Commets and criticism: The Journeyman


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Commets and criticism: The Journeyman

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9/7/2010 18:52:04

DA Holder67
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Post #: 1

9/7/2010 20:23:17

Goldstein
Member

Not bad, interesting.

quote:

After studying himself, he picked out his clothes for the day: a navy colored polo shirt, dark blue straight-fit jeans, a black leather jacket, and a khaki fedora, which he wore every day.

This seems kind of like an info-dump. Most authors advise against describing your character too much, especially when it comes to their clothing. Unless his clothing will play some role in the upcoming plot, or he won't change them for the duration of the story (I'm looking at you, Dan Brown), cut this out.

VocRoc seems a little cliche, I try to avoid v's in my names, and VocRoc sounds far too much like "Raz'zoc" (is that right?). Maybe try to change it around a bit.

Otherwise, superb, I look forward to reading more of it!

Post #: 2

9/9/2010 22:28:01

DA Holder67
Member

VocRoc is pronounced "VossRose". I'll probably change the cs to Ss. The character won't be mentioned much, so it doesn't really matter anyway.

I'll take out the passage, too. I kind of wanted it to be the basis of what he'll look like for the duration of the book, but I guess I can put it in the next chapter.

Post #: 3

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