Summer Evening- Memory of " " [FINISHED] (C&C)


	Home \| Login \| Register \| Help \| Play

Summer Evening- Memory of " " [FINISHED] (C&C)

Logged in as: Guest

Printable Version

All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> Summer Evening- Memory of " " [FINISHED] (C&C)

Forum Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

1/23/2012 0:49:10

lordkaho
Creative!

You can read it here.

--------------------------

Pretentious title? Check

Murder mysteries? Check

Vampires? Check

Well, here it is. Another attempt of mine since 2009 (?) to make a story in similar structure to Tsukihime. This short story is set after Unmei no Yoru and is the introductory stage for Minoru Streidberg.

Comments and criticism are very well appreciated.

< Message edited by lordkaho -- 1/28/2012 1:47:20 >

Post #: 1

1/23/2012 1:01:06

Glais
Member

I honestly don't get the title at all.
But anyhow, that has naught to do with the story itself.
All seems sound (yet without exposing any more info on what happened back in Unmei no Yoru, can;t decide if clever or annoying, heh), but I don't generally nitpick at grammar and such, preferring to focus on the storyline itself.

Minoru seems somewhat dumb for rejecting a job. Is avoiding people that serious/dangerous?

So one main thing, I noticed at the News they mentioned Gorou being innocent...but prior to that the News didn't mention him at all. Why would anyone else even suspect him? Minoru was the only one who said anything about Gorou at all.

I also like the bits of art thrown in, just makes it more interesting. ~~I'm going to have to shamelessly rip this off from you someday~~
Anyhow, seems a good start to your personal Universe, which is quite the endeavor. I wish thee luck in future installments.

Post #: 2

1/23/2012 1:21:19

lordkaho
Creative!

quote:

Is avoiding people that serious/dangerous?

He said himself normal people wouldn't care. What he worries him are people like his father who might take an interest in him. A.K.A. other magi

quote:

Why would anyone else even suspect him?

His body was at the crime scene and his DNA was found when he ate Maki Satou. But he is indeed innocent with regards to the Gunma serial killings as the real killer's DNA don't match Gorou's.

< Message edited by lordkaho -- 1/23/2012 1:23:43 >

Post #: 3

1/23/2012 1:37:49

Glais
Member

Alright so that clears that up. I think it's a bit too soon for speculation (since I "think" we know Lil Girl(!)*'s not the serial killer.
I also wonder why Minoru hasn't noticed:if he were killing and eating these people, he wouldn't be suffering these Blood withdrawals...

*Long story.

Post #: 4

1/23/2012 1:57:06

lordkaho
Creative!

Well he ought to. That fact alone could prove his innocence. Anyway, just reread the thing. OMG, look at all those typos.

Post #: 5

1/23/2012 2:33:08

Glais
Member

On that note, to prove his innocence with that (legally) they'd have to know he's a Vampire. Are Vampires common knowledge here?

Post #: 6

1/23/2012 3:27:05

lordkaho
Creative!

^

Sadly no. Even in Japan, mysticism has began to die out. They'd just label you as a pyscopath with a severe psychological disorder.

By the way, I accidentally divided by zero on my thread. It's fixed now though, sorry about that.

*edit*

Seeing as I had to overhaul the entire half of my post, I recommend reading the scene around the news report. I added some bits of new info and made some changes.

< Message edited by lordkaho -- 1/23/2012 3:34:32 >

Post #: 7

1/23/2012 21:37:05

Glais
Member

Reread it, definitely makes more sense now.
The news report also makes things a lot more clear, that bit was really confusing the first time around.

"It's very contagious!"

Post #: 8

1/23/2012 23:09:28

lordkaho
Creative!

Part 2 is up.

You may wonder why I'm in a haste on finishing this. Well because if I leave one project on hold for too long I may end up not finishing it. For now I think it's safer to stick for short end projects at the moment.

Post #: 9

1/23/2012 23:41:46

Glais
Member

quote:

A guy, who unfortunately don't match any police records.

Eh? Unless this is Minoru's speech pattern, should it not be didn't? However I don't wish to bog this down with typos...

quote:

I still have five days before he kills again.

I think I missed something. How'd he figure this?

Anyhow besides that it was a an enjoyable fight scene. I expected him to be a recurring character, though obviously I was wrong. He vaguely reminds me of what little I know of that Priest guy from HellSing.

I can't help but wonder if there's a lot more Minoru's supposed to remember rather than just his Immaterial Law abilities.

Post #: 10

1/24/2012 0:01:47

lordkaho
Creative!

The killer was killing on 6 day intervals. The last victim died on June 4, so the next would be on June 10. Part 2 happens on June 5. Anyway, actually Minoru remembering Immaterial Law wasn't what the magus was hoping he'd remember.

Post #: 11

1/24/2012 0:02:57

Glais
Member

As I figured.

And I see, so just ignorance on my part. Whoops...

Post #: 12

1/27/2012 10:12:15

lordkaho
Creative!

First part of the finale is up.

Post #: 13

1/28/2012 0:40:08

Glais
Member

That was....odd. But now we know where Minoru gets his powers and such, well more specifically anyways.
Dad sure is....odd.

Post #: 14

1/28/2012 1:46:37

lordkaho
Creative!

Finale is up.

Well that ends Minoru's introduction story. Thanks for reading.

I'll be working on it for some fixes from time to time.

Post #: 15

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> Summer Evening- Memory of " " [FINISHED] (C&C)

Jump to:

Icon Legend

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY