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(HS) For What Was Great (Work in progress)

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6/3/2011 14:41:15   
Dead_Night
Member

Here you can comment on my fan fiction For What Was Great. I would much like some constructive criticism and please honestly tell me what you think.

The first four chapter are up! I hope you enjoy.

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=19081090&mpage=1&key=?

Chapters
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four


< Message edited by Dead_Night -- 7/26/2011 5:57:00 >
Post #: 1
6/7/2011 9:50:46   
Jae10
Creative!
Constructive!


 < Wow, this sounds like a pretty deadly story. The first two chapters have definetly peaked my interest. Mia/Mercy has a very strong personality which is perfect because she is most certaintly a woman of authority (lol, funny that she calls her lackeys "dogs"). Nice job so far! :)
AQW  Post #: 2
6/7/2011 13:02:23   
Dead_Night
Member

Thanks for reading! I’m glad you enjoyed it. Chapter three has been written, but I think I am going to write chapter four and combine them, seeing as chapter three is rather short. I’m reading your story The Puppet Master, but with writing this, school and exams it’s taking a while to catch up. But when I do, I will comment. It is great so far!
Post #: 3
6/7/2011 20:31:23   
Jae10
Creative!
Constructive!


 ^
Sure thing. You could always pm a heads up when chapters 3 & 4 are out. I don't want to forget X3

Looking forward to see how this story progresses^^


Wow! Fantastic chapter 3...Mia/Mercy is so ruthless! She's such an awesome character! And I like Jake too. He seems to kind of admire his boss's charisma.

quote:

“Told you my face would be the last face you would ever see,” she said before looking over Jake. “Do you have a knife?”

Without question, Jake pulled out his pocket knife from his trouser pocket and passed it to Mia. Crouching down again she reached out with a gloved hand and pulled out Ghosts tong. With the knife she began to slice through the tong, placing it in his hand once she had finished. Wiping the knife on his trousers she passed it back to Jake, who rather reluctantly placed it back in his pocket. Wiping her gloved hand on his trousers as well, she stood up and looked back at the body.

“There, you got your wish. I cut your tong out.”


LoL

< Message edited by Jae10 -- 6/9/2011 17:04:49 >
AQW  Post #: 4
6/11/2011 7:43:50   
Dead_Night
Member

Thanks for reading! Chapter four should be out before Monday. Ah, Mia is rather ruthless, more will be revealed about her and Jake soon.

And finally I have updated! If anyone is still reading this anyway... With school now finished for the summer chapters should be posted on a more regular basis (hopefully).

Before vanishing once more I would like to point out that I have gone through and edited the chapters slightly, though the only real difference that makes any importance is that Mia is now 24 instead of 20. Only reason for this is because I have now actually written her history in full detail, and it would not realistically fit into 20 years. Anyway, enjoy!

Also, anyone else get slightly depressed when the amount you write seems much less on here than on word (or whatever you use)?


< Message edited by Dead_Night -- 7/24/2011 15:25:16 >
Post #: 5
8/3/2011 15:26:43   
Jae10
Creative!
Constructive!


 ^
Agreed. I tend to get somewhat depressed about that too.

Yay! Honestly, I still read this story and it's getting better with each chapter. You're a really good writer Dead_Night! The way its worded is great, like many of the novels I read and the end of chapter four was a major surprise (She has a sister? O_o). It makes me wonder if Sophie is as cold-natured as Mia. Again - very good job. :3
AQW  Post #: 6
9/11/2011 6:52:07   
blankmaskara
Member

Great piece of work there. Can't wait for the next chapters.
Post #: 7
8/1/2012 12:56:48   
Kinzdor
Member

Just started reading and I love it! Though the business theme seems to be becoming quite common, in HS fanfic. Though I think the fact that she off`s bot hero`s and villens is a nice twist, as well as the part at the end with H corp and her sister!

Edit: Just got caught up and looked at the dates. Sad that the story`s been dead for a yer.

< Message edited by kinzvlle -- 8/1/2012 12:59:12 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
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