Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Ask Zorbak: The Ezine Edition
You know, sometimes I suspect that these E-Zine editors are going out of their way to make my life miserable. Take this month's E-Zine theme... "Women and Achievement." I'm sure that Eukara and SMBDoll (who are both women incidentally... not that I'm accusing anyone of having a self-serving motivation or anything) sat there and thought "Let's see Zorbak write his way out of this one! I'm sure that his superior brainpower and writing ability will not be able to help him this month, even though he has proven time and again to be more intelligent and witty then both of us put together!"
Well OK, that may not be EXACTLY what they thought... but I'm sure it was close.
So anyway, Women and Achievement. I'm sure most of you are thinking "But Zorbak! You are always saying bad things about women! You can't possibly be open-minded enough to write about their many achievements." I take offense to this. There's no one around here who appreciates women and their achievements more then Zorbak!
Take Vayle, for example. She became a Necromantress and stored her brother's spirit in a crystal so she could one day return him to life. And now, thanks to her tireless efforts, she has managed to achieve... oh wait, he's still dead. Bad example.
How about Robina Hood then? Robbing from the rich and giving to the monsters. Surely that's quite a noble achievement! Well... except for the fact that the gold only serves as motivation for hordes of would-be heroes to hunt those monsters to near-extinction in an effort to line their own pockets. All we end up with is a pile of dead monsters with no money. Increasing the body count in Lore is HARDLY what I'd call a laudable achievement... and that's coming from a Necromancer, who works with corpses as a career choice.
By now I'm sure some of you are thinking that I'm just anti-woman, and am just going to make fun of all the women around here. That is entirely untrue! I fully believe that women are just as capable as I am, and respect their abilities to make choices and achieve their goals. For example, yesterday, when Mu Glen was cooking my dinner, I let her choose between the round noodles and the flat noodles when she made my pasta. And when she was doing the dishes afterwords, she got to choose between the regular and the lemon-scented dish detergent. She's quite capable of expressing herself like that, and I'm sure she'd be up here agreeing with every word I say if it weren't for the fact that she's currently down in the dungeon with a mop trying to achieve a floor so shiny I can see my reflection in it when I'm torturing my prisoners.
Anyway, on with this issue's questions!
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Demir59 asks: Zorbak, is there a way that my creation gets into the Dragon Fable game?
Of course. All it takes is creativity, perseverance, and a large cash bribe...
Latergoneby asks: How could Twilly fall for such a stupid trick in the ebil Twilly quest?
Because, as has been demonstrated repeatedly, Twilly is an idiot.
Knight of Dark asks: Hey Almighty Zorbak! I really enjoyed the game moglin punter it was so ebil I liked it! What do you think of the game?
I highly endorse "Moglin Punter." Anything that sanctions Twilly punting cannot possibly be a bad thing.
Needleman1458 asks: Lord Zorbak, How old are you? Because I see you in the future, selling item in a mech wars in Planet Lagos.
I am ageless. My ebil nature transcends your primitive notions of "time." Unless, of course, I'm going to see a movie... in which case, I'm old enough to get in to the horror films and qualify for the senior discount on tickets.
Jason559 asks: Zorbak, how did you get so awesome and powerful?
Superior genetics. Some of us are just born to be this darn good... or in my case, ebil!
Sigmatw asks: Did Twilly hack into your show?
No. "Ask Zorbak" is protected behind 3 layers of firewalls and several other security schemes. Twilly couldn't crack a walnut, let alone my 128-bit encryption.
Danny S. asks: I have a question- If the meaning of life is 42 then would the meaning of un-life be 24 or something completely different? Also if the cake is a lie in life would the cake be true in un-life?
"42" is not the meaning of life. "42" is the answer to the great question of life, the universe and everything. In actuality, the meaning of life is serving Zorbak... which just also happens to be the meaning of un-life. Also, the cake is ALWAYS a lie. Only pie is true. Unless it's a Boston Creme Pie, which is not actually a pie but really a cake in a very poor disguise.
Ian B. asks: Oh great and powerful Zorbak, why are you not an elemental lord, such as the lord of darkness we all know who is more powerful and deserving of such a seat of power, or are you the god of EBIL?
Why would I want to be an Elemental Lord, and limit my influence to one of the elements? I'd rather control all 8! And as much as I am the epitome of Ebil, I have no desire to be the so-called "God of Ebil." People are always asking Gods to do things for them, and as much as I appreciate the worship and fealty, I don't want to have to put up with the begging.
Jonathan W. asks: If you hate other necromancers then why did you train me to be one in Dragonfable?
My rent was due, among other things. Your tuition money goes a long ways towards supporting the upkeep of my Undead Army of Darkness.
Suna8398 asks: Between zombies and skeletons with do you favor most?
Skeletons. I enjoy being able to pick and choose my pieces, and designing new skeletal minions to serve my needs. Also, Kabroz was largely responsible for refining the zombification process that Lore's necromancers use.. and as much as I appreciate zombie henchmen, I'm not convinced Kabroz didn't sneak something into the formula that will turn them against me at the most inopportune of moments.
Lennonmint: Zorbak you said you would never be a pet in adventure quest but you are a misc. item in the Z token shop.
Don't remind me... my lawyers are still fighting that.
Megakyle777 asks: Oh almighty Zorbak, ruler of all he surveys, do you believe the rumors that Twig is an evil demon overlord in disguise? How could other people consider him cute otherwise?
Twig may be many things, but "demonic overlord" is not one of them. And most people who think Twig is cute appreciate him because his simplistic, buffoonish nature makes them feel better about themselves and their own inadequacies.
Blazen Jaden asks: ZORBAK if your so strong why can't you just destroy Twilly and destroy the town of Battleon?
People always ask me about destroying Battleon. If I DESTROY Battleon, I can't CONQUER Battleon... and I can't force its inhabitants to serve me. That's the only thing that keeps me from wiping that pathetic town off the face of Lore forever.
Mantis12345 asks: Zorbak who taught you to be a necromancer or did you teach yourself?
I am self-taught. After all, why learn from anyone but the Master?
CrypticVampire asks: Are you going to go to Cysero's wedding?
I can only assume that my invitation was lost in the mail, but I'm sure it will be here any day now.
Hessamon asks: Hey Zorbak, say another ebil necromancer tries to make you his minion, would it work, or would you still stay the same, since you're already ebil?
Lesser necromancers have tried more then once to force me to serve them. The results are never pretty... for them, anyway. Meh heh heh!
Ebil66 asks: Why are pokemon better than you?
How, exactly, are Pokemon better then me? I am a master of Necromancy who can bend the very forces of life and death to my will. Whereas your average Pokemon can't even stop a 12 year old kid with bad hair from shoving him into an air-tight plastic ball. If that's "better then me" then they're welcome to it...
Timothy 76 asks: How come you don't have a Dragon Amulet?
I don't need one. And besides, gaudy jewelry clashes with my cloak.
Qwertyuiop!!!!! asks: If you saw Twilly on the side of the road and a million coins on the other side would you kill Twilly or take the million coins?
I would take the million coins, and then use a few of them to pay someone to attack Twilly for me. That way, I get both!
Hynynen567 asks: Are you afraid to get in trouble with the Death? He probably isn't happy that you raise so many dead from the ground, he might like you as a pet or meal for a zombie?
Please... Death himself raises more people from the dead then I do. And at least when I raise them, they're Undead.. he actually restores them to life. Talk about a conflict of interests!
Mary3214 asks: If you were the last person that exist what would you do to have fun?
I'd re-animate the fallen as undead minions, and then force them to dance for my amusement.
Okstop asks: Dear Zorbak, why are you such a week, pathetic excuse for a living being?
Maybe I was trying to be more like you. Obviously, I got over it.
Hardysfan asks: Who was the first to save the princess?
Mario.
x9677523167421067 asks: What happened to Twilly's left ear? Did something bit it off?
Heh... when Twilly was younger, I told him that all the cool moglins were into ceremonial ear mutilation. Football-headed sucker fell for it hook, line, and sinker...
Mageforgods asks: Why are you evil why didn't you become good like the other moglins?
First of all, I'm not evil.. I'm EBIL! And I didn't become good like other moglins for the same reason I didn't become stupid like other moglins... I'm better then that!
Sir Zachary asks: Why did you build Zorboz?
Because the crew of the Alteon shouldn't be deprived of my wit and insight as they travel through space... but there's no way I was going to risk MY life rocketing through cold vacuum in that flying rust bucket!
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That concludes another edition of "Ask Zorbak," home of lemony-fresh dishes and the cleanest dungeon floors in all of Lore... all thanks to the achievements of my darling Mu Glen. In fact, here she comes now... probably to give me a back rub in gratitude for the recognition I have given her for her tireless efforts to achieve every woman's ultimate goal: Taking care of her man. Yep, I'm sure that as soon as she puts that mop down she'll... hold on one second.
Zorbak! Where are you hiding? You haven't finished cleaning my jewelry yet and there's still slime in the cellar. What ARE you doing down here?
Mu Glen? Dearest? You might want to put that down before you try to hug me in gratitude. If you're not careful, you might accidentally...
*SMACK! THWACK! THUMP! K'THANG!*
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Editor's Note: Zorbak can be reached via the official "Ask Zorbak" contact link at http://www.battleon.com/aq-AskZorbakForm.asp or via email to Zorbak@battleon.com. If he likes your question, he may even choose to respond in a future issue... assuming he recovers in time.
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