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RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary

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3/7/2013 22:17:59   
Razen
Member

I've attempted a rewrite of the prologue, and I've marked Chapter 1 and 2 for rewrites.

Oh, and I've got a draft for Chapter 8's 1st segment. So, if there is anything that you think should be expounded on in any of these...speak now. Please.

Also, 7th page. Sytril domination.

< Message edited by Razen -- 3/7/2013 22:18:24 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 151
3/8/2013 16:02:20   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 I get that Kydoz is blind, but how did/will he find his way to the Veldrins if he cannot even find his way around within a house?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 152
3/8/2013 17:54:33   
Razen
Member

Well, who is to say that he hadn't utilized teleportation? If he hadn't, then the light would've been less...sudden? I likely should expound on that. Or we could just say that he spent a LONG time(The entire time skip) trying to find the Veldrins.

< Message edited by Razen -- 3/8/2013 17:58:28 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 153
3/11/2013 7:12:43   
Glais
Member

quote:

Or we could just say that he spent a LONG time(The entire time skip) trying to find the Veldrins.

How...effective, heh.

As for your new prologue, the dialogue feels a little too much of an info drop and less personal. Maybe lengthen the dialogue itself a bit so that these facts are a bit more spaced out.

< Message edited by Glais -- 3/11/2013 7:17:29 >

_____________________________
DF MQ  Post #: 154
6/23/2013 13:20:39   
Razen
Member

Man, I know it has been a long hiatus, but I do believe that Chapter 8 is finished. I'll work on rewriting the first chapters later.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 155
6/23/2013 20:32:00   
Glais
Member

Some awkward sentences in the first segment
quote:

"I have come here to beg the help of the Veldrin family in dealing with an old problem that one of your ancestors dealt with initially."

repetitive
quote:

forgetting the previous regard that he had once he had made his reply.

This one might not be wrong, I just don't really get it

Anyhow the next segment, it felt like it should have a bit more...impact to me, since this is
spoiler:

the first time they encounter the main antagonist
it all seemed slightly too casual, especially given Miar's joined them and he absolutely hates the enemies
Razen is also starting to feel a little bland and overshadowed by his companions.
quote:

Oh, what's that, you can't will yourself to? Well, that's just too bad, now isn't it?" He was mocking Miar, and I suspected that Myodei was referring to the unearthly serenity that forced itself onto them.

Since this is the first
spoiler:

Example of Myodei's unique talent, it doesn't feel like it has the necessary impact it should imo

Anyhow the last segment especially was pretty good, though I think the Xan reference is a little too identical to the original source
I also have no idea what a "Stringer" is
DF MQ  Post #: 156
7/1/2013 7:09:30   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 I think the last segment is pretty good, however it took a while before I discovered which name belonged to the gnome and giant respectively. You may want to make that a bit clearer.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 157
8/3/2013 14:49:16   
Razen
Member

@DD: Sorry about that, I think it should be fixed now.

@Glai: Fixed the first one. I am pretty sure that I changed the wording on the second. Third, I am currently working on changing.

If I can recall correctly, I just need to fix up the second segment of Chapter 8, the Prologue, and Chapter 1. After that, I'll begin work on Chapter 9.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 158
8/4/2013 4:03:27   
Razen
Member

Alright, I have attempted to redo the second section of Chapter 8. Comments and notes between the original and the new one would be appreciated. Alongside if there is anything that you think isn't in ether but should be.

I should be starting Chapter 9 sometime.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 159
8/6/2013 23:41:22   
Glais
Member

Aight well overall I got to say the rewrite was a big improvement over the previous one. Definitely fits meeting with your main antagonist for the first time better than the last.

Nitpicks below
quote:

He had waited for the return of his two younger kids, but they hadn't turned up yet.

Return and turned kinda border on repetitive, maybe substitute turn with "arrived" ?
quote:

Who was the perpetrator of this vile, inconceivable atrocity that would have the audacity to mock my ancestor!?

There's nothing actually wrong here, it just feels a little long-winded
Even in a more archaic time it's hard to imagine anyone saying that
quote:

My arm's shattered and equally so for my lust for adventure.

'for' isn't needed
quote:

Why are you letting these bizarre and rude strangers into our home when they are unwelcome?

Similar to Galvin's earlier sentence, it's an odd thing for anyone to say, the transition to "when they are unwelcome" even moreso.
quote:

Some golem named Kydoz, so don't think that I know anything about him more than that.

The 'so' is unnecessary (it would make a bit more sense without it I think)
quote:

Kyrei had told me everything whenever I consulted with him.

whenever feels oddly placed

I think those are the main ones that stuck out, I'm not the greatest with grammar fixes though

As for the new section, I quite like the description of KrovesPort. Makes it seem a lot more...interesting than it is in-game anyways. The Crime Syndicate bit especially, will that come into play again?
DF MQ  Post #: 160
8/7/2013 0:27:14   
Razen
Member

Odd to note that most of those are from the first segment. :P I tried my best at them, so you can check now.

As for the crime syndicates, perhaps? I'll probably try to throw in one of their agents somewhere along the lines. Mayhap even when they arrive in Deren?

Meanwhile, I guess that I'll officially announce that the first segment of Chapter 9 is out.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 161
8/7/2013 19:46:22   
Razen
Member

The second segment of Chapter 9 is complete and ready for commentary. It's all about Bazrir.

I also added a Table of Contents, much like Faerdin. I did this mostly because it'll be quite a hassle to get to the right chapter soon enough.

< Message edited by Razen -- 8/7/2013 19:47:22 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 162
8/10/2013 2:02:06   
Glais
Member

Good segment I'd have to say, Bazrir just keeps getting development which is always nice. For its length it also conveyed different aspects of Sil quite well imo
DF MQ  Post #: 163
8/12/2013 21:36:20   
Razen
Member

The third segment of Chapter 9 is out, and this one is dedicated to Szayan. Next one will be about Dyjhal.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 164
8/13/2013 14:26:05   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


 Been reading through this- I have been moving at a rather slow pace, so I should have more commentary soon- but I just wanted to post my feelings thus far. :)

Your first chapter did an absolutely wonderful job of introducing (Who I would assume are) the antagonists of the story without revealing too much of them, leaving them something of a mystery and compelling the reader to continue. Your story has not failed on that note since. Strong use of detail has been present from what I have read thus far, and I love little scenes like the one where Razen watched the hunting demon in the forest.

My only qualm is a rather small one, and more a personal opinion of my own than anything worth consideration: links. Whenever I see a usage of links, a little part of me becomes very sad. Because it usually means there is going to be a detail of some kind lost from the writing that is instead conveyed through the contents of the link. It is a wonderful practice if you take joy in using multiple artistic mediums to express your work, but I cannot help but wonder sometimes what the writing may be like without it.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 165
8/13/2013 15:47:26   
Razen
Member

Well, the links are used not only slightly for my convenience(That was what I was planning on rewriting with the first few chapters; I just now remembered thanks to you mentioning that), but they are also for the convenience of some that are unknown to the worlds of DF and AQ. Later on, I try to describe things somewhat...I just don't want to go overkill on it whenever it breaks the pacing of what is going on. Or maybe there is a large grouping of creatures that I simply couldn't describe them all, so the links become very useful there to still help the reader on the visuals. It is difficult to explain why I use them; I just plan to get around to describing most of them. They can even help in that regard if I don't want to go find their appearance again. Over all, I find them generally beneficial, especially if it doesn't make sense to describe something in the scene. Like it would be silly if I described Izotz's physical appearance in the Prologue, but the link allows for you to get the idea without breaking the flow of the story.

*cough* Not to mention that they are helping me on becoming the king of L&L formatting *cough* Wherever did that come from?

Aside from all of that, I am glad that you are enjoying the story. I'm actually curious to know who is everyone's favorite characters so far.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 166
8/15/2013 7:06:36   
Glais
Member

Alright read the new section, and well it kind of disappoints compared to the previous two.
Bazrir's and Szayan's, while shorter, were able to convey the overall impact and importance of those moments for them a lot better. Dyjhal's feels like it needs to be fleshed out a bit more to really let us get into his head, especially given his devotion to the Lord of Energy such resistance seems sudden. It felt too rushed, there was no time to get attached to the character or get into his head.
DF MQ  Post #: 167
8/15/2013 8:54:17   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

They always seem to be conniving or joking about something; it was anyone's guess as to their relations with one another in a town like Krovesport.

seemed

quote:

What went on in the hostels of Krovesport were always shady at best, but they were the most architecturally sound structures in the entirety of the town.

was

quote:

The others were all but guaranteed to lead you right into the paws of one of the many gangs that plagued the poor town, so you'd rarely, if ever, find a seasoned traveler on the sprawling side-streets unless they're willing to die to clean up the city.

This strikes me as odd looking back at what you mentioned earlier about not having earned its infamy yet.
quote:

The town hadn't yet earned its infamy as a town of cutthroats and highwaymen, but it was frequented by a number of crime syndicates for being a port town.


quote:

Szayan exited the salamander hide hut.

Was that a play on poetic justice?

But so the reason why the Well of the Water Lord is forbidden to the Yenghal in your story is that there is an Energy Dragon lurking about?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 168
8/15/2013 9:22:20   
Razen
Member

@Glai: Well, the dragon had caught him in a logical hoop. There was basically no way that Dyjhal could claim morality AND serve the Lord of Energy. I'll probably go into what he was doing prior to Xalvyk assigning him to Well of the Water Lord's Tears.

I fixed the grammatical errors. As for the seasoned traveler, I was thinking of more like they noticed the many people in the side streets that were eyeing them rather than actually knowing the town was infamous. If it was simply known, then it'd apply to everyone.

Play a poetic justice? Perhaps. I more so just imagined that a Salamander's hide would be pretty useful in general.

As for the Well of the Water Lord's Tears being forbidden by the Yenghal people in my story, I would say that is far more so that the Energy Dragon had killed nearly all of their people on its lonesome. I simply left the amount that escaped unknown, but you should know that there were few. They simply lost the knowledge of why over time due to it effectively being a really drawn out game of Telephone.

< Message edited by Razen -- 8/15/2013 9:38:03 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 169
8/15/2013 9:40:17   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Razen: I'd like to see more about the "defense of Thunder Mountain" as well.

A concern of mine is that you have established the war between the Elemental Lords going even as far as having their sublords mingle into mortal affairs, though AQ states that those wars were waged by their followers by the doing of Xilar so have you worked out a solution for that?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 170
8/15/2013 9:47:25   
Razen
Member

I always imagined that Xalvyk wasn't exactly the wisest of sub-lords. This is without mentioning that he would be a follower of the Lord of Energy regardless. I would see it as that Xilar had stirred anger in him as well. That's still without the fact that characters lie and will continue to do so, like Xalvyk had when he said that it was assigned by the Lord of Energy.

< Message edited by Razen -- 8/15/2013 9:50:02 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 171
8/16/2013 2:26:42   
Razen
Member

I updated the last segment of Chapter 9, and I would say that it is complete for now. I might do some slight revisions for noted errors or places of improvement.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 172
8/16/2013 8:55:15   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 I like the revisions. I'm interested as to why Xalvyk worked together with a water elemental.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 173
8/16/2013 13:05:28   
Razen
Member

Well, Dyjhal's memory was approximately 500 years prior to that(so ~1350 years prior to DF/AQ), so I would imagine that the Lord of Energy eventually noticed what Xalvyk was doing. Working with Hyzela and Kydoz(The Lectros would be to keep watch over Xalvyk) was likely his punishment for assisting in insinuating that false war that Xilar started. Maybe Xalvyk wanted to reclaim Dyjhal for his usefulness as a tool. It can go on, but the main thing is that it is for his self-interest.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 174
8/23/2013 2:10:05   
Razen
Member

I think that the first segment of Chapter 10 might be ready. We're back with the fan favorite Miar Galiv.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 175
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