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Emotion (Discussion Thread)

 
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2/8/2012 18:31:20   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


Feel free to discuss any of my writings from Emotion here. Constructive criticism is always welcome!

Update: Added a sonnet I've just written called My Sanctuary.

< Message edited by Faerdin -- 2/9/2012 3:04:20 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
2/9/2012 12:37:58   
Helixi
Member

My Sanctuary is a lovely poem and full of great imagery. I've got no particular comment on it; poems aren't my forte. Even so, I look forward to reading more poems by you, Faerdin. :)

< Message edited by Helixi -- 2/9/2012 12:38:23 >
AQ DF  Post #: 2
2/9/2012 13:05:50   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


Fear...wow. I see why you call this 'Emotion'. I have felt that once before, and I intend to avoid feeling it ever again. If you are writing about how you feel, then I really can sympathise. Either way, great work Fae! Keep up with these!
DF  Post #: 3
2/9/2012 19:36:52   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


Thanks for the generous feedback, you two. I'll do my best to update Emotion further when inspiration strikes. ^_^
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 4
2/9/2012 20:21:15   
ArchMagus Orodalf
Member

I'm only looking at "My Santuary" at the moment. Great imagery, but I think the structure and diction could use work. You sacrifice fluidity and meaning for rhyme. For example:
  • The use of the word "glee" in line 3 seems completely off. "Glee" has connotations of silliness and perhaps mischief, which is not what you're going for.
  • "Truly an angel, beautiful and wise,/Has blessed me, made me kin." "Kin"? This line doesn't really make sense; seems as though your angel has made you a beautiful and wise angel, too.
  • "With every waking breath, you/Raise my soul up high." The word "you" rhymes, sure, but placing it at the end of the line causes fluidity problems.

    Also...

    quote:

    Lost in depthless pools of blue,


    I don't think you mean depthless. :P
  • AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 5
    2/9/2012 21:02:56   
    Faerdin
    Rune Knight


    Depthless can mean "unfathomably deep," which is what I meant. Similarly, the girl mentioned in the poem does evoke feelings of silliness from me, so "glee" would most definitely fit. I would agree with all of your other comments, though; here is my revision for My Sanctuary:
    quote:

    My Sanctuary
    Golden leaves fall from trees
    As we savor their welcoming shade.
    We're only able to smile from glee
    While our worries seem to fade.

    Lost in depthless pools of blue,
    I close my eyes and sigh.
    Like the larks and turtledoves do,
    You raise my soul up high.

    You continue to ease my weary eyes
    With a sweet, enchanting smile.
    Truly this angel, lovely and wise,
    Will pluck my heartstrings for a while.

    Immortal you make me, I finally see
    That you're my life, my sanctuary.


    < Message edited by Faerdin -- 2/9/2012 21:07:13 >
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 6
    2/9/2012 21:12:33   
    ArchMagus Orodalf
    Member

    Yup, looked up "depthless"; it follows the "priceless" sort of definition. Sorry about that!

    However, I disagree with "glee" mainly because of the serious feelings of love presented by the rest of your poem. It doesn't match.

    quote:

    Will pluck my heartstrings for a while.


    "For a while" seems to oppose "immortal" in a bad way. The angel, immortal, will pluck your heart strings for only a little while while letting you persist for eternity?

    quote:

    Like larks and turtledoves do,


    They raise your soul up high? Sorry, I'm not feeling this line. >>
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 7
    2/9/2012 21:27:57   
    Faerdin
    Rune Knight


    Ha, now it's my turn to apologize. That was some poor wording!
    Changed this:
    quote:

    Like larks and turtledoves do,
    To this:
    quote:

    Like melodious birdsongs do,
    In addition, I also changed the heartstrings line to this:
    quote:

    Will stand by me no matter the trial.
    May not be the best, but I'm tired and will continue to work on it. ^_^
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
    2/15/2012 1:37:09   
    Faerdin
    Rune Knight


    Wrote a new sonnet for my thread! It is called Solitude. ^_^
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 9
    2/23/2012 0:43:55   
    Helixi
    Member

    The new sonnet is great! There are possibly things a little 'off' with it, but, then again, poetry isn't my forte. I'll let someone else comment on that, if it needs it.
    AQ DF  Post #: 10
    3/11/2012 21:36:07   
    Faerdin
    Rune Knight


    Added a new sonnet (Can actually call it a sonnet now; sadly, my previous ones weren't in iambic pentameter) I had written a few days ago for our beloved clan.
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 11
    3/20/2012 5:58:56   
    Faerdin
    Rune Knight


    Wrote an entirely new poem, a sonnet for the Lucky War happening in Dragonfable, and a lullaby. :3
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 12
    8/26/2012 23:28:44   
    Mortarion
    Member

    Hmm, your two newest pieces of poetry are great, but they give a feeling of sadness, specially the first one, while the second one gives a more grim, but optimistic outlook on life. So I must say that your poetry is great and it demonstrates feelings spectacularly, keep up the good work
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 13
    3/26/2013 22:28:02   
      Gingkage
    Wolf Rider


    Just read the most recent addition. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but it just struck me as a heart-wrenching poem.
    AQ DF MQ  Post #: 14
    3/26/2013 22:34:17   
    Faerdin
    Rune Knight


    It's a parody, but not a particularly funny one; a piece of anti-Rose propaganda. ;)
    Glad to know it had a profound impact!
    AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 15
    3/26/2013 22:40:02   
      Gingkage
    Wolf Rider


    How couldn't it? I read it, and can't help but feel this over-powering sense of loss for the magical creatures. The poem is practically screaming of being in mourning.
    AQ DF MQ  Post #: 16
    2/15/2014 12:14:26   
    Riprose123
    Member

    I just finished reading Melody, read it again, thought about it, then read it with my heart.

    D'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw

    You two are adowable. All I'm saying.

    _____________________________

    DF MQ  Post #: 17
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