Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Conspiracy Corner: Aliens
By Cow Face, at the Zardian e-Zine
Turn on the television. I dare you.* In the hundreds of channels available, I'll bet you that at least one is running a program about aliens. There are movies about aliens, music about aliens, video games about aliens! Could there really be such interest in extraterrestrial- or extralorestrial- beings? Yes. But that doesn't matter right now. When I see how much of the entertainment business has become devoted to aliens, I can't help but come to one conclusion: Aliens are evil!
We've known this for some time. After all, who would trust little green men who aren't leprechauns** and run around probing people and snatching their bodies? Many a great cow, even, has fallen victim to their tractor beams. After all, they're used to tractors, so why not follow a beam of light supposedly with the same intentions? Probably the same people who would trust an amorphous silver blob which looks like the number "two." And as we all know, they haven't always shown the best judgment. Yet now, they have invaded our very homes and hearts, trying to tell us that they are cuddly! That they don't enjoy running rampant in the streets of Littleton, Randomplace! That they do know who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop!*** False, all false.
Such a terrible plague had to be addressed, and who better than the CEO of Ebilcorp? He refused to allow me to publish his name, even the first letter, so I shall call him Mr. Y.
"Meheheheheh! 'Evil,' what do you mean 'evil?' A great necr- uh, businessman like myself should know what evil is. Seems like you 'heroes' ought to know better yourselves, before you go rushing off to fight whatever you want. Aliens aren't evil. They aren't even ebil! And again, I know ebil." - Mr. Y., Entrepreneur and Little Blue Businessmancer
Obviously, he wasn't going to be much help. While I associate as little as possible with evil people and things, I decided that I was going to have to find an insider, someone who had dedicated their life to ruining the fun of everyone else. The sort of guy who eats all the chocolate out of the container of Neapolitan ice cream. Luckily, he happens to room with me.
"By Lorithia, you are at it again, are you not? Will you ever cease your interminable forays into hypocrisy and drivel? I should have known that someday you would seek me out for one of your botched 'interviews.' While I cannot fault you on your choice of interviewee, I can and do fault you for your subject, whatever it may be. Aliens, you say? Pshaw. Run along now, before- oh, you'll get this out of me or your name isn't Cow T. Face? Your name is not Cow T. Face. It is, is it? Very well, I shall play along with your delusions; what does the T stand for? Truth. I should have known. Truth is your middle name, so you had it legally changed. I shall spare you the scorn of your readers, in that I refuse to comment and show them a working mind. Good day." - Nuclear Dragon, Evil Person and Probable Head of the Dragon Mafia
The joke was on him; I'd already gotten his quote. It didn't, however, do me much good. I would have to find someone who knew aliens, who worked with them. I set out an ad offering ice cream and fruit punch, and was quickly rewarded with a statement from the renowned alien scholar: my mother!**** [Author's note: No, really. This is my mother; she agreed to give me her expert opinion on the conundrums of today's society. After I cleaned my room and washed behind my ears.]
"Well, that should be obvious to everyone who's ever watched TV. The non-reality 'reality TV' shows have gained enormous popularity. The only possible explanation for this is that aliens have taken over the viewers' brains. Further evidence would be many of the styles worn by young people today. How else can you explain purposely showing your underwear, dying your hair in various non-human colors, the worldwide popularity of tattoos? Everyone knows- that is, everyone not controlled by the aliens- that those butterflies will slowly devolve into hideous bat-vultures. Grandchildren will run screaming from the room! They will have nightmares of hideous bat-vultures flying off their grandmother's back and attacking them!" - Mrs. Face, Alien Enthusiast and My Mom
With evidence like that, who could dispute that aliens are evil? I tried to, and she grounded me. Fortunately, one company stands up to the pressure to give in to aliens, Artix Entertainment! Never, never shall you see aliens portrayed in a good fashion- what's that? New game called WarpForce, where you can choose your species from Human, Elf and Drakel? Ooh, that sounds great! And it's out, you say? Ahem. Dear reader, I apologize greatly, but it seems that I have- uh- important matters to attend to. Be on the lookout for aliens! (I certainly shall be, I'll bet those Drakel make good fighters...)
I distinctly told the author that the correct term was Extralorian not extralorestrial. He naturally ignored me and told me it was a conspiracy of the secret grammar police to take over the common language. I concluded that he was a nutter and simply let it go.
Note to Grammar Police: He is on to you... I suggest extreme caution... wait your not supposed to publish tha.... ~Fal
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* Unless you're reading this on Lore, in which case you probably can't.
** Or who are, for that matter.
*** And if I find that man, I'd like to shake his hand.
**** She's dealt with more anomalies than anyone else I can think of.
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