(Pre-DF) Past Present Discussion (Rewrite in progress)


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1/16/2012 20:27:28

Glais
Member

Hey all, I decided to write a story and...stuff so yeah. Read it.
Or don't, that's fine too I guess.
But you really should.
Past Present

< Message edited by Glais -- 1/24/2013 11:09:38 >

Post #: 1

1/16/2012 21:27:33

lordkaho
Creative!

Ancient relics buried underneath cities were never up to no good. Why else would it be buried deep underground if not for the potential danger it can cause? Oh you crazy scholars.

Anyway, I think Zogg, being an Orc, just WANTED an excuse to fight.

Post #: 2

1/16/2012 21:29:36

Glais
Member

I tried to write him as such. Zogg's pretty crazy. He might appear again, depends on whether he was one of the killed (obviously xP).
Course, HAD they fought, he would've lost...badly (and, being a High DL, Zogg is no pushover). But the actual reason why is important to the distant future of the plot.

EDIT:Made some minor changes to the dialogue, particularly I lengthened Zogg and Valdur's conversation to make Zogg into more of a hothead. Also added a bit on Saru.
She's going to shape up to be an interesting character...

< Message edited by Glais -- 1/24/2013 11:13:41 >

Post #: 3

1/17/2012 9:27:13

Mordred
Member

It's a good start, but you make use of several sentence fragments. "Having fancy Draconic carvings on the wall's lamps, a regal tablecloth adorned in many designs fitting a DragonLord safeguard, and a chandelier lit with magical ever glowing orbs of light amongst other items." is not a proper sentence. Use of punctuation(especially the semicolon) will greatly help in this respect and help the story flow more. As it is, it feels a tad broken up because the train of thought is interrupted by these phrases that aren't actual sentences on their own. For example:

quote:

In response, the newest king, Drahzn SlugWrath, had issued for the DragonLords to wipe out the south. For DragonLords were his ultimate weapons.

will become:

quote:

In response, the newest king, Drahzn SlugWrath, had issued for the DragonLords to wipe out the south, for they were his ultimate weapons.

Post #: 4

1/17/2012 10:38:31

Glais
Member

Ok thanks, I'll get to fixing things like that then.

The room-describing sentence was always weird, I may just remove it...
EDIT:Yeah removed, I never liked it anyways.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 1/17/2012 10:48:42 >

Post #: 5

1/17/2012 13:18:23

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

It has an interesting start, but could you please add to which race the elves belong? I cannot tell if I should picture Saru as a Water, Sand or Ice Elf (not even counting the ones that inhabit Greenguard).

AQW

Post #: 6

1/17/2012 18:13:44

Glais
Member

Oh right, I will add that, as soon as I find the terminology for it. Thanks for reading though.

Um, I'm attempting to edit it (decided she's a water elf) but I can't access my story. It says access denied, help?

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 1/17/2012 18:21:11 >

Post #: 7

1/17/2012 18:33:09

lordkaho
Creative!

Speculah taimu!

Does the protagonists' half giant blood play any part to them being the 'chosen ones'? Other than the white hair part of course.

Post #: 8

1/17/2012 18:37:28

Mordred
Member

Well, the children are presumably "only" quarter giant. Their father's half giant, and since I doubt the mother is too, that means the giant blood will be diluted further.

Post #: 9

1/17/2012 18:40:36

Glais
Member

Pretty much. The white hair is far more important (though, I admit, I haven't figured out HOW exactly). Zairo's giant-ness shows up as he ages (he's the size of a normal 4 year old now).

Vendagar's not a giant, he comes from somewhere far to the south (think the DragonClaw Isle area) and was brought to StoneFang for unknown reasons.
This is going off the Guardians in DF's account that AQ's zone is to the south of course, I realize the maps don't quite match that.

Post #: 10

1/17/2012 18:42:47

Mordred
Member

The region of AQ is south-east, and DF does reflect that. Just saiyan. :P

What the devil could be special about hair color, I wonder? :P

Post #: 11

1/17/2012 18:45:25

Glais
Member

Alright, then that has to do with it. it was mainly inspired on how obscure the Southern Islands were in Bionicle, which I'm a huge fan of.

As for the hair, I'm working on that xP What happened is I noticed that me and my brother always give our characters white hair. it'd be somewhat odd if both protagonists had the same hair color, and yet it meant nothing. It also gives reason as to why they're selected as the new weapon, since without that, any other infant could've been chosen.

Post #: 12

1/17/2012 18:45:36

lordkaho
Creative!

@Mordred

I stand corrected. Forgot about heredity and all that.

@Glaisuarus

quote:

This is going off the Guardians in DF's account that AQ's zone is to the south of course, I realize the maps don't quite match that.

Medival style cartography wasn't exactly very reliable. Then again, we have crystal balls and magic for map making.

Post #: 13

1/18/2012 1:18:17

Glais
Member

And well, even so Vendagar has no relation to them. So the giant-ness has nothing to do with it.

As for the map, I don't know. I just figured it was a decent premise for Deidelus' excavation.

spoiler:

And as for the white hair, I'm considering it...a signal. For something important. You might be able to make the connection already, but if I give a hint it will be terribly obvious.

And it's been added that Saru is a Water Elf.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 1/18/2012 1:51:10 >

Post #: 14

1/21/2012 20:13:21

Glais
Member

Alright so the prologue's been updated considerably, with more of an ending (albeit a sort of random one, I'll need help making it more....fitting) and I've extended and changed early dialogue in the Valdur sections.

The "room" bit's been entirely changed so as to make it seem grander and more fitting of the Order of DragonLords.

So yeah, fixes? Contradictions? Comment away if you so wish.

Post #: 15

1/21/2012 20:53:54

Mordred
Member

I quite like the addition of the Coliseum. ^^

So, it seems Kathool's up to mindtwisting shenanigans...

Post #: 16

1/21/2012 20:57:39

Glais
Member

Yeah. I had a lot of inspiration from your take on the DL Order. So I meant to make mine feel more...vast and important. Before it was just a small room which is pretty boring.

And it seemed Kathool'd been popping up everywhere, and I needed conflict for the ending, so thus he fit :D
Plus, it gives me a chance to give the reader an outline of what'll happen in the future.
I even considered making the captain Davey, but that may have been too much...

Post #: 17

1/21/2012 22:19:29

Razen
Member

Corrections time, of course.

quote:

The King's decreed for a "sweep" as he calls it, of the Southern Kingdom.

Since it's already inside of a conversion, it should just be 'sweep'.

quote:

Betraying our King goes against the "honor" you speak of!

Again, 'honor'.

quote:

But I would like our "family" here to see what the DragonLord Order has come to.

Once again! 'family'.

quote:

Here let me take hat from you...

*that

Anyways, seems MUCH better revised.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 18

1/21/2012 22:24:04

Glais
Member

All fixed, and thanks for reading :D

Yeah I like the dialogue here better too, Valdur getting interrupted so soon felt rather odd.

I'm still unsure on the Kathool bit, but I will leave it for now, I may be able to use it in the future.

EDIT:Alright added ONE LAST THING. There's now a section on Valdur's efforts to save the city. It should offer insight as to what exactly happened. Sorry for it being so late.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 1/22/2012 2:46:05 >

Post #: 19

1/22/2012 5:02:25

lordkaho
Creative!

quote:

The flames seemed unearthly for normal fire would've left at a mere thought.

This sounds oddly phrased. I suggest rewording it.

Anyway, wow this has all been pretty gripping. The entire disaster somehow reminds me of a certain quest in Skyrim of what would've happened had Ancano got total control of the Eye of Magnus.

And mindscrew? Yep, that definitely sounds like Kathool is in da house! Very interesting so far, Glaisaurus. Keep it up.

I'm eager to know what this "anomaly from beneath the world" is.

Post #: 20

1/22/2012 7:23:29

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

quote:

The citizens were eager to await their leader's decision of a very important matter.

quote:

"Now, we may have been allies for many years my brother, but what you speak of...is heresy. Betraying our King goes against the 'honor' you speak of! Our order would be reduced to mercenary thugs, acting as our own force of nature. Despicable, that you would even suggest betraying SlugWrath. I think it is only fitting that we gain a new leader, as such I challenge you for leadership!"

It would seem at first that Saru challenged Valdur as he was having a conversation with her.

quote:

Now, all she sense was screaming and pain.

sensed

quote:

Saru had never known anything of this sort, especially nothing so powerful as to cancel out her ability to sense life.

experienced, like this

AQW

Post #: 21

1/22/2012 12:48:20

Glais
Member

Thanks, will correct those now. Should've read over it again once I finished. Was tired sorry, it was a last minute addition.

EDIT:Changed it...though, the "Known...of this sort" bit was already there so...?

But besides that, everything else should be all cleared up, thanks for the help.

quote:

I'm eager to know what this "anomaly from beneath the world" is.

It will actually show up all the time, you just won't know it until the end.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 1/22/2012 13:08:33 >

Post #: 22

1/22/2012 20:07:28

lordkaho
Creative!

I take it that the "thing" would still be around by DF's time then. By the way, the Dragonlord Order sure are hardcore supporters of their king.

Post #: 23

1/22/2012 22:07:46

Glais
Member

Yeah I think I had Inquisition stuck in my head writing them. Oh well, at the very least, Drahzn's not hostile to the Elves, Orcs, etc. so there's some reason there.

spoiler:

Yes, the "entity" will likely appear at the grand finale, which is predictable enough. I am wondering if anyone will be able to spot it beforehand...

quote:

Anyway, wow this has all been pretty gripping. The entire disaster somehow reminds me of a certain quest in Skyrim of what would've happened had Ancano got total control of the Eye of Magnus.

And mindscrew? Yep, that definitely sounds like Kathool is in da house! Very interesting so far, Glaisaurus. Keep it up.

I'm eager to know what this "anomaly from beneath the world" is.

Thanks! I think that last bit really added to it (which, it was actually Razen's idea, good call there buddy). As for what the Anomaly is exactly, I need to decide whether it's too spoilerish to reveal it...but oh well.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 9/24/2012 17:02:51 >

Post #: 24

1/23/2012 2:04:43

lordkaho
Creative!

spoiler:

Speaking of the Inquisition, will any of the DL order under Drahzn Slugwrath's rule survive to meet Alteon's Inquisitors?

Post #: 25

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