Eukara Vox
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Ask Zorbak: The Ezine Edition
You know, I really hate these theme issues. As we all learned last month, the only "theme" that truly works is to dedicate an entire issue to ME! Otherwise, having multiple articles dedicated to one person or idea merely serves to deny the masses of their recommended monthly allotment of Zorbak.
So anyway, this month they tell me I'm supposed to care about Douglas Adams. Pah! Let me tell you a few things about Mr. Adams. First of all, he was responsible for bringing us "Starship Titanic," mostly as a posthumous work. Now, as much as I appreciate the concept of the dead remaining productive, they should remain productive in service to ZORBAK, not in creating computer games and inspiring other authors. And if that wasn't bad enough, it's all wrong: The Titanic was a BOAT, not a starship. Everybody knows that! Secondly, Adams' most famous work was the Hitchhiker's Trilogy... which clearly had FIVE books in it. How can they possibly expect me to respect a man who can't even count to five?
But the worst thing about Douglas Adams was the fact that he was an idiot! Whenever he was asked a difficult question, instead of trying to answer it properly, he just said "42!" And even worse, he inspired a whole generation of people to answer "42" to difficult questions as well. This is not clever; this is just flat-out laziness. I mean, how would you all feel if I started telling all of you that the answer to every question you might ask me was "42."
Why don't we try it and see....
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Charles859 asks: what is the secret password of Twilly secret shop to open the shop and to unlock the moglin punting
42.
Pham Ky Nguyen asks: how to have blinding light of destiny in aq battleon?
42.
Mazinger 1 asks: Why are you evil...I mean EBIL?
42.
Shutuporelse asks: How do you get to the place where we play as you?
42.
You know, as much as it would amuse me to go on like this, I imagine answering "42" to every question would be a bit boring. And since you were all deprived of my wit and wisdom last month, I suppose you'd like to see a bit more in the way of answers. Very well. Since I'm such a great guy and all, I promise you I'll answer the rest of the questions in this column seriously (or rather, as seriously as I ever answer anything in this column) and dispense with any further "42" nonsense...
Fathertime asks: Why don't you have a catchphrase? You should make a catchphrase like "DOOOOOOOOM!"
Catchphrases are silly and cliche. I mean, I could easily spout some trite witticism every time I go in to battle, but then I'd come off like some Silver Age comic book villain. I already have my patented ebil laugh, and I think that's quite enough. Meh heh heh!
Ninja Fire Spy asks: where did you get your cape?
My cape is a family heirloom which has been passed down through generations. It was originally woven by blind, insane monks who lived far away in their isolated mountaintop monastery, and is made of wool from a now-extinct breed of cursed demonic sheep. Which also explains why it's so tattered these days: There does not exist a thread ebil enough to repair it properly. Well, that, and Mu Glen refuses to sew it for me...
Acter34 asks: Why do you not turn yourself to a human won't you be more powerful?
Sepulchure was a human. Drakath was a human. Xan was a human. How well did that work out for any of them? And besides, why would I want to turn myself into an ugly pink hairless ape when I'm already the epitome of Moglin perfection?
Super S0nic asks: Zorbak, were you ever a nice moglin like Twilly?
I have never been ANYTHING like Twilly, and I'm very proud of that fact. And for the record, Twilly is far from "nice." Sure, he SEEMS nice and friendly and helpful on the surface, but in reality he is secretly manipulating you all behind the scenes. To him, you are all just puppets that will someday dance to his merry tune. Last I checked, that HARDLY qualifies as "nice."
Josefoo Sensei asks: Do you hate naruto?
I prefer sashimi. Or perhaps a nice hamachi kama.
Spammusubi323 asks: Do you go to school? Cause everyone has to go to school in order to learn new things every day.
Like all other young Moglets, I attended what you would refer to as "Elementary School" in my younger days. I later transferred to the Necropolis when I decided that the "helpful healing" school of magic wasn't for me. I didn't stay long at the Necropolis though... they like to CLAIM I failed out, but in reality my skill was already far beyond anything they could have hoped to teach me and I left because I was bored.
Mummno5565 asks: why does the earth spin?
42. OK, I know I said I was done with that. I lied.
Axel asks: dear Zorbak, what would you do if you had a flame thrower?
I don't need a flamethrower. I have my special fire cloak, which allows me to channel my necromantic energy through my ebil staff to produce fire, all without the need for costly and dangerous flamethrower fuel. Plus, it's non-polluting and environmentally friendly! Because even ebil blue Moglins can be green!
Jon Helsing asks: Why is it so fun to punt Twilly?
That's like asking "Why is the sky blue?" or "Why is the grass green?" It just IS!
Ultimate Roy asks: Zorbak, how did you get the scar on your eye?
I asked an ebil moglin necromancer a question he'd already answered far too many times...
Theotorrente asks: Where can I get ranger classes?
In Ranger School.
Bennyliudu asks: What is the password from the secret level?
42. I know, I know... it's just so hard to resist. This "42" thing is actually pretty addictive once you get started...
Bogsmash asks: So Zorbak if you are so powerful and evil then lets see you kick septuchers butt.
First off, that isn't a question. Secondly, I'm powerful and EBIL, not powerful and evil. Finally, I'll be more than happy to smack this "Septucher" guy around. Send him over to me next time you see him.
Joebo asks: Zorbak, What do you think about your plush toy?
I think they're great. I think every one of you should buy 5 or 6 of them.
Ian Skiver asks: yo Zorbak whats up listen what do you think would if zombies learned to breed and with other undead do think you'd finally be able to rule the world?
In the interests of controlling the pet population, I always have my zombies spayed or neutered. Bob Barker would be proud.
Zaalbar asks: Ive not seen a new game or ask zorbak in over two years... What happened?
I now do "Ask Zorbak" here in the E-Zine rather then on the EbilGames site. As for the new games part, I blame AQW and a lazy development staff. I mean, I've suggested at least 50 Zorbak-based games, and they have yet to make even ONE of them!
jjbkyssi asks: Oh mighty Zorbak will i ever be as powerful a necromancer as you?
No. For, while I may someday teach you everything you will ever know about Necromancy, I will NEVER teach you everything I know...
Killerant asks: can you bring monsters to life and take over the world?
As a Necromancer, I don't bring anything to life; I just re-animate the dead through the use of displaced souls. There's a slight but subtle difference, and what it basically boils down to is that re-animated dead creatures like zombies make for much better mindless servants, given that they lack the free will and independent thought that most of the living are so fond of.
Adam asks: what is the password?
42. OK, last one. I promise! I won't answer "42" again.
Salzar2 asks: why are your eyes red?
Genetics. it's a recessive trait that's normally closely tied to the gene for EBIL!
willysurvive asks: what would you do if your brother got killed?
After I finished dancing on his grave? I'd probably re-animate him, just so I could make him kiss my furry moglin feet. Which, of course, would be dirty from all the grave-dancing...
Hustla900 asks: what kind of ebil tricks do you do?
Watch me pull an ebil rabbit out of my ebil hat...
naharprpr12 asks: what should I play dragonfable ,mechquest, adventurequest, or aqworlds?
You should play all 4. Personally though, I'd focus on AdventureQuest, because it has the highest amount of Zorbak-related content. In fact, each game of AdventureQuest contains at LEAST 33% more Zorbak-y goodness then its nearest competitor...
Mystericman asks: whats the secret password on the secret level on moglin punter?
6 x 7. Hah! A loophole!
Kekaio9 asks: Did you ever say hi?
Hi.
Armando 2448 asks: Have you ever thought about making a holiday about you?
Quite frankly, I think EVERY day should be about me...
Digimon582 asks: Why do you hate palidens?
Because they can't spell...
And finally, Latergoneby asks: I have 2 questions 4 u do u can u speak demonic if so tell me some. And if u are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ebil y do u LOVE Mu-Glen?
I can speak fluent demonic; however I can't show you an example here because the demonic languages have a nasty habit of destroying lesser minds... and the E-Zine has a very strict "No driving the readership insane" policy. And I love Mu Glen because she is deliciously ebil, just like me.
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Well, that's it for another installment of "Ask Zorbak," the only advice column in the world written entirely by the world's most ebil moglin Necromancer. Check back next issue, when I spend more of my precious time validating your existence by deigning to respond to your silly questions. And now, in the words of Mr. Adams, "So long and thanks for all the fish..."
Fish? Did someone say Fish?
Oh no... please not him.
Fishies! Ice Cweam! YaaaaaayyyyyyyY!!!!!!! Hiyas, Mr. Zorbak! You have yummy fishies to share?
No, Twig. It was just an expression. I'm just finishing my monthly E-zine column.
Ooooh! Can I help? Pweeeeassseeeeee!!!!!!
If it will get you out of my fur, sure. Say goodbye, Twig.
Goodbye Twig!
*sigh*
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