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Loremaster (Origin of Alanna) (WIP)

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6/14/2011 21:46:37   
Alanna Zelen
Friendly!

 

 My first attempt at a fair sized story, Loremaster follows Alanna, a young child growing up in an Lorian orphanage.

Character sheet for Alanna
Extra information

Loremaster (Origin of Alanna)

Prologue
1 - Exploration
2 - Wakening
3 - Blue
4 - Freak
5 - Listen
6 - Change
7 - Forseen


Comments and advice are welcome, as well as plot suggestions.

< Message edited by Alanna Zelen -- 1/23/2012 4:44:09 >
Post #: 1
6/16/2011 1:16:29   
Condor
Member

Very very good alanna
well so far
leading up to a awesome story

< Message edited by Epic Dragonlord -- 6/16/2011 1:18:22 >
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 2
8/29/2011 6:21:11   
  Gingkage
Wolf Rider


 The ending to the last part seems a little abrupt, but so far so good. When's the next segment?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 3
8/29/2011 14:21:57   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Nice alanna! No real comments, just can;t wait to see the rest
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 4
12/6/2011 20:27:45   
Alanna Zelen
Friendly!

 

 Updated! New extra link added and chapter 4 now up!

EDIT: Make that chapter 5 as well ^^

< Message edited by Alanna Zelen -- 12/7/2011 2:47:36 >
Post #: 5
12/7/2011 2:48:19   
  Gingkage
Wolf Rider


 It's great so far, but it feels somewhat rushed. That's just my opinion, though. Can't wait for the next update.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 6
12/7/2011 9:41:13   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 I wonder, is the region where the orphanage stands so ignorant or how are you going to portray Falconreach if mages are feared and hated in your story?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 7
12/7/2011 18:21:07   
Glais
Member

@Dwelling:I think that applied just to the Orphanage, as it said Mages get adopted sooner. Or maybe it is just that poor village.

Anyways, liking it so far, especially how short it is, since I don't have to spend an hour reading it all <_>
DF MQ  Post #: 8
12/7/2011 19:09:32   
Alanna Zelen
Friendly!

 

 @Dwelling Glaisaurus is correct when he says it applies to the orphanage alone, as the children were never brought up like most Lorians and see mages as something to fear and hate. Ignorance is what drives them to outcast the mages even if they exhibit helpful magic. The village itself is a bit more accepting since they remember the war where Alanna was actually orphaned. But more on that later, if I feel like it.

Thanks for the feedback everyone, and I hope you're enjoying the story.
Post #: 9
1/23/2012 2:27:40   
Glais
Member

For some reason I was online exactly as you updated so...yeah. I was wondering when you'd start up again anyways.

So the plot continues, now we have a teammate and (I think) a goal. Only question is to where they're heading (FalconReach I think it was?).
Anyhow, I suspect as the next few chapters may shape the main goal of the story, things will begin to grow more interesting.

Too bad about Brooke though, I was kind of expecting a mentor character. Or at least a transfer of knowledge to allow the kids to defend themselves.
DF MQ  Post #: 10
1/23/2012 3:06:28   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 Things are rapping up rather quickly, one moment she leaves the orphanage and the next she already leaves the village with a new ally. I gather Brooke was inspired by fortunetellers who read the hand of a person to divine their future?

quote:

Nam hugged the old women before going upstairs to retrieve what they would need. Brooke held out her hand. “My powers may not be what they once were, but I have gained an insight to the world I lacked before. Give me your hand Alanna; the runemarked one.”
Alanna offered her hand, which started tingling on contact. Brooke didn't stir even when she sneezed, breaking contact after a few moments. “You have potential to be many things child. I see you learning much, and loosing what you hold dear. I saw you amongst others fighting for something you believe. Your path isn't certain as of yet; but you have great potential as a mage. I advise you look into the past to find the future.”


woman, losing

I think you can just use "," instead of ";".

Is there any specific reason as to why you use "see" in one sentence and "saw" in another?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 11
1/23/2012 4:40:51   
Alanna Zelen
Friendly!

 

 @Dwelling The text editor I was writing in does not pick up grammatical errors unfortunately, hence the wrong word usage. As for the see and saw... she observed one of the events as if she was living it, and the second more as a retelling from someone else.

Well yes, I usually don't write long stories XD Drawn out plotlines are something I struggle to write well.
Post #: 12
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