(HS) Sisters in Arms Discussion


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1/6/2012 21:22:04

Arachnid
Member

This is the discussion thread for me and Syrena's backstory, Sisters in Arms.
The story is here.

Feedback is wonderful. Good, bad, ugly, it doesn't matter. My goal is to be as great of a writer as Clown the Jester and Gray Silhouette. So I need feedback.

~Lady Zafara

< Message edited by Arachnid -- 1/18/2012 17:41:49 >

_____________________________

Check out my 3D anime art!
Check out my deviantart to follow me!

AQW

Post #: 1

1/6/2012 22:10:56

blankmaskara
Member

(Maybe you can use the tab button?)

Anyways, the prologue is pretty interesting, although I'm wondering why the two vampire sisters were in a warzone because I usually expect and envision vampires as mere observers.

Aside from that, I'm excited to see what happens next!

Post #: 2

1/6/2012 23:29:51

Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!

Now, to read your story's prologue... I think it shall be quite interesting.

Hmm... Seems like WWI, or WWII, neither of which I do not believe occured in Lore... which means things just got even more interesting... Lore, in fact, has very few guns in general.

And yes... very strange markers for a sniper rifle's scope. Neon, hmm? I didn't know they used gasses in the indicators on such scopes... in fact, I don't think they do, because they can be used without electricity, and neon only glows WITH electric currents going through it, and the glow given off probably wouldn't be very good for missions at night... I suppose you could have meant that it just seemed to be neon, but meh. Doesn't matter that much... but it does make me wonder how they actually mark scope reticles...

You may want to use pronouns other than just "soldier", when refering to the men out there. Too much of a single word can cause an awkward feeling to the story.

I also note that it is specified to be a German soldier, which further increases my suspicions with regards to where that actually takes place.

Looking out of the scope while manipulating the bolt.. Hmm... Many would keep it honed on its target, but I suppose you aren't in a prone possition, and you need to be on the move, presumably, so that's probably actually the better way of doing it.

You say 3k at the very least, and then say 500 to 350,000. While I can understand you may have meant only 3 thousand you can see, and then your intelligence leads you to believe there are 350k enemies, but putting those figures so close together, and without sufficient explanation, makes it confusing, which you don't want.

Even vampires... against 350,000, their troops would be overrun, their limbs too tired, and the battle having taken too long for them to defeat their enemy. In geurilla warfare, that could work, perhaps, but on a battlefield, your side would still be vastly disadvantaged... I'd almost say that your clothing would be damaged to the point of falling off at the end, because it doesn't have the benefit the skin does, but you'd be close enough to the enemy that the bullets wouldn't factor in enough to rip your clothing off by the end of it, thankfully, as that would be very awkward, especially if you somehow got captured...

This makes me wonder if the 350k figure may have been a typo, however...

I do like how you crafted that scene, though... very nice. It also brings to light the fact that Syrena is narrating it. That was an interesting twist. I thought you might have it not from anyone in particular's PoV, but THIS is interesting...

Collapsable arrow... I wonder how that effects long-range accuracy. Hmm...

Three thousand dead in such a short time, but leaving her panting, proving my previous point... if there really were 350k, their allies would have been overrun, especially with snipers, grenadiers, heavy machineguns, perhaps... Not fun.

Ouch... bullets to the gut are not fun, especially if it nicks your spinal collumn, which makes it much worse... I mean, she'll might shortly get up, having consumed so much blood in such a short time (or at least regenerate, if she fell unconcious), but still. Pain is not a very joyful experience, to most people.

Bursting into flames, and dying thereof... Hmm... I'd say that was probably for the best. Horrible things were done in those days... War, but still. He was probably already wounted rather severely from the flames on her body, anyway... I almost said the flames on your body. Ugh... commenting can be comfusing, at times, when you are reading and commenting at about the same time. :/

Makes me wonder if her bat wings were still sprouted while carrying Zafara back, even though her aura had faded.

And so, the call for the medic goes out, and the chapter ends. A rather nice start, I think. Very well worded, enjoyable, and altogether a spectacular prologue. I await the time at which more shall be released.

_____________________________

Post #: 3

1/7/2012 0:58:29

star screamer
Member

If this amazing story takes place in WWII
you could have met me when I had no memory of who I was. (Stephen Fear)
Or maybe in WWI when I was just a young lad.

AQW

Post #: 4

1/7/2012 8:32:43

Arachnid
Member

quote:

(Maybe you can use the tab button?)

All it seems to do is highlight the website URL in the search box.
Most likely because I have a mac, but meh.

quote:

two vampire sisters

I needed someone to say this.
Just to clarify, they're not both vampires, just Zafara. And their not truly sisters, they're like the best sort of friendship you can have.

quote:

Neon, hmm?

I changed it to neon colored to prevent confusion :p

quote:

You may want to use pronouns other than just "soldier"

I don't really know what else to use o.o I was thinking the same thing when I was writing it.

quote:

This makes me wonder if the 350k figure may have been a typo, however...

It was, now it is fixed.

quote:

Collapsable arrow... I wonder how that effects long-range accuracy. Hmm...

It's a two piece arrow. The front point with the point and half the shaft, the back part with the fletchings and the rest of the shaft. You just screw 'em together, so accuracy isn't affected. Awesome tech.

quote:

I mean, she'll might shortly get up, having consumed so much blood in such a short time

Oh, that wasn't her blood that she lost, it was all of the blood she had just drank from the soldiers.

quote:

If this amazing story takes place in WWII
you could have met me when I had no memory of who I was. (Stephen Fear)
Or maybe in WWI when I was just a young lad.

WWII was what I was a goin' for.

Thank ya guys for the compliments/comments/feedback, t is very much appreciated! ^^

~Lady Zafara

AQW

Post #: 5

1/7/2012 8:58:33

star screamer
Member

I hope to fight along side you. /e does funny salute

AQW

Post #: 6

1/7/2012 12:01:07

Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!

Personally, I would use "men" or "Germans", sometimes, and there was even one circumstance where you could have just given their number, instead of adding soldier afterwords.

Immediately after I read it was in two parts, I knew it wouldn't. XP

*facepalms* Should have cought that... You actually specifically specified being hit in the stomache, and I read it as if you meant the gut in general... horrible.

Good to know it was in the SECOND Great War. The way you worded it made it relatively uncertain, but I was leaning more towards WWII. :)

Post #: 7

1/7/2012 14:26:14

Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows

Hmm, quite a bit of bloodshed for the start of the story, but it does help set up how powerful these sisters are. From the way it ended, did the other soldiers not know of their power, or just intimidated?
As for the indentation thing, these forums can't use it for whatever reason, so many of us just leave spaces between paragraphs as a substitute.
Well, I am intrigued about what happens to these sisters- and how this will tie into HS. On that note, is this before or after the Pandora incident?

AQW

Epic

Post #: 8

1/7/2012 16:29:45

Arachnid
Member

quote:

As for the indentation thing, these forums can't use it for whatever reason, so many of us just leave spaces between paragraphs as a substitute.

I have four spaces before each paragraph, but that didn't work...Ima try to find other ways =/

quote:

On that note, is this before or after the Pandora incident?

Depends. Was the Pandora incident before, or after WWII?
I'd assume after, but hey.

On a side note, yay! I have an AK commenting on my story! =D

~Lady Zafara

AQW

Post #: 9

1/7/2012 20:24:26

Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows

It can't be done in any way- trust me, I've tried them. I dunno, its an internet thing I guess.
Hmm, I forgot HS hasn't given a date for that... so if this is before that incident, I wonder how those two got their powers? Vampire is one thing, flaming fairy/demon is another... I may have answered my own question.
And yes, getting to comment an AK is pretty cool

AQW

Epic

Post #: 10

1/8/2012 21:36:44

Shadowlord9k
Member

Arachnid:

quote:

All it seems to do is highlight the website URL in the search box.
Most likely because I have a mac, but meh.

Write it in TextEdit then. Or just hit the space bar a few extra times.

quote:

quote:

You may want to use pronouns other than just "soldier"

I don't really know what else to use o.o I was thinking the same thing when I was writing it.

Fellow fighter, companion, warrior, something French, Allies, friends, steve, or use a thesaurus.

quote:

It's a two piece arrow. The front point with the point and half the shaft, the back part with the fletchings and the rest of the shaft. You just screw 'em together, so accuracy isn't affected. Awesome tech.

Actually it would effect accuracy due to the part where it fits together being oddly shaped.

I'll read the story later.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 11

1/8/2012 22:45:22

Goldstein
Member

Poor sniper guy! I feel bad for him, for some reason. I mean, he just saw all of his friends killed, and right when he thinks he's avenged them, oops, he's ash now. Too bad, really.

I suggest spaces to prevent that dreaded "wall of text" effect. It hurts the eyes.

Post #: 12

1/9/2012 17:17:49

Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!

To be fair, SL9K, that depends entirely on how the arrow parts connect. For example, if one of them had the connecting end hollowed out with specially made grooves inside it for the connection, and the other is narrower on that end, and shaped specifically to fit inside that hollowed out end, with hardly any air between them, if any, and a very tight seal, well, then it would not be bulging outwards at all, and those tiny bits inside that are not containing arrow materials would hardly offset the balance at all, especially if the connecting joints were made out of a slightly heavier material (though I doubt they were that advanced in arrow design in WWII, most of the research focused on other things, and all). It would work, and work well.

