G.I.G.A.
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Hey there! First, I'll start with some spelling and grammar issues. Please note that this is not all of them, and that you really should go back and read your posts aloud to yourself. That should catch most, if not all, of the rest.
quote:
The thought ran around in his head, he knew where he was now, what village but he didnt know why he was there & who he was but he ran towards the village as fast as he could.
Add an apostrophe to "didnt" and change "&" to "or".
quote:
Once he was inside he looked around & made it threw the rooms, and somehow he knew where he was going.
Change to "through", and change the sentence to fit the other bold sections.
quote:
so he ran...but came to a dead end "a Cupboard!, Im never going to get out of here!"
Capitalize "so". Change the "..." to a comma and add a space after it. Add a period after "end". Capitalize "a". Change "Im" to "I'm".
quote:
He fired
The cracked vials exploded in a giant blast of blue energy decimating the building
Add a period after both words.
I think you get the idea. This is not even all of the first chapter, by the way.
Okay, now for stylistic issues.
First, the quality of your writing would GREATLY improve if you didn't use abbreviations and casual speak. For example, you could change all of the ampersands (the &'s) to the word "and". That alone would improve the flow of your writing, and perhaps even encourage others to read on more. Another simple thing you can do is not use smilies. You could replace them with text descriptions, perhaps.
Now, for some more specific examples:
quote:
"fi...........n.......d..............the.......amul.......et..of................. dragons......i...........ts..............your birth.....right......yu..........destiney......C..aghhhhhhhhhhghghghghgghghghhg"
You would be better off without so many dots. Usually, only three dots are enough to convey a trailing off or a pause.
quote:
"ok *cough cough * we dont have much *painful  * time befor...I go"
You could convey the same meaning without using asterisk phrases or smilies. For example, here is just a quick fix I made to this section:
quote:
"Ok..." He paused to cough violently. "We dont have much..." He winced. "Time before... I go"
Now, I really don't just want to leave you with all this negative feedback, so I'll quote some parts that I think you did i pretty good job on.
quote:
The thought ran around in his head, he knew where he was now, what village but he didn't know why he was there & who he was
Now, that isn't all of the sentence. Although this sentence is a run-on, it seems like it flows very well.
quote:
The name ran around in his head & then he remembered the story's about the dreaded sepulchure, the Doom knight, the Man of Death, The very devil shrank at the man standing in front of the boy.
He did the only thing he could think of.....RUN!
This part also flows very well, and it will probably be even better if you listen to the stylistic feedback above.
quote:
He was travelling in an escort party with his friends, they all were rookie adventurers so the escort consisted of only food & water.
"Hey Condor, get the fire going!" one of his friends yelled from across the campsite. He was remembering why he chose that name while he was getting the fire going.
This part, as does the similar part at the end of the chapter, flows very well stylistically. In fact, your second chapter is much better than your first in general. So, you could probably look at your second chapter and use it as a stylistic example for editing your first chapter. That is, if you intend to edit it. I've only read the first two chapters, but glancing at the next two, it seems as if those are even better than you second.
I can't really judge the quality of the story very clearly at this moment, considering how little of it I've read, but it seems as if it's about to get interesting.
Got it all? Great!
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