Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
|
The Final Frostval
by Rimblade
If you're reading this somewhere other than a chair, please, sit down. The following statistic may well prove shocking; every year, over seventy million people are killed by candy canes.
Good people of Lore, this is the story the Guardians don't want you to know, the story you have a right to know. This is the story of that ritual all know as Frostval, and of dangers which lurk in the night, unseen. This is no mere story- it is your very survival.
Frostval is the most dangerous time of year. The days grow short, the nights grow long, the sheep grow wool and Death reaps a fell harvest. There is much speculation as to the reason- some say that it started by a curse cast upon Battleonians, who like Frostval a lot, by dark wizards who live just north of Battleon and do not- but the facts remain. When the snow begins falling, the wise take cover, bolt the doors, grab swords and bows, and build pillow-forts in their bedrooms.
To survive the enemy, you must first know them- to that effect, the Zardian has undertaken great risk to investigate the ten most dangerous facets of the season and forewarn readers. Use this data wisely- thousands of Zardian investigators have died to retrieve it.*
Frostval's Greatest Horrors Revealed
10. Snowbanks May Contain Undead - Let's make a list of the things which are as white as the new-fallen snow, shall we? Fluffy clouds, the fur of yetis, cute bunny rabbits, a white-washed fence, the bleached arm-bone of an animate skeleton, rising from concealment within a great pile of fluffy snow to choke you with his hands, cold as ice...
While most kinds of undead are hampered by the wind and ice, skeletons blend in with the fields of snow, and the clicking of their joints is obscured by the howling of blizzards. Skeletons can also move through even the highest snowfall with supreme ease; their thin legs and piecemeal bodies offer little resistance to the elements. They are the perfect assassins... and they could be anywhere
9. Gingerbread Cookies Will Attack - Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't get away; it's a gingerbread man! Holiday time calls for holiday cookies, and the most famous kind of Frostval cookie just happens to be the gingerbread man. But beware, baking enthusiasts- every time you put a sheet of cookies into the oven, you risk empowering that one cookie which has the potential to gain life! When first it leaps out of the oven, you will be startled.
When first it demonstrates that it is a master of hand-to-cookie combat, you will be in great pain.
8. Frostval Tree Or Wood Elemental? - Decorating your Frostval tree is always a delight. What could be more fun than attaching shiny baubles and strings of glowing lights to a fresh evergreen tree? Well, it certainly isn't having your newly-garbed tree suddenly sprout claws and mouth, laying waste to your abode, and possibly your life. For your own sake, please- make sure the star for the top of the tree wasn't procured from a desert tomb years ago, and sold after the archeologists were found dead.**
7. Frostval Carols May Summon Demonic Beings - We'll admit, it doesn't happen often. People go their entire lives without once having a festive carol interrupted by the smell of brimstone and the searing flash of otherworldly monsters. Still, protect yourself! Look over the songs before you dive into them, lest you be the next to inadvertantly call forth Dark Lord Tanninbaum, whose only joy is the dark and only fear is the light.
6. Gag Gift Jumping Snakes Not Always Fake - What's this? A can of delicious peanut brittle, just for me? Why, I'm so delighted that I'll just... aaah!
It's always funny to watch a friend open up a gift, only to have spring-loaded 'snakes' leap out. The look on his face alone might last you a lifetime!
Stop. Last year alone, over fifteen billion people*** were killed because of real snakes hiding in gag gifts. It's time that the public called for more stringent regulation of fake-peanut-brittle manufacturers, or else the replacement with 'fake jumping sheep', which are likely to be less deadly.
5. Reindeer Can Fly- And Make You Die - It's a common enough story; one night, during a Frostval party, some old lady decides it's time to head home. Blissfully unaware of her impending demise, she wanders off into the night... and is swiftly trampled and mugged by a team of flying reindeer.
Reindeer handlers across Lore have long known that Frostval was dangerous, if only for the way that, during that one night, their teams of deer gain both the power to fly and an unquenchable desire to land upon the roofs of sleeping citizens, waiting for their prey to emerge. Always remember; never go out on Frostval without your weapons and armor!
4. Nutcracker Attacker - Here's some advice; do not sleep on Frostval. Every year, hundreds of thousands of people, visiting their relatives, are given innocent-looking gifts, such as nutcrackers. After a good meal, they curl up on the couch... only to awaken and find that they have shrunk to the size of a mouse. With some perplexity, they turn to find that their nutcracker is approaching them, sword raised high.
Or maybe that was the mouse king. Either way, the rest you'll get that one night is not worth the possibility of becoming a whole new kind of nut.
3. Angelfoot Monster - Frostval is the favorite time of year for a rare and almost utterly unknown behemoth to arise and feed. The Angelfoot Monster is a massive beast of fur and scales, so called because it has strangely-shaped feet, and its footprints resemble angels. Unlike a servant of the Elemental Lord of Light, however, this creature has an insatiable appetite for humans. If you see one, the only way to escape is to lay down in one of its own footprints and flail about wildly with your arms and legs- this will convince the beast that you are completely insane, and it will leave, too embarrassed to be seen with you.
2. Mistletoe - Every so often, you'll find a plant or vine growing from your ceiling. Perhaps you'll just shrug, and tell yourself that you'll get rid of it in a few days. Big mistake. Mistletoe is a fast-growing plant, and after just a few days it will bloom, red berries swelling all along its length. Now, the fun begins- mistletoe explodes on Frostval, utterly obliterating the house it appeared in, unless one can disarm it by repeatedly having people kiss nearby. Every year, as many as two people fail to stop this terrible countdown.
1. Organized Crime - Perhaps the worst part of Frostval is that, for that one night a year, the crime-lords win. Every year, families hang socks upon their own fireplaces as flags of surrender to the criminals they know will come sneaking down their chimney while they sleep. Children whisper to each other of the great crime-boss 'Sandy Claws' and his List. It is said that he checks this list two times upon the eve of Frostval, and those who have plotted rebellion against him and his legions of short, pointy-eared goons, are given lumps of coal as a warning. Those who do so twice vanish at the eve of Frostval, taken in the same mysterious fashion as the cookies and milk which citizens leave out as bribes.
Remember, Frostval may be an annual delight, but to the more than fifty trillion men and women who are taken unawares by this holiday's traps every year, it's no season to be jolly.
Be careful.
___________________
*Well okay, not really. But there were lots of scraped knees and a bee sting, so it was still pretty grueling.
**If this seems curiously specific, I just want to say that I wasn't in charge of buying the decorations at all, no matter what everyone says.
***The Zardian accounting department wishes to be explicit in that none of these numbers have been tested for accuracy, or even possibility.
|
Printable Version
Icon Legend
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread
