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RE: (AQ/DF) Legacy of Blood

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11/26/2011 16:43:55   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Varen6398: I'm glad to read you enjoy it.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 51
11/26/2011 17:58:07   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Nice chapter DD, though a bit confusing. The line splits I didn't get- normally that is done when the speaker switches, at least as far as I've seen. Besides that, it didn't seem to connect to any other part of the story. Might just be being picky there.
Otherwise, well written as usual.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 52
11/26/2011 18:43:00   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @tigerlady48: Added a few lines to make it tie in with the rest of the story a bit better, though it's meant to illustrate a day of training like any other.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 53
11/26/2011 20:00:42   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 @DD I had figured that near the end, but at first it seemed like he was being attacked. Much better now, thanks
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 54
11/26/2011 21:01:55   
lordkaho
Creative!
quote:

no some snack


or

Lol, I was really expecting Redtail to suddenly burst into a musical. She's a pretty fun character.

< Message edited by lordkaho -- 11/26/2011 21:12:47 >
DF MQ  Post #: 55
11/27/2011 5:39:58   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @lordkaho: I'm trying to say she wants to give him a rest, but then has second thoughts as she wants him to hang in there.
So she decides to give him another way to attain energy that will also serve as "motivation".

quote:

Lol, I was really expecting Redtail to suddenly burst into a musical. She's a pretty fun character.


She is, until you are upside down and she shoves ice cream into your mouth. Unless Jeanne is cool like that.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 56
11/27/2011 6:08:48   
lordkaho
Creative!


 Jeanne wouldnt mind ice cream. A girl like her deserves some sweets once in a while. Btw, is Redtail an old accomplice of theirs? I hope she hangs around for a while with Azer. *badump..tiiiish~!*
DF MQ  Post #: 57
11/27/2011 6:54:34   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 Oh, Redtail will most likely pop up again when you least expect it.

Strong stomach Jeanne has, I wonder if the same could be said of the other knights of the Inquisition.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 58
11/27/2011 6:57:41   
Helixi
Member

I've just quickly skimmed through the first chapter and I really like it. I'll probably come back tonight for a more indepth read and tell you what I think then. :D
AQ DF  Post #: 59
11/27/2011 8:11:18   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


 Hmm, do you like green? It seems to be popping up a lot... (Boveox, Sneevil, Dravir, Orc, Bandits etc...)

< Message edited by Varen6398 -- 11/28/2011 13:56:52 >
DF  Post #: 60
11/27/2011 8:23:19   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Varen6398: Bandits aren't green.

A Boveox lives in the forest and may function as a beast of burden, unless you know of another forest creature that can pull something I think it was a logical choice here.

Sneevils also live in forests and are a good source of comedy.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 61
11/27/2011 10:27:06   
lordkaho
Creative!


 @Varen

Well, most of the setting takes place in the woodlands and the forest so you'd really expect the inhabitants to share the same color of their environment i.e. shades of brown, green, yellow etc.
DF MQ  Post #: 62
11/27/2011 12:24:20   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


 True enough. I was just curious (DF bandits are green, I got mixed up. Sorry)

quote:


And you know I cannot simply throw it out, last time that happened a giant ice elemental formed and the dragonlord that came to deal with it nearly saw through the illusive wards I put around my dwelling


Either a coincidence, or you put that in your story for this reason (What were the chances of you putting both Dwelling, and Dragonlord in a single sentence?). Either way, it is irrelevant.

I have now fully read the story, and have been very entertained by it. The mentioning of both Gorgok and sneevils reminded me that this isn't all AQ, and the overall story is absolutely fine. The lich who can throw his knuckles is a nice character to add (I like undead in stories), and the characteristics of each individual character are nice.

The only thing I could say is that you need...well actually I can't say much. The story is not incorrect grammatically or spelling-wise and the way you tell the story seems fine. It is great! Keep up the good work!

< Message edited by Varen6398 -- 11/28/2011 14:04:29 >
DF  Post #: 63
2/18/2012 23:09:39   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 Hmmm... A mysterious start. I wonder why he could not save the parents.

Also, I found this:

quote:

to alert none of it's presence.


Its.

< Message edited by Elryn -- 2/18/2012 23:11:26 >
AQ  Post #: 64
2/19/2012 7:50:46   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Varen6398: Actually DF bandits are a light-brown.

The sentence you spotted could be called a signature, so in essence you found an easter egg.

Either way, thank you for the kind words. I am glad you are enjoying the story.

@Elryn: Fixed.


CHAPTER X: "To be Enlightened"
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 65
2/19/2012 21:15:19   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 Found another one:

quote:

The orc who had been busy scavenging the corpses of shiny metal objects


For.

Edit: Here is more:

quote:

I'd have done all of my work for not.


Naught.

quote:

where he it sparkling in the sunlight in the midst of splinters.


He saw it.

quote:

He over thought what he just had heard,


Thought over.

quote:

We Ulgathi are nor blind, nor stupid, humee.


Hmmm... I am uncertain about this one, but usually, it would be neither followed by nor here. *chuckles* It could be very well be the orc.

quote:

The both slowly walked backwards


They. Also, did they really walk backwards into the tent?

quote:

The Dravir Lich said chill.


With a chill?

quote:

Since he does not any of our brethren


Have.

quote:

He said hatefully while unbuckled his mace.


He.

quote:

if he hadn't Azer was sure he had learned a lot new Ulgathi curses.


He would have learnt/learned a lot of new Ulgathi curses?

quote:

the bandit leader seemed to regain some of his sanity and arrogance.


*chuckles* I say he is still insane. (P.S. In other words, just a jest, no error here). I enjoyed seeing him run around like chicken in flames.

quote:

Even the idiot I put in my crate knew of their involvement."


Shouldn't it be: Even the idiot that put me in this crate?

quote:

You wouldn't think the cult would simply use it's own name for official business?


Do you think the cult?

quote:

You are wrong to think I will teach him something that lightly


Something like that.


I have just finished reading. *grins* I may say I eagerly await for the next chapter. I also find it peculiar that you met Volu. If I may ask, whereabouts did the Dravir Mage's abode reside?

< Message edited by Elryn -- 2/20/2012 4:54:37 >
AQ  Post #: 66
2/20/2012 7:19:07   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Elryn: The abode is somewhere in a forest to the west of Darkovia and with that Doomwood.

quote:

With a chill?


I was going for a sense of strong disapproval. Would that work out better with my wording or yours?

quote:

They. Also, did they really walk backwards into the tent?


Yes, they were wary of something lurking outside.

quote:

Shouldn't it be: Even the idiot that put me in this crate?


Actually, that is correct as you may learn in time.

You wouldn't happen to know how to turn the edit texts invisible? It just looks so ugly once I edit a chapter.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 67
2/20/2012 10:38:02   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Posting 
[color=#eeeeee]
and not ending it will make any text after that become invisible, edit text and signature lines included.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 68
2/20/2012 12:08:10   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 Hmmm... In that case, I think ''coldly'' would do, that or perhaps a hiss on the part of the lich?

And thank you kindly, Mritha.
AQ  Post #: 69
2/20/2012 13:13:17   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Mritha: Thank you.

@Elryn: I'll use coldly, which is funny if you consider how the dialogue procedes.

I'll add my announcement again just in case it was overlooked.


CHAPTER X: "To be Enlightened"
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 70
2/20/2012 18:07:48   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 *grins* Splendid!

How many years before the Great Fire War is this taking place?
AQ  Post #: 71
2/20/2012 18:17:09   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Elryn: The story plays roughly a decade before the start of DragonFable.

It shows the suffering Akriloth has already inflicted to Galanoth and several others.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 72
2/20/2012 18:27:42   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 Meaning that, provided that no chronomancy is involved in one form or another, you are in your early twenties at the present time. Is this correct?
AQ  Post #: 73
2/20/2012 18:39:02   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Elryn: Yes.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 74
2/20/2012 18:45:33   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 *grins* I look forward to the next chapters.
AQ  Post #: 75
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