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1/23/2012 12:56:25   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Well, this is a thread for my actually fiction, what little I may post. As the title suggests, this will be a sort of 'testing ground' for stories I plan on publishing one day, or simply short stories I wrote for fun. If the stories here seem a bit underdeveloped, that is probably because they are suppose to be longer and I do not have the skill yet to write a novel sized story.

As of January 23, 2012, The Outcast is to be discussed here. This story is about a girl, an Outcast, in a society where Outcasts are less than slaves, and who must fight for her survival.

As of February 5, 2012, Never Should Have Been is to be discussed here. (Currently in hiatus/being rewritten.)

As of February 27, 2013, Twirling Blades of the Harlequin is to be discussed here. This is a story about a psychopath, Harlequin, and her life as a master assassin.

Well, enjoy!

< Message edited by Shadow Ravena -- 2/27/2013 14:24:20 >
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 1
2/5/2012 22:52:48   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Well, new story up, 'Never Should Have Been.' This will hopefully be a full story- though shorter than a full fledged novel. Anyways, first chapter is about the first of two main characters, the second will have a different chapter title font. C&C appriciated!
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 2
2/11/2012 20:46:30   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Two new chapter posted- now we're getting out of the prologue. Next chapter will start the story proper!
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 3
2/13/2012 2:53:43   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 And next chapter up. Now we are in the world that it will stay in, with characters that will stay till story end. I have not posted chapter numbers yet- and won't until out other PoV character will be intruded and her backstory explained (soo.... another few chapter).
Oh, and saying right now: While its said to be early nineteen hundreds, since it is a different world, some things are either to old or to new for the time period, all of which I will not. I may explain, but the explanation might just be simply its-easier-to-have-it-this-way, so little writer license there.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 4
2/13/2012 9:46:38   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 I read through it once and so far I'm enjoying the story. Its nice to see more stuff that isn't AE related :) *needs to work on that herself...*
quote:

I ran to a willow tree near the gate to the woods, and hid behind it, trying not to loudly.

Trying not to do what?
quote:

The creature walked tree, and headed towards the woods.

past the tree?
quote:

Maybe an animal dragged it away, maybe it just disintegrate faster than a human, maybe it survived

disintegrated or disintegrates, both could work here
quote:

If was heavy, I had trouble lifting it, and seemed to be made of gold and a darker metal fused together.

It

I'm off to class, so I will finish the other three chapters later. There are only two grave sites and her mother and sister were killed and buried there. However then it said her parents had been killed, what happened to the father, or do you plan to reference that later?
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 5
2/13/2012 13:16:22   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Yes, it is nice (and rare) to see non-AE stuff (though some stories here are practically regular fiction already...)

The first two errors I blame on my kindle- that touchscreen keyboard is not the best writing tool. All fixed, thanks.

Good luck with class! And if I said both parents were killed, that is a mistake. Both are DEAD, but the father died years ago when Shadow (what is with me and that name?) was a young child. I guess I forgot to put that in... may reference that later, or just add it in. It doesn't really play into the plot (Besides that fact that every main character is practically fatherless... theme!).
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 6
2/13/2012 16:45:11   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Thanks! Mondays are always fun because of Lab :D

No you did say they were both dead, just the wording confused me a little.

quote:

But for us, the fighter, we made a few of these towns our bases, simply because they were usually were in the center of several settlement districts.

fighters
quote:

As I drew closer to the center, I though I spotted a figure walking ` on the roof behind me.

thought, and I'm not quite sure what the space and ' is for.
quote:

I heard the clink of my knife being deflected, then relaxed when I say it one was one of us.

saw
quote:

Nodding, he jumped of the roof he was on to the ground below.

off
quote:

Nodding at Jones, I motioned for him to get on the creatures right side, myself on the right, and like that we would attack.

quote:

Usually we decapitated them to be sure, but this creatures hide was too tough for that.

creature's
quote:

"Good. We know it and both, otherwise it won't have been panting or bleeding like it did. I doubt its a reviver, so we just need the incineration team to finish him off."

That entire sentence confused me
quote:

He thought for a minute, then called two individuals form inside.

from
quote:

I sighed with frustration. "No, not yet. I though this one was it, but no, it was the Deathstriker."

thought
quote:

The only ones that count kill him knew he was mine to kill

could
quote:

The would fight him, but chased him off instead of killing him.

They
quote:

You got knocked out, so we brought over here."

brought you over
quote:

Jones tried top get me to tell him, but I simply walked away.

to
quote:

Ever since the creatures showed up, most of fighters noticed we had... changed.

of the fighters
quote:

I was stronger, and had higher endurance then most of the other fighter.

fighters
quote:

More than once people mistaken me for Murder, because I was nearly a strong, swift, and good at hiding he was.

people have mistaken
quote:

If we seemed like we joked to much or were too used to death, it simply was that we were

too
quote:

I walked along, my thoughts keeping me compony.

company
quote:

The few that made it this far were trying to rebuilt what they could of society

rebuild
quote:

Thus, everywhere except the settlements was in utter ruin. Ever there, it was little better.

Even
quote:

We had no real base, instead just area's where we hung out.

areas
quote:

That means the last good clue I have was an old one, saying my quarry was in near the capital.

in or near
quote:

Before searching the area, I stopped by my families graves again, to pay my respects.

quote:

I found the intruder where I thought I would- in front of my families graves.

family's
quote:

Creeping up through the plants, I suddenly lunged out at him, using the lat of my sword to knock him backwards.

flat
quote:

"What are you doing here Murder?" I snarled.

I believe there should be a comma after "here" because the sentence is addressing the person by name. I can't quite remember though.
quote:

"I can arrange that." He said, as he leapt at me, drawing two short swords as he did.

That comma should not be there. And random comment, "leapt" is spelled correctly yet FF spell check says otherwise >_>
quote:

I parried the blow with my own sword, then tried to slash him. He evaded me, then tried to jump to the side and attack, but merely faced him again and blocked.

but I merely
quote:

After what must have been an hour of fighting, I was starting to grew tired.

grow
quote:

The fact he was stronger, faster, and practically immortal didn't help in the slightest.

fact that he
quote:

And now, your dead," he said, as he walked closer to me.

you're
quote:

Murder stopped, and tried to figure out what he meant.

I
quote:

"You rotten girl, I'll kill you!" He said, near jumping forward. Once again, I stopped.

stopped him
quote:

I doubt... that would make any difference. But... your not escaping... me!

you're

quote:

Had I really become so similar to the one I hated? What differentiated us?

Sure, he was evil and I was good, but we both killed. The fact that I killed to protect others didn't change the fact that I did murder people. And in the end, what difference did it make what my motive was? My soul was just as stained for the death of those that meant harm as theirs were for the death of innocents. At the end of the day I try and tell myself that what I did was for the best, that I was justified, but the screams... they invaded my dreams, hunting me day and night. There was never any relief. If we seemed like we joked to much or were too used to death, it simply was that we were, and we were trying to forget it. There is only so much a person can take... and not being able to was not a sign of weakness, but rather of humanity. What that made me, I did not know...

This... I loved. That moment when the character understands that little separates them from what they fear and/or hunt is something I enjoy reading, or more specifically what comes after this realization. She is both aware of the similarities and that currently there is little that can be done about them. Because of this awareness she can watch that she doesn't become the thing she hates, unless of course she gets caught up in other things and forgets...
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 7
2/13/2012 18:54:13   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 I'll either go back and add something in or have my character mention it next chapter, because it is confusing.

Fixed and thanks.

As for what you said, that is going to be a theme: what makes her different from what she hunts (He who hunts monsters for tvtropers), if she is really 'human' anymore, etc. It is something she is very conscience of, and tries to avoid as much as possible- though granted, when angered, can be as evil as any villain (and yes, I'm doing that to her once- can't resist ;) ). What really keeps her from saying 'forget it, I'm horrid' is kinda what the next chapter (third) is about- she knows she's horrid, but still tries to do as best as she humanity can, but still aware how little keeps her from raging out of control.

Honestly, she's kinda like DF Shadow, if that one ever killed (what with the destruction of a former life, the dead family, etc). It will be interesting to have characters who do that- it breaks my policy.

One last note: I am not a massive fan of the third chapter, but I'm not sure how odd it would seem to anyone else. If the dialogue breaks the feel to much, feel free to mention it!
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 8
2/13/2012 19:59:39   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!
quote:

The area was pitch black, but I had a feeling that it was iemmnsinse, if it even had boundaries.

immense
quote:

The only thing I could see was off in the distance was a small square of light.

