Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
|
Crisis at the Moglin Poetry Slam
by Rimblade
Last night, at approximately 8:35 PM, Guardian police forces surrounded the Isle De Oriens, barricading the airborne isle and preventing entry. Passersby were urged to move quickly past the scene, and allegedly told 'You don't want to attract any attention, ma'am.'
Top operatives at the Guardian Tower in Battleon revealed to the press today the cause of this commotion; the annual Moglin Poetry Slam.
Around 7:24 last night, records indicate that the Guardian Knight officers who usually inhabit the War Room, standing about a central table for hours on end to safeguard our realm went missing. Swift inquiry by a patrol of knights (aided by a small party of player characters) revealed that the normally stoic officers had been drinking heavily, and stumbled en-masse into the Guardian teleporter.
The unfortunate officers, quickly sobering up, are reported to have found themselves in Falerin's private library within the Isle de Oriens. The Loremaster and the sundry characters who frequently inhabit this area were missing, much to the consternation of the knights. Further exploration revealed that the entirety of the Isle was filled with Moglins.
For those unaware, the Moglin Poetry Slam is generally considered to be one of the most dangerous events in LORE, and the designated meeting spot (this year the Isle) is evacuated beforehand, to avoid accidental exposure to any of the poems. Moglin poetry is generally described as 'Having a Nemesis Mace run repeatedly through my brain, wrapped in a lemon peel', though scientists do not consider this conclusive, as only one human in history has ever had the poems inflicted upon them and lived to tell of it.
The officers, aware of the danger, attempted to sneak off the island. They were captured by a group of moglins, who were upset that they had entered the convention without purchasing tickets from the box office before hand.* The Guardians were carried off and bound firmly to a number of chairs outside, where they were forced to serve as judges in the finalist rounds of the competition for the title 'Bestest po-it ever!'
Experts estimate that this may have lasted for nearly fifteen minutes.
Later recounts from questioning sessions with the moglins involved offer some detail. Health and Safety requirements imposed by the Paladin Board of Media Review (PBMR) restrict the number of lines of such poetry, which may be legally submitted to the public. Here are some excerpts from the finalists:**
Orange does rhyme with things!
People tell me that orange doesn't rhyme with things.
But it does rhyme with orange.
And you can have more than one orange, for I've eaten some.
But my love has betrayed me.
With an orange.
Orange.
ICE CWEAM
I dunno why people keep telling me that they want poetry
For I'm here every year for the friendship and cheer
And the ice cweam and fish that come fresh from the pier
But I guess I'll come up, and I'll play it by ear-
If you have fish or ice cweam, come GIVE THEM TO ME!
You will all be my minions!
Soon, you will ALL bow before me!
Me! I will be the master of the greatest undead horde Lore has ever known!
Soon, Zorbak's blabber regarding 'ebil' will be SILENCED.
SOON, YOU WILL ALL BOW BEFORE ME!
After several dozen more poems (including one epic poem detailing the entire history of the moglin race), the officers were released from the convention of happy moglins, who reportedly 'fogowt we was up rweally high', and tossed them off the isle. The investigative team of Guardians later dispatched looked into the possibility that they had been rescued by a magical star-ship and went on to have wild and wacky adventures for several hours, before they discovered evidence to the contrary littering the extremely hard and painful rock crater below the Isle.
Interviews with moglin sources confirm that this 'was the bestest year EVA', and that the convention will proceed as planned next year.
(Rimblade is a writer for The Zardian, and holds over a dozen degrees from entirely fictitious universities)
*A nonsensical requirement, as the Box Office is located in Dragonfable, and Adventure Quest is devoid of Sneevils.
**Please take caution when reading moglin poetry. If at any point you experience ichiness, flaking, dry mouth, nausea, headaches or asthma, stop reading and seek medical attention right away. Do not read more than ten lines per hour. Do not read if you are pregnant or may become pregnant, or will ever be pregnant. Do not read while taking other medication. Do not read while under the effect of any curses. Do not read if you are illiterate, or have ever been illiterate. If the poems begin to speak to you, and you see them in the darkness every time you close your eyes, please burn this editorial, bury the ashes, consult a local paladin and remit yourself to a local asylum. Enjoy!
|
Printable Version
Icon Legend
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread
