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Issue 51 - Ask Zorbak

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3/1/2010 16:26:50   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!

Ask Zorbak: The Ezine Edition

So I'm told that the theme for this month's E-Zine article is luck. Specifically, bad luck. Which leads me to ask... how exactly do they pick these themes? I used to believe that themes for the various issues were picked on a scale largely based on how much they would annoy me personally, but this is even too random for that. I mean, it's about luck (which I despise, by the way) but they then go on to make it mainly about bad luck, such as hexes and curses and other random misfortunes. Now, as a card-carrying member of the Dark Magic Union Local #179, I love a good curse just as much as the next guy... but the rest of the E-Zine staff? They wouldn't know a proper curse if it came up and bit them (coincidentally, a good biting curse is very amusing to break out at parties and other social events)! So we're probably going to end up with an article about the quote-unquote "history" of curses that is completely made up, another story of that silly dragon going to some other country (probably Ireland) where wacky hijinks will ensue, and then some crazy article about fairies and/or leprachauns. Because there's ALWAYS fairies for some reason.

But I'm rambling. So, the E-zine topic suggestion process. I suspect our beloved Editors just have a dartboard in whatever passes for their office that they just throw darts at to determine a monthly theme. It's probably hanging right next to the one with my picture on it. I'm sure they throw a random dart to pick a theme, and then cackle about how miserable it will make me for the next two hours while they play "Pin the Ear on the Zorbak" on their (unlicensed) Zorbak board. I should sic my lawyers on them, or at the very least send a pack of my soul-less, bloodthirsty, undead minions after them... which, come to think of it, is pretty much the same thing...

Anyway, regardless of my opinions on the monthly theme, the idea of luck (or bad luck as it may be) did get me thinking. You see, personally I believe luck is just an excuse used by people who lack the power and ability to do things right. It's much easier to whine and blame random bad luck then it is to admit that you're incompetent, after all. Only losers complain about luck; winners (like me!) know that we make our own luck. Which brings me to my next great marketing scheme: UNDEAD LEPRACHAUNS! It's a perfect plan, which combines my natural talent at Necromancy with the general public's foolish belief in luck.. and it certainly fits with my "make your own luck" outlook on life. I'll definitely have to give this idea some further thought... but in the meantime, I suppose I can answer a few more of your questions.
Pokemonfan324 asks: Great Zorbak, will I ever be as ebil as you?

Let me run the numbers on that... start with the base, multiply by 42, divide by your age, carry the two, invert the remainder, and.... No. No you won't. Even with the bonus points for referring to me as "Great."

Trimer2 asks: Why are you in love with the Necro girl in DragonFable?

Lies! Lies and slander! This is a vicious, untrue rumor started by my enemies, who obviously get some amusement out of the fact that every time someone brings up Vayle in this column, I spend the next two weeks (and a not-inconsiderable sum of gold) making it up to Mu Glen. You thought Yulgar was greedy with his equipment prices? You should see what he charges for flowers and a candlelight dinner for two...

Pikatsung1 asks: What is the password on Dragonfable?

I'm not going to tell you any passwords. However, you should feel free to give me YOUR password for DragonFable, and your account name. I promise I'll only use it to make you a high level player with lots of free equipment and gold and Dragon Coins and... [Editor's note: These are all lies. Never give out your account information and password to anyone, even someone who claims to be AE Staff... especially if they claim to be Staff of the blue, furry, ebil Moglin variety.]

Ajk2 asks: On MechQuest, how do you level up faster?

How do I level up faster? Easy. I go to the AE offices, stand on someone's desk, and refuse to leave until they give me another 20 or so levels. Works like a charm!

Wereben123 asks: Do you have a brother, and if you do what does your brother do?

Really? You're kidding, right? Do I have a brother, and what does he do? I have a question for you Wereben... is that sheltered cave you live in nice? And how exactly do you type with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears?

Nivlac101 asks: Why are you a Necromancer instead of a healer like other moglins?

Why would I want to be like other Moglins? Besides, healing is so much weaker then Necromancy. Afetr all: I can "cure" death! Can Twilly say that?

Grave_Bringer asks: Hey Zorbak, can you tell me who gave you your name?

My parents, obviously. "Zorbak" is an old name, passed down through the generations in our family. I'm supposed to be honored to have it... which I might be, if it weren't for the fact that I am so superior to all my ancestors that THEY should be honored to have MY name. Which reminds me... Note to self: Raise ancestors as members of my undead horde so they can express proper gratitude.

Trimer2 asks: Why have you not answered any questions?

Because I never answer questions. Obviously, I must have IMAGINED writing this column in 30 previous E-zines...

Sunpaw29 asks: What will you do in a battle with Twilly?


Clarethebolds asks: Dear Zorbak, Have you ever thought of making a undead clone of Twilly?

One Twilly is bad enough. Multiple Twillys, even undead Twillys, would be insanity incarnate.

Kirara asks: How do you get cat ears and make them different colors?

To begin with, you need a bunch of cats, a pair of scissors, and a series of dyes...

Zyrain asks: Who are/were your Mother and Father? Do you still keep in contact? What are/were they like? Do you Love them?

Of course I love my parents. In fact, I hold a soft spot for them... it's out back, behind the Hideout, under the oak tree.

Rockmasterultra asks: What undead do you prefer? Quiet, yet incredibly weak undead, or incredibly annoying but ultimately strong undead? Please have your answer include a joke about hurting Twilly :)

Proper Undead should be seen and not heard. And ideally, they shouldn't even be seen... until it's too late! Meh heh heh! Oh, and why did Twilly cross the road? Because he was on fire! And why did Twig cross the road? I don't know... maybe he was on fire too!

AidanNice asks: Is Twig really a demon? And why are you the best moglin of them all, disregarding Demon Twig?

Twig is not a demon. He's just Twig. As to why I am the best moglin of them all... well.. I mean, have you looked at the competition? How could I NOT be?

Ggtrf asks: Have you ever wanted a mustache or a beard?

I've always wanted a stylish goatee, but then I might be mistaken for Evil Parallel Universe Zorbak. So no beard for me.

Vince LB asks: I was wondering, are YOU the blue moglin that was in the burning building?

I had nothing to do with that fire. Natural causes, I tell you! I certainly wasn't trying to burn down Falconreach and... Oh, you meant in that one quest? Yes, that was me. I was a cute baby, wasn't I?

CSU18 asks: Hey Zorbak how do you get of math homework?

Don't take math.

PrinceZen asks: Is there a really awesome villain? Such as one that can melt you just by looking at you?

I'M a really awesome villain. And I certainly could melt you just by looking at you. Really. You're just lucky I'm a nice guy, or you'd be melting right now!

Sjtlo889 asks: What do you like more xbox360 or ps3?

Being that neither one of them has signed me to a lucrative endorsement deal, I withhold judgment.

Lemmehavit asks: Why is Warlic dead in DragonFable which is five years before AdventureQuest, but alive in AdventureQuest? Wouldn't he have become one of your undead minions if he is walking on the face of the Earth?

I could explain, but there's a lot of math involved. And as we saw from a previous question, I don't condone math. If it really bothers you, just repeat to yourself "It's just a game. I should really just relax." Either that, or a wizard did it!

Huntj0 asks: What is your favorite Adventure Quest holiday?

That's easy. Mogloween. Because it celebrates death and evil, and those other inferior moglins all turn into evil monsters. Plus, hey... free candy!

Stormhawk asks: Whats your idea of the best April Fool's Day prank?

The one where I make you think I like you...

Campions of the Warrior asks: Will we ever find out, who behind Sepulchure mask?

Maybe. Personally, I've got a theory. It could be bunnies. Because bunnies aren't cute like everybody supposes. They've got those hoppy legs and twitchy little noses. And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?

Dtreed25 asks: Why do you hate Robina the Hood so much?

That's a bit presumptuous of you. I don't hate Robina Hood any more then I hate everyone else in this silly company.

Slipe678 asks: Who first thought up the idea of punting Twilly?

I did. I was punting Twilly long before it was cool. But do they give me any credit? NO! Lousy anti-Zorbak bias!

Shuffleshot asks: How to use cheat programs?

Open a command prompt window. Then type "format c:\" and respond "yes" to any questions it asks you...

Othesemo asks: Doesn't this column break the fourth wall?

Like a two ton wrecking ball... It's what I do. Just call me "The Moglin with the Mouth." On second thought... don't. That's a stupid nickname.

The Adventure Cool Knight asks: What is the secret level?

There is no cow level.

And finally, dragonfan42 asks: Zorbak, what is the secret password to the Twilly punting game?

Ok, for the LAST time... I am NOT going to tell you the password! I don't care what the password is. I don't KNOW the password. And even if i DID know, I...

*knock knock*

Oh, for the love of... can't an Ebil Moglin get a litle bit of peace when he's trying to dispense his wisdom to the masses? If this is Twig again, I swear by all that is dark and unholy that I'm going to banish to the darkest, dreariest, bleakest dimension I can find. Or possibly Detroit. Whichever is closer. Anyway, what's this? A letter on my doorstep? Who would be leaving ME a letter? Let's see here....

Dear Mr. Zorbak... blah blah blah... Cease and desist? Services no longer required??? Effective IMMEDIATELY?!?!?!?

I knew the anti-Zorbak bias around here was strong, but this is ridiculous! They can't cancel me! I'm the franchise! I perform a vital service, advising lesser minds and enlightening them with the wisdom of Zorbak! Someone out there is obviously afraid of my influence over all you impressionable readers! But don't worry, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve... or rather, up where my sleeve would be if I HAD sleeves. If they think they can remove Zorbak, they leave me no choice but to summon the darkest, foulest, ebilest, slimiest, most soulless creature I can possibly imagine!

That's right... I'm calling my LAWYER!
The Zardian may be going away for awhile, but rest assured... Zorbak always lands on his feet! You can continue to submit your questions via either email at Zorbak@Battleon.com or through the "Ask Zorbak" contact link located at http://www.battleon.com/aq-AskZorbakForm.asp . Once I find myself a new home I will resume enlightening your otherwise dark and dreary lives with my obviously superior wit and intellect on a regular basis, roughly defined as "once a month or whenever I feel like it." Until then, I suppose I should thank you all for reading and wish all my colleagues at The Zardian the best of luck in the future.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some re-location matters to discuss with a certain Forum Administrator. I KNEW those blackmail pic... errr, I mean FAVORS would come in handy someday!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
3/1/2010 19:13:42   

Cheer up, Zorby. You are probably going to get hired back onto the show. Or be promoted to head of the EbilGames division.
DF AQW  Post #: 2
3/1/2010 22:44:03   

It looks like noone can take this very well. I certainly can't. (No more E-Zine... it's just too much... *sniffle*)
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 3
3/2/2010 1:21:21   

Well, Zorbak, it lokks like this is the end. I will miss your good asvice, and hope ohat you and your Souless Undead Lawyers find a means of survival.

Also, I'm sorry that I paid the staff to make different themes to make it look like you lost your ebil edge so I could be the ebilist!
DF  Post #: 4
3/2/2010 22:18:41   

what a weak ask zorbak ezine we got for the last zardian ever, this is very UNCOOL! couldn't zorbak answer some question which have never been aired before we always repeat questions its lame.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
3/6/2010 17:22:21   

Yeah! Lame Zorbak! Lame! *Throws exploding rocks at Zorbak and sets his lair on fire*

...*Sends a bunch of moglin eating zards after Zorbak*

So...Moglin with the mouth? How are you feeling? *Throws a flaming spear at Zorbak*

*Takes out Gatling Gun and starts shooting at Zorbak* EAT LEAD ZORBY!

*Calls Twig and Twilly* Hey you two! Zorbak needs some company! Go and get him!
AQ DF  Post #: 6
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