Narrative-Free Speech and Comedy, Critiscm


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8/6/2009 13:49:29

Goldstein
Member

My first post, and I'd like some comments. Feel free to cut it to pieces. Thanks!

Post #: 1

8/6/2009 14:31:40

Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

Ooooooh, very nice! The moogle is looking forward to reading this! :D

Post #: 2

8/7/2009 5:05:42

Crimzon5
Member

Heh, the "strange" title caught the Z-guy

quote:

"But do you have to tell me when there's a big countdown clock beside the teleprompter?'

quote:

I instantly forced my face to light up with a smile. "Tonight, December 24, 2109, on The Myles Carson Show!' I

Should be a double quote ( " )

quote:

I thought about all the different choices. How did anyone choose where to eat? Nowadays, things were much more simple.

Not sure about this: more simple is wrong grammar
Sure about this: Simpler is a word

quote:

This made the token system much more simple-prices and quality were all regulated throughout the country.

Should not it be 'was'?

Anyways, I enjoyed it... heh, reminds me when my country had a dictator... I couldnt believe that the reporters seemed calm and even tried to make jokes during those time

_____________________________

Can you see the Visions?

Post #: 3

8/7/2009 16:26:29

Goldstein
Member

Okay, Crimzon, thanks, but I believe "much more simple" is correct in grammer. At least, my English l teacher says it is. Also, do I edit my posts, or do I re-post my corrections?

Note: I need some advice. Should I leave this a short story, or should I expand it?

Post #: 4

8/7/2009 17:56:24

Firefly
Lore-ian

Two quick things:

- Once you're approved, you can make edits to your story posts. So the answer is, just edit in the corrections. No need to repost unless you want to.
- "much more simple" might be grammatically correct (I'm not sure about this, as I adhere to grammar through instinct rather than study, but I'll take your teacher's word for it). However, it is wordy and awkward, and should be avoided unless it really adds something to this particular sentence.

I hope I'm not butting in here. Sorry that I can't--or rather, don't have the time to--offer more advice for the time being. I mainly chimed in to answer your question about reposting vs. editing. But I'm definitely keeping an eye on your story, so don't be surprised if you hear more from me sometime.

Post #: 5

8/7/2009 18:01:55

Goldstein
Member

Wow, I'm a little surprised I've got so many replies so quickly. Alright, I'll edit then. I think I will expand this, seeing as so many people seem to like it. My second psot will be up soon.

< Message edited by Goldstein -- 8/7/2009 18:04:37 >

Post #: 6

8/10/2009 14:38:38

Goldstein
Member

My second post is up! I'm kind of excited about this...the comments I get back from this will determine if I extend this, or keep this to my first post, my original short story. So, opinions on weather or not I should continue would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

EDIT: Under review, I have decided for my short story to stay a short story. no need to ruin a good short story with a long, convoluted, and rather cliché plot. So, I will be working on something else right now. However, I am still open to comments.

< Message edited by Goldstein -- 8/13/2009 10:14:50 >

Post #: 7

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