Xplayer
Roaming the Web
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As always, I'll start with grammar, syntax, other line by line nitpicks etc.
The first thing I noticed is that the story is told in present tense. This makes for a very interesting atmosphere and means of development, but make sure that it remains in present tense throughout (unless there's a flashback or something).
quote:
separated by more than a two centimeters thick wall of air
Since centimeter is being used as a quantifier, you should make it singular if it comes before the noun: "a two centimeter thick wall of air," or even better "a wall of air two centimeters thick."
quote:
“There’s nothing wrong with me. Man, you’re worse than Seppy.” I say.
Throughout, if a quotation ends in a period, there should be a comma if you add a tag like "I say," "he says," etc. In short, there should be a comma after Seppy instead of a period, and any time that a quote ends in a period in this form, it should be changed as well. However, this rule does not apply if the quote ends in a question mark or an exclamation point.
quote:
I’ve had just about enough of their false leads. I think.
The fact that the sentences preceding are not in quotes implies that the narrator is thinking the words, which makes "I think" redundant (unless he isn't sure that he's had enough of their false leads, which I don't think was your intention). Also applies in the instances below.
quote:
Ouch I think.
quote:
Yeah. I think.
quote:
Here it comes... I think.
quote:
I feel someone tugging at my side, but I ignore them.
Since it's "someone" (singular) tugging, the protagonist must ignore a singular noun. e.g. "but I ignore whoever it is." Although I may let this slide as the narrator is speaking very casually, although I'd like his narration (not so much his dialogue) to be a bit more grammatically correct.
quote:
Oh boy...I think in a sarcastic way
Sarcastically is a fine word to use here.
quote:
Why do you always need to irritate me?” I say.
Since the narrator asked a question, it's preferable to say "I ask." Oddly, this is the first time I notice this issue, but anytime someone asks a question, you should say "I/he/she asks" rather than "I/he/she says."
On that note, I should also mention that you should use different synonyms for say to convey different emotions and expressions of the words.
I'm glad to see that you did keep the tense consistent throughout the first chapter. I'm also glad that most of the errors were simple formatting ones that could be fixed easily.
After reading this piece, I have a major suggestion. I feel this piece would work much better as a play. You have very strong dialogue, but your description of setting and character is minimal at best, which is fine if it's a play as it's usually left to a director's interpretation, but is frustrating in a novella. Also, reading "I/he/she says" all the time is very awkward, and it distracts from the content of the dialogue. Most of the thoughts of the protagonist can be conveyed through the expression of an actor or a soliloquy . As I imagined the piece, I could see how an actor would portray it, even though there was little description. Your content is great, I just question the medium. It's something to consider and ultimately your decision.
The content was interesting, although I'd like to know a bit more about the characters, especially Kian's friend Gal. I'm sure as the story progresses we'll know more about them. I'm interested to read more, which is the ultimate goal of the first chapter of any story.
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