This sentence is a little awkward
quote:

After what felt like half and hour, I reach the source.

reached
quote:

"And they would?"

would be?
quote:

"I rarely hear this of those that cone through here.

come
quote:

I though I heard "Your Welcome" before I was sucked away, but I cannot be certain.

thought

haha! A momentary lapse in reason or judgement always bring up interesting results. Whatever chapter that happens in, I'm looking forward to it ;)

As for the chapter, I liked it. Compared to the other two, it isn't as good admittedly, however that is mainly due to content than writing style. To me it looks like one of those short and slower chapters that are needed for character development or understanding. Rarely a favorite, but needed nevertheless. Maybe adding a little more subtle actions between dialog, moving a strand of hair behind her ear for example, could smooth it out some, but not much is really needed. I think you did well here.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 9
2/13/2012 20:15:45   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Fixed and thanks.

It will be chapter I-need-to-invent ;)

Ya, I will admit to that. Its a chapter needed to establish character, not actual action. There unfortunately will be a few more like that next- but there not pure talking (montage more like) due to the fact we are still in introduction area. And won't be leaving till next character is introduced and her backstory explain. I will try and do that for the next chapters- and may go back and edit three when I have the editing mind needed for such a task.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 10
2/15/2012 16:34:01   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!

quote:

I was in a house of early nineteen hundred's, but everything seemed different.

hundreds
quote:

"Oh, your awake! I thought you would ever wake up.

you're, never
quote:

"Okay" she said as she dashed off.

Should be a period after 'okay'
quote:

"Your an observant one. This is Oakmill, a small town away from the towns.

You're
quote:

"You would be surprised what can be believed. Why don't you try to explain?" said a young man- younger than the other, who was missing a arm, who had just walked in the room.

This sentence is a little awkward, going by this I can't tell who is missing an arm and who walked in the room.
quote:

I started by telling the story of my families murder, and my first fight with Murder.

family's
quote:

George looked confused, but agreed. "Don't take to long," he said as he walked out.

too
quote:

"Your not telling something."

You're
quote:

He grinned, "Your at my mercy- you fist."

You're, first
quote:

Once I finished, Alex sat thinking for so long I finally interrupted him. "Well, what out your end of the deal."

about
quote:

Well, he came back... but not in the war we expected.

is that war or way?
quote:

My own was slightly incomplete, so that it would kill me, but less so then Em's.

wouldn't
quote:

I opened my eyes, and I could see a circle of light underneath her, and one over where my brother coffin was. I realized to late what had happened... Em's body collapsed, then disappeared... and I could here my brothers moving. Frozen in shock, I watched my brothers body push the sheet off of it, look around... and then attack me.

brother's
quote:

I tried not to hurt him, but I had to keep from him killing me

him from
quote:

I noticed something strange. I could hear grunts and whimpers of pain... that were much more high pitched than my brothers voice

brother's
quote:

Using a penknife and my teen, I carved a blood spell on the back of my right hand

What is a teen?
quote:

"Well, I'll help you out if I can Alex,"

Comma before Alex's name.
quote:

"Well, ours are different obviously. How does your work?" Alice asked.

yours

I was surprised she was so calm about loosing her arms and legs, it leaves her very vulnerable plus the actual shock of loosing them...
And the entire story with Alex and Em reminded me of Full Metal Alchemist.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 11
2/15/2012 22:33:22   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 I will admit, she is calmer than she should be- I didn't really know how to write that. But also, two things. One, she figured that if they would kill her they would have done so already- she's been out for about a week- and also, she expected to die in the incident. I'll mention it in a different chapter. The other reason is that she, being used to situations like this, knew better than to freak out.

As for the FMA part... I'll admit, the story was heavily inspired of the series, as I really liked it. It would have been a fan-fic, if not for the problem of Shadow being a Mary Sue, in that the story focused on her too much, and because of some things I changed from the original. My attempt was and is to make one similair, but with enough unique material to stand on its own. The problem is three parts that were so major, I am having issue adapting (Ed and Al scene, Father tricking the Xeres king, and the final battle). I'm not sure how to fix this though...

< Message edited by Shadow Ravena -- 2/16/2012 2:33:41 >
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 12
2/16/2012 12:48:11   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 I can kind of see that, I was just surprised that she wasn't at all surprised by her lack of limbs. I know I would have had a cow o_o

As for adapting with FMA, I can't really help you there. I have only seen the first few episodes of it. *should probably be watching that instead of MLP* >_> This first part however was well done, I enjoyed the connection as well as the twist with Em being ghostlike instead of trapped inside metal armor.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 13
2/16/2012 13:07:15   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Heh, she will have her cow later- in way. In her view, she should have died, so JUST losing her limbs isn't that big for her. But ya, I do need to add in a little shock- even if its momentarily.

And yes, yes you should, its an awesome show (after MLP I guess). Drat, and thanks- I guess I'll just have to make sure the rest isn't to much of a copy (have a lot of time with that though...).
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 14
2/18/2012 15:42:13   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 New chapter up (and none revised- I guess I'll do that when I'm bored). The title... I could not come up with a name. Period. Anyways, its a montage one because of the amount of time that passes before the plot starts. Next chapter will be the last (I hope) before we swap characters.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 15
2/24/2012 22:01:39   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Well, new chapter up a few days ago- forgot to post here.

As well, edited the fourth chapter a bit. I read over chapter three, but that needs a massive re-do, so I'll do it later. Anyways, I probably won't be able to post much anymore- but I hope to update occasionally. Just a warning for any new readers- if I don't reply to your comments, its because I can't get to a computer.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 16
3/15/2012 16:53:35   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 *is horrible at remembering to do this* @_@
quote:

I've decided to start this to record my thoughts, and all that has happened to me... now that I can levitate a pencil long enough to write. It has been about a week or so since I last met came here.

Sentence is awkward
quote:

Something... odd... happened. I'm not sure what to make of it. But it may be batter to just relate it as it happened.

better
quote:

Just then, george strolled up. "Did someone say my name]

George
quote:

"No, just used a healing spell."
"What did it look like? Show me>"

?
quote:

"Its the only thing that makes sense. Tell me, have you ever seen this shadow effect in your world?"
"Yes... form yours. Murder could look like this..."

I think that should be "from yours", but that doesn't seem to match either. I'm not sure what you were trying to say here.
quote:

I chuckled. "I'm not surprised, she can be so flighty. Nice girl though.

No end quotes.
quote:

Over this can be a layer of cloth of paint or cloth for effect, but usually around the nerve lines.

layer of paint or cloth
quote:

The arms weren't very complex- they were about the length of my former forearms, with no arms, and hands that were a but clamp like in motion.

bit
quote:

the goal was the knock the other either for ten second, or make it so they could not move, but no lethal moves would be used.

The, knock each other down or out? Also, the second should be seconds, plural.
quote:

. Too late he say the metal rope, which I quickly looped around him, then running up, knocked him on his stomach.

saw
quote:

Especially for those like me who matured during the war... there were so many who grew up to fast.

I think that should be too, the tos and the toos often confuse me so I could be wrong on that.
quote:

This county is always at way somewhere or another, but the regular citizens never see the horrors of it.

war

DF MQ AQW  Post #: 17
3/16/2012 8:32:19   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 @Mritha Corrected, thanks. And so am I when I get busy

quote:


"Its the only thing that makes sense. Tell me, have you ever seen this shadow effect in your world?"
"Yes... form yours. Murder could look like this..."

I think that should be "from yours", but that doesn't seem to match either. I'm not sure what you were trying to say here.


It is suppose to be from yours- long version, shadow knew the affect from murder who was from that world. Still edited so its clearer.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 18
3/18/2012 19:53:55   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 haha thanks, now I don't feel so bad XD
quote:

I opened and closes my hand, both amazed and grateful it worked.

closed
quote:

I signed, then thanked Alice and left the workroom. She could be impossible when like that.

sighed
quote:

The doctors- three in total- jumped slightly, the one faced me. "Yes, quite right. We were just speculating as to why you and that other boy have recovered quicker than usual."

then
quote:

I assumed he normally won't asked, but his curiosity forced him.

wouldn't have asked, or something similar to that
quote:

"Well, I've been using different healing spells, and I assume Alex has been doing the same. Its one of out specialties you see."

our
quote:

"I won't," I said, the the doctors walked off to do doctorly stuff I assume.

Double wording and this sentence is awkward, I'd recommend revising to something like "I won't," I said as the doctors walked off to do doctorly stuff, or so I assumed.
quote:

He moved it around a but before replying, "Its okay, but weaker than I expected."

bit
quote:

"Sorry Em, we'll get out of here as soon as possible," Ed said tenderly.

I believe that should be Alex speaking, not Ed
quote:

Alex signed. "She won't leave off it. It hasn't even been a full year since we got out limbs, I doubt we are strong enough to pass."

our
quote:

"You might be Alex, your one arm won't hold you back."

should be a comma between those two words
quote:

Ed didn't want to ruin his chance, but the way I saw it was that a few weeks here or there made little difference in the end.

Alex
quote:

Em decided to but in as well.

butt
quote:

"At this rate Alex you'll grow to old to take the test and pass it!"

comma before and after Alex
quote:

A week later, two letter came to our house.

letters
quote:

"Alice, what's wrong?" Ed looked up from his book as well to study Alice.

I think that should be Alex. There was no before mention of someone looking up, the as well doesn't belong.
quote:

She threw the letter at us, and I barely managed to catch them.

letters
quote:

The second part was a test of skills in from of a committee.

front
quote:

I was very much used to military proceeders, ever if in my world it wasn't as strict as usual.

procedures, even
quote:

The Magicians were considered Majors in that regard, and from their they could be promoted to higher ranks.

there
quote:

"Who are you? And why did you try and shoot me?" I said, addressing the younger of the two. She looked no older than twelve, so I was very surpassed at her outfit.

surprised
quote:

Royal looked at the clock, then said, "We have stayed far to long already. I'm have other work to attend to," he said, as he and Raven got up. "Well, good luck with the exam you two."

I
quote:

"Of course," I replied. "Must keep up appearance.

No end quotes
quote:

I tried to breath as I stood in front of the imposing building that was Capital Hall- a sort of Town Hall that was mainly used for military purposes.

breathe
quote:

This was just the offices for the actual Capital state business- and yes, they had a state names Capital.

named
quote:

I told the men my plan, and asked if thy would say when five minutes had passed, which they agreed to.

they

Also, good job with describing the clothing of Shadow, Alex, and Em. Something I see a lot, and that I am guilty of myself, is stopping the story to describe something. Yours flowed very well, there was no unneeded break :)
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 19
3/18/2012 22:29:46   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Fixed, thanks Mritha. Don't know why I kept mixing up Ed and Alex- bad slip(s).
I will admit, I used to be horrid at it (still not the best). One thing I always try and do is either set up a scene where I can get away with it- like when Shadow Warrior is looking in the mirror- or mention it off-hand. I've done the latter much more than usual- the last names, name of the war, name of country, etc. Hoping it works out better than exposition chunks which i am prone to.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 20
3/19/2012 12:35:01   
stromy
Member

Perhaps it's just an aesthetic choice, but I like have a full line between dialogue transitions. Ie,

"This is a pretty cool place!" said Bleargha.

"Yea, I think so too," responded Blarghman.

I just feel that have the full line helps with clarity and ease of reading.
AQ DF  Post #: 21
3/20/2012 18:40:56   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Stormy- know that I look, your right. Especially with how I am with text walls! I'll go back and edit that as I have time, thanks.

edit: changed (in this story at least) Just curious though: can you tell where paragraph breaks are anymore?

< Message edited by Shadow Ravena -- 3/20/2012 20:31:35 >
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 22
3/27/2012 14:32:51   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 I can, there are clearly two breaks between paragraphs and only one for dialog. However I did notice that there is only one break between paragraphs without dialog, so the transition is not consistent.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 23
2/27/2013 14:29:00   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


 Well then, I abandoned this for an entire year!

The new story, Harlequin, is a story I wrote one day in two sittings. I may continue it, I may just leave it as is. Currently, only Chapter One is written up. (Yes, its 28 Word pages long). In any case, I decided to post it anyways, to see what people thought of it. It is outside of what I usually do, to be sure. But assassins has always fascinated me, so I decided to start on an official story for my imagining character, Harlequin (who in story isn't named yet.)

One final thing: this character is securely located in Neutral Evil territory. I am never going to make her anything resembling a hero, anti-hero, anti-villain, etc. She is a villain.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 24
2/27/2013 15:30:28   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 The title nearly had me thinking Helixi had posted a story.

quote:

By them, damage would be done.

then

quote:

There was some simply pleasure in destroying all.

simple(?)

quote:

The abuse layered on my long ago destroyed any care I had for petty humans.

me

quote:

Fighting against one whose entire life was fight, be fast, think quick, don't panic; or die, was a fools fight.

fool's

quote:

A wild-goose chase would insure until they tracked down the cab.

ensue(?)

I very much doubt my story's contents would phase you after reading it. It reminded me of an American thriller.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 25
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