now think of the time you just wasted doing this experiment, and how much more time it would take the Architects to implement similar characteristics in their NPCs! Such time is much spent developing other characteristics of the NPCs, including laziness, fixed facial expressions, and increased bystanderness.
Hopefully, this article helps to explain why NPCs rarely masticate in public! If you have any questions, please address them to Sir Dr. Mr. Sentharn Phoenix, Senior, Jr, III and give the letter to your nearest delivery-dragon. Perhaps I will address your question in a future installment!
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Footnotes
* Here I do not include various forms of ingestion such as drinking, which does not involve chewing, and swallowing food items (such as soda cans, pies, and entire turkeys) whole.
** This disguise is very effective, and I recommend it to anyone who wishes to perform an undercover case study. However, one must attempt to avoid people who wish to discard their uneaten food in a nearby trash receptacle. I must warn you that tomato sauce does not come out of hair easily.
*** For some reason, a great many windows seem to be either completely yellow or completely black. This must be some sort of evil, Dark-Magic glass that blocks all incoming light and amplifies outgoing light.
**** Since I have forgotten what this thing is called, I will henceforth name it the "hirglobalgoganord" and refer to it as such.
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