Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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A Necromancer's Guide to Applied Morality
You know, as I perused the list of Zardia... excuse me, ZORBAKIAN submissions this month, I was dismayed to see an article about a Necromancer's take on morality. Why, you might ask? Because I was not consulted!
I realize there are many out there who call themselves Necromancers. I even understand that there is a whole school devoted to their education in the Dark Arts, and even a trainer willing to assist them in advancing their skills once they graduate. And you know, I think that's really cute. It reminds me of my youth, when all the little moglins in our village would run around playing Healer and pretending to cure their stuffed animals of various imagined ailments. But if you're looking for TRUE necromantic knowledge, you need to go right to the source and ask someone who has devoted his life to the study of Necromancy. Someone who chose to forsake frivolous childhood games and focus on advancing his arcane knowledge. Someone who chose to leave the idiotic Necropolis because it was too much of a party school (and was definitely NOT expelled for a minor accident involving the school mascot, the Dean's favorite cauldron, and just a little too much powdered newt...). Someone who, to sum it up, has more Necromantic power and knowledge in his furry little finger then most so-called Necromancers have in their entire bodies...
Hey, I heard that! No, I DON'T mean Kabroz! You in the back... keep it down; you're not as funny as you think you are!
Anyway, after some much-deserved editing, I present you with a revised Necromancer's Guide To Morality as written by Zorbak, Master of Necromancy!
1. Is it morally justifiable to tear the bones of the blessed dead from their places of rest?
This is just silly. Why would I tear the bones of the dead from their graves? That's REPULSIVE! I mean, all that extra work to dig up all those graves... not to mention the laundry bills from constantly dry-cleaning my cloak. And have you ever tried to get dried-up, caked-in mud out of fur? I'd be spending all my time in the bathtub instead of leading my Undead legions against those Paladin fools. REAL necromancers know that the secret is to lurk at the outskirts of the battlefield and re-animate the bodies of the fallen immediately, before they can be properly interred.
2. Can I imbue my creature with the trapped soul of his former life and bind him in the chains of servitude to my darkness, or is that a no-no?
A No-no? Please... prolonging the suffering of my victims by trapping their souls in their re-animated bodies and forcing them to do my will is one of the perks of this job!
3. Is it okay for me to build a cathedral of darkness from the shattered bones of my foes?
A Cathedral of Darkness made from bone? Are you nuts? Bone is a TERRIBLE insulator... do you know how much it would cost to heat this Cathedral in those long Darkovia winters? You'd be just throwing money away.... Personally, I recommend the much more economically sound "Throne of Bone" option. Sure it's cliche, but it looks really cool! And it's a great place to sit while you sip nectar from a goblet fashioned from the skulls of your enemies, which is something I also endorse.
4. One word: Zombie-Kittens?
That's technically two words. And while I do fully support the cruel irony of turning something cute and fuzzy into an undead horror, kittens aren't worth the effort.
5. What can I wear?
I recommend a stylish cloak, preferably bluish-grey, with a slightly tattered look (battle damage impresses the babes). Those of you who aren't covered in fur may also wish to consider pants.
6. Now, I know that we're allowed to learn many interesting languages, such as Greater Demonic and Even Greater Demonic...
Demonic? Don't make me laugh! You can probably speak Demonic accidentally merely by clearing your throat a bit too loudly in public...
6.5 ...but can we speak in 1337?
No. But you CAN speak Pig Latin.
6.75 Okay, how about all caps? Drakath did that, and...
And look how well that worked out for him...
6.875 Please?
Ix-nay on the aps-cay.
7. So the end of life is approaching, and I'm considering my retirement plans. What are the pros and cons to becoming an undead lich of terrible might?
What is it with you people and lichdom? I have never understood the fascination with putting your soul into a teeny-tiny little jar in the hopes of living forever. Heroes are constantly breaking into evil Lich fortresses and smashing anything that even REMOTELY resembles a phylactery... and that's assuming the maid doesn't knock it off the shelf first during her weekly cleaning. No, I recommend keeping your soul safely in your body where it belongs, and focus instead on mastering the forces of Death itself to prolong your life.
8. Why is necromancy always green? Why can it be some other color, perhaps a nice cyan, or mauve?
I prefer to think that the true color of Necromancy is Blue...
9. You know, I don't think this is very unbiased at all. You seem to be supporting the idea that readers should become necromancers and destroy things!
That's not true. I support ME being a Necromancer and destroying things. I support my readers becoming my Undead minions and serving my every whim for all of eternity.
9.5. Now wait, you haven't justified the obvious bias you've displayed toward-
And what's with accusing me of bias, anyway? We all know the only REAL bias around here is the prevailing anti-Zorbak bias.
9.65. But I...
Want to offer to enlist in Zorbak's Legions of the Undead? Sure! All you need to do is tell Death "No thanks!" next time you see him after you fall in battle, and we'll take it from there...
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