Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Cats' Meow: Conversation while watching HitchHiker's Guide
By Eukara
*This conversation was recorded the other evening using a super-secret device that is in the midst of government testing. This evening was one of the final phases of testing, as you have already been privileged to witness previous testings in other issues.
We found a babelfish... don't tell anyone.*
"Oooh! Deuteronomy, Eukara left her movie in the DVD player. What do you think, should we look into this? If it is the same one she was watching earlier, it should be a good one."
"I don't know, Casper. What if it is one of those Disney movies? I have no interest in watching one of their movies."
"Awww, still having hard feelings over one of those movies, are we? You can't hold an entire company in contempt because of one movie."
"Did you actually use the word contempt, and in the right context here?"
"Anyway... Seriously Deuteronomy, just because one of the movies pokes fun at your kind doesn't mean you have to be so RAWR about stuff."
"I find their movies to be lacking in intellectual stimulation."
"Liar" *ahem* "WE ARE SIAMESE IF YOU PLEASE. RWeeeoooow! WE ARE SIAMESE, IF YOU DON'T PLEASE. RWeeeoooow! ba dum bum bum..."
"How dare you mock me, you officious ball of immature fur!"
"Ahhh HA! You are judging them all by that movie!"
"Siamese cats are a cultured, dignified race of felines. Disney made a mockery of my kind and portrayed us as annoying, manipulative beasts! That is not remotely--"
"Oh enough already, sheesh. Have you ever heard yourself in the morning? You could wake up the entire neighborhood with that yowl. Even when you are talking, you are overly obnoxious, your volume is so high. I swear, you should be Dima's sleepmate, not Noah's. Then you and Dima could have fights over who is loudest when merely talking!"
"Well, I never--"
"--heard of volume control and politeness at 6:30 am when Eukara and He are just waking up? Yes, your silence is golden. Now that you are duly quiet, perhaps I can get in some flick time."
". . ."
"Here we go. Hmmm, HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Well, that sounds interesting."
"About as interesting as those books that Eukara insists on reading. What kind of higher intelligent creature reads stuff like that? Fantasy, science fiction, space ships and dragons... Sounds like a lot of rubbish if you ask me. No real value there, no stimulation of the brain and certainly nothing of teaching value in those books."
"Shut your maw, Deuteronomy, before I help you shut it."
". . . Interesting how you illustrate perfectly my contempt for those books."
"I am dead serious, Deuteronomy. Once I push play, you better behave!"
"Fine by me, at least I won't be forced to commentate on such low standards of entertainment. Ow! That was uncalled for."
"Oh! Dolphins! Haha, Dolphins are more intelligent than Man! Dolphins are second, Man is third, and of course we all know cats are number one"
"Thank Bastet, we finally agree on something."
"Ohhh, that is a good line! 'So long and thanks for the fish.' Hmmm, this makes dolphins look like total users... not to mention this fixation with fish. If you ask me, that seems to be more of an addiction than anything else."
"Oh look, the dolphins show great intelligence - they are leaving this forsaken planet."
"Why must humans lay in front of large dangerous objects to make a point? Don't they know big machines don't care?"
"Look at that. Now that is a good example of humanity and he isn't even one; trying to communicate with cars as the dominant lifeforms."
"Awww, poor guy. His house is gone."
"I think that is the least of his worries. Wow, those are some ugly beings."
"Oi! Did you see that? Snuffed out so quietly. Not even a spectacular explosion!"
"Perhaps these guys are ugly, but they have some class regarding pristine demolition."
"I don't know about you, but if a book had 'DON'T PANIC' on the cover, that would make me want to panic. Wait... Survival equals knowing where your towel is?"
"Now there is a prime example why you should never, ever try to pull the wool over the eyes of someone who holds your life in the balance. I think with a little editing, that poetry would be exactly what Arthur feebly tried to describe it as."
"Hah, it's supposed to be 'Resistence is futile' not 'Resistence is useless'. They totally butchered that phrase!"
"Just as I suspected, you do read all that stuff Eukara does. That does explain much, you know."
"So, you are telling me that you think Eukara is not very smart? I think you had better rethink that stance."
"I never! Do not put words in my mouth, youngster. I never said that!"
"You insinuated it! Hah, big word time."
"I did not. You take that back!"
"Oh look, they turned into sofas. That has to feel weird. Oooh, look that girl looks familiar... ewww, who dressed him. Certainly not his momma."
"Seems to me that there are several people in Real Life that dress like that."
"Well, lookie there, Deuteronomy. I think I found someone you can hold a conversation with. It's your soul mate! Marvin, the depressed robot. I can see you two having wonderful conversations."
"Ah ha ha ha, you are a riot."
"Woah! Did you see that? Here let me go back a little. Right... There! That guy has two heads! That was so weird. And you know, usually, the heads are together on a person's shoulders. But one of his is under the other and the main one pops backwards to let the other talk. Freaky!"
"I can feel myself lose brain cells watching this. Why can't these kinds of movies be entertaining and stimulating?"
"MICE!"
