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Conspiracy Corner: Twilly
By Cow Face
Based on a suggestion by Red Blood.
Picture this: You are in a war, fighting off minions of Evil/Good/Whatever happens to cross your path. First, a level 100 Lightbringer materializes in front of you. Equipping your Wizard Robes, you alternate casting Divine Magic and Darksplatter, wearing down her health. Finally, you equip your Big 100K, and deliver the coup de grace. By this time, your health has been worn down a bit. Next, Nightbane comes to face you; putting on your Shadow Cloak and Shadowbones, you dispatch him. A bit weary and battered, you prepare to face your next enemy. Up ahead, you see something in the distance. You raise your sword/bow/oversized twig, and...
"Hiyas! Need healing?" Ah, it's only Twilly, that friendly little Moglin, here to heal you.
...What!? How on Lore did he get there? Here you were, hacking away through hordes of monsters, only to find that somehow, someway, Twilly just magically teleported to the other end. Perhaps Warlic helped? No, then he could just as easily have transported you. Maybe someone used a catapult? But that would be a waste; again, they could just fling their whole army over. I am afraid that there is only one explanation for it: Twilly is evil!
I think that I may be able to predict the reaction my readers will have upon hearing this. Some will say, "Pshaw, Kabroz is evil, Zorbak is ebil. Twilly's just a wannabe," then fling down- or close the window of- this article in derision. Others might proclaim, "Yes! I knew it!" and then proceed to play Moglin Punter for twenty hours straight. (These same readers will possibly then adjust their tinfoil hats.) Many will cry, "Twilly? No, you have gone too far this time!" take up arms, and attempt to barbecue me. Finally, the majority is likely to say, "Meh," and keep reading. It is for these eloquent readers that I continue. Most evidence would prove that Twilly is a force of good; for instance, he sometimes squares off against Zorbak and Kabroz. But, as a favored T-Shirt of mine states, "In the fight for logic, I fight unarmed." This same antipathy toward research tells me that I am correct, and must therefore educate the masses.
What menace lies beneath that fuzzy, huggable exterior? What sinister mind waits between those large, partially-eaten ears? How many adventurers has Twilly "bumped off" with that stick? Is that lettuce in my teeth? Most of all, how did Twilly get where I am without fighting? These are but a few of the many questions that plague my mind. There are some truths apparent. 1) Twilly, as proven by his low damage, would not be a formidable adversary. 2) Still, he can heal an unknown amount of times. 3) Monsters apparently leave him alone. 4) No, that's a bit of shrubbery in my teeth. Each and every one of these statements is a key factor in finding out the truth behind this dastardly Moglin. ...Almost all, at any rate.
In addition to the Dragon Mafia, there are many other organized monster groups on Lore. For instance, the little-known S.O.A.P., or "Society for Only Awesome People," formed mainly to stroke egos. Or the dreaded Z.A.R.D., "Zombies Are Really Dumb," founded by skeletons and other undead. However, the most devious of all is the Monsters Organizing to Gobble Little Newbs. This group seemed to disappear many centuries ago, moved to the shadows by years of inactivity. While the members were fierce, they were few, and the limelight was taken over by the more populous beasts. Still, some remnants remain, though most are not as hardened as the elite soldiers of old. In times past, they were known as the Army of MOGLNs. As they were all one species, they soon became known as Moglns, changed to Moglins for grammatical correctness. Even though they are vicious creatures, they do care about grammar.
This army- though now it is but a gang- soon formed pacts with other armies of monsters. Since most were skilled healers as well as warriors- some believe they taught Paladins what they know- they would provide medical care at little-to-no cost. In return, the others would avoid stomping on them, an occurrence frequent due to the Moglins' small size. Unfortunately for the Moglins, the pact was not important for long; infighting and discontent destroyed the MOGLNs from the inside. It seemed as though the MOGLN gang was doomed to fade into the annals of time.
Then came Twilly.
Realizing that though the royalties for healing were great (see "The Hard Truths of Mogloween" by Circe, Issue 35), they didn't afford too many luxuries, a young entrepreneur known as Twilly decided to study some history. He discovered the past exploits of the MOGLN society. Deciding that this had some value, he found the heads of every discontented-by-Lorians species on Lore (a task made easier by his contact Twig, standing near the teleporter in the Guardian Tower). Bringing up the old, long-forgotten pact that the MOGLNS and others had forged, he soon struck deals with all of them. He had become a double-agent, pretending to work for the Lorians- at a greatly increased rate- while healing the monsters in secret. This also explains the seemingly endless amount of things to battle during a war; they are getting healed as well!
Stop Twilly. Stop the madness. (Please.)
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