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C+C thread: I, Imagination.

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4/20/2011 15:02:55   
Helixi
Member

Feel free to comment and improve my work, however, I do not plan on expanding this into a full story.

>>Story goes here!<<



< Message edited by Helixi -- 4/20/2011 15:06:21 >
AQ DF  Post #: 1
4/20/2011 15:19:52   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 I like the story, but I am uncertain on how to improve it.

Perhaps you could give more insight on Lillith's reaction as her sister walked into the night.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 2
4/20/2011 15:22:17   
Helixi
Member

I might do. To clarify, the coursework question was a gripping and suspenseful story opening. Hence why I haven't thought much beyond, other than to add the last paragraph. I'll possibly try to work a little bit at the end, DD.
AQ DF  Post #: 3
4/27/2011 18:19:51   
Reaper Sigma
Member

Hey Helix!

Sorry about not reading. I was in London. :3

It's a great story, the perfect metaphor for society's limited use of imagination, not thinking beyond the goals and limits set by society, not thinking, "The sky's the limit. When you reach it, there are endless possibilities beyond that."

Of course, that's just me. Technical stuff like flow and grammar, I don't see. The flashback was a bit lacking in detail, as was the relationship between Lilith and Ima.
Post #: 4
6/16/2011 9:46:23   
Helixi
Member

Thank you Reaper. I'm going to try and work on all my L+L work over the Summer, I, Imagination included. :)
AQ DF  Post #: 5
12/5/2011 10:35:15   
Acid001
Member

Hey Helixi. :)
Just a foreword: my critiques tend to focus largely on flow and style, because those are what I'm good at. That's why I might sound a little cold. Rest assured, I don't intend to be; I, Imagination is a fantastic story, and I wouldn't be bothering to critique it if I thought otherwise. Only good writers can benefit from critique.

The only real issue I see immediately is a disposition to tell rather than show. For instance, I'd consider omitting the quotation marks in phrases like 'I sighed and "rolled" over' and 'She was my older "sister"'. In cases like these it's better to just state something and let the reader figure it out, rather than punctuating them and risk breaking the flow of the narrative. The quotes sort of make the reader feel like they're being shouted at.

There's also a line near the end:
quote:

I was stunned. My sister, my beloved sister had killed the very race she had helped bring into existence. My mind reeled away from this stark confession, not wanting to believe it. WHY?!
Quite a lot of telling here. A more subtle approach would probably be to omit most of that line and perhaps focus on Imagination's emotional reaction, rather than a retelling of the narrative you've already built up. Again, it shatters the illusion.

Finally, the last paragraph is quite light. There's great scope there for a few lines of philosophical discussion, perhaps relating Lilith's tyranny to everyday life, expanding on the cool modern-creation-myth vibe you have going. As it is, it leaves the reader feeling a little short-changed.

Again, I really like this piece. It's a cool concept, grand in scope but contained within your word count, and - like any good fiction - it inspires thought. I'll have a look at your longer pieces when I have a little more time on my hands, but in the meantime let me know if you get any more short stories posted! :)
AQ  Post #: 6
12/5/2011 13:11:10   
Helixi
Member

Well, my longer pieces are very old and definitely need overhaul before they stand up to I, Imagination. Thanks for the critique; it's wonderful to have people read my stuff again as it's kinda fallen by the wayside as other things have taken priority. I plan to update soon with a new short story that will probably be called Dear Diary, I Want To Be Happy. I just need to get the plot and characters sorted.
AQ DF  Post #: 7
12/5/2011 13:23:56   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


 Nice! Since you helped me so much with my story, I decided to help out here. In fact all I am doing is quoting you, but it is still useful all the same.

quote:

Remove 'key=?' from the link address. It'll stop all the question marks in the document being highlighted.


Yep. The first thing you put in my critique.


I will comment once I have time to properly read it. Adios for now!
DF  Post #: 8
12/5/2011 13:45:20   
Helixi
Member

Varen: done.

I've decided to set aside two days where I go over old work of mine and give it huge and thorough going over. When that will be, however, I don't know.
AQ DF  Post #: 9
12/6/2011 12:47:29   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


 A quick question, Imagination obviously strengthens as there is more imagination within the human population, but what does Lilith thrive on? Boredom? Un-creativity? You could make the name sound a little bit like the thing Lilith thrives off, or even better you could describe what they want and need. Imagination clearly thrives off of imagination, perhaps you could explain a bit clearer what Lilith needs. I don't want you to add a whole new paragraph or anything like that, but when you introduce them you could make it a bit more obvious what they do (eg: Lilith grew to enjoy consuming and thriving on lack of imagination). Just a quick comment.

< Message edited by Varen6398 -- 12/6/2011 13:15:54 >
DF  Post #: 10
12/6/2011 15:01:24   
Helixi
Member

Lilith thrives on the fear of humans. But I understand your point and will add something in about this.
AQ DF  Post #: 11
12/6/2011 15:03:24   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


 I like the fact it is so open ended at the end. If you did want to make it longer and turn it into a story rather than a short story, you'd have lots of room to manuver.
DF  Post #: 12
12/6/2011 15:28:12   
Helixi
Member

I don't think I'll ever extend it beyond the length it is now.
AQ DF  Post #: 13
12/6/2011 15:46:13   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


 Well it is still a nice end. It is one of those stories you want to hear more of, but you know you never will (Harry Potter for example. I guess there will be no more things to do with his future. I just want to have more! It is so good!)
DF  Post #: 14
12/7/2011 15:52:06   
Helixi
Member

Acid/anyone else who was going to point that sentence out: I'll be able to update this by Sunday, workload allowing.
AQ DF  Post #: 15
2/3/2012 14:31:09   
Helixi
Member

I've finally gotten around to reworking this a little. It's only small tweaks in places, but the story is improved. As always, comments and criticism welcome.
AQ DF  Post #: 16
2/3/2012 14:39:58   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


 Yes, this has definetely improved. I thought it was great to begin with, but now it is even greater! I love your stories/works. Keep them up!
DF  Post #: 17
2/18/2012 5:24:41   
Helixi
Member

Thank you Varen. :D

I've been thinking about writing another shot story from Liliths perspective, what do you guys think?
AQ DF  Post #: 18
2/25/2012 13:34:03   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Impressive Helixi. Very deep too (don't think I would come up with something this deep haha)

Even though it is not my style, it is very well done.
I am not good in this but you get a "Like" from me :p
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 19
3/1/2012 9:03:28   
Helixi
Member

Thank you Therril. Hopefully, I'll be able to update Lilith's own perspective soon. For now, comments appreciated! :3
AQ DF  Post #: 20
6/8/2012 16:38:28   
  AnimalKing
Moderator


 I'm glad that you showed this to me on IRC, as I'd have probably missed out! I thoroughly enjoyed your descriptive narrative with vivid imagery. I don’t think “I, Imagination” will have much to worry about!

quote:

“Though we knew humans and walked among them, we lived apart. Lilith and I were elevated to the status of deity by humans; I suppose we were, in some senses. She and I ruled together harmoniously for centuries, but Lilith began to desire more. She started to demand tribute. Our lives, which had been so closely intertwined, began to grow apart.”


I had a query with this paragraph which I found thought provoking. It started with a hint of tension with them “living apart”, though with them “ruling together” in harmony I found slightly contradictive, before growing “apart”. Meant as constructive criticism would their uncongenial relationship be something that was of tolerance over the centuries? Did Lilith always possess a portion of the traits or did something change her perspective?

I hope you keep up the good work, your story has a lot of potential.
Post #: 21
6/8/2012 19:02:30   
Helixi
Member

Well, originally, they were both intended to be innocent/pure, however you want to see it. However, with the human's worshipful treatment of her, the more powerful sibling, her perception changed and she became a very arrogant deity. Hope that clears that up for you. :D
AQ DF  Post #: 22
6/11/2012 9:35:43   
  AnimalKing
Moderator


 Ah, it's my misconception then, as I believed they were created that way. Thanks for clearing it up.
Post #: 23
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