I agree, though, the story needs to have spaced out paragraphs. I am doing just such a thing in this very post, and you can easily tell that these are different paragraphs, eh?

DF	Post #: 13

1/12/2012 13:57:47

Clown the Jester
Member

Ooh...violent. I like it.

Grand prolouge. can't wait to see where it is going.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 14

1/13/2012 19:43:04

Arachnid
Member

quote:

I suggest spaces to prevent that dreaded "wall of text" effect. It hurts the eyes.

I have four spaces before each paragraph.
Nothing seems to work...Maybe if I had a random period or something before the spaces...

~Lady Zafara

EDIT: The period thing works, but it looks...odd.

< Message edited by Arachnid -- 1/13/2012 19:44:32 >

AQW	Post #: 15

1/13/2012 23:01:09

Shadowlord9k
Member

Drakkoniss:
If the arrows were hollow, they would be inaccuracies and lack of power.

quote:

though I doubt they were that advanced in arrow design in WWII,

Arrows are not as efficient as bullets.

quote:

I agree, though, the story needs to have spaced out paragraphs.

I think I know how.
Zafara: I think I know a way to make the periods blend in a bit more. I can probably get a more precise color blend for it later but for now try either:
ColorCode EBDDE2
ColorCode 6D7B8D
With a period and spaces to help it blend.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 16

1/14/2012 10:47:57

Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!

I didn't mean completely hollow; I meant a very small area where the arrows connect together, and not extending any further than that. If the space is filled up (which it will be, by the end of the other arrow), it will work just about as if it weren't hollowed out at all. There would be SOME effecting the accuracy, obviously, mut it would be miniscule at best. Power would not drop off significantly, either. I'd say the first one, with regards to the colors, btw. Nice idea.

< Message edited by Drakkoniss -- 1/14/2012 10:48:36 >

DF	Post #: 17

1/15/2012 18:19:31

Arachnid
Member

quote:

Zafara: I think I know a way to make the periods blend in a bit more. I can probably get a more precise color blend for it later but for now try either:
ColorCode EBDDE2
ColorCode 6D7B8D
With a period and spaces to help it blend.

That worked perfectly! Thank you sooooo much! ^^

And on the arrows...
It's a story. Syrena had massive wings coming from her back. It's not supposed to be that realistic.

~Lady Zafara

AQW	Post #: 18

1/18/2012 22:29:30

Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!

HUZZAH!!!!!!! CHAPTER ONE HAS BEGUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now, let the reading commence. :)

Huntresses, as in members of the group of immortals sponsered and under the lead of Artemis? Interesting... That would explain why Artemis was the one to meet me, as well as Syrena's saying she agrees with Artemis' oppinions on males, or at least thought it was somewhat valid... I don't remember her exact wording, and my mind is slightly clouded at the moment. :/
It would also explain a few other things... and gives me a clearer picture of certain things that are going to happen.

Good to have an even more detailed statement of the differences between a lycanthrope and a werewolf.

I can imagine why they are hunting her... and while I doubt she will succeed in power removal, if she does, well... that could make for a very interesting turn of events.

I can still see the "...", but only very faintly. It worked quite well, indeed.

Even with my ability to harden myself to the effects of others' feelings, with my empathy, (not as a power, but a natural ability of mine to feel the pain of others, and much of the time to pick up the emotions lying in them) and my imagination and knowledge, the scene of Luna's death saddens me. A deep well of pity and sorrow at the plight of they who have been cursed with lycanthropy yet lingers within me, and it has me thinking about developing a cure again... science and magic, so different, yet... there is a connection, because science is the knowledge of things, not the application. With the power I have at my disposal, I imagine it to be possible, though I have had far too little experience dealing with their kind, nor spending time experimenting for such a thing, either...

They... They being The Huntresses, or those two in particular?

Interesting connection shown between the two... Hmm...

And no, I think it not strange. I agree that the killing of them is or was an unfortunately unavoidable necessity, for the sakes of others, but more's the pity, knowing they are unable to control themselves, and afflicted by a baneful plague of the flesh and spirit. Horrible, horrible thing, to have such a burden hanging over you.
Unfortunate; Pitiful; Cruel; Harsh; Despicable. Noone should have to be killed for such a thing, and yet it is...

*face contorts into a snarling look of distaste*... yes. Zeus... yet another thing to hate about the actions of his past. Sowing disorder and evil upon the land, as if there were a remnant of the Titans' barbarism in his heart, instead of dealing with the one person.

