Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
|
A Guide to Purchasing Staves
By Sentharn Phoenix
In the courses of my travels, I have been forced to deal with the heritage left me by my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-omni-ugly Aunt Slophiavigeralorinard; that is to say, I have found it necessary to use magic at times, much as I detest it. My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-omni-ugly Aunt Slophiavigeralorinard, bless her soul, was a witch; a very ugly witch with toenails the size of dinner plates and eyebrows so bushy, squirrels would constantly fight to take up residence there. For this reason, her most famous spell dealt with headaches.
Magic resides within my blood, but unlike my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-omni-ugly Aunt Slophiavigeralorinard, who was powerful enough to turn people into newts just by looking at them, I am unable to perform magical acts without the mage's tool of the trade: a Staff.
Now, also due to my heritage, I have a terrible memory. Absolutely horrible. It's like a wet paper bag that's been danced upon by ten thousand paladins as they charge into battle. I can never remember where I put anything.
...what was I talking about again?
Oh! Yes, of course. Staves. I have a nasty habit of leaving my possessions strewn across the countryside, partially because I forget where I set them, and partially because I am sooner or later chased out of each town I visit, pursued by mobs armed with smelly cheese and copies of my own books (which, incidentally, are quite heavy and make effective weapons). As a result, I am forced to leave behind many of my possessions, including any staffs I may happen to have acquired.
Of course, staffs are very easy to acquire. Most towns have at least one weaponsmith with many basic designs on hand. However, it is very easy to purchase a staff that turns out to be useless, or worse; malfunctioning staffs have been known to randomly turn people into ten-story tall moglins. This guide aims to help you choose a staff that: A) Is the most efficient for its price, and B) Won't turn you, the user, into a newt.*
First, examine the building of the weaponsmith. While external appearance can be misleading (See also my article "That Crazy Cysero: How Magic Can Be Used to Save Floorspace"), in general, the nicer the building, the higher-quality the items for purchase will be. Don't turn away from a shop simply because its exterior is slightly tarnished, however; many a great weapons makers, including the now-retired Vahs & Co and Dr. Doom's Demonically Discharged Dang Deadly Dark Debt-free Dirigible Staves, have successfully sold their wares from a small, humble forge and a giant floating blimp, respectively.
Once that is done, and you have decided upon a place in which to spend your well-earned gold, seek out the master weaponsmith inside. Do not attempt to deal with subordinate employees: they are generally useless for anything but listing predefined responses, providing gossip, and hinting about quests that are far above your current ability level.
No matter how high your ability level is, all hopeful mages must use proper etiquette while speaking to the weaponsmaster:
Weaponsmaster: How can I help you?
Mage: I'd like to see some staffs.
Weaponsmaster: Well, this Beginner Bare-Bones Basic Bruteforce Bangstaff 9000 is on sale for only--
Mage: I meant real staffs.
Weaponsmaster: Right this way!
This act, of course, is not utter disregard on the part of the weaponsmith; he simply attempts to avoid selling you a staff that you are likely to use to blow yourself up. There have been several famous cases where people that have been blown up have returned as undead to sue the weaponsmith that sold them a staff for damages to personal self and property.
The weaponsmith will lead you through a door to a small room filled with staves. Here, he will let you pick and choose, although you will not be able to use it until you leave the store-- after all, magic is very flammable, and lighting an entire inventory's worth of staves on fire is likely to get you kicked out of that store--and town, for that matter-- for a very long time.
Now you can actually inspect the staves. In general, take these into account:
1. External decoration. NEVER purchase a staff that is festooned with beads and jewels. Not only will they trip you up in battle, but you will be pursued by snakes as soon as you try and use it and, worse, will be called a hippie.
2. Material. Wood is a very basic, stable material, of course. Metal is heavier but potentially more powerful. Never, ever buy an 'air staff', even if it's offered for a very attractive price.
3. Length. Staffs that are too long are unwieldy, and there has been at least one recorded accident of a mage tripping over his own staff while being pursued by a mob armed with cheese and heavy books. I have no comment on this matter.
4. Element. Particularly, be weary of ice staves; in the heat of battle their magic can overload, leading to a system freeze. In this case, it is necessary press control+alt+delete at the same time to reboot the staff, which takes up precious time.
Narrow your selection down to one or two good staves, then start the bartering process:
Weaponsmaster: That'll be 750 gold.
You: What? That's far too expensive.
Weaponsmaster: Well I suppose I could knock it down to 600 gold.
You: The store down the road would give this to me for 500.
Weaponsmaster: All right, 500, and not a carrot less!
You: You sure you can't take it down lower?
Weaponsmaster: 500 gold is as low as I will go.
You: You are certain?
Weaponsmaster: 500 gold is as low as I will go.
You: Come on, 499? 498?
Weaponsmaster: 500 gold is as low as I will go.
You: Don't you say anything else?
Weaponsmaster: 500 gold is as low as I will go.
When you get to the point where the weaponsmaster starts looping through predefined responses, you know you have hit upon the lowest price possible. Either take the offer or attempt the same process at another store. If you buy it, congratulations, you have purchased a solid, usable staff that won't turn you into a newt*
* I take no responsibility for any transformations or mishaps that may result from the use of this guide. If you turn yourself into a daisy because you weren't paying attention, that is your fault.
|
Printable Version
Icon Legend
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread
