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RE: (Pre-DF) Past Present Discussion (Rewrite in progress)

 
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9/2/2012 21:07:45   
lordkaho
Creative!


spoiler:



The Nature Orb?
DF MQ  Post #: 276
9/2/2012 21:10:00   
Glais
Member

Yes.
spoiler:

He figures it's just something he can use to gain power quickly. But don't worry, this isn't the last we'll see of Rouan.
DF MQ  Post #: 277
9/3/2012 6:06:34   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


@lordkaho:

spoiler:

The Earth Orb, nobody aside from Lord Valorus knew about his little accident. Which makes it all the more suspicious how Trey knew about the Nature Orb in the first place.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 278
9/3/2012 14:36:27   
Razen
Member

*Finally back to read this stuff!*

quote:

He struggled out of the snow which he'd apparently been lying in the entire time.


Lying needs to be laying. Surprised that no one noticed that.


quote:

Vendagar quickly turned towards Zairo with a terrified look on hus face.


Hus should probably be his.

So, basically Rouan stuck 'em up on a mountain and Emotion to the Rescue because they have nice hair. Nice one, Glai. Also, nice to see some descriptions about their adoptive parents finally.


< Message edited by Razen -- 9/3/2012 17:48:42 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 279
9/3/2012 17:30:41   
Glais
Member

Yes, it makes oh soooo much sense.

I did at least try to get rid of Emotion being a Deus ex Machina anyways. Hence all the other junk they had to go through in the mountain. Emotion just showed em the way out.

Rouan's a bit of an egotistical jerk, so I figured something that stupid was in character.

As for the hair thing, well I'd tried to write it in a way that it was obvious there were other reasons, whatever they might be.
spoiler:

Basically Emotion knows something about their family/white hair/etc.


And yeah, the parents were lacking...everything.

Will get to those fixes.


< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 9/3/2012 17:32:45 >
DF MQ  Post #: 280
9/3/2012 17:45:07   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

Lying needs to be laying. Surprised that no one noticed that.


@Razen: That would be because the original was correct. Laying an egg or lying on the couch. I'll put out a quote for you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lay

lay has been used intransitively in the sense of “lie” since the 14th century. The practice was unremarked until around 1770; attempts to correct it have been a fixture of schoolbooks ever since. Generations of teachers and critics have succeeded in taming most literary and learned writing, but intransitive lay persists in familiar speech and is a bit more common in general prose than one might suspect. Much of the problem lies in the confusing similarity of the principal parts of the two words. Another influence may be a folk belief that lie is for people and lay is for things. Some commentators are ready to abandon the distinction, suggesting that lay is on the rise socially. But if it does rise to respectability, it is sure to do so slowly: many people have invested effort in learning to keep lie and lay distinct. Remember that even though many people do use lay for lie, others will judge you unfavorably if you do.

Examples of LAY
Lay the fabric carefully on the table.
He laid a gentle hand on her shoulder.
She laid the baby in his crib for a nap.
When will they lay the foundation for the addition?
lay tracks for the new railroad
They laid him in his grave.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 281
9/3/2012 17:48:30   
Razen
Member

@DDL: Ah, well, I recall there being some time ago where I had done a similar thing to Glai and someone called me out on it. Confound English and its bizarre grammatical rules. I'll need to go and cross that out now. >_>

@Glai: The hair thing's fine, just added a bit of much needed humor to the moment.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 282
9/26/2012 2:36:13   
Glais
Member

Chapter 5 is updated, but I'm not too happy with it so I'll be messing around with it until I get some better ideas. Prologue-4 were flowing so well but I just don't know how to make this one WORK.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 9/28/2012 19:11:03 >
DF MQ  Post #: 283
10/3/2012 17:27:27   
Glais
Member

Apologies for the bump. I've had a bit of a writer's block lately so I've decided this story simply needs a break. I'll be continuing once November starts and as of now will be working in two collaborations in the meantime. See you all then.
DF MQ  Post #: 284
11/18/2012 3:43:31   
Glais
Member

So after a month long hiatus, Chapter 5 is finally done. Some...interesting plot things should be revealed for those clever enough to make some connections. The last segment is difficult for me, so sorry if it sounds really corny or stupid. I welcome suggestions as always.

Things to keep in mind/notes for the future.
>In this draft, Z&V no longer know the identities of their parents. They have vague memories as any 4 year old child would, but the exact individuals are unknown.
>Innocentius will not be dying as soon as he did the first time around. I'd like to make his plot a bit more important.
>Sarkalos will likely be introduced a lot later than he was before, as it was somewhat silly how I brought him in last time. I need to think out the Prison better as well.
>3rd Big bad to be revealed.

spoiler:

Zahaar is also a pretty big hint as to what Senyaza might be doing ;D


Have fun.
Or don't.
Your choice.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 11/18/2012 3:44:13 >
DF MQ  Post #: 285
11/18/2012 15:37:33   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


I keep forgetting that your story is being edited and thus not on top.

Let's go over it, shall we?

quote:

She twirled a finger through her brown hair, as she was wont to do when in deep thought.

What are you trying to say here?

quote:

"I mean, sure you told use about this sort of thing when we were young but...did you honestly expect us to believe that?!?"

us

quote:

"I'm simply going to have to as you both to just...trust me."

I don't quite follow what he's saying here.



Well, the chapter seems pretty nice. With this rewrite, are you going to make it 950+ years prior to DF?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 286
11/18/2012 16:24:35   
Glais
Member

I'll just rewrite that one sentence. Not..exactly sure what I meant, and it looks silly in retrospect.
As for the year gap, well...Hall of Memories is no longer a part of the plot, so 950 is viable. Depends on what things I want to tie into DF but making it a bigger distance would be a bit more fun to me.
DF MQ  Post #: 287
12/4/2012 22:11:22   
lordkaho
Creative!


Innocentius has a token crush...Well that was definitely a sight to see. Though I feel that scenarios with 'queen meets up with the King's most trusted bodyguard' don't end well, usually for the latter. Though considering what the future chapters are about, I won't be surprised.

As for Vendegar and Zairo's foster parents about them moving away, I can understand how they feel right now, especially Culatello.




DF MQ  Post #: 288
12/4/2012 22:55:26   
Glais
Member

It's not so much a crush or at least...I didn't intend for it to be that way.
If it were I honestly doubt I could write that effectively though :V

I still intend to rewrite the last section as it just feels...terrible, but I suppose I'll come back to that later, no need to dwell on it now.
Thanks for the reading/comment though, appreciated as always.
DF MQ  Post #: 289
12/13/2012 21:39:38   
Razen
Member

Finally got to reading Chapter 5...and, well, for the most part, you need commas around the breaks in the dialogue each time that Vendagar has the term "dad" in his dialogue.

As for Zahaar the Red, I would hope to see him...he sounds interesting and to be a potentially cool guy.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 290
12/13/2012 22:43:06   
Glais
Member

Duly noted. My punctuation's gotten pretty weak lately. Making a lot more mistakes than usual.

That he is. Actually he's sort of...the opposite of Sepulchure in a lot of ways.

At the same time he's different from Senyaza, who's incredibly laid back (but has similar goals).
Zahaar is basically the type who's somewhat beyond his civilization, and thus viewed as slightly crazy.

But who else would stage a full on assault against a museum?

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 12/13/2012 22:59:13 >
DF MQ  Post #: 291
12/14/2012 10:40:07   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


@glaisaurus_x: Anyone who knows of a powerful and rare artefact delivered to said museum by a Surehunter.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 292
12/14/2012 11:30:11   
Glais
Member

Most people don't have armies ~_^
DF MQ  Post #: 293
1/24/2013 13:19:28   
Glais
Member

After an incredibly long hiatus, Chapter 6 has begun.
I...took a lot from Razen in inspiration here.
Dialogue feels a little shaky to me though, will probably change it later.

Trying to work on my descripting abilities, I really am ;_;
spoiler:

I will be introducing Antagonist Number 3 here though, even though 2 (Sarkalos) hasn't technically appeared yet


< Message edited by Glais -- 1/24/2013 13:22:45 >
DF MQ  Post #: 294
1/24/2013 13:29:05   
VanHellsin24
Banned


Ack! I have a lot to catch up on!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 295
1/24/2013 14:04:50   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


Heh, trendy.

quote:

The golden pyramid of Sek-Duat the third stood proudly as the centerpiece of his kingdom.

In the overview above the prologue you state that the story plays 100 years prior to DF. I believe that is no longer accurate.

quote:

Under normal circumstances this epicenter of trade of wealth would be .

I beg your pardon?

quote:

Judging by the end result, one can say it was well worth the effort.

could

quote:

Before she could get a good look at the surroundings a servant was quick to greet her, and directed her through the castle.

I think the term "palace" suits it better. Castles also served militairy purposes.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 296
1/24/2013 14:20:17   
Glais
Member

Very trendy :P
And yes the time is inaccurate, will change that.

quote:

I beg your pardon?

GAH. I meant to go back and complete that sentence. I'd started to write something and yeah.

Yes Palace would be much better, I couldn't think of another synonym for...some reason.

@Van: Yeah I've made a bit of progress, though it sounds like you may have far more important things on your mind at the moment
DF MQ  Post #: 297
1/24/2013 14:49:14   
VanHellsin24
Banned


A bit of progress?

You've made tremendous progress. Im so proud!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 298
1/24/2013 17:16:37   
Razen
Member

I would say that our combined descriptions of the ancient Sandsea DESERVE to be canon. :P Then again, Geo DID agree to read my fanfic.

quote:

Under normal circumstances this epicenter of trade of wealth would be .


I'm going to guess that the end to this sentence would be "flooded with the traffic of merchants and their wares."

For the two times that you typed out Sek-Duat the Third, it's necessary to capitalize the Third, as it's a distinction in his name. I'm pretty sure at least, if it isn't...it's much simpler to just write out Sek-Duat III.

quote:

Whatever task the emperor demanded of her she would gladly oblige to.


Oblige to what? I'm presuming do? I also think that there is supposed to be a comma after her. Could be wrong though.

quote:

When the emperor of the sands asked you


Emperor of the Sands needs to be capitalized as shown.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 299
1/25/2013 15:13:59   
Glais
Member

@van: Glad to hear it.

Will get to the fixes whenever, but yeah that one I meant to complete and just wound up forgetting I guess.

Glad to hear my description was adequate.
DF MQ  Post #: 300
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