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RE: Gavon Felarian: A Biography

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7/8/2011 18:42:30   
bsteiny16
Member

Found some mistakes.
AQ DF  Post #: 26
7/8/2011 18:56:47   
3 Vandoren
Member

@bsteiny16:
And that is why you're my proof-reader.

Edit: Don't you mumble at me!!!!!
Ten laps, around the Knight Castle.
Now!

< Message edited by Necro Berserk -- 7/8/2011 19:02:08 >
Post #: 27
7/8/2011 18:58:59   
bsteiny16
Member

Exactly.....wait.....what?

I thought I'm your second in command and friend? Not a proof reader!



*Mumble* Proof Reader.....Yeah....like that'll happen...... *Mumble*

Edit: NEVER!!!!!!!

*Runs away screaming like a little boy in a "Temper-tantrum"*

< Message edited by bsteiny16 -- 7/8/2011 19:20:10 >
AQ DF  Post #: 28
7/8/2011 19:31:49   
bsteiny16
Member

I like the newest part.
AQ DF  Post #: 29
7/8/2011 19:46:57   
3 Vandoren
Member

Don't double post!!!!

Universal ruleesssssss... GO!
Post #: 30
7/9/2011 15:28:47   
D1F3Forum
Member

@Necro:
10 bucks says u kill off Mushroom man...

Anyway, I like what you did...LOADS of mistakes...

quote:

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Nesanel said, not a question, more like a demand.

This should be more like:

""Isn't it wonderful?" Nesanel said. It wasn't as much of a question as it was a statement/demand.

Use whichever word you prefer, though the proper term would be statement as a demand is "YOU KNOW THIS AXE IS WONDERFUL!!!" lol

Another one:
quote:

“You can come with me.” Gavon removed his hand, seeing the young boy’s discomfort. “Today, and possible for a while, I travel to the surface.”
“Would you like to journey with me?” Gavon saw Faust’s eyes light up. He nodded.
“Then let us return to my group!” Gavon and Faust bounded over the stone spears.

1) "Possible" is actually spelled possibly

2) This section should be more like:

""You can come with me." Gavon removed his hand at the sight of the boys discomfort.
"Today, and possibly for a while, I travel to the surface. Would you like to journey with me?" Gavon questioned. Faust's eyes lit up at the words and nodded almost immediately. "Then let us return to the group!"
Gavon and Faust bounded over the stone spears on route back toward the group.

Just some proof reading there!!!
Anyway, I love how this story is coming along.

Oh and I might want to kick u out of the clan for what you just did...

Keep up the good work!!!

< Message edited by D1F3Forum -- 7/9/2011 15:30:42 >

_____________________________
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 31
7/9/2011 21:44:27   
bsteiny16
Member

It really is. And I beat the boss fight in the war. Took me 1 try, and 10 minutes.

Each of them had 1,900 health, so you can imagine how much it took to beat them. :D
AQ DF  Post #: 32
7/9/2011 22:27:47   
bsteiny16
Member

Found some things that I would REALLY want changed:

quote:

“I am Nesanel Wolfblade, descendant of the ancient Wolfblade family!” Nesanel shouted his voice sounded clear and strong. He pumped the illuminating object into the air.



Descendant of the ancient Wolfblade family? What kind of a 14 year old would say that? Just try "I am Nesanel Wolfblade!!!"

quote:

Its head was gold with a hint of orange


Nah. Try instead "It's head was gold, and when you held it, it felt like holding pure light." I came up with that after reading that sentence over.

< Message edited by bsteiny16 -- 7/9/2011 22:28:12 >
AQ DF  Post #: 33
7/9/2011 22:33:49   
D1F3Forum
Member

Mehehe...the royal proof reader makes good comments!!!
Yeah those make perfect sense!!!
...Necro...fix what I clarified...sorta...lol
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 34
7/9/2011 22:37:13   
bsteiny16
Member

Royal?

*My MQ guy was a decendant of the Wolfblades, and My DF guy was named after him. Yes, they are both very powerful.*
AQ DF  Post #: 35
7/9/2011 22:44:17   
D1F3Forum
Member

@Necro:
Can you plz not make Vae'n sound so wierd...and my idea would be that Vae'n is standing at the opening of the tunnel and captures you or one of my Ambassadors takes you back to the Nation...
Either way, you're not getting away with this!!!

@bsteiny:
Idk...it sounds royal...a descendant of the Wolfblades...
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 36
7/9/2011 22:47:17   
bsteiny16
Member

Yeah, but it sounds weird. I wouldn't say that. It....it just sounds too royal. Necro, make me sound less royal and more like a regular person starting from the next part of the story.
AQ DF  Post #: 37
7/9/2011 23:40:26   
3 Vandoren
Member

Yes, master bsteiny...

@D1F3:
Don't bet on cute little mushroom-man's lives!!!
Maybe now I will have to change the story, just to prove you wrong...
*Typity type type...*

< Message edited by Necro Berserk -- 7/11/2011 9:29:24 >
Post #: 38
7/10/2011 0:21:06   
bsteiny16
Member

Hmph. Well, could you change everything that I suggested? And about me acting too royal...that has to go. It's getting annoying and face it: Even YOU wouldn't talk like that.
AQ DF  Post #: 39
7/11/2011 11:33:01   
3 Vandoren
Member

@D1F3:
Of course I am not getting away with this...
HA.
HA.
HAHAHAHAHAAA!!
Post #: 40
7/11/2011 17:40:19   
D1F3Forum
Member

@Necro:
So I WAS right!!!
Muahahahaha!!!!

And you're right!!! No getting away from this one!!!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 41
7/11/2011 17:48:54   
bsteiny16
Member

I got a clan....yay.....

*Whistles*
AQ DF  Post #: 42
7/14/2011 12:52:01   
3 Vandoren
Member

A new (Long) post is up!
Who has died?
Or are they really dead?
Find out the answers now!
(Except for the answer to the second question!)
Post #: 43
7/15/2011 8:04:28   
bsteiny16
Member

quote:

The group had ridden the Route Slider for a good half-hour, and now all of their arms felt like they had broken, and then broken a few more times.


Lol. I cracked up at this.

Also, let me just use my axe from now on. Not counting from all the other parts till this new one. I mean starting right after this part of the story.

How about I drop the Blade of Twilight off a cliff somewhere and it shatters into 3 pieces:

"The Golden Twilight"

"The Silver Twilight"

and "The Bronze Twilight".

But we recover them sometime later.

How's that? :D

< Message edited by bsteiny16 -- 7/15/2011 8:13:43 >

_____________________________
AQ DF  Post #: 44
7/15/2011 14:05:19   
D1F3Forum
Member

@bsteiny:
You are REALLY pushing the envelope now!!! lol
I think your suggestion is pretty hilarious!!!

@Necro:
I have to admit that this was pretty well done...
I saw a few mistakes (Mostly wording), but all in all it was pretty fair!!!

I have ONE suggestion for you...
Instead of saying "said" after every quote, switch it up...
In my story I use stated, spat, exclaimed, questioned, replied, and finally said (But only if I don't feel any of those other words work)...

That's all for my critiques!!! All be here all week!!!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 45
7/17/2011 11:11:21   
3 Vandoren
Member

@D1F3:
I really try to do that, but I forgot alot.
Thanks though!
Post #: 46
7/19/2011 8:50:20   
bsteiny16
Member

Oh yeah, and I get the Blade of Awe in the future, just so you know.

Yup, My AQ guy is much more powerful than my DF guy. He's an UltraGuardian!!!! :P

(Same person, just at 22 instead of 17. Remember: Artix said that it's 5 years from DF's time....)
AQ DF  Post #: 47
7/19/2011 11:54:04   
3 Vandoren
Member

@bsteiny:
You keep making your guy more and more overpowered, so I don't think I am going to include the Blade of Awe in my story.
Post #: 48
7/19/2011 14:49:38   
bsteiny16
Member

No, no, no. I don't want the BoA in the story!

I'm just bragging that I have it in 5 years. :D

Now am I clearer?

< Message edited by bsteiny16 -- 7/19/2011 14:50:14 >
AQ DF  Post #: 49
7/23/2011 19:01:32   
3 Vandoren
Member

Sorry about the lack of new posts, I have been busy with family things, but I am free now.
So maybe now we will get to see some new posts!!!!!!!!
Post #: 50
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