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RE: The Reaper's Records: Chronicles of Tipa Comments II

 
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11/19/2009 8:30:49   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


Nonsense, Organization XIII's cloaks and the Reapers have a significant difference: The Reaper's don't use a zipper. If they want to "open" their robes, they simply use magic :o

I turned avvies cause I was bored, alright? I should be starting the next chapter, been busy with studying and whatnot.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 51
11/19/2009 22:44:58   
jerenda
Member

*gasp* Hello! I'm here! I'm going to tear apart your story, okay? Well, just a little of it. Because I have to go do other stuff soon. But I'll do my best to destroy as much as I can, okay? ^_^

You're tough, you can take it.

quote:

“My lord, a Class II-A Trans-Temporal Portal has been detected in coordinates (342,545,623) at 0921,” a typical feminine computer voice responded.
Have you even tried to read this aloud? It has SO MANY SYLLABLES!!! It's insane! I don't even know how to say temporal, much less what that word even means! (Okay, I can guess what it means.) And feminine is such a bulky word... I think she'd stumble half a dozen times trying to speak the first sentence alone. I object. Use words that are more pronouncable.

quote:

I absolutely despise our realm being stuck out here...
I get that this is an awkward sentence and it's hard to find a better way to rephrase it. However, find one. Rawr. No one says that. No one. I mean it.

Tip-uh? Tee-puh? Type-uh?

Gah! Your "typical"s are going to kill me!! (Is that the intention?)

quote:

accurate in this account, Master” EVA responded
Need a comma.

Are the excessive spaces intentional or a result of screen size discrepency errors? The 'human's first sentence needs a comma at the end.

*laughter* "Everyone knows that you can’t have a long plot exposition without pie!" Very nice. ^_^

And the ending sentence needs a period. What's up with you and periods? O.o Embrace the period!

quote:

that was as pleasant as a skull’s smile could.
Be. Could be. You need a be at the end of that sentence. On the plus side, you remembered a period! ^_^

Cid Reaper? I seem to remember a Cid... Cid Reaperthrosh, as a matter of fact. Hmm, where could I remember this person from? Possibly not a certain RP that has since been neglected and deserted and betrayed despite promisies of an eventual revival!! *ponders* Hmm, no, possibly not. Ultrapowerpie would never desert or neglect or betray my RP... would he?

Anyways.
quote:

You’re probably what the definition of ‘magic’ is.
Are you saying the nerd is the definition of magic, or are you trying to say that he knows what the definition of magic is, as is "You're probably familiar with what the def of magic is"?

I think rootbeer is one word. Yes. It is definitely a rootbeer, because my brain keeps reading it like this: He took a sip of Root. Beer. and continued on his way. The pause sounds every time.

quote:

Necro also got up, and a floating green arrow appeared in front of him
Really? Really? *cracks up*

Eva needs another period and I have to go.
AQ DF  Post #: 52
11/20/2009 8:41:10   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


She's a computer, they can't stumble over their own words >.>

And Grim says stuff like that, he says random stuff yo don't expect anyone to say.

And yes, the typicals are intentional to annoy you, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Fixed minor errors, that last quote is supposed to have a "wondering" in there, not sure how that slipped by me >.>

No, Cid here is not the same Cid. It's stated that he comes from a variant of Earth, not Lore, so how can they be the same person?

And Google, dictionary.com says it's supposed to be two words, you loose :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 53
11/21/2009 3:32:06   
BadHulk
Member

Go Pie XD. Cant wait till I see the next chapter.

_____________________________

AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 54
11/22/2009 23:27:04   
Snake XZ
Member

quote:

“Ehh, technically I’m always I’m duty, and usually vacation is given in shifts… Look, let’s worry about this later, we have stuff to discuss now… I can’t stand it any more!” Grim yelled

Should be on I think.
AQ MQ AQW  Post #: 55
11/23/2009 0:54:03   
Gianna Glow
Member

/me does the usual screaming and ranting about leaving a cliffhanger.

seriously though, it was very well done and very creative. Now, this is a very true threat. You had BETTER hurry up... or else!! :D
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 56
11/23/2009 17:35:02   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hiyas!

I'm reading your story far behind the others, very slowly. I just thought I'd drop by and post some comments now that I've read prologue through chapter 4.

I still enjoy the humour in this sotry. You've had me chuckling quite a few times already. I love the Grim character, yet I'm still a little bit waiting for more info on Necro. Now, what I started to think when reading these chapters that there is yet to come the first scene outside the headquarters where Grim trains Necro. I'm not saying this to indicate that the conversation between Grim, EVA and Necro would be boring or anything like that, quite the contrary. Yet I still wonder how this would play out if all the training would be interlaced with a scene or a teaser on what awaits outside. Of course, it's totally up to you to decide wat you include to your story and how you adjust the pacing.

On a technical side, I noticed that you have the typo-curse of typing 'than' as 'then' when you are comparing things. Chapter 4 especially has quite a few of these. I'd suggest hitting ctrl-F and find all incarnations of 'then' and check if they should be 'than' instead.

Another grammar issue would be commas. Occasionally, you miss a comma at the end of a quote or have a full stop instead of a comma when the sentence hasn't ended yet. Also, sometimes I spotted the comma to be missing when addressing people. For example here, in the beginning of chapter 2:
quote:

Greetings Necro, I trust you found the accommodations to your liking?” he asked, his skull still visible, trying to look as friendly as a skull could.

there should actually be a comma on both sides of the proper name as it is used in addressing Necro.

Just pointing these out because they might be something you'd want to keep your eyes open for when editing.

Continuing on the technical side:
quote:

"So I'm the personification of evil in this world then, is that it?" asked Necro, a look of contempt on his face.

"To some, yes you are. However, let me make this perfectly clear: no element is evil or good. No element is right while the opposite is wrong. ALL the elements are necessary in Tipa to keep balance. What is life without dying? Let me tell you, eternal life is not all it's cracked up to be. I've lived for a 1000 years as a Reaper, and there are times when I just want to leave this realm and move on to the Afterlife, but it's not my time."

"You are what you choose to be. True, the Death element will evoke certain feelings and ideas that you would never even dream of normally, such as burning down an entire village cause someone made you mad. But, you are the one who controls what you do. The mantle of the Reaper of Death is the heaviest of all of them, in my opinion."

"So does this mean I have control of who lives and who dies? And do I have to go around and kill everyone whose time it is?"

"Certainly not! You will only be dispatched to kill someone because it is their "time" on very rare occasions by the Death Element. No, the whole dying process is a very refined one that is really automatic and is handled by the Death Elemental Sphere. It decides who goes to the afterlife and who goes to the netherworld and such. For now, let's focus on your abilities in this world. We'll refine your other worldly abilities like communicating with spirits and whatnot later."

“Wait… so does this mean I’m going to be depressed and angry and stuff?” Necro asked, still wary of the situation.

In spots like this where you have omitted the notes on who is saying what, I'd recommend not closing the consecutive quotes that are said by the same character. This is a small, nitpickerish detail, I admit, but since you closed the second quote here, I automatically started reading the next quote as if Necro said it and not Grim, which is, of course, a false conclusion here.

I'd recommend using the common convention of leaving the quotation mark out of the end of the paragraph (in bold above) if the next paragraph is spoken by the same person (the quotation mark in the beginning of the paragraph stays there).


That's all I have for now. :)
DF  Post #: 57
11/26/2009 20:38:49   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


I want to let y'al know that I AM working on the story, but Dragon Age is distracting me greatly. >.> Now to adress Fabula's points:

What awaits outside? Nonsense, Grim doesn't want to expose Necro too quickly, and you'll be in Calico for a bit. Some have complained about the slow start, but I feel that it needs to start out slow as there's so much to cover, and even then I didn't get it all.

As for the gramatical errors, I'll take it in to consideration. Thankies!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 58
11/28/2009 12:16:18   
MegaPoster404
Member

I'm really liking the story, though I'm only on chapter 5 or 6.
DF MQ  Post #: 59
12/3/2009 11:08:36   
BadHulk
Member

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, next chapter up by S.O.O.N.?
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 60
12/8/2009 22:45:27   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


Bah, I got 3 exams this week, one for each day, so my writing has been forestalled to study for them. I SHOULD be free by the weekend, and may have something up by monday. It's coming, it's coming >.>
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 61
12/9/2009 21:55:31   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


Bonus Content!- Here's what I made for the new thingy Euky made! Critique it so I can add it to the collection! :D
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 62
12/9/2009 22:19:32   
Shreder
Member

Yippee! New chapter!...Well sort of. Anyways it's awesome, as expected. Just a couple corrections:
quote:

“FIRE!” Jenna and Necro yelled in unison, beginning a giant snowball war of epic proportions that once again is far too awesome to describe in words.


I think you meant "described."

quote:

He also noticed that all 6 of the Reapers were out on the ice, holding their scythes like hockey pucks.


To the best of my knowledge scythes do not in the least resemble hockey pucks. Perhaps you meant hockey sticks?

quote:

After moving far enough that he felt safe from any surprise attacks,


"After moving far enough?" Maybe: "After walking far enough." Or: "Moving far enough away."

Also I noticed several places where you had "then" where you needed "than." Maybe do something about that.

quote:

REGARDLESS!” Necro yelled, making a few undead jump in “surprise” by his sudden outburst.


I think "at his sudden outburst" would be more correct than "by."

That's all I caught. Write more! Write more!
DF MQ  Post #: 63
12/9/2009 22:26:28   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


No, first is describe. Second is indeed sticks.

Can you point out the then/than? I got Finals so that stuff is trival to me >.>

Fixed other stuffs
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 64
12/9/2009 22:35:26   
Shreder
Member

Oops. I somehow thought you had a be in there to make it "be described." As it is it's fine though.

And about Tha/ens, this is the example I was thinking of:
quote:

Necro slammed his scythe into the ground after a few dramatic twirls more for show then for necessity.
There may be more, but I'm too lazy to look for them right now...
DF MQ  Post #: 65
12/10/2009 17:44:17   
ringulreith
Member

Lol. That new bonus content made me laugh.
*glares* Didn't make me forget the next chapter, though. Not even shiny objects will distract me from tearing out your still beating heart and feeding it to you if you. don't. get. the. next chapter out!

Post #: 66
12/10/2009 19:21:10   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


Really? What about finding typos and whatnot so I can submit it to Euky? :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 67
12/10/2009 23:21:43   
ringulreith
Member

Fine, I'll do that. :p Good luck wif dem examz, btw.
Post #: 68
12/11/2009 9:40:20   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


Thanks, let me know when you find any in the new one! :D
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 69
12/11/2009 12:36:23   
BadHulk
Member

Great bonus material. I laughed about it.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 70
12/11/2009 22:25:06   
ringulreith
Member

Time to omnomnom the bonus content!

quote:


Necro sighed, wiping the snowball from his face. “Bah, you know full well that physical combat has never been my forte, and it’s not helping that you’re restricting this fight to our human forms only.”

I believe that's "wiping the snow from his face", not "wiping the snowball from his face".

quote:


Necro retaliated with a small barrage of his own, which actually managed to hit Jenna square in the face. “Finally got you!” he taunted, sticking his tongue at her.

That's "sticking his tongue out at her", not just "sticking his tongue at her".

quote:


Quickly looking down, she realized that it was just a skeleton’s hand, meaning Necro was using his oldest trick to distract her. “You still haven’t changed your combat style all this time, have you?” she asked loudly.

I dunno, 'all this time' doesn't seem right to me. It sounds as if she means throughout the snowball fight, not the past few years.

quote:


Jenna had used a small icicle barrage from her hands to destroy the undead hand as she covered her face from the fresh onslaught of exploding snow. “Yes, I remember that day quite well, I don’t think we’ll ever forget it… especially Grim,” she grinned.

I don't think the bolded 'had' at the beginning up there is needed.

quote:


After moving far enough away that he felt safe from any surprise attacks, Necro slammed his scythe into the ground after a few dramatic twirls more for show than for necessity.

I dunno, that sentence doesn't flow very well. Maybe:
Necro moved far enough away so that he felt safe from any surprise attacks. More for show than for necessity, Necro gave his scythe a few dramatic twirls before slamming it into the ground.
Just my opinion, though. :)

quote:


The snow near him began to melt as a black magic circle weaved it’s way from the scythe’s butt to form an extremely intricate and complex design much too complicated to describe in mere words and best left to the imagination of the reader.

I think this sentence is better off as:
The snow near him began to melt as a magical black circle wove its way from the scythe’s butt, forming an extremely intricate and complex design much too complicated to describe in mere words and best left to the reader's imagination.
Also, watch your past tense and apostrophes. That should be "wove its", not "weaved it's". Bad boy!

quote:


The two armies had gotten within range of each other and were about to open fire, when green fire erupted from the center of the valley, causing both generals to halt their armies as they gulped nervously.

I think the bolded part should be 'flames', so as not to be too repetitive.

quote:


“I don’t believe this! You two have been married for several years, and also been Reapers for nearly that long as well, and you’re acting like a couple of bloody children who just got their powers! What the heck are you thinking??!!!” he scolded.

You should switch the "been married" and "been Reapers" parts around, because now it sounds as if they've been married for a longer time than they've been Reapers.

quote:


“FIRE!” Jenna and Necro yelled in unison, beginning a giant snowball war of epic proportions that once again is far too awesome to describe in words.

That should be 'proportion', not 'proportions'.

I think I'm turning into a Jer...
Well, you asked for it! Not my fault!

< Message edited by ont -- 12/11/2009 22:29:19 >
Post #: 71
12/21/2009 20:39:28   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


Ok, new update:

The next chapter is in teh works, it WILL be up on Christmas as my present to y'all for the long, long, long overdue chapter XD

The bonus content got moved to Euky's "Book of Winter" Project for all to enjoy. It will show up again in the main thread sometime later.

That is all for now, sorry for getting your hopes up :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 72
12/21/2009 22:46:41   
ringulreith
Member

And I thought you were gone forever... Well, thanks for our soon-to-be gift, I'm sure I will enjoy it, if not anyone else. :d
Post #: 73
12/22/2009 8:10:59   
BadHulk
Member

Pie, we shall destroy your army for sure! >.> You kept us waiting for to long! x_x

< Message edited by BadHulk -- 12/22/2009 8:11:12 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 74
12/22/2009 8:40:25   
Shreder
Member

Yay update coming soon! *Happy dance*
DF MQ  Post #: 75
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