Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Give Them A Chance
By Cow Face, at the ShadowScythe Base
Dear friends, I would like to talk to you about a horrible shame that, um, shames a great company. Xenophobia, the fear of foreign peoples or objects, riddles Artix Entertainment, LLC. Why do I say this? Because they are attempting to convince their players that such great species as the Fusians, Kor-Demi (not to be confused with the nefarious Cor-Demi), and Proteans are, in fact, evil. Not so.
Let's look at this logically.* What could a game designing company have to fear from aliens? Competition, of course! After all, they have seen the many ways in which more devious aliens devour any rivals. However, in their quest to warn you all of the dangers, they have gone overboard in their defense. They have paid insult to noble species, insult that could possibly lead to grave consequences. As such, it is my duty to inform you of the mistake performed by this company.
Firstly, I would like to apologize to any alien life forms reading this article. As you can tell from the fact that your eyes reach this publication, there are more moderate members of the AE staff. Because of this, there really is no need for you to fire your unquestionably large lasers at the headquarters of Artix Entertainment. I beseech you, please refrain from such rash activities. They didn't mean it. I know that your leaders, at this moment, may be chuckling to themselves in their throne rooms, muttering, "I'mma chargin' mah lazors." There really isn't need to charge your formidable lazors, much less to fire said lazors in our direction.
Secondly, I would like to apologize directly to some of the offended species. While I am aware that not all of them can be directly addressed in one article, know that you are considered, both in our minds... and our hearts. In this apology will be an explanation to the well-meaning, if deceived Lorians and Terrans of why their actions are erroneous and wrong.**
To the Fusian Race:
I am sure that I speak for all of my fellow humans when I say that we are entirely in the wrong for attacking you. Anyone could see- oh, pardon me, any life form with eyes could see- that you were not, in fact, working for the Devourer, but instead were merely trying to illuminate us, in more ways than one. Upon further study, you bear some resemblance to certain artistic depictions of the Sol of Terra, the source of light and heat for all of its life forms. It is clear that you meant absolutely no harm whatsoever, and were just providing light and heat for the Lorians, in a very philanthropic manner that happened to involve bringing your bodily luminescence very close- even to the point of painful contact- to our own. Like a very hot, bright embrace which causes a pleasant burning sensation across our entire body. Please accept these most humble apologies for our actions, and continue to provide us with said luminescence.
To the Protean Race:
We are aware that you have been falsely represented by a certain member of your species, known to some as The Protector. While it is true that he did indeed look like an even number, causing us to believe his intentions were kindly, any one of you may, at will, appear to be such a benevolent numeral. Kindly note that I am not blaming your appearance in any way for our actions, merely explaining our ignorant reactions. Some more enlightened among us have accepted your assistance, melding with you in a symbiotic relationship which provided us with advanced weaponry and armor. Unfortunately, we have also misused this new power to attack you and the other offended alien species, and for that I most humbly apologize.
And both lastly and most greatly, to the ShadowScythe Race:
Our depiction of you has been entirely false. There is no apology sufficient for such a terrible trespass, and I can do nothing more than beg you, on my very knees, that you spare my li- ah, I mean, spare us the embarrassment that is doubtless our due. I have even composed some verse in homage to your greatness and magnanimousness.
Ode To A ShadowScythe:
Though thy skin is black,
Like a most disastrous mire,
Please do not kill us,
Particularly not with fire.***
In a final note to my dear associates and any staff of Artix Entertainment who may read this: This is Cow Face, signing off from the ShadowScythe base, in an undisclosed location in space. GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Special thanks to Hugh Munn Enterprises, LLC, BBC, USA, RPG, LOL, OMG, PWN, Inc.
__________
* Riiight.
** At the same time; it's truly a shame.
*** This is, of course, a reference to the fearsome ShadowScythe warcry, "Kill it with fire!"
In the interest of fairness I feel I must point out that at least one of these races has in fact been over generalized. However before you consider NOT firing your lazors at the author of this article I would read his other submission to these hallowed pages. ~ Fal
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