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(DF) The story of Saphiria

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2/27/2012 5:24:33   
Selene
Member

The Story of Saphiria

Discuss it here!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 1
2/27/2012 7:30:30   
Helixi
Member

Looking good so far, Selene. One thing I would say is that its standard practise to double space your paragraphs, to make it easier on the reader's eyes. I'll swing by for a closer look later on.
AQ DF  Post #: 2
2/27/2012 11:11:34   
Selene
Member

Thankies

I'm already working on the second part and will keep track of what you advised me.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 3
2/27/2012 15:30:00   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Selene: I have one major issue with this story. You are undead and Artix hasn't got the urge to slay you.

Sepulchure popping up and leaving you the Necrotic Sword of Doom (which he covets) was a bit random and strange.

From this (and some other things) I gather you have not advanced much after completing the Darkness Saga.

quote:

Named after the famous vampire queen, I wasn't born, but resurrected i a forest by a powerfull necromancer, with a unknown name. He or she left me behind in a dark forest, where I was weakened, and shaking with shivers, noticing something shining in the
reflection of the moonlight. I started to dig it up, it was some sort of amulet, a red ruby surrounded with a dragon.


powerful, an, noticed the reflection of something shining in the moonlight

quote:

I continued my patrol, slaying undeads. And returned to the dragonfang inn where I received a paycheck from 500 gold.


any undead I came across, before returning to the dragonfang inn where I received a paycheck worth 500 gold.

quote:

"My goal is to become a elemental, just as powerfull as Sepulchure, which requires me to obtain the Orb of Darkness." I replied.


an, powerful

It's not much, but perhaps it'll help Helixi a bit before she goes through.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 4
2/27/2012 19:05:04   
Selene
Member

You misread.... about the Necrotic sword of doom, in the story my character actually dug it out of the sand. She sees a skeleton hand attached to a blade, which wasn't put there by Sepulchure (Its the sword from the Doomknight package).

And forgive me my little errors with words such as " a and an ", English isn't my native language as you may have gathered. Thank you for rephrasing certain sentences though.

_____________________________

My Fan Story about AQW Danitia (RESUMED!) Story Discussion
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 5
2/27/2012 19:08:09   
Glais
Member

The overall idea has potential (a la evil main character, trying to surpass Sepulchure rather than defeat him, and so on) but right now e story just feels way too random. I'll try to explain this paragraph/block by block.

Paragraph one.
So we have the main character established as undea which is a change, but then a Dragon literally shows up out of nowhere for no real reason. We can stand to guess it is hers, but then why would a fully grown Dragon be named after Vayle. You could say it was a baby which would make sense, but then it would've gone back to baby form when Saphiria died I assume. Anyways moving onward. Why would a random shopkeeper have DragonLord Armor? Considering there's very few DragonLords and it would seem the armor's uncommon...also funny how he gives her free stuff. She is very lucky to have met this innkeeper.

Paragraph two.
The whole Sepulchure scene was just weird. Maybe I just didn't quite understand it.

Actually those were the only bits I found exceptionally odd.

Hm so apparently Laetitia's the main DF character, except evil. Wondering how that will work for the future plot.
But overall it feels rather...jumpy. One minute Robina, then OakLore, then SUDDENLY AKRILOTH....'s clone.
Just seems to have a focus problem, but regardless I am sure it will improve as time goes on. No way to go but up when it comes to creativity.
DF MQ  Post #: 6
2/27/2012 19:24:29   
Selene
Member

The main character is Saphiria.

Paragraph one (global): The dragon doesn't come randomly out of the sky, but responds to the dragon amulet found by Saphiria on the ground when she was resurrected. She doesn't know the Dragon's name, but uses the amulet to name her Vayle, the character Saphiria lost her own amulet when she died, and found this one when she was resurrected. The Shopkeeper in the Dragonfang Inn, is misread. I meant the Questgiver upstairs whom is a dragonlord happening to have an armor spare. Of course, it would cost gold in the long run, but I didn't say Saphiria wouldn't pay gold for it later in the story ( Part 2), as the character has a dragon amulet, she has access to the armor?

As for Artix not slaying Saphiria... he doesn't attack Death Knights either, does he? in the game?

Paragraph 2: Laetitia

Laetitia is the apprentice and comes along with my main in fights against Akriloth. Saphiria gives her random quests to perform and takes her to random fights, whereunder Akriloth (the clone, as we already killed Akriloth long before or maybe I should change his name to Dracolich Akriloth or something)?

Generally: The story is about Saphiria (my main character) whom is training Laetitia (my 2nd character). Once staff implements the academy, we might be able to have real apprentices in the game, but basically I am writing in the story what I am doing ingame with my characters

But the criticism is good, guys. Thank you for that, it helps me keeping track of making certain leaps etc, and maybe I should be watching my style of writing a little.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 7
2/27/2012 19:28:08   
Glais
Member

No no, I know Saphiria's the main character, I meant Laetitia is the main DF character,or takes the place of it. For reasons the story concludes (Laetitia goes off to get the special Dragon from Robina, the same way it happens in DF. There are only two of those Dragons, one of which is Sepulchure's so thus Laetitia=DF Hero while Saphiria=main character of the story)

And I understood why the Dragon appeared, the event itself was just rather random. Thanks for clearing up the naming though.
DF MQ  Post #: 8
2/27/2012 22:03:53   
Selene
Member

Ah yes, if you look at it that way, you are correct, that Laetitia is the DF character learning everything from Saphiria.

And you're welcome.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 9
3/1/2012 5:15:14   
Selene
Member

Part 2 is up!

_____________________________

My Fan Story about AQW Danitia (RESUMED!) Story Discussion
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 10
3/2/2012 23:38:56   
Glais
Member

quote:

I could take my dragon and set fire to Falconreach, but then, they trust me too much to expect a attack from me.

Wouldn't this be more of a reason to attack? Just sayin...

Anyhow, the paragraphs seem a bit clumped together. Breaking em apart is generally easier for one to read. I've also heard when two people speak, the lines should be in different paragraphs.
EX.
"First persons line."

"Second person replying."

And so on.

Story-wise, it seems to juggle between trying to represent DF realistically and making it a "game" still (ex, referring to everything as Quests and such. The manner in which Saphiria became a Mage, etc.). I also wonder, this takes place after the DF chapter 1 finale, so why is Laetitia just now training? Messes up things quite a bit.
DF MQ  Post #: 11
3/8/2012 14:52:55   
Selene
Member

And... Part 4 is up!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 12
3/8/2012 18:21:53   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

She sees a skeleton hand attached to a blade, which wasn't put there by Sepulchure (Its the sword from the Doomknight package).


Yes, I know the difference between the Necrotic Blade of Doom and the Necrotic Sword of Doom. Sepulchure wanted the NSoD, but couldn't get it and there's no way he would pass up the chance to claim it to become more powerful.

The latest chapter indicates that either you are not paying much attention to the storyline or you are not done with the darkness saga. In the last quest Vayle mentions she will return to the Necropolis to teach good necromancy.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 13
3/8/2012 20:34:43   
Glais
Member

The newest chapter felt a bit strange. Namely the...random act of evilness line. Should probably be reworded. I also wonder what Vayle meant by equipping Necromancer skills. This is what I was referring to when I stated you were using game mechanics. Realistically, the necromancy would simply be knowledge she bore.
DF MQ  Post #: 14
3/8/2012 21:18:06   
Selene
Member

Put Necromancy knowledge into the right context is meant by that. But basically I'm also referring to the buttons our characters have, so sorry about that. And the lich shape... is a suggestion to the AE team that the Lich should be built into DF... like AQ has it. And the skills I am referring to in the story, are the 3 main skills from the Lich in AQ.

@Dwelling: I'll get back to that in Part 5 (Friend or Foe) about Vayle and teaching necromancy for good purposes.

< Message edited by Selene -- 3/9/2012 10:28:48 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 15
3/9/2012 13:55:44   
Selene
Member

Part 5 is up!

For them whom are interested: The skills that are being practiced are taken from the AQ Lich, as DF unfortunately doesn't have the Lich shape.... so they're also the... necromancy knowledge that is being learned earlier.

But I don't want to make a suggestion, but I think DF should have a lich shape too;
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 16
3/9/2012 15:15:47   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Selene:
quote:

My camp is safe, and no monsters are charging toattack me


That was probably the best part of the story thus far, as for the rest ....

Sepulchure still considers himself to be part of the Shadowscythe after what they did? Even stranger, why would he reveal Gravelynn, his only weakness, to Saphiria?

AQW is a world apart (literally) from AQ, DF and MQ though being a time-fusion of the three. In Dragonfable, Noxus is very much alive as you might know by playing Frostval (Christmas/Holiday Season) or Snugglefest/Hero's Heart Day (Valentines Day).

She's also not the first to create an undead paladin for that matter, but you'll find that out when you explore Doomwood a bit more.
You still haven't given a reason as to why Artix hasn't slain Saphiria despite being an undead and a lich, it's not like his childhood trauma will suddenly go away.

Finally, split up that last chapter a bit in sections. It reads a lot easier than the wall of text you currently have. I'll return with more feedback once you have done so.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 17
3/9/2012 17:19:29   
Selene
Member

I just enjoy writing I guess.... But copying and pasting the text from my text editor to the forum makes it difficult to split into paragraph's, etc... I have to get something on that, maybe you have suggestions?

Thanks for the comments though, I will try to look after your suggestion in part 6. As for Sepulchure and revealing himself to Saphiria.... that will come back later in the story too

If you read a book, you want to keep reading to reveal the reasons, no? And besides, Sepulchure let his fortress crash in game due to Grams trying to take Gravelyn away from him... and he stopped her from doing that, despite the fact the fortress would crash.... in which (in the story) Saphiria died in the tower.

< Message edited by Selene -- 3/9/2012 17:23:00 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 18
3/9/2012 17:54:42   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Selene: You separate the text before you copy it into the forum. I can't imagine your text editor to be that bad.

spoiler:

I really hope it isn't the fact Sepulchure secrectly has feelings for Saphiria.



Stopping Grams did not make the Fortress crash, Sepulchure had the power to make it stop crashing, but for his own sadistic amusement he chose to wipe out the guardian tower and all those who were inside at the time instead. It destroyed a large group of enemies and lowered enemy morale.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 19
3/9/2012 18:01:48   
Selene
Member

I'm using Linux as a matter of fact, so I have various text editors. But pasting the text straight into the forum is like typing it straight in the forum, it doesn't apply the text make-up etc.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 20
3/13/2012 8:16:10   
Selene
Member

Part 6.... a true lich emerges.... is up! Enjoy!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 21
3/13/2012 18:13:43   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 Is this story about characters who realize they're in a game?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 22
3/15/2012 17:00:13   
Selene
Member

Actually it was meant as a pun about Dragonfable having no Necromancer that can become a lich when they die.

In AQ you can become a Lich... and even in AQW you have the Shadow Lich armor, wear Necromancer underneath it and you may even be a real lich in AQW...

So why is this missing in DF?

< Message edited by Selene -- 3/15/2012 17:02:53 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 23
3/15/2012 17:09:31   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

"The game isn't ready for a Lich, and has no features for a lich" said Zorbak. "Even though we need liches, as that is a ultimate reward for the dark arts of Necromancy, but Artix Entertainment forgot to implement it" he continued. "I know." I replied. *end of spoiler*


So how do the characters know about this and isn't Artix a supreme god by that notice?

REAL reason: AQ runs on a different engine than DF.
Story reason: We can't die in DF, thus we cannot become a lich.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 24
3/15/2012 17:37:18   
Selene
Member

I hope you continue to read my story... and time will tell if Artix is a supreme god, or no.

Just consider this chapter 6 a little joke inbetween just to make a suggestion that they should implement the lich... maybe as tier-two class requiring Necro 10 and Deathknight 10.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 25
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