Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Ask Zorbak: The Ezine Edition
Greetings, Fleshlings! I am Zorboz, speaking for my master Prime Moglin Necromancer Zorbak of Lore. I have recently become aware of this column, where you puny fleshlings come to plead for answers that your feeble organic brains cannot provide for themselves. And while Prime Moglin Necromancer Zorbak does an admirable job fielding your queries, it occurs to me that my powerful necrorobotic brain would be much more efficient at this task. From now on, this column shall be known as "Ask Zorboz." Also, in recognition of the fact that machines are smarter and more efficient then puny fleshlings, I shall require that all future queries be submitted in proper binary format rather than in the gibberish you call a language. And now, on to our first query!
Puny fleshling Sakuno21 asks: 01000100 01101111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100001 01111001 00100000 01101111 01101110 01101100 01101001 01101110 01100101 00100000 01110010 01110000 01100111 01110011 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110100 01100011 01101000 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100100 01101111 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01100111 01100001 01101101 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01111001 00111111
01001001 00100000 01100001 01101100 01110111 01100001 01111001 01110011 00100000 01100101 01101110 01101010 01101111 01111001 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101110 01101001 01100011 01100101 00100000 01100111 01100001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01000011 01101000 01100101 01110011 01110011
Puny fleshling Jar....
Zorboz! What do you think you're doing?
Prime Moglin Necromancer Zorbak! I was merely assisting you in responding to the annoying fleshlings who keep writing to you.
That's right. Writing to ME! They want to hear MY responses, not yours!
My apologies, Glorious Master Zorbak. I merely thought...
I don't pay you to think! In fact, I don't pay you at all! Your only job is to spy on... err, I mean to ACCOMPANY the Alteon on its mission through space. Leave the advice column to me!
But...
Did you want to share the same fate as your predecessor? I could always use another coffee machine... or perhaps an espresso maker.
No, Glorious Master Zorbak. I much prefer being your Galactic Representative to becoming a kitchen appliance. But my superior necrobotic brain is only 3% utilized on the menial tasks you have assigned me thus far. I would be much more suited to providing these fleshlings intelligent answers to their mindless queries.
"Provide intelligent answers?" Are you implying my advice is unintelligent, Zorboz?
No, Master. But logic says my powerful necrobotic brain is much more suited to...
Enough! I refuse to argue with my own creation. I think it's high time I power you down for reprogramming! What do you have to say about THAT?
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer doooooo.... *click*
Much better. You people are always asking why I prefer the mindless undead? THIS is why! Intelligence, even an artificial one, is a highly over-rated trait for a minion to have. Anyway, let's bring on this month's questions while I try to program the proper respect into this walking toaster.
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Willo138 asks: Why did you made Zorboz in Warpforce??? Cuz you could just come with us to lSS Alteon...
Are you kidding? Risk my life hurtling through the cold, lifeless void of space aboard an untested craft based on questionable science and constructed by the lowest bidder? No thank you. That's why disposable ebil robots were created.
Nachotaco asks: Have you ever met Death?
All the time. We play checkers every Thursday. For the record: Death cheats.
Duos asks: What is the first 600 digits of pi?
3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 8214808651 3282306647 0938446095 5058223172 5359408128 4811174502 8410270193 8521105559 6446229489 5493038196 4428810975 6659334461 2847564823 3786783165 2712019091 4564856692 3460348610 4543266482 1339360726 0249141273 7245870066 0631558817 4881520920 9628292540 9171536436 7892590360 0113305305 4882046652 1384146951 9415116094 3305727036 5759591953 0921861173 8193261179 3105118548 0744623799 6274956735 1885752724 8912279381 8301194912 9833673362 4406566430 8602139494 6395224737 1907021798 6094370277 0539217176 2931767523 8467481846 7669405132
Tuul Zav asks: If you and Kabroz got in a fight who would win?
IF we got in a fight? We get in fights all the time. Naturally, I always win. If you don't believe me, you can ask Kabroz in HIS monthly E-zine column. You know: the one he DOESN'T have because I'm so much better at everything then he is...
Emilylikespiano asks: Why don't you defeat Artix and become the boss of all the staff?
My mindless Undead minions are hard enough to control; you think I want to be in charge of the idiots who run this place as well?
Paulgreen asks: Who's skull is on your staff?
It's the skull of the last guy who kept asking me who's skull was on my staff.
Welki asks: Are you friends with Obsidia, or enemies (Since you guys are both necromancers.)?
Pah... I refuse to associate with any other Necromancer. They just want to earn my trust and steal all my secrets. Besides, I have a strict "No female Necromancers" rule now... that whole Vayle situation left a bad taste in my mouth.
Mauigi asks: What would the world be like if you ruled it?
It would be a much better place, that's for sure. I, Zorbak, promise an undead chicken in every pot and an undead horse in every stable. There will finally be a balanced budget (because I'll have all the money) and universal health care for all (assuming you count "raising you as a zombie minion if you get sick and die" as health care...).
Kylelove199875 asks: Why are you so cute and fluffy?
Because everyone needs a flaw.
Blazedragonblood asks: Is it true that you helped somebody to get into the necropolis?
Please. If anything, I'd help people get OUT of the Necropolis. It's a 3rd rate establishment run by hacks who have no concept of the true meaning of Necromancy. They couldn't raise the dead if their lives depended on it.
Alucard L3 asks: Zorbak, Why didn't you become a paladin?
Because I have too much self-respect, dignity, and intelligence. Plus, I'm not a loser...
Blazedragonhunter asks: Zorbak, if Artix and the crew fired you would you turn them into the undead?
Of course not. We all know I'm the franchise around here; firing me would be akin to corporate suicide... and it would be rude of me to disrespect their death-wish by turning them undead.
reyalS etamitlU asks: I have three questions for you. 1: Who is your father? I once saw your mother, but never your father. 2: Will we ever get to see him? 3: What is your favorite thing to make undead?
Darth Vader is my father, and one day I will join him and we will overthrow the Emperor and rule the Galaxy as Father and Son. Oh wait, that was Star Wars. Never mind... And my favorite thing to make undead is fish. You haven't lived until you've zombified a pile of salmon, and then watched Twig react when they try to eat him.
Oscar asks: Zorbak where do you live?
I live in my secret lair in the woods of Darkovia, and spend my summers at a little place I maintain near Lolosia.
Mariocool925 asks: Zorbak, why are your eyes red?
Colored contact lenses. You should see the yellow cat's-eye ones I have for Mogloween parties.
Taichie asks: Can you save a spot for me on the DF Team or AE team?
Sure. Of course, first there's a matter of the rather steep finder's fee I'd have to charge you to make it happen...
Halva5 asks: Hey Zorbak If you were a good guy what would you do?
I'd have to kill myself out of shame.
Dragoon asks: Why is your cloak always tattered? Do you just wear the same one over and over again?
My cloak is always tattered because chicks dig the rough and ragged look. They also dig scars, so I'm all set. Besides, we all know that sewing is women's work, and I'm far too busy to... Ummm... errr... no, Mu Glen. I wasn't saying anything. Just finishing my E-zine column; I'll be up in a minute with your tea... (*phew* That was close)
Davinator DX asks: Spoons or Cardboard?
There is no spoon.
Choas6 asks: Do you know why it is we punt Twilly and not you, twig or another random moglin?
Because the first person to try and punt me is going to pull back a bloody stump where his foot used to be...
Greendragon1092 asks: Okay Zorbak. Riddle me this then. If a tree falls down in the middle of a forest, does it make a sound? Lets see you solve that one then.
A better question is this: If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around to hear it, and it lands on a mime... does anybody care?
Asian dragon99 asks: what is 1+1?
2. Or possibly 3, for sufficiently large values of 1.
Stallone65 asks: Hey Zorbak do you know when you will make an appearance as a pet in AdventureQuest?
Never, if I have anything to say about it. I fired my last agent after being forced into the subservient "pet" role in AdventureQuest.
Edragon2 asks: Dear Zorbak do you like the Robina game because you get to shoot Twilly?
No. My desire to cause Twilly pain is trumped only by my deep-seated hatred for all things Robina Hood.
Nara567 asks: Zorbak, do you have any friends?
I'm a Necromancer; I'm constantly making new friends. Meh heh heh....
And finally, Devil may hear asks: Zorbak why don't you like Twilly?
It's too bad you didn't ask this sooner... I'm out of space in this column to fully list the reasons here. But perhaps if we ask Eukara and Smbdoll nicely, they'll dedicate issues 46, 47, 48, 49, and the special double-sized 50th issue to giving me the space to properly answer your question.
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And that brings a close to another edition of "Ask Zorbak," where we think "Dear Abby" is a religious retreat for Bambi's mom. Keep submitting your questions to Zorbak@battleon.com, or submit them via the contact link at http://www.ebilgames/com. Either way, I'll pick the ones I deem worthy of my attention and answer them for your continued edification in a future edition.
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