Firefly
Lore-ian
|
Your Critique as Requested from the "Need a Hand? I've Got a Few" Workshop
Anything I say is my opinion only. Feel free to disagree; you're the poet here. However, I do hope that you give my suggestions some serious consideration. Remember, no matter how harsh I sound, I am only trying to help.
I'll leave general comments about the poem in the beginning, followed by detailed suggestions (bolded parts are the changes, bracketed italics are my explanations).
Sorrow-A collage of words: I love how you mixed freeverse techniques with rhyme. A few word choices and lines sounded forced and didn't make enough sense, but the emotion really shone through regardless. Some lines really hit very hard, and I love how I keep discovering more about the narrator as the poem goes on, rather than simply being a jumbling of words that repeats the same thing (which is surprisingly common, even in my own works!). I really loved the ending, how you cut off before the word "life." Not sure if you intended this, but I read it as implying that the narrator ended his/her life.
quote:
Pain.
Deep.
Why?
No.
Feel.
Suffer. (transition to next line was abrupt. I know you can't change it, since you have to keep adding words here, but I'm going to take a note of this in case you think of something)
I.
Love.
You.
My last eternal bleeding. ("eternal" contradicts "last" which implies that it'll be over soon)
As you have scared me so.
My heart can't get the feeding, (not sure what "feeding" is supposed to mean here)
it needs to make me go.
Go out of bed.
Go out of pain.
Go out of fear.
Go out of life.
Pain.
Deep.
Why?
No.
Feel.
Suffer.
Please. (the "please" really made this transition a lot better than the one above I commented on)
I.
Love.
You.
My tears, they fall.
They soak me wet.
They are a wall,
I can't forget.
Forget about you.
Forget about pain.
Forget about fear.
Forget about life.
Pain.
Deep.
Why?
No.
Feel.
Suffer.
Please.
Dark.
I.
Love.
You.
I think about
The times we shared.
I let them out,
They make me scared.
Scared of you.
Scared of me.
Scared of fear.
Scared of life.
Pain.
Deep.
Why?
No.
Feel.
Suffer.
Please.
Dark.
Need.
I.
Love.
You.
I'd get you back
At any cost.
I'm off my track,
Because you're lost.
Lost from you.
Lost from me.
Lost from us.
Lost from life.
Pain.
Deep.
Why?
No.
Feel.
Suffer.
Please.
Dark.
Need.
Beg.
I.
Love.
You.
I wish you well
as we dream about tomorrow.
We have both fell.
We have felt the sorrow.
Sorrow from you.
Sorrow from me.
Sorrow from us.
Sorrow from-
Suffer: I love the format here, and you really have a great flow. However, the narrator confuses me a bit. First, he/she is saying that the "you" person should be sorry, while she/he shouldn't be sorry himself/herself. Then, by the end, it's saying that both of them should be sorry. Was there a change of heart? If so, it didn't seem believable enough to me. It seemed like the poem suddenly veered off, and there was no one to rein it in. Really, it was very good and creative; the sudden shift in opinion did throw me off though.
quote:
Why do you do the things you do? Those things that are oh so painful. They kill me, destroy me, haunt me. ("those" is too clunky. It breaks the flow)
Do you want me to regret the things I've done? Because I'm not the one who should say sorry.
It's all you, and you know it. That's your insecurity, not my problem, anymore. But why?
Is it because we do not blend? But we both know that we do. I suffer without you.
We were so complete, it's just one thing. Can't we forgive each other? (bold part needs to be more clear. I assume you're saying that you're "one" with the person you're speaking to. If so, say it outright. The current version is slightly confusing)
Won't it be better to love, as one? Just you and me. Again. Yes.
Right now, we hurt everyone; we're a giant tornado of pain. (just technical punctuation suggestions)
If we can say the word sorry, our love will be back.
Won't you love life when it's right on track?
I know that I will, all the suffering gone.
That's what it's like now, pain, always.
It'd be nice to love you once more.
Just like it used to be, I love it.
I love you, and always will.
We fought, we forgive.
We have no sorrow.
We have new hope,
That's without
Suffering.
One Look: This was a solid poem, with some great imagery and a nice, simple, traditional format that doesn't distract from the feelings. A few rhymes did sound forced and a few lines were confusing, but it was a very heart-warming piece overall. I believe it could've been stronger, but I did enjoy how sweet it is. Not all poems have to knock the reader in the chest and shove them down the next bowling alley.
quote:
Just one look at you,
and my heart simply falls.
I never thought love was true, (this line is too long. I suggest "I thought love was untrue" which is slightly different from what you might've intended, but it gives the same feeling and flows much better)
but I guess that love calls. (slightly weak and forced in terms of rhyme. But I can't think of anything better off the top of my head. <_< Sorry)
You are a beauty,
because you are mine.
I can't believe you love me,
I'm not much better than fine. ("than" is the comparison. "then" refers to time. Another suggestion: "fine" can mean okay, but recently, it's starting to get a more positive connotation due to slang. This threw me off, because I read it as the slang version at first, making this phrase something like "I'm not much better than beautiful." Which is very damn good. So... I suggest something harder to misunderstand, like "Despite the others you leave behind" Heh, might be because I came from my a loud, music-banging barbeque that's having my slang run on high gear, xD)
But I look to you your eyes, ("look into your eyes"? Or maybe you forgot a punctuation here, 'cause it doesn't make sense)
such a delicate blue. (reinforces my belief that you typoed the above punctuation)
Are they the prize (capitalize "are" since the last line ended on a period, making this a new sentence?)
that makes me love you?
Or is it your smile?
So friendly and soft. (technically, this should be "Or is it your smile,/So friendly and soft?" if you want hard prose grammar. But you can take some liberties here if you like)
It stays for a while, (unnecessary comma at the end of the line, since what comes after isn't an independent clause)
and takes me aloft.
Your laugh, is my guess,
such a sweet and full tone.
It is so priceless,
for it, my love's grown.
I learned I don't care, ("I've" isn't necessary, and makes the whole thing too full of contractions)
why our love is so deep.
'Cause our love is there,
forever, with one little peak. (sounds forced. I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean. "from meeting to eternal sleep" "with care's tender and passion's heat" er... think of something. Plenty of rhymes. I rather like my first suggestion and think my second one is too long)
The Torch: Wonderful imagery, great flow, most powerful rhymes and syntax out of all the poems so far. It's simply wonderful. It was both fun and meaningful, and I'm a pyromaniac so this fire thing was an extra treat. And it was also a nice change from the love poems, which were great, but you did have quite a few of them squished together. This is probably my favourite poem so far, despite the one line that stopped me dead. Details below. Otherwise, I loved it.
quote:
Burning with ambition,
believing in no fear.
We will still behold the flame
that has gathered us all here.
We with fire instead of hearts,
to lead us on our way.
We with the strength to believe (the "the" killed the flow. I know it's technical grammar, but it's not really needed, and is even more powerful without, imo)
we shall rise this very day!
Desire, hope, truth, and love,
all unite as one, the same.
And this object is no other than
the one, the only flame.
The flame that holds our glory tight, (sorry, not a fan of excessive exclamation marks. I think it's more powerful if you used them sparingly and simply let your words carry the power of the poem.)
And feeds us through joy and pain. (unneeded comma)
That flame is the very thing
that drove us all insane! (...Okay. I really loved this poem, and was close to floored. Unfortunately, this line kinda stopped me dead in my tracks. I flew through this thing admiring the flame, the narrator, his/her companions... only to find out I was rooting for a bunch of madmen/madwomen? Not saying there's something wrong with that, but it wasn't portrayed in a believable manner. I think you simply needed a rhyme here, and that was simply a forced rhyme. I suggest "that opression can never tame." Or any line. Just don't make me think the narrator is insane, please? :))
We are all one, through this flame,
united, through this fire.
The fire will lead us through the war! (too many "this's" "the" would be a nice change of pace here)
This Torch we all desire! (unnecessary comma)
Warmth: I like the flow of this poem, and some of the imagery is good, such as the eyes clearing the skies. A few rhymes were slightly forced though, and some lines didn't seem to make sense in my head. It might be just me, and the poem was really pretty and cuddly.
quote:
I look into your eyes, (that's a more fitting preposition, imo)
when I'm feeling scared.
They seem to clear the skies,
they show the love we've shared.
I reach for your hand,
when I'm not feeling strong.
It lets me understand
I'm where I belong.
I listen to your words,
when I don't feel like me.
They lift me up like birds
and my choice, I then can see. (less confusing with the comma)
I fall into your arms, (again, same with the eyes, it's something you go /into/, not something you just pass by with a casual "to")
when I feel confused.
When I feel no harm,
our love is not abused. (this line and the one before it confuse me. Do you mean that, when you feel harm, you "abuse" the love to help yourself? It seems to clash with the mood of the poem. And the rhyme sounds forced. I dunno what you're trying to say, so I can't think of a fix. But there are other rhymes around, such as "used")
You are needed,
to keep me alive.
And I always will believe in
the warmth that makes love strive. ("strive" means struggle. Which means that warmth makes love struggle. Which might not be what you're trying to say. Maybe you meant "thrive" which means a more positive "to prosper")
That's all for now. I swear, I'll be back very soon. I don't like leaving work unfinished. If you reply after this, I'll post the rest in another post. If not I'll edit stuff in. And if what I've read so far is any indication, I have every reason to look forward to reading more. Good work, Jomi! (my new nick for you). I hope you like the edit, and I hope I wasn't too blunt.
I'm back!
Nightmare: You captured quite a bit of power in some of the lines. The repetition got on my nerves a bit, though; I think it was intentional, but it didn't work for me. The biggest overall problem I see is that I'm not sure how you want to capitalize the lines. Maybe this problem was around in your other poems too, and I was too tired to notice last night. Anyhow, it seems like you can't decide if you want to capitalize the beginning of every line, or if you simply want to capitalize after periods like in prose. I suggest you pick one way and stick to it. Either capitalize the beginning of every line or capitalize only after a period. I won't point out every instance, since I dunno which format you'll pick. Anyhow, I liked the poem for the ending and the powerful lines, though it certainly isn't my favourite from you.
quote:
I close my eyes (assuming you take my suggestion below, no need for the comma. It can't join two independent clauses anyways)
And fall asleep. (changed to eliminate the repetition of "I")
Around they come,
Around they creep.
They haunt my soul,
They haunt my head. (I don't think it's technically possible to "haunt" a head, and the repetition is bothering me a bit. You should try fresh vocabulary in the short span you have in the poem. Maybe, "Scream in my head" or something along those lines)
The horrific scenes (No need for that comma)
come once again.
The mourning sobs,
the painful screams,
Every night,
In my dreams.
These haunted thoughts (unnecessary comma if you take my suggestion)
that come without control; (Line is too long. Flows better with one less syllable)
They're scaring me,
they scare my soul. (double use of "scare" seems redundant. Maybe "scar" works. Or choose another verb)
Now I wake up,
relived to be free. ("relieved")
But I know this night,
hey will be hunting me. ("he"? I'm confused by the typo)
Dream: I like the nice contrast this poem made to the last one. It was positive without being fluffy, and contained enough sombre seriousness to keep my attention. It does seem to veer around a bit, but not too overtly. The extra commas did get on my nerves a bit, and the flow was off at times, but that's nothing that an edit can't fix.
quote:
I lay in bed, (I suck when it comes to lay/lie/laid, but I'm quite sure "lie" is the correct form here. You're lying yourself, not laying something else. If I make sense)
silent and tired.
I close my eyes,
with sleep desired.
Visions of sunshine,
joy, and love.
Places with laughter and smiles, (line is too long. Either smiles or laughter would be fine; you don't need both)
I've always hoped of.
And that's where I am,
this paradise.
Where everything seems
to happen right. (Maybe it's just me, but the corrected version here seems like the better way to organize these two lines. The original form had the first line seem too short and the second one seem too long.)
A hug over here,
and a kiss over there.
Happiness, hope, and peace (line seemed too long)
fill the air.
This place inspires me (not sure why the comma is there)
to be my dream. (again, I really don't see the reason for the comma)
To love all that I see,
and to reach the extreme.
Then I wake up,
my dreamy land lost. (I have no idea why the semicolon is there)
But I will be back (Not needed comma)
at any cost.
I need that beauty,
that hope, to inspire.
I need my dreams,
they are my desire.
Daydream: The rhymes and rhythm was more interesting than average here, which I really enjoyed. The extra commas did bother me though, and I did find some misplaced capitalization (not sure if I pointed them all out though). It's a solid poem, though this being the third dream poem in a row did kinda gimme an overdose.
quote:
I sit here alone,
I'm bored, I'm confused.
Why is no one here?
I feel so abused. (this rhyme sounds a bit forced, but I'm not exactly sure how to fix it)
I can hear their voices saying,
we will be there soon.
But when I look up at the clock, (both "up" and "at" is a bit overkill, though you do need something to keep the flow here. I suggest "when" 'cause it makes this line have a stronger hold to the next one)
it's an hour past noon.
But then it seems to hits me ("seems to" is wordy and unneeded. The comma is also unneeded)
that I don't have to be alone.
In my head there is no end,
no place I cannot go. (unneeded comma. "cannot" is one word)
Here I'm locked in a dusty dungeon,
trying to break free.
And now I am a princess,
hoping a knight will come save me.
Watch out for the Rusty Bandit (unneeded comma)
That's walking around town.
Now I am walking down the aisle (again, unneeded)
in my beautiful wedding gown.
There is no limitation,
to what can, or cannot be.
My dreams: the endless boundaries,
so I escape from life, I'm free. (The "I'm free" feels tacked on in this formation. Maybe "to escape from life and be free" which sounds much more fluid as a sentence)
Helpless: I like the tone of this poem--more cynical than your average ones, but not so much that no hope remains. The ending was quite powerful, and the words you speak ring true. I think you could've added more specific images to make your words even more powerful, such as showing how the world is cruel. That being said, it was a very impacting poem and you did a good job.
quote:
Another harsh reality,
where fear is in the air. (I think that extra word joins the two lines together better)
Tragedies are everywhere; (the semicolon is the technically correct punctuation since you're connecting two independent clauses)
miracles are rare.
Everything is bad news.
Hope is the only joy.
Death is having so much fun,
with the whole world as his toy. (rephased to make the lines connect better)
Peace, and life, (maybe the capital was intentional, but it seems outta place since joy and love weren't also capitalized)
and joy, and love.
Is what we all
are dreaming of.
But stuck inside
this world of fear,
there isn't any
of that here.
Over here
there is a war.
Innocents lie
on the blood-soaked floor.
One person is so helpless,
only the world can give us peace.
But if everyone can change for good,
the hatred will finally cease.
Trap: I love how you portrayed the emotions in this poem. The debate it an old but powerful one. I did think the flow could've been better at times and that the punctuation was a bit strange. I didn't leave reasons for many of my currections here, 'cause I was mainly targeting grammar and deleting/adding commas.
quote:
You took everything
I thought I knew,
stole my world
and made it you.
I was lost
in the world of tears;
it combined
all of my fears.
But when I found you, (added word joins lines together better)
you held me tight.
I thought I found
my Mr. Right. (er, this came off as more than a little comical, which kinda ruined the power of the poem for me. But that might be my fault, 'cause I couldn't write humorour poetry if my life depended on it)
But you're not,
you're a trap.
Lure me in
and then you snap.
I can't let go
of our once-shared love.
But it's clear that you
have had enough.
Wash my tears
and close my eyes.
Hold me tight
and we will fly.
Back and forth,
from love to hate.
Do I trust a kiss,
Or is it bait?
I love you,
but do you love me?
Or are you just a trap,
plain as can be?
Never Forever: I love how you combined more organized thoughts with more disjointed ones in this poem. The ending was very powerful, and it presented the common topic in a unique way. The "you" and "I" characters are quite distinct. My only objection, like w ith the last poem, was your punctuation.
quote:
My only trust,
My only fear.
Every emotion
tied in this tear.
Falling soft,
so tight, so true.
Just like the times
I spent with you.
Your hidden smiles
with shining eyes.
You sheltered me
from all of the lies.
You were my truth,
My destiny.
I was as happy
as I could ever be. (flows better without that word)
But present turned to past,
and the future settled in. (makes more sense with those added words)
Our love was nothing,
but your one and only sin.
Your picture lies
in my broken frame
to show the world
I'm full of shame.
Shattered hopes and
shattered dreams.
I see you
in all my dreams.
My life is lost,
it's now or never.
Forget you.
Love's Not Forever.
Fear the Flame (Konnan's Tale): I did like how you told a story with a poem, and you slipped in the AE canon pretty well. The change of heart was a bit sudden, but the story carried well.
quote:
The letter comes to me.
I read it, without a care.
I can't believe a word it says,
My family's close to despair.
I need to help them,
But how? How me? ("why me"?)
I can only blacksmith, (not a verb. "I am only a blacksmith" might work better)
As anyone can see.
But there's the local hero!
Who saves people all around.
Perhaps they can help me
Save my family's town.
I think of the burning village,
I cringe, I cry, I scream.
I try to wake up slowly,
But this isn't a bad dream.
But then the hero comes to the shop,
I gain a newfound hope. (The original "get" was a bit weak. "newfound" is one word)
I know that they will surely
Cure this downhill slope.
Hero goes off to save the day!
So alone, I wait.
I never thought that I would
Rely so much on Fate.
Suddenly I see the Hero,
Can't wait to the hear the news,
That everyone is again safe,
And that dragon has the blues.
But the Hero tells me,
He tried, but he had failed.
I just couldn't take it,
I ran to the corner and wailed.
A voice appeared inside me, ("spoke" is probably better. Voices don't "appear")
You are a selfish jerk, it said.
You just sit here thinking,
When you're family's blood's been shed.
I knew that what it said was true.
They deserved more than a tear.
I must try to avenge them all,
No matter how much I fear.
I went to see a friend of mine.
He is the red mage, Xan.
I know I can have trust in him,
He'd help me if he can.
"Fight Fire with Fire,
to win the game,
To finally end,
Akriloth's reign."
The words making perfect sense,
With them, I'd follow through.
Konnan's out of buisness,
Drakonnan's missed his cue.
I shall be the best there is!
I shall avenge my family's death!
I will kill Akriloth,
While he's taking his last breath.
My reign is here!
It starts today!
No one
will get in my way!
This is not about money,
not about fame!
This is for my family!
So fear my flame!
I am fire.
I am the burn.
I will win,
You all will learn.
Tears of the Innocent: I like the imagery here, though the meaning seems a little buried beneath the rhyme. I'm not sure whether the world's supposed to be good or bad, because you're saying life is wonderful and life is a joke one after the other. I know there's probably a reason for this, but I hope you can tweak it a bit so that people who aren't familiar with your inspiration can still understand the poem. It'll be a shame to see the nice imagery affected by the wavering theme.
quote:
I'm sorry,
I see your pain, (I think having a comma here too highlights the parallelism better)
I see the blood,
I see it stain.
The painful tears fall, (since you used "pain" above, I suggest a different word here. Also, it's a weird description for tears. Tears aren't painful themselves; they simply come when you're in pain)
the flower grows.
It spreads the fear
wherever it goes.
The butterflies rise
and begin their chant.
Tears fly around
to do what they can't.
Times are rough,
but they are great.
The darkest soul
can be a saint.
Rejoice the world
and love its joy.
The world's a game;
life's a toy.
The butterflies cry
to save the day.
To lift our hearts
in every way.
Feel the love,
forget all pain.
All will cherish
the joyful reign.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Actress: I love how you opened the poem, and the first half was really strong. The theme of being able to be any role except your own is wonderfully powerful. However, it did seem to drag on a bit by the second half without making new discoveries. I suggest you trim the thing, or you add more concrete examples. Otherwise, good work!
quote:
Who Am I?
I'm an actress,
I dance, I sing.
I can be
anything.
Who am I
I'm a poet.
I write, I rhyme.
I write down my life
to pass the time.
Who Am I
I believe
you must be you.
No one else
can do what you do.
But, Who Am I?
That,
I don't know.
What makes me, me?
That others can't show.
I am an actress.
I can play any role,
yet, my own, I can't.
I change so quick,
from silence to rant.
I am me.
I know it, it's true.
But I am not me.
I'm anyone else
so easily.
So who am I?
I can't say by myself, (not sure what that word meant here)
who am I?
What do I do?
And of course, why?
What will I do?
Will I be unknown
or go down in history?
Who am I?
To me, it's a mystery.
Done! Your poetry has a distinctive voice, and you have a knack of writing strong endings for certain poems. Your imagery is quite well done, and you manage to break out of cliche most of the time. Several topics (love, dreams) are covered more than is my preference when reading them all in two sittings, but you manage to add original spins. Your rhymes are a little forced sometimes, but they can be clever as well. Your sense of flow is solid, and I only suggest paying more attention to capitalization and punctuation in order to convey your point with fewer distractions. Some of your poems (such as The Torch) impacted me more than others. I really have no better advice for you than to read poetry you like (I stress the /like/ part, because poetry is extremely subjective and what is published/famous might not be what you enjoy) and to simply write more. If you want to get more specific, I suggest you branch into more topics and try more styles. The four line rhymer isn't the only form of structured poetry out there. Numerous forms await your exploration. And try to broaden your vocabulary and make your imagery more vivid. I'm enjoying what I'm reading, and I hope you can add even more depth to your poems. Write on!
< Message edited by Firefly -- 8/30/2009 23:00:43 >
|
Printable Version
Icon Legend
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread
