Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Ask Zorbak: The Ezine Edition
So it seems this month's edition of the E-zine is dedicated to Books and Dessert. I'm told the reason behind this is that October is National Book and Dessert Month. I have two things to say about that:
1) Our esteemed E-Zine Editorial Staff is so uncreative that they can't come up with their own original theme, and instead they have to steal someone else's.
2) Any country that celebrates "National Book and Dessert Month" has FAR too much free time on its hands...
Regardless, at least this month I won't be forced to put up with the usual nonsense as I try to conform to some arbitrary monthly theme. I happen to be a big fan of classic literature and I am more then happy to tell you all about my favorite book, "The Necronomicon," which was written long ago by the famous Arabian author Abdul Alhazred. Normally I'd worry that the discussion would go right over all of your inferior heads, but Abdul was a bit insane... so I imagine the readers of the Zardian will have no problem relating to him. Anyway, my favorite part of the Necronomicon involves Chapter 13, when we first learn the arcane rituals involved in summoning dread Cthulhu to the mortal...
*Knock Knock*
Hmmm... someone appears to be at the door. Odd, the zombies usually deal with that. Give me a second to...
Hiyas Mistah Zorbak!
Twig??? What are you doing here? I'm very busy trying to write my monthly E-Zine column, you know...
I knows! Da nice Dwagonfly Lady sent me over to help. She said you need to inner-view me!
I think you mean "interview"...
Dat's what I said! Inner-view! She said you had to talk to me about my most-est favowite book!
Twig, you can't even read. Why should I waste my time with this?
Because da Dwagonfly Lady ALSO said she had pwetty pictures of you wearing dat pink...
TWIG!
Yes, Mistah Zorbak?
I suppose I'd best get on with this. So... what is your favorite book, Twig?
My favowite book ever is "One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish" by Dr. Seuss.
And, dare I ask, why is it your favorite book, Twig?
Because it's about fishies! I loves fishies! And Ice Cweam!
And what's your favorite part of the book, Twig?
I like da beginning! Because there's one fishie... and den there's TWO fishies! And den a red fishie and a blue fishie! And Blue fishies taste like yummy Blueberry ice cweam! And den you turn da page, and dere's even MORE fishies... an old fishie and a new fishie and a fishie with a star and a fishie with a car! And some of da fishies are happy, which makes me happy! But some of da fishies are sad, and dat makes me cwy. And some of da fishies are bad. I don't like da bad fishies, because they're mean to the other fishies.
Wow. That's... very enlightening Twig.
Da fishies are all vewy funny, even da bad fishie. If I ever saw him, I would eat him up so dat he would stop being bad to da other fishies and he could be happy in my tummy.
Why would he be happy in your tummy Twig?
Because dere's ice cweam in my tummy! Yummy yummy ice cweam! Dat would make him feel happy!
Twig, you DO realize that if you ate the fish he'd be dead, right? He wouldn't feel ANYTHING.
You has dead people awound all da time, Mistah Zorbak, and dey seem to feel stuff.
Touche.
Bwess you.
That wasn't a sneeze, Twig. Anyway, what was your least favorite part of the book?
I don't like da next page, when da fishies go away. It makes me sad.
How pathetic. There are more things in life then fish, Twig. What do you think of the rest of the book?
Da rest of da book?
Yes, the rest of the book. You know, with things that run for fun in the sun? Or the part with Ned in his bed? Or Ish with his dish, who wishes for fish?
I wish for fish all da time! Yummy fishies!
Right... so what do you think about those parts, Twig?
I dunno... I usually stop when da fishies leave.
So, it's your favorite book in the world... but you've only read the first 6 pages.
Actuawwy, I've never read any of it. I get Mistah Blackhawke to read it to me when he's not kicking me down da stairs...
Ok, on that note, I think this interview is just about over...
Nope!
*sigh* What now, Twig?
You didn't get my dessert wecipe!
You have a recipe?
Yep!
You can cook? They let YOU use an oven?
I don't need da oven!
Ok, Twig... I'll humor you. Let's see your recipe.
Fishie Sundae Ala Twig
Ingwedients:
1 Gallon Ice Cweam
1 Fishie
1 Bowl
Put Fishie in bowl. Open ice cweam container and scoop ice cweam onto fishie. Sewve cold.
Wonderful. How Betty Crocker hasn't scooped you up, I'll never know...
Who's Betty Cwocker? Is she a fwiendly lady like Aria or Robina?
No Twig, She's... oh, never mind. I've had enough of this. It's time to say goodbye, Twig.
Goodbye Twig!
Why do I always set him up for that? Anyway, in the interests of trying to salvage some small part of this article, on to a few of your questions.
Oooh! Qwestions! Can I help?
Sure Twig. Knock yourself out... please. I even have a hammer you can borrow.
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BigPunk157 asks: I was wondering... What would happen if I took out your undead army?
I suppose it depends on where you take them. Dinner is probably out, because they don't eat much anymore... well, except the zombies, but try finding a place around here with brains on the menu. You'd also have to have them home by 10pm; they're on a strict curfew.
They don't eat? Not even fishies? Or yummy ice cweam? Dat's sad...
Lucas asks: What would you do if Drakath asked you to be a chaos lord?
If I wanted to be a Chaos Lord, I'd be a Chaos Lord. Zorbak waits for no man's invitation.
Asqwe123 asks: Do you have any friends?
Friendship is for the weak. I have no need of friends. I have minions and servants.
And me! We're fwiends! Right, Mistah Zorbak?
Tuutu16 asks: Who is Twig?
Twig is...
I'm Twig!
Zicron asks: Since you are a powerful necromancer why don't you become a lich it's a pretty powerful form?
Why would I want to be a lich? They look bad, smell bad, and keep their souls in tiny little jars... which pesky so-called heroes are always trying to break. I prefer to keep my soul right where it is, thankyouverymuch.
I like to lich ice cweam cones! They're yummy!
Karategirl99 asks: Who's team are you on from the Twilight series? Edward's or Jacob's?
Neither. I'm rooting for Buffy to stake both of them.
I don't like stakes. I like fishies!
Latergoneby asks: Mr.Zowbak can you change the Mogwin Punter game to Fish and Ice Cweam Punter mmmm fish....
Yay! Fishies and ice cweam! I like dis idea!
Good Lord, there's two of them now...
Saskue Naruto asks: Zorbak, Ebil moglin of Ebil. Who do you despise more, Twig, Twilly, or Chesire Twilly?
At the moment, definitely Twig.
Yay! Mistah Zorbak wants to suprise me! 'Cause he's my bestest fwiend!
He said "despise" you idiot. It means... oh never mind, it's not even worth explaining.
MXZSwordPrince asks: Zorbak all powerful creature of blue, I ask you what actor would play you in a movie?
Naturally, I would play myself. None of those hacks in Hollywood could possibly do me justice.
I want to play with Mistah Zorbak, but he always says he's too busy...
And finally (because I don't know how much more of this I can possibly take) Dracoshard asks: Almighty Zorbak, what do you think of your plush toy?
I think I got cheated out of my share of the royalties...
I has a Mistah Zorbak plushie! I hug it and squeeze it and have ice cweam and fishie parties with it! And den I cuddle it at night when I go sleep!
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I think I've had about all of Twig I can take for now, so it's time to bring this edition of "Ask Zorbak" to an end... before even my powerful brain is damaged beyond repair. Keep submitting your questions to Zorbak@battleon.com, or submit them via the contact link at http://www.ebilgames/com. Either way, I'll pick the ones I deem worthy of my attention and answer them for your continued edification in a future edition.
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