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Ask Zorbak - The Ezine Edition
By Zorbak
Meh heh heh! Zorbak here, ringing in the New Year with yet another dose of insight and wisdom from everyone's favorite moglin Necromancer. And before one of you tries to make the trite joke... no, I don't mean Kabroz. See, this is just one example of how clever I am... I anticipate and respond to your feeble attempts to taunt me before you even think to try. This is just one of the many reason why I have a monthly E-Zine Column, and you don't.
So, getting back on the subject of the New Year: Lots of people have asked me "Zorbak, what are your New Year's resolutions?" That's an easy one... I don't have any! That's right, no resolutions whatsoever! Why? Because the only people who need New Year's resolutions are people who feel they need to improve themselves. Each year they sit around and make promises to themselves about how they'll become better people in the upcoming year, and every year they fail miserably by the end of January. Why? Because people are flawed. If they weren't flawed, they wouldn't have to make resolutions about fixing themselves. Whereas I, being infallible, have no need for resolutions in the first place. What would be the point of wasting my precious time making resolutions, when it's a well know fact that you can't possibly improve on perfection. I say leave the pathetic resolutions to inferior beings (*cough*Twilly*cough*), and let me concentrate on the truly important matters... like what color rugs will look best in my throne room after I conquer the World!
Anyway, on with this month's question!
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badbad190 asks: dear great and powerful Zorbak, why did you let Twilly on your show in a Zorbak mask?
Badbad, I don't LET Twilly do anything. Not willingly anyway. Unfortunately, there are some things I'm obligated to do, and one of them is put up with that football-headed lummox. IF you learn nothing else from the "Ask Zorbak" column, learn this: ALWAYS read the fine print before you sign the contract!
bernard J M asks: Have you ever met a real vampire?
I've met Safiria... does that count? And even if you say it doesn't, I'll take her over those pale, emaciated, creepy Nosferatu-types any day of the week!
fabolous770 asks: what is the password for the secret shop?
Antidisestablishmentarianism
Internityz asks: Why Are You Evil?
I'm not evil... I'm EBIL! Ebil is much cooler then evil.
morgansa98 asks: Hey Zorbak, what exactly does the name "Zorbak" mean, because it sounds weird in a way.
"Zorbak" is an old Moglin name, passed down in my family for generations. The exact meaning has been lost to the mists of time, but since it's MY name I'm sure it means "He who possesses powers beyond mortal comprehension" or "Master of the Dark Arts" or something similarly foreboding.
Monsterkingh asks: Ebil king Zorbak how can i become your ebil minion?
King Zorbak? I like the sound of that... though perhaps not as much as "Emperor Zorbak" or possibly "Divine Zorbak, Master of All He Surveys." But anyway... the best way to become Zorbak's minion is to meet with an unfortunate "accident" in one of your many battles. You see, I prefer to raise my own minions. Skeletons and zombies are much more loyal then the living, what with that silly "free will" thing and all...
Slope440 asks: Is Twilly your brother?
Thankfully, no. It's bad enough I have to put up with Kabroz...
smeagdelphi asks: I was curious, when the assassin class was coming out because i really want that cool sword the guy is holding. also, you rule zorbak!!!!!!!!!! and thanks to the aq team for a great game that i hope never stops to amaze me. thanks!
Assassin? Why would you want to be an Assassin when you could be a Necromancer? Regardless, I thank you for your kind comments about the game. Naturally, all credit belongs to me. Whereas if you disliked the game, it would be all the fault of everyone else on the AE Team.
deonn asks: how did you get so awesome zorbak?
Some of us are just born lucky. Still, it is amazing that Fate could bestow so much potential for greatness into one Moglin...
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah asks: Zorbak if you have a power that made you switch bodies who would you use it on?
I wouldn't switch my own body with anyone... why would I want to downgrade? Though if I could switch any two OTHER people, I'd switch Warlic and Twig. It would amuse me greatly to see Warlic try to get people to take him seriously in Twig's body, while Twig simultaneously used Warlic's body to accidentally blow up half of Battleon.
Dayton369 asks: Whats the password for the Moglin Punting shop?
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
Supersonic800 asks: Zorbak do you summon the undead to do your work?
I have my Undead Secretary taking dictation and typing up this column as we speak.
CandyAngel090398 asks: Oh great Zorbak: ebil necromancer and handsome devil. Please tell me: What is the meaning of life?
The meaning of your life is obviously to bow down and serve Zorbak in any way he requires.
Shadow asks: Do you own a zorback plush toy my liege? lol I do!
Of course I own a Zorbak plush toy. Everyone should own a Zorbak plush toy. In fact, they should own SEVERAL Zorbak plush toys. Not to mention Zorbak mugs, Zorbak T-Shirts, Zorbak hats, and anything else they see fit to put my face on!
lilromeodude asks: why do you always wear a cape and carry a staff?
You would prefer I walk around naked and unarmed? What do you think I am, some kind of nudist pervert?
Nikolas Lunwah Jen asks: What is your favorite manga?
I like Kiwi-Manga myself. Especially when the manga is nice and ripe and juicy and... oh, wait. you said MANGA, not mango. Never mind...
Torhu98 asks: Since you're a necromancer, do you think that artix wants to slay you?
Of course not. If Artix slays me, there will be no one left to raise the Undead he so dearly loves to fight. And then he'd be unemployed, and forced to sit on the corner with a sign that said "Will Battle Undead for Food." Meh heh heh... it'd almost be worth dying to see that!
Warman2341 asks: Dear Zorbak, Why did you let your brother control you into making the Fundead War?
I was just humoring him. Kabroz gets all moody and depressed when he thinks people are ignoring him... so every once in awhile I go along with one of his silly schemes so he can pretend he's relevant.
Fire Foce21 asks: Who taught you how to be a necromancer?
No one. My talent is innate.. I was born with it. Those fools at the Necropolis CLAIM they tried to teach me until I failed out, but the TRUTH is that I left voluntarily because they were so far beneath me.
Rockermayhem asks: where did you came from in the first place?
Rumor has it the Undead Stork brought me...
legge001 asks: Zorbak, o destroyer of worlds, slayer of paladins, great moglin punter etc. what is the point of the morality compass? whatever i do i seem to be staying either in the center or in the good! what am i doing wrong?
Are you doing something wrong? Frankly, if you're stuck in the good, you're obviously not doing enough things wrong! Try kickign a few puppies. Or perhaps you know a small child you could be stealing candy from...
dayinchoy asks: Hey, what's up with the scar on your eye? Is it that once your brother made it or Twilly?
I was trying to impress my darling Mu Glen. Everyone knows that chicks dig guys with scars.
hoanghaipro asks: What is the password of the Secret Level of Moglin Punting game in EbilGames.com?
Lopadotemachoselachogaleokranioleipsanodrimhypotrimmatosilphioparaomelitokatakechymenokichlepikossyphophattoperisteralektryonoptekephalliokigklopeleiolagoiosiraiobaphetraganopterygon
And finally, googlespit asks: do you realize that you are not real and are just the collective thoughts of a human being that exists in our world that is probably not ebil in any way and could press a couple buttons and delete you from existence?
That's a very existential question. Quantum mechanics would tell you that the fact that enough people believe in me is enough to will me into existence. Or, more simply, I could always just say "I think, therefore I am." However you look at it... I have a successful career in video games, a popular E-zine column, branded merchandise, and millions of adoring fans to prove MY existence... I bet you can't do half as well to prove yours!
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As a final note, many of you keep sending me messages asking me about recovering or unlocking your accounts in the various Artix Entertainment games. Some of you have even gone as far as to send me your account names and passwords to help with the process (This is BAD! Never give your password out to ANYONE! Even me!). As much as I'd like to assist each and every one of you so that you'd be permanently in my debt, I don't have the access required to fix game accounts (Artix isn't nearly foolish enough to allow me within sniffing distance of the servers... and besides, he still blames me for those first several crashes during the AQWorlds launch). If you have account problems such as lost or disabled accounts, you need to use Account Help pages to contact the people who can assist you.
For AdventureQuest: http://www.battleon.com/help/aq-accounts.asp
For DragonFable: http://www.dragonfable.com/help/df-accounts.asp
For MechQuest: http://www.mechquest.com/help/mq-accounts.asp
For AQWorlds: http://www.aqworlds.com/help/aw-accounts.asp
There. Never let it be said that Zorbak is not looking out for you. Until next time, keep those letters coming to Zorbak@battleon.com. Who knows... you too may someday be chosen to benefit from my everlasting font of knowledge.
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