(Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary


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7/20/2012 0:57:44

Razen
Member

Story here.

The Prologue really isn't completed yet, although I will try to have it finished as soon as possible. Aside from that, this is a L&L for my supposed DF Persona of the character Razen Veldrin. Not much to comment on currently, but whenever there is, comment away.

The Prologue's completed for certain by now, considering that I've started Chapter 3.

< Message edited by Razen -- 1/2/2013 0:08:56 >

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Post #: 1

7/20/2012 1:13:22

Glais
Member

The first sentence seems to be a bit of a run-on as well as this...

quote:

, had seen many warriors from the City of Sil trying to muscle the Mayor send what forces he had to assist

I usually focus on plott things, not grammar stuff though. This just stuck out.

That aside, since it hasn't started fully, how long ago does this take place?

Post #: 2

7/20/2012 6:28:56

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

Interesting story, I take it Hunter's Paradise didn't exist yet in the time?

Also, don't forget to sign up.

AQW

Post #: 3

7/20/2012 7:20:44

Razen
Member

@Glai: I must not have noticed. Regardless, this was a super rushed prologue and I doubt that anything currently there will stay, if it does...It'll be a Miracle of Friday.

@DD: Indeed-e-o. To both of those. Especially since I'm mainly guessing that Hunter's Paradise isn't really old. Oldest parts seem to be the gates(With major but not entire rust), as none of the boards have any rot on them.

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Post #: 4

7/20/2012 23:38:35

Razen
Member

Updated the prologue a good bit. Goes more into detail than the other one by quite a bit. I don't think that it's quite yet done though.

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Post #: 5

7/21/2012 3:47:58

Glais
Member

Galvin seems like a cool guy. Noticed a mistake somewhere in the first paragraph I think, but these things are somewhat difficult to copy and all from here.

I do agree it needs a bit more. The ending oes not quite...feel like an ending.

Post #: 6

7/21/2012 5:33:39

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

quote:

His armor was mismatched and easily discernible as such, although his dedication to his employer <> than your average mercenary.

was better

I agree the ending does look weird, I suggest ending the chapter with the mercenary physically leaving the scene.

AQW

Post #: 7

7/21/2012 12:53:32

Razen
Member

That's kinda because it isn't quite the ending. I just wasn't able to finish, again. Probably should've added that.

Edit: Forgot to state that I fixed that error.

Edit 2: No need for that there.

< Message edited by Razen -- 7/24/2012 0:12:12 >

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Post #: 8

7/21/2012 15:18:37

Glais
Member

Well I just meant he seems like a very proper guy. A gentleman, a nice guy.

Post #: 9

12/14/2012 22:50:49

Razen
Member

Commence a new rewrite...already too. New prologue is vastly different and introduces eight, new, very important characters. If you can guess the theme of all of them and then guess their abilities, kudos to you(Except Glai, since he already knows >_>).

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Post #: 10

12/18/2012 14:41:07

Glais
Member

Yeah, not exactly fair for me :P
But I like the new prologue, sets up the main storyline a bit better.

Post #: 11

12/18/2012 15:10:18

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

Just to let you know that I read the chapter, but cannot really comment much.

spoiler:

Aside from the fact that we are apparently dealing with demons.

AQW

Post #: 12

12/18/2012 15:16:15

Razen
Member

At least you know that, DD(Though, I can understand that there isn't much to comment on). Might as well ruin some of the fun and tell you that there's 8.

Though, it'd be easier to finish Chapter 1 if not for my paper and being sick. >_>

< Message edited by Razen -- 12/18/2012 15:17:41 >

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Post #: 13

12/23/2012 18:34:56

Razen
Member

Well, finished Chapter 1.

Introduced Illoz, who will probably be pretty important. Also, try and guess who Myodei, Nahuatl, and Ariyzi are, perhaps?

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Post #: 14

12/24/2012 5:24:22

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

quote:

A new voice emerged, or perhaps a multitude of voices as the words seemed displaced and didn't seem to have a common origin,

Is this the "void voice"?

quote:

"By Heck, I bet that humans have probably made some elitist 'Human Kingdom' by now. Quite pompous things they are."

How many years before DragonFable is this? Because from what I recall, there are already kingdoms 1000+ years prior to the game.

quote:

The majority of the trip was likely to be uneventful with few stops, due to the distance from Swordhaven.

So Doomwood was safer back then?

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Post #: 15

12/24/2012 7:15:48

Razen
Member

I'd say that this is around 850 years back. Though, the eight's original stay on Lore wasn't on Battleonia, but rather Deren(Which I guess I should change this to Pre-DF/AQ honestly, because it's way too hard to make just a Pre-DF with DF's lack of such an immense history and bestiary), which is pretty important for later on. They were actually surmising that they thought humans tried to conquer the entirety of Lore. I'll go back and add the gist of that in.

As for DoomWood, uneventful's I suppose the wrong word. It's just that Galvin's used to dealing with the Undead(Being an expert hunter living in DoomWood does that to you). Not as much as so, for say, losing his son, because his son fell asleep in a small glade. Though, where Razen ends up kinda explains the reasoning behind the name of the story...partially, it and one other thing makes the name of the story.

Finally, for the "Void voice", no, it's not a "Void" voice. You'll understand what he represents eventually, the only thing that I would say for a hint is...what displaces sound?

Edited accordingly to the current info in regards with Sek-Duat.

< Message edited by Razen -- 1/9/2013 22:28:57 >

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Post #: 16

12/24/2012 20:35:07

Glais
Member

quote:

"Really quite the help that spellsword was, I'm not sure that I would've caught that Wind Cyclops without his help..."

Why would you be hunting a Cyclops? They're a sentient race ~_^ Unless he does some law work which actually wouldn't be out of the ordinary.

Not a bad chapter, though I did find introducing so many characters so soon, as well as the words used to describe Illoz' skin (tuft blue?) kind of odd/confusing.

Post #: 17

12/24/2012 20:41:00

Razen
Member

Well, the characters are just kinda being introduced because the characters likely aren't going to change up for a bit.

As for the words describing Illoz's skin and hair, tuft blue and Maya blue are specific types of blue(I did my homework, maybe a little too much). Tufts Blue & Maya Blue. My apologies for possibly getting...too specific.

Why Galvin was hunting a Wind Cyclops? I guess we'll find out later. Probably law work, but maybe something else...maybe.

Anyways, Chapter 2 shouldn't be too long.

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Post #: 18

12/24/2012 21:17:00

Glais
Member

Well, that was explained pretty well then.

Post #: 19

12/27/2012 21:22:49

Razen
Member

Reasonably sized update on Chapter 2. Trying out a new-ish system for readers' convenience since I'm using some...somewhat more recluse monsters for parts of this due to the era of the story.

So, if you can't comment on any story bits, there is that little system to comment on. I would like some opinions on what you think of it, if you two approve of it(Since you two are the only ones that seem to read this), etc.

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Post #: 20

12/28/2012 0:26:45

lordkaho
Creative!

quote:

The houses that made up the village seeming insignificant in comparison.

seemed

quote:

Trying out a new-ish system for readers' convenience since I'm using some...somewhat more recluse monsters for parts of this due to the era of the story.

Yeah. It's been quite a while since I've played AQ and all the references were completely going out of my head. Good thing you later added links to the AQ bestiary.

Interesting story. Your narrative seemed so similar to DD's writing style, in that you take great emphasis on the setting, the local fauna and flora.

So the Veldrin, as what the 'beings' (who I assume are Sealed Evil(s) In A Can) have mentionedin the prologue, are a clan of multi-racial warriors. Judging from the title, I assume the main plot would focus on its downfall and Razen (he is the thief you asked me to draw right?) trying to reclaim their former glory right?

By the way, how did Razen manage to get so lost in Surewould that he stumbled into a battle royal between fire creatures and moss monsters?

Post #: 21

12/28/2012 0:43:02

Razen
Member

That Razen was different, as that was his Vereriaz incarnation. This one, instead, is his DF incarnation. Glai suggested the idea at first, since I didn't want to rehash the same story and mush it into DF again. And all DF players "have" to have a fanfic, so it led to this vastly different story. The Veldrins are just a bloodline, though in earlier times, they likely had more than simply humans in their mix. To be honest, I actually hadn't planned any Veldrins prior to Galvin, but they're less of warriors and more of Rangers or Rogues. They just...oddly enough, despite being the Stealth or Mobility factor of the group, are the leader.

To how Razen managed to get so lost, that's important-ish later and probably will be found out towards the end of Chapter 2 or Chapter 3. The name of the Story is in reference to some future events, one of them serving as the heart of the name in all honesty. And I didn't even plan the scene until sometime after I started this rewrite.

Also, fixed.

Lastly, for the AQ References, you shouldn't feel bad about most of them, since I actually was scouring around mostly checking over the A-Z and seeing which ones I didn't immediately recognize. To be honest, I don't think that I ever fought a Creech or Grakma with my AQ Character in my life. =/

Though, to be honest, I'm surprised that you didn't mention anything of Illoz, LK.

< Message edited by Razen -- 12/28/2012 0:46:26 >

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Post #: 22

12/28/2012 1:06:56

lordkaho
Creative!

quote:

They just...oddly enough, despite being the Stealth or Mobility factor of the group, are the leader.

This isn't actually 'unorthodoxical'. Some warrior groups, mostly that of native tribes, often have their leader equate stealth with true prowess. But it is quite a nice change of pace. But to be honest, for some reason, my initial expectation of the Veldrins was that they were going to be akin to Skyrim's Thieves Guild, haha.

quote:

Lastly, for the AQ References, you shouldn't feel bad about most of them, since I actually was scouring around mostly checking over the A-Z and seeing which ones I didn't immediately recognize. To be honest, I don't think that I ever fought a Creech or Grakma with my AQ Character in my life. =/

Well hey, I'm planning on doing the same thing as well. The AQ library is just so vast, and even more so is its monster library. Very nice for reference though.

As for the monsters, I quite remember fighting an Adalon before. But is it common for golems to talk like that? I believe DD, or was it Glaisaurus, also had a golem speak in a very robotic manner. But then again, they ARE primitive robots made out of magic anyway.

quote:

Though, to be honest, I'm surprised that you didn't mention anything of Illoz, LK.

Illoz, the lightning giant that had anger management issues? What about him?

Post #: 23

12/28/2012 1:16:54

Razen
Member

Actually, considering most interpretations of Giants, he's handling his anger rather well. And, what about him? Firstly, he's a blue giant wearing armor effectively lined with Lead, what isn't there somewhat peculiar about that? .-. Or did just everyone assume that the mention of Thorium being lined in his armor a small, unnecessary tidbit?(Or did you all confuse with that WoW Thorium? I dunno, mang.) But, whatev's. I would only give a hint and say he'll be important, though, one would imagine that's obvious by now.

As for the group leader, it's only meant unorthodox, because...come on, name one D&D Campaign where the Leader is a Rogue. Do it. I just never hear of a fantasy setting with the rogue member of a party being in charge.

For the AQ Monsters, yeah, the Adalon is the exception to what I was saying. The Forgah, Grakma, and Creech were unknown to me prior to today.

To the Veldrins being akin to Skyrim's Thieves' Guild...no, not really. They're not much of business thieves.

Edit: Oh, I sneaked in another piece of Chapter 2. Next segment will likely be the end of it. Then begins Chapter 3(No, it's going to Chapter Negative Eleventine, of course it's going to be Chapter 3).

< Message edited by Razen -- 12/28/2012 1:20:00 >

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Post #: 24

12/28/2012 2:33:53

lordkaho
Creative!

Just read the newest segment.

Razen's predicament at the moment is quite similar to a situation Glaisaurus' two protagonists had gotten into. Speaking of which...Zairos. Zairos. Zairo.

Still wondering how Myodei and his group got unsealed. The Iskrema's fault? But based on the conversation by the Adalon and the other elementals, our antagonist is about to mess up the elemental planes.

Post #: 25

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