"Oh dear goddess, Casper, they are on the screen. You can't catch them. If you don't come back here now, I will turn off this movie!"
"Fine, fine. You are such a bum. Oh look, they are watching a movie now! How funny, we are watching a movie watching a movie."
"Yes, quite entertaining."
"The Answer? Why does everyone think they need to know The Answer? Why can't people just be happy living life? And to ask a computer for The Answer to something that can only be lived by someone like us... that is stupid."
"Perhaps if humans think they know the answer, it will make their lives fulfilled."
"Well, if that's the case... let's lock them up with some catnip and jingle balls. The Answer is fun, happiness and freedom."
"Actually, according to this movie, The Answer is 42."
"42! What kind of stupid answer is that?"
"I don't know. You are the one that wanted to watch this not me..."
"Now wait a minute, now to know The Answer, they have to know The Question? This is messed up. Cyber jump... OH MY GODDESS BASTET! They are made out of yarn!!!!"
"Oh here we go..."
"This is so unfair. You can't have things made out of yarn thrown all over the screen."
"Oh just watch the movie. See, it's all gone now."
"Oh good, crisis gone. Now that is freaky. Check out his eyes! They aren't there and, oh wow, he has no lower body. Where are his legs, Deuteronomy, where are his legs?!"
"Well, seems there is more intelligence in this movie. Thank goodness someone removed that head."
"Yeah, I bet that is the best part of him too. Now they are doomed."
"They were doomed from the start with him in control. Oh now look, how predictable, they have been found. Oh and now the big ugly creatures are shooting at everyone without asking question. So cliche."
"No thank you, Deuternomy. I am not in the mood to make a sweater. That would be very hard to do without human hands anyway."
"Not crochet, you idiot feline, cliche! This kind of stuff always happens. Oh well, at least something in this movie isn't predictable, the mice are taking over the ship. Not my preference, as a cat would manage it much better, but better than those people. Now watch and learn Casper. Now someone will be taken hostage, and the others will feel compelled to rescue said captured person. All the while, they will have to do something annoying and then arrive just in the nick of time to save the captured person from a gruesome death."
"Wow... How did you do that? That was amazing, I mean, how did you know that?"
"How did I... how did... This is ridiculous. Every science fiction book contains that basic storyline at least once within its pages. Oh for heaven's sake, just watch the movie."
"Hmmm, there are those mice again. But, I don't know Deuteronomy, I am beginning to be a bit suspicious about them. I mean, they activated that button while everyone wasn't looking. And now there is a whale falling from the sky. Ooo, ouch, that had to hurt."
"Well, at least they can land on that planet. That means the movie is almost over."
"I am beginning to think that they are all insane. I mean, they are jumping into a tunnel of flying razorblades. Oh, well, everyone except Arthur. Poor guy, and all he has for company is Marvin, who sounds more and more like you."
"Don't worry, someone will save him... oh look, there he is, the guy who will save him. And now, this saviour will take Arthur on a journey that will open his eyes and answer everything."
"Earth was made by a construction company? That is so wrong. Yet, kinda cool at the same time."
"You do realize that this is a movie, and not the truth, right?"
"Psh, of course I do. Oh, this is convenient, Deuteronomy. They had a back up earth. Everything will be okay now."
"Of course, a backup. How not predictable."
"Noooo! That is so wrong on so many levels. My world is now a lump of nothingness served on a plate of horror. Why, in all that is holy, would Bastet allow Mice to be the most intelligent creatures on Earth. Why?"
*to himself* "I do believe you have lost all ability to determine reality from fiction."
"This can't be true. The horror, Deuteronomy, the horror of it all. Catnip will hold no joy for me anymore. Rodents, who would have imagined?"
"Pull yourself together, Casper. My goddess, can you not for one moment take a deep breath and realize that you are watching a MOVIE!" *smacks a few times* "It's a movie, not real. We are still the most intelligent and desirable creatures on this planet. We still rule the lands and the house... and in some places the rivers too. Get a grip. Yeeeeeow, not that kind of grip, you dolt!"
"They are painting the mountains, blowing air into the ground to make mushrooms come up. Oh no, the ugly ones are back. And they have guns. Just when the world is rebuilt, they are going to ruin everything."
"Casper, your drama is going to kill me. Look, you. It will work out. See, the unsuspecting hero emerges."
"Marvin?"
"I would assume so. Would you expect him? Didn't think so. Oh and he has that gun that makes everyone understand from the shooter's point of view."
"Oh no..."
"Yes! Marvin saves the day. Now all those uglies are just as depressed."
"Well, I guess that is okay. I mean, the bad guys are defeated and everything will end right."
"Oh what? You cannot be serious! He told the builder that the earth was fine the way it was pre-destruction. That there is nothing that needs to be changed? That is ridiculous. There are hundreds of things that could be changed. He could have asked the guy to patch the ozone or completely rid the atmosphere of emissions. How about zap every human brain with the abilty to use their resources wisely and not pollute. The possiblities were just thrown out the window!"
"Well, perhaps that means humans like the earth the way it is?"
*mumbles* "If it was me, I would have requested all cats receive a brain upon birth..."
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