Argeus the Paladin
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First of all, my commendations for sticking up for your work for so long without faltering. All in all, you've got 17 chapters written within less than a year in spite of the massive lack in readers. This is no mean feat, knowing how badly I take the "nobody reads my work, BAWWW" notion.
I've read up the first two chapters. While there aren't much to be commented about your general technique, as most is fine as is, there are still other things I should mention.
1) Your fight scene. I've seen you are a writer of much action. You intricately describe fights, movements, maneuvers, slashes, stabs, blows and strikes, but you are a little too absorbed in it. This means lack of balance. The fight goes on for more than ten A4 pages, in long paragraphs that, as Crimz suggested, could have been better split into multiple. This makes for a dynamic feel, but it can get tiring when it drags on for too long.
For instance, the first chapter's fight scene was more or less "Each of the fighters duke it out against the vampire using their specialties and get slaughtered all the way." When a fight scene with only that much summarizable significance goes on for that long, it starts to bore the reader out. However magnificence our prose, however awesome your description, it would most likely be wasted if the audience ever yawn out, thinking "man, when will this end?" You see where I am coming from?
2) There are some contrivations in the chapters I have read.
- First of all, John's attitude in the last part of the first chapter is somewhat unrealistic. His siter has just been finished off, the one he called "the most important in his life," and, not only did not rejoin the fight quickly, also had the nerve to pull out this gem:
quote:
They circled each other. Both of them were daring the other to attack. John watched them for a bit before taking a step forward.
“Look, this whole ‘honorable duel’ thing, or whatever, is really getting on my nerves. I’m joining this battle.”
That is the sort of remark some outsider would have, not the leader of the pack who just had his sister offed. If it were me, I would have charged the vampire at the very split second after I realize Krystal's demise.
- Secondly, the reason why Mike attacked Serenade was never explained. She wasn't even someone important at that time, she wasn't some nobles, a Whispered, Newtype, Esper, Time Traveler, Data Entity, Diclonius, Coordinator, Mew Mew or whatsoever "special" being there are. He just said he wanted to kill her and had gone to great length to. And he wasn't even a vampire, if I read it correctly. This is more contrived than it sound, unless you give the needed justification.
3) The last thing, which is also what bugs me the most. You write this as a DF fanfiction. This is, please forgive me for being frank, a waste of talent. I know you are writing this because, like me, you enjoy writing. But please think this way - half of a writer's joy is from having others read his work, so that they would be immersed in the world he has envisioned, has molded with his wild imagination and writing hand, and has cherished as though it was his own flesh and blood child. Few would read a fanfiction seriously, even fewer would truly appreciate the time and effort a fanfic writer placed in his work. For a less-known fandom like our own, the odds are even less favorable.
Have you ever considered writing something original? Original fiction, using a setting you know well, like standard/urban fantasy, or a merge of both of them, so that you no longer have to worry about keeping the borrowed characters "in-character" because simply they aren't borrowed in the first place, so that you can create the laws of the world as you like to fit your plot, without fearing of conflicting with canon, so that your imagination can truly roam free without any restriction?
And that is not to mention there is always an opportunity to publish an original fiction, so that the whole world, not just this limited forum, would know about it and immerse in your work.
That being said, I'm following this story of yours and will try to give you what comments you need.
But, please consider what I say for serious. Yours is a talent that wouldn't do well to waste on fanfiction.
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