Fleur Du Mal
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Hiya!
Technically, it seems you don't have grave issues with grammar, typos, and such, so that's all good. =) However, in my opinion, you have way too little original material here compared to the amount of dialogue and events directly from the storyline and cutscenes. The way I see it, this is a problem. Even in fanfiction, you should be focusing into creating something of your own, and use the events of the original story only as background or reference points to your new view into the whole thing, not drawing so many lines directly out of the original.
I'd strongly recommend for you to focus on what we have not seen in the game, like the inner dialogue for Drakath you were presenting in Chapter 1 (which is good, please do dig in deeper with that =)), and only refer to- not type out - the events and dialogue presented in the game.
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