Never to be a hero, she says... Dark thoughts, seeming hopelessness. A reference to a clown... wretched situation. Noone should have to pay for the actions of an ancient evil, one commited by a man, or that of the more powerful creature that made the situation worse... To punish mankind for the worst, darkest, most evil parts of it, and to bring it out in the future generations of man brings bile into my heart.
Curses... there shall be justice, one day. All shall recieve the fruits of their laybors, and reap what they have sewn. All...

*breathes a deep sigh*... but there is yet hope.

DF	Post #: 19

1/18/2012 22:55:43

Goldstein
Member

I'm hoping a witch hunter from Salem somehow saves poor Moon.

Post #: 20

1/19/2012 10:10:54

Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!

For some reason, I imagine them actually having mercy on her, and letting Saphire live, and then one of them (because it would get somewhat redundant/be difficult to do in a short ammount of time) getting slapped for her foolishness by Artemis (the one who made the decision/convinced the other, presumably, if they don't come to it at once), as sob stories are to be expected, when you are dealing with creatures such as them.

DF	Post #: 21

1/19/2012 16:27:45

star screamer
Member

Vampires, werewolves, Lycans...
I remember a time, long ago... longer than my human life.
When was that? I don't know. But what I do know
is that even centuries ago, back in say medieval times,
they still all hated each other.
Even my old pal Drako, also known currently as Dracula
hated them. And of course you hunters of Artemis make it worse by
hunting them? Bah, I detest most gods...
Even that Apollo kid. I hate him. Demios, Ares, Phoebos, Hades and
all those guys are cool though, they're great friends!

Artemis hates boys... Of course I've known that for awhile.
Hunters of Artemis, can only die in battle meaning semi-immortality
their pledge to never fall in love with a boy... intrigues me, I mean boys don't have cooties!

AQW	Post #: 22

1/19/2012 18:14:37

Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!

To be fair, that pact seems to have been nullified or broken, at least for Zafara, if not Syrena (though I don't think she is in service to Artemis anymore), considering my current relationship with her.

DF	Post #: 23

1/29/2012 16:29:35

Goldstein
Member

If the narrator's neck was broken, then how did he, then how...is he a ghost? =O

Anyway, creepy. Demonic (is that what that was?) possession is always to be taken seriously. It didn't possess him very long, though, did it?

Post #: 24

1/29/2012 18:37:22

Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!

Interesting comment, Strebor. I think I'll see what you're talking about, around now.

I hate the Salem witch trials... I believe there was at least one witch in Salem, or at the very least, someone practicing the accult, but to the degree death in the actual trials? It's almost as if the authorities were being controled by the witches. Such a horrible farce, they were, especially in such a religious community. Such hatred and treachery. Such horrible lack of logic in many of the convictions. Such unnecessary pain and suffering, to the point it compares to the Spanish Inquisition in its exploits.

Full moons... Powerful time for magic. So many rituals cruxed upon such times. The solstices might make for more powerful magic, but the full moon can be used more often, and is tied to quite a few ancient magics.

Hmm... Reminds me of the ancient oracles... Odd moment For such a prophesy to be uttered, but I suppose such an interuption... has purpose. Interesting foretelling, most certainly. Quite a few things, it could mean, but if what I think it is is so, then there shall be a show of rage in those days, and its target shall pay for his transgressions.

Why not use a mortal to relay it? That has been the way since times of old, anyway.

Not to kill her in her wolf form? Now what sport is there in that, then? It's just chasing a scared little girl, who has no control of what she does. Should it be punishment, wishing her to feel her pain, it is a meaningless risk, leaving her able to kill yet more while her Lycanthropy peaks. Ridiculous, not killing a lycanthrope when it's actually dangerous, even with that mortal right there, and yet saying they do what they do to protect them. I truly hope there is a good reason for such dictations, or else, it grieves me, the idea of such commands.

I apologize, Artemis, in case you should read this. I do not mean to be rude to you, but I am irritated by certain ideas as to the meaning of the prophesy, among other things occuring with people I know.
I do indeed hope there is a good reason for that dictate, and I presumed you were the one to give it for obvious reasons. Regarless, it is in the past, and I suppose we may just be better off for it, considering the later friendship Zafara has with Saphire, and the things she has probably done to protect and aid her in her efforts. If it was a bad choice, which it may or may not be, it is one that I shall not view you badly for. We all have made mistakes in the past, and we all have regrets, even if you have none from this.

Hmm... Killing him even after the lecture about protecting the lives of mortals... Just decided to after Syrena was gone, which makes Syrena seem to have higher morals than you, and brings up questions about just what happened to Syrena, later. Perhaps she is not like she was untill shortly before The Games, but it makes me wonder what happened to cause her to be so. I can understand why you might have less reluctance to take a human life, as well, especially in such circumstances, and in such a place as Salem.

DF	Post #: 25

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