Recar Dragonlance
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Okay, I got the day off school again because the UK can't cope with snow. So, I'm hopefully going to write everything I wrote yesterday before I got out and play in the snow :D
Prologue
An author named Holly Lisle said in a podcast I listened to the other day that she doesn't like prologues. The reason she doesn't like them is because they are normally only used to give a backstory to the story. This releases some of the tension in the story. So instead of that, you could start in the middle of the action (as you have done with Chapter 1) and slowly reveal the facts as you go along. Read what she has to say, she's published 30 books and can articulate advice better than I can ---> www.hollylisle.com. I'm not saying yours definately applies, just ask if you are giving away too much information. When you read a fantasy book, part of the excitement about it is that you want to find out about the world. Manipulating that is the key to writing.
Chapter 1
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Millions of raindrops poured from the heavens, sharing the grief of Arkanthor’s loss.
Not really sharing, it's more mimicking. Unless of course he's controlling the heavens...
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If not for his mask, one would have seen the sky in his eyes. Like rain, tears fell from it.
For the bold bit, does that mean he's looking at the sky? Or are you comparing his eyes to the sky... because unless they changed colour (like the angels in the Deepgate Codex) then I wouldn't recommend this metaphor. For the underlined bit, if you aren't comparing his eyes to the sky, what you are saying here is that rain falls from his eyes as well as tears. Also, since you are referring to his eyes, than "it" needs to be "them". Unless you are talking about his mask. So the sentence should go something like this "Like rain from the heavens, tears fell from them."
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His hair swayed with the unstable wind.
Unless the wind is particularly gentle, then it's never stable.
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for he believed the society wouldn't accept him because of his futile race.
that
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The rain adhered his strands of yellow-silver hair together.
I have to admit I had to dictionary.com that word. But nevertheless, you are using very flowery words and techniques in your description thus far. Adhered is a very ugly word and I wouldn't recommend using it as it seems very out-of-place, and is kinda awkward in that sentence anyway.
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The rain weakened a bit; droplets of silver water continued to bounce off his armor.
Silver rain!?
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Perhaps a symbol of affiliation
Don't suggest anything. Either say it is, or take it out. If you are trying to draw attention to that part of his armour for future reference, then don't do it as the narrator do it as a character.
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Pride could have harbored his heart, but he couldn’t accept it.
Okay I'm not too sure about this one, but "harboured in his heart"? Excuse the spelling of harboured >.>
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But for a reason he could not explain, a sensation which he himself could not decipher, he believed he felt that something was wrong.
The bolded part I added in. The reason I took out that part of the sentence is because you could say what you wanted in a few words. Most people can't decipher a feeling of wrongness. Also, you are saying a lot to mean a little.
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This sensation, however, can be related in a sense to a nostalgic experience.
In a sense is unneeded. It makes you seem like you're unsure about what you're saying, so taking it out would only benefit your sentence since if you're unsure about what you're saying, then the reader will definately be unsure about what you're saying. I bolded nostalgic because I felt it was an unnessacary word. A simple "past" I think would be better, since people don't really say "nostalgic experience".
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The earth swallowed a fourth of the two-handed sword.
A quarter (do you use quarter's and that? My mind's gone blank and can't remember any TV shows where they do >.>. If you do than that's just a style issue you don't really have to change it. It's just when telling a story sometimes using the traditional language of the reader is better.)
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Behind this man, rested the corpse of the creature from where the mischief had started.
Creatures don't cause mischief, they cause trouble or havok. Even trouble's a bit of a soft word.
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“Don’t worry,” a young man of fair complexion and brown hair caressed.
He caressed? Voices and objects can caress but speech can't. Unless I'm misunderstanding something :S
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His hand caught the boy by the neck, securing him in place while his other hand aimed a short sword at his neck.
You said dagger earlier.
OKAY, my friend has turned up at my door I'll add the rest when I return. Sorry for the bluntness I've just gotten up :S
Right, I'm back and my fingers are falling off. Let's see if I can finish it now...
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“In terms of damage what? Not much because this was just a Human town?!”
That makes no sense. Even if it is speech, it would be best to change it. "Not much damage? Not much because this was just a Human town?!" something like that.
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“That’s not true!” The silver Myrmidon’s words struck like an assassin’s
I don't think he would shout that, that phrase is either used by young people (below ten) or by people in extreme situations (a man being told something life-changing in the heat of battle or something). I think that maybe a more authoratative statement telling him to be silent, or something subtley threatning which would make him know his place. He is a powerful, respected warrior afterall.
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Princess Katrina could be described as a girl with fair skin, long
Replace with "was". It's passive tense -- not saying what you mean properly.
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this time attracting a glimpse that exposed the golden mask under the prison of her fingers.
Prison makes it seem too mellowdramatic for what's actually happened.
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Katrina could not recognize the man’s face, but seeing the absence of the divine glow in his eyes made her conclude that he was not a Divinus.
If Katrina couldn't recognise the man's face, then why does she automatically know who he is when she speaks? Also, that's saying a lot to mean a little. You can say that in a few words "Katrina could not recognise the man's face, though she definately noticed the absence of the divine glow." Well, something better than that my brain's refusing to co-operate.
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“It’s alright,” she said. “But I was going to say that,
There's actually nothing wrong with this. I just prefer it as "all right", and think you should use that version because she's a princess.
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Her statement motivated Alexander to formulate a response. “Climbing the wall between the two
If he says something straight after she'd said something, then it's completely clear that her responce motivated his. So this is unneeded.
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But before he could allow her to satisfy him, he had to satisfy his curiosity.
Read that line again... First time I read itaughed out loud. Perhaps change the wording a bit.
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you would be just here sitting down and wondering
would just be here
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His tone was accompanied by slight laughter, marking the statement with humor.
Definately dont need that in there since it's clear from the dialogue it was marked with humour.
This is good, you've improved so much. I like the story and am interested to see where it's going, which is always a plus. I'm sorry if I was a bit blunt and horrible, my brain has just gone "YOU WILL WRITE YOUR C&C LIKE THIS AND YOU WILL LIKE IT." But here you go, my mega-nitpicky C&C. Take from it what you will.
< Message edited by Recar Dragonlance -- 1/7/2010 11:51:15 >
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