Argeus the Paladin
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First thing first:
quote:
They walked for many miles, having ignored Kael’s own collection of vehicles (everything from beaten-down Cadillac to newest-release Jaguar, depending on the needs of the job) and many taxi cabs since.
I'd be damned, but IIRC Prince Kael'thas Sunstrider of the Blood Elves consorted with Outland demons rather than dragons. 
Okay, so I have to say this right now: This is definitely one of the better works in L&L these days. Hence, no comment on the technicalities, because you certainly would not need it. I'd instead focus on the more advanced parts.
First off, this is not a short story by definition, but rather the first chapter of a novel. A short story is, among other factors, self-contained. Which is the whole reason why it is so easy to write yet so hard to pull off well IMO - you have to develop your characters well, have a convincing, exciting and meaningful plot and wrap everything up within five thousand. Unless you are trying to have this be one of those stories that end abruptly on purpose so as to create a sense of mystery in the reader (which, given the kind of investment you've made trying to flesh out the characters, is a little hard to buy), I don't see how this can work out as a short story.
My biggest gripe with your work is that it is far too purple - which is to say, I believe you are trying too hard to make your prose sound colorful and poetic. This is a common error among fledging authors who think that trying to cram as many colorful similes and metaphors into the prose as possible is a sign of sophistication. In truth, if not well done it is nothing short of being distracting to the main plot the point of being counterproductive.
Let's look at my favorite sample.
quote:
Daylight had crawled back to his hole; and night, with his silver pelt, had emerged, victorious again. The arms of the smog embraced the city of London, reaching up towards the taller buildings amid the hard-to-glimpse stars. The river Thames ran through it like a broken bit of skin, blood dripping from it, the dirty water glimmering under the hungry, yellow moon.
The moon itself was winking faintly, a small crescent, dying like the rest of them. In the city, nothing was immortal. There was only now, and for one man, now seemed long enough.
As it happened, Kale Bentheart was asleep. Tossing and turning, his subconscious mind fed to him the same old images.
I've had to read about three times to understand that no, the story is not about the personification of day, night and London's lovely pollution, but a particular Kael'thas Sunstrider Kale Bentheart. Poetic? Yes. Pretty-sounding? Yes. Distracting to the plot-important elements? Heck yeah. The bad thing is, such imageries didn't just stop at the opening paragraph - they are everywhere. I would go into a long rant as to how purple prose is the death of today's YA novels, but that is neither here nor there.
Another thing I found troublesome is that the characters are, to be frank, quite cliched. Kale? Hello, Mr. Professional <insert supernatural creature here> Slayer With A Notch On His Shoulder And A Grudge Against A Particular Race He Can't Get Over. Linn? Greetings, Madame Mysterious Sundries Lady Upstreet Who May Or May Not Hold A Plot-Related Secret. Henry is the only character remotely unique, but I doubt the regular dragon, being so deeply infected with hubris, would be so happy to be slapped around by a human who had been made pretty clear was working under his employ. As such, apart from the dragon being a lot more humble than he should be, the first chapter read extremely predictably. Of course, there are times where this is a good thing, but IMO this is not one such occasion.
Unfortunately I can't really comment about the mythological accuracy of your feys, since I am not well acquainted with their mythos.
My final assessment is that which direction you take from here is entirely dependent on what you want to do next with it. Do you want to polish it to the point of being a publishable work? Do you want to keep it as a pet project to show your friends for fun and laughter? Or do you just want to have it be a "personal" work, something you write for yourself and nobody else? If you want to go on the less ambitious roads, then all the flaws I've mentioned above are absolutely fine. You have a piece of work that is relatively well written and, at least as far as this forum goes, you can be justifiably proud of.
If, however, you want to create something with the goal of publishing, then hear me - Scratch everything. No, I'm serious. Scratch everything except for the bare skeleton of your story. As it stands this story hits every single weak point that YA supernatural novels flaunt these days - cliched characters, purple prose and a setting that tries too hard to be mysterious and supernatural. It may sell to the right people, but even if it does, it will almost certainly be torn a new one by either professional critics or literary-inclined folks from Something Awful or Impish Idea.
As a closing word, please don't take this as a personal attack, and my apologies if it sounds that way. You have great potential as a writer, and because of that I feel obliged to give frank opinion to help you improve. Also, keep in mind that all of the above is just my personal assessment. I am no professional editor - far from it - and my opinion should always be taken with a grain of salt.
Good luck on your future endeavors, and battle on!
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