Maegwyn
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You Spark My Capacitors
By Rimblade
Well, spring isn't exactly in the air.
Outside, the snow is falling, the wind is blowing, and I'm pretty sure that the snowman I built went south for the rest of the winter. That's just how cold it is. The snowflakes are decked out in scarves and mittens, and I don't even want to know if those are really icicles on the sun. As the song goes 'Please, please, please, make it stop snowing'.
Yet, as we draw further into February, there's one place that is always warm- our hearts.* Hero's Heart Day approaches, and even the most dour creatures of LORE warm up to one another, preparing for the deadly onsla- er, joyful prevalence of love.** Let the drummers drum, the pipers play, and Big Daddy returns with his colorful and vaguely disturbing heart-filled forest and amazingly stylish hat. Snugglefest is surely the greatest of all holidays!
As I extolled the virtues of Snugglefest and love in general to my pet dragon (who I think was in agreement with me, though the way he was hiding his head under his wings and screaming made it difficult to determine), I came across a bit of a question; do only humans celebrate Hero's Heart Day?
This question was somewhat more troubling to answer than I might have imagined. The most obvious people to investigate first would have been the Drakel- but, sadly, some differences in opinion over an engineering problem which I expressed to them some years back*** meant that I would need to forgo that path. My dragon suggested that I speak with the Elves on that topic, but I'm afraid that they're not speaking with me either.**** This left me with only one real place to begin- the zards.*****
I lived in isolation for weeks, studying the ways of the Zards until they finally accepted me (and stopped leaping onto my head in an attempt to eat me). From this experience, I have come to conclude that the Zards do indeed feel a stirring within their hearts as Snugglefest approaches. Daily, they seemed closer and more understanding as a community, and on the twenty-seventh day of my research, I witnessed this touching scene:
Zard: Ribarg
OtherZard:Ribarg
(The two moved closer together, each gazing deep into the other's eyes)
Zard: Ribarg?
OtherZard: Ribarg!
(Closer yet- you could FEEL the chemistry between these two!)
Zard: Ribarg!
OtherZard: RibAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHH.
Adventurer: Whoa, this one had twenty Z-tokens! WOOT!
Well, needless to say, that little incursion marked the end of my enlightening stay with the zards. Still, I feel that this indicates a trend towards love on Hero's Heart Day for all of those wild creatures- after all, if Zards are touched by such emotion, wouldn't all other creatures be even more so (See the much-overlooked report, 'Zards- The Perfect Killing Machines', which is unfairly maligned in scientific circles). Still I had questions, and those could only be solved by a quick trip through time and space (See the foolishly mocked work 'How Meddling With the Fabric of Being can Help you Lose Weight').
Soluna City- You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, and also bargains. My mission here was clear; I needed to discover if robots loved. To answer this question, I decided to turn to the automated practice poles in the weapons classroom at the Academy. The students and masters watched in awe as I was repeatedly thrown across the room by the robotic pole, shouting things like 'Do you feel any change in your- arrrgh!- circuitry? Perhaps a particular attra-OH ELEMENTAL LORDS WHY-ction to someo-H NO PLEEEASE!'
The unenlightened, who do not realize that true science always entails suffering, may think my exotic methods extreme- but my results were irrefutable. After about forty minutes of this painful study, my pleas came through. As I prepared for the pole to beat me once more, it stopped, resting upon my shoulder- the most wonderful and touching gesture which a mobile stick can accomplish. I admit it- it was so wonderful that I cried (and continued to cry for the next two hours of care in the Soluna Hospital).
On my way out, I noticed that someone had carelessly turned the robots off, so I reactivated them. I don't know why they pay such airhead instructors.
My next mission was even more difficult: I needed to find out if the largest and most powerful creatures in Lorian History (the ones who were not robots, mind) went gaga on Snugglefest. To this end, I gathered up my pet dragon (the sweet little dear was so happy to see me that he started crying) and went off in search of the most massive of beasts, so that I could recklessly endanger my life in the name of science.
Well, the most obvious creature to study was the largely-mindless entity known as the 'Guardian Dragon'. As I suspected, while I dodged massive blasts on my mighty steed's back (Please don't tell my dragon I called him a steed. I get enough flak for making him bright blue and yellow), the creature did nothing but spout strange words at me. Here is a partial account of this strange encounter:
Me: "Come on, Lord Flibble! (The name of my dragon. Speaking it always makes him glare balefully at me with devotion) Let's beat some love into him!"
Dragon: "Hey, I know! Next time, how about I ride YOU? Hey, what a cool idea!"
Guardian Dragon: "You summoned me for a (Targetname)? Hrrmph."
Me: "What? Why did he say that?"
Guardian Dragon: "I'mma chargin' mah fire breath!"
Me: "...huh?"
Dragon: "Why do we keep dodging? Can't I attack yet?"
Me: "NO! We must wear it down until it shows us love!"
Guardian Dragon: "I need to teach YOU how to do this so you can stop summoning me!"
Dragon: "I think perhaps your reasoning is clouded by the fact that I am the one taking all the fire breath!"
Guardian Dragon: "For Fiery Death, touch rune 1."
Me: "Wait! I think we're getting through to it!"
Guardian Dragon: "Why do I always have to have the humorous catch phrases? Why can't YOU say something once in a while?"
Me: "We're getting through! It's willing to talk about us, and not just itself!"
Guardian Dragon: "Just remember who needs who in this relationship."
Me: "Aha, I knew it! They said I was crazy, but I knew!"
Dragon: "You know what? I QUIT. You two can have a breakthrough on your own!"
...well, I should have known that my pet wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and I only wish I had seen it before it destabilized the bond I have with the Guardian Dragon (who subsequently vaporized me with his mighty fire). On the other hand, I think those last few lines speak for themselves as to the effect which the season has on even the largest and most mindless creatures. Even titanic beasts are not immune to the ravishing arrows of love!
In any event, I write this now as I preform my last test. Standing on the hill in this graveyard, I can see the undead approaching from all sides, and I know that I need to stand firm and be there for them. After all, even the shriveled and lifeless organs within a zombie's chest are not immune to love... or so I shall soon prove! Even now, they come closer and closer. This is a time for silence.
Look! This zombie holds out his arms, ready to hug me! I knew I was right!
All around me, the undead prepare to give me a great big snuggle, and I can see the vampires land, ready to administer big wet kisses!
Hrm. I didn't anticipate how strong these hugs would...
(This manuscript was recovered outside of Granemor several days ago. No sign of the author has been discovered, and in light of recent evidence (See: 'Why Lorian Investigators are Needless and should be Fired', by Dr. Rimblade) the investigative team has unanimously decided that there is no point in looking for him.)
~~~~~~~~~
*If you find that this statement is not applicable, please get to a hospital. Right now.
**NB: After speaking with Kabroz at some length, I am forced to exclude him from such broad statements. I believe his precise words were 'or else'.
***See 'The Exploding Tower of Pyzza' Incident. Note that, in this author's opinion, the figure of three thousand injured is a clear exaggeration.
****See the treatise, 'Why the elven forests are incidentally perfect for logging and arms testing', which this author feels has been seriously misunderstood.
*****They WERE speaking with me, though they were only saying 'Ribarg